YSaC, Vol. 1027: Carolayla was another good one.
“Hello…”
*pause, look at smudged writing on hand*
“…Cleebland!”
“Are you ready to Rock and or Roll?”
(one or two people give a halfhearted cheer)
“I can’t hear you!”
(the two from earlier are joined by a raucous “Hhorhay!” from a drunk at the bar)
“No, really, I can’t hear you.”
*turns on hearing aid*
“Now, we’re all set to start the show. There’s just one leetle problem. Is there a front man in the house?”
lead player/singer rock or country (musician)
looking for a musician that is versital likes playing travel some! We are old but young! we are based out of ####### but we can play anywhere so “see” we are versital!. anything from stepenwolf to merl haggart clapton. call ###-###-#### ###-###-#### air phone ###-###-#### We might wake up to answer phone or listening device!!!! got all good PA. ear plugs a plus! we dont have to worry ” our hearing is allready too old!!!!! call us if you dare!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Now, are you folks ready for some Merl Haggart Clapton?”
(shout from audience) “Play ‘Always Wanting You to Shoot The Sheriff!'”
(as band starts in, from the floor) “Hhoorhay!”
Thanks for the post, Jon!
It’s their new dentures. Hard to understand this ad with polygrip oozing around the edges.
I am confused yet puzzled.
Merl Haggart Clapton… Didn’t he sing “Cocaine from Muskogee”?
Wow, Smed, two earworms for the price of none! Good job. 8)
I met MHC, he lives one trailor[sic] down from “the sherriff of County Road 442.”
He was “Riders of the Storm” haggard from hard living; his blue-tick hounds were all red merle; he was less knopfler than having the clapton.
Made a person feel uncomfortable until they drove enough back towards civilization to hear banjo music and chainsaw-toting cereal killers.
Clapton lives in the same area as my parents but we have never seen him. He’s like a ninja.
I was thinking more “Alberta Gone Crazy”
Now I have earworm from Corb Lund and the Hurtin’ Albertans in my knoggin . . .
Merl Haggard Clapton is the name of my all-octogenerian Derek and the Dominoes cover band.
Derek and the Dominoes is the name of my Yardbirds cover band. Oh, wait…
Problems sleeping at night. Frequent joint pain. The inability to open bottles by yourself. Constantly uttering, “Eh?” and reaching for your ear trumpet whenever someone speaks. Wanderlust. The inability to wander without grunting. Insatiable desire to buy Hoverounds. Delusions of musical grandeur. If any of this sounds like you, you need Versital!
Versital is a patent-pending non-drowsy brain-enhancing analgesic aural amplifying anti-hallucinogenic strength suppository that can give you back your freedom, your sense of self, and a proper grounding in reality. Versital contains a unique formula of vitamins, minerals and substances, including vitamin C, vitamin B12, calcium, magnesium, cesium, oregano, St. John’s wort, Folger’s crystals, acetone, and more to help get you back on your feet, walking in the right direction, and remembering why you were going there in the first place. These fast-acting suppositories start taking effect in minutes, and when they do, you’ll be able to toss that cane or walker, get rid of that colostomy bag, and ambulate on your own. Taken eight times a day with water or distilled grain alcohol, you’ll never have to rely on your wife, nurse, or that nice kid next door ever again!
Ask your doctor, physician or paralegal if Versital is right for you.
Side effects may include dry mouth, elevated heart rate, trouble breathing, somnambulation, vomiting, diarrhea, menstrual cramps, enlarged prostate, hyperhidrosis, hair loss, hair growth in unusual places, swelling of the tongue, blurred vision, Freemanic paracusia, hypergraphia, the belief that you are Don King’s hair, and runny nose. If symptoms persist for more than 21 days, consult your doctor. Don’t take Versital if you are pregnant, nursing, or have recently seen a Lady Gaga music video or concert. Your results may vary.
Versital. Because seriously, you old.
You had me at suppository.
collides with unseen corner
Ear trumpet. Heh heh.
wonder what embrasure one uses with an ear trumpet?
(Where’d all this line come from?)
Embrasure? Never even saw ‘er
Aw geez, I messed up on the name of the drug on FB. Oh well, carry on.
Boys, it’s time to rock this joint like it’s 1935!
We’re gonna rock this town, rock it inside out
We’re gonna rock this down, make ’em scream and shout
Let’s rock, rock, rock man rock
We’re gonna rock till we pop, we’re gonna roll till we drop
We’re gonna rock this town, ’til our backs go out
We’re gonna rock down to Geriatric Avenue.
And then we’ll take some fiber!
I earwormed myself with that one. I’ve been humming it all morning.
If it makes you feel any better, I earwormed myself, too.
Friggin’ Stray Cats…
*struts around because she is young but old because she has an old soul. It is really time to replace that thing.*
I think I have a spare one in the fridge behind the toe jars. It’s only slightly used.
Will you take an OBO for it?
Yeah, Pa Monkey always said the true test is if you can put a penny between the grooves (if you know what I mean) and can see all of Honest Abe’s noggin, it’s time to replace it.
If you have old sole, I hope it is well pickled.
and no foundering the flounder
Only if it’s a firm OBO. They tend to sag with age. (What doesn’t?)
I was napping when I wrote this,
So maybe it should go unsung.
But when I woke up this morning,
Coulda sworn I was old but young.
The band was so versital;
There were singers travelin’ everywhere.
Trying to wake up for the phone call,
You know I didn’t even care.
Hi there, Merle Haggard Clapton, party over, oops, out of time.
So tonight I’m going to party like it’s 1969.
Help!
I need somebody
Help!
Not just anybody
Help, you know I need somebody please …
When I was younger, so much younger than today
I never needed anybody’s help in any way
But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured
Now I find I’ve lost my mind and can’t even open doors
Help me if you can, I’m falling down
And these days I just can’t hear a sound
Help me, I dropped my meds back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me?
And now my life has changed in oh so many ways
My clean Depends just seems to vanish in the haze
But every now and then I feel so insecure
I know that I need help just to find my own front door
Help me if you can, I’m falling down
I can’t get up from down here on the ground
Help me, get my teeth back in my mouth
Won’t you please, please help me?
Bravo!
: attempts to ignite lighter, drops cane, falls over:
Now there’s lighter fluid all over the place! Way to go ghostcat. At least PUDDING NOT ON FIRE! even if everything else may go up in flames any second now.
:shakes flaming cane at llama-derp:
Get off my combusting lawn!
*taking it personally* I did some stupid things over the weekend, and hurt my leg and back, not badly, but enough I want to have my cane with me today. Sheesh.
In other news, I seem to be hurting myself most on the weekends. I don’t know if I need longer weekends or to just stay at work.
Feel better, Windy!
You can borrow one of mine, I have several from when I hurt my knee.
I want to make it clear my life alert statement was made before Windy said she hurt herself and is in no way a response to that unfortunate fact. Feel better Windy and don’t blame weekends. I can’t blame weekends. I’m just clumsy. I slammed my finger in the car door over the weekend. No broken bones but man did it hurt!
Sounds like you need Life Alert!! They can help you and keep you in your own home so you can break a hip but at least be able to call someone to get you an ambulance.
We offered nan that at her last birthday (she’s 75, very sprightly and stubbornly independent, so we like to tease her) and she said “If you buy me one of those, God help me but I will summon an ambulance every five minutes and then hit them with my purse until they blacklist me”.
Nana is my role model.
She sounds pretty awesome! My grandma is 83 and has fallen multiple times. She has a button and a service but she never wears it so when she has fallen it has been sheer luck that we knew it. The lady is in Egypt sailing denial.
My grandmother had one of those and had some kind of “episode” but of course she wasn’t wearing the thing or had it otherwise handy at the time. That little detail helps.
Yeah, the other reason we only refer to such things as a joke for nan is that she’s chronic at losing things. She has two pairs of glasses – one pair is “her glasses”, the other is her “looking for her glasses glasses”. The latter are often misplaced and found a little while later, perched on her head.
Your Nana sounds awesome, Jen.
I agree, nan sounds like a blast. My grandma is…interesting. Don’t get me wrong, I love her to pieces, but she told me once that I was depressed because I had a demon in my head. I decided to name the demon Rex.
Ah, the Versitall Polka; c’mon boyos, less’ get these rockers to 3/8 time! whoohoo! [creak,creak]
OMG, the band plays air phone! I am so there!
I’m thinking this is Joe Walsh’s new band. I saw the Eagles in 2008, and they’re beginning to look like my parents.
*reads ad again*
Yep. This is Walsh or maybe Glenn Frey. Poor little old fellers.
Instead of “Smuggler’s Blues” Frey is probably singing “Snuggie Blues” these days.
Along with his other current hits, “Is the Heat On?” and “You Belong in a Rest Home.”
New Hotel California lyrics:
My mind is se-nil-ity twisted
Can’t remember my friends.
Got out of the bath too quick
Gave myself the bends.
Used to dance at the rec center
Slipped in my own sweat
Ended up in the rest home
Why? I tend to forget.
Last thing I remember,
I was hitting on the nurse.
Guess I fell down on my arse,
(When she) hit me with her purse.
Now security’s calling from faaar away.
They lock me up in the middle of the night,
Because I tend to straaay…
Welcome to the something something something… haha, Oh hello Timmy. Yes. What? What was I saying? Who are you? Get out of my spaceship!
Gives “Take It Easy” a whole new flava’.
Take it eeeeeasy, take it eeaaaasy, don’t let the sound of your own (mobility scooter/wheelchair/walker) wheels make you craaaazy (just turn down your hearing aids).
“Air phone” commonly known as talking to yourself…
I’ve long held the belief that the only difference between a crazy person talking to themselves and an asshat on a bluetooth is that little piece of plastic you shove in your auditory canal.
If we gave fake bluetooths (blueteeth?) to crazy people, they would be a lot less scary.
That is an awesome idea. Maybe I need to get one…
If it’s a choice between looking crazy or looking like an asshat, I think I’d rather look crazy.
Good point. I’ll just stay crazy looking. It’s pretty accurate anyway.
I’d love the convience of a bluetooth, but I don’t want to join the Ass Hat Brigade. Sigh.
What is it about bluetooth that makes it an ass hattery offense?
Keeping it in your ear all the time, even when you’re not on the phone, just
to look cool/importantin case you get that really important phone call.Bluetooth headset, I haz one, but when I’m not on a call, it’s in my pocket, not in my ear.
Yep, it’s only when you wear it constantly because it makes you look important that it becomes an asshat accessory.
Really, it should only be worn full-time if modified to look like a proper Borg implant.
And not a trademark infringement from the dollar store.
Why no one is developing blue-tooth enabled canes and walkers is beyond me.
Note to self: If you one day get bluetooth, DO NOT leave in ear. Check.
Seriously, I did not know this. Y’all are so smart!
Dang, I’d love to be their lead singer, but I think I’m too young for them. And I don’t do country. Except for Johnny Cash and Marty Robbins. And there’s nothing wrong with my hearing. Pay no attention to the husband lurking on Facebook.
When Capn Mac gets in, tell him he’s in the box today.
Someone should call him on his listening device.
Which is even funnier for having had an email from the FCC today.
Synchronicity, it is a thing.
Say.. my brother Yortuk and I, we really enjoy the American disco music! So, to show you how swinging we are, and how much we love it, we’re going to dance for you now! With you, by putting some music on the jukebox!
We are.. two wild and crazy guys!
I always thought of Yogi Bear when they said that. It was like any moment Steve Martin was going to suggest they go steal some pic-a-nick baskets Boo Boo.
Grampdaddy did you post that ad?
You know he did. His band mates are all a figment of his
senilityimagination.And the YoungSparkies of today become the OldSparkies of tomorrow…
Is anyone else thinking Steven Tyler when they read this?
Well, I am now.
I apologize to everyone, everywhere for the following:
Well, we took our Geritol
And we’re ready to rock the night away, now.
Seems like we’ve got enough bran to keep
The party rockin’ all night, now!
And with the walker’s a stompin’
we’ve got the place a ragin’ an’ hot now!
And we’ll have fun fun fun at the senior center all day!
(Fun fun fun at the senior center all day!)
Well we have to wear Depends
’cause we can’t seem to control our bowels now.
(Can’t hold the bowels now, can’t hold the bowels)
We eat lots of jello
’cause we’re missing our teeth now.
(Missing our teeth now, dentures not teeth)
All the ladies try to catch us
but our rascals scooters are fast now
(Scooters are fast now, so blazingly fast)
And we’ll gum gum gum our tuna sandwiches for lunch today!
(Gum gum gum our tuna sandwiches for lunch today!)
Yes! This is an earworm I want to have!
Rock on, TM!
I love my new job but it makes me sad that I get here too late to add anything snarktastic since I’m now asleep at 7am when I used to start posting. Oh well… *lurks lurks lurks*
We love you even when you lurk and stalk us and creep into our bedrooms at night to watch us sleep.
I’ve never even tried to play a “travel some”…
Maybe they meant “threesome.” There’s nothing like an orgy with musical accompaniment.
I’ll be over in the corner polishing my mirrored disco ball.
Octogenarian threesome??
Ew…
:goes to find brain bleach vat:
I was successfully suppressing that image until you went and made it explicit. Save lots of brain bleach for me, please.
LemonParty on Tour? *shudders*
Sparkly sparkly ball…what?
Oh, good, they’ve got an all good PA. I hate it when my Pennsylvania’s only mostly good.*
*Note: Yes, I do know they don’t mean Pennsylvania. I’m being willfully ignorant in the name of humor.
Perhaps it’s a music thing, the way it’s a sports thing that players all say “HI MA” when the camera pans over them (Massachusetts is hart to speel, tue)
In west Philadelphia, born and raised
In my backsplit is where I spend most of my days
Doin’ my taxes, relaxin’ or droolin’
Or makin’ Metamucil outside by the pool
When a couple of kids came around about dawn
Started tramping all around my nice green lawn
I fired one little shot and my kids got scared
And said, “You’re moving to a home with the other blue-hairs.”
They put me in a cab and paid him his fare
It smelled like old socks and there was a CD on the mirror
I thought about tying up the driver with twine
Then I thought, “Damn arthritis. Good sir, to Green Pines!”
I pulled up to the home about seven or eight
And I yelled to the cabbie, “You should have a translator!”
Looked at my kingdom, then I shouted “Beware!
I need to sit on the throne and stink up the air!”
BEL AIR!!! Well, kinda.
Ok, have to return to Ray Wylie Hubbard: “Muddy Waters is as deep as William Blake.”
And, he’s not talking about Hubberd Creek lake. Or Lake Ray Hubbard (ESE of Dallas).
Wow, RWH is 65, and still both Redneck and Rock-n-Roll (choocie-coo, shake that thing/do ya’ love me do?) [happily humming along to earworm]
” got all good PA. ”
I think they may be talking about one of the geriatric current members. And about how awesome he is.
As usual, I google to find out who “Merl Haggart Clapton” is and of course YSAC is the first result. Not the first time that’s ever happened.
Quite. Speeling iz ‘portant.
If keen, try “Merle Haggard” and/or “Eric Clapton”
[OT] I can’t read today’s title without my brain autocorrecting it to “Crayola”. Curse you, childhood conditioning! [/OT]
Admit it, you ate the paste didn’t you?
Just so you know, you’re over the hill
When your mind makes a promise that your body can’t fill.
Yeah, like singing in a band, waking to answer the phone, or sleeping through the night.
So, all babies are over the hill? They do say that you can see an old soul peeking out at you from their blurry little newborn squinty-faces.
Capn Mac, here’s you Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Oildale Ripley!
All these comments before mine and nobody’s mentioned Merl Haggart Clapton’s biggest hit, “Mama Tried Cocaine”? (And the next day, the house was really clean.)