YSaC, Vol. 1029: How Many People (Ready to Move the House?)

2011 July 7

***FREE HOUSE***WHOLE HOUSE****


YES I SAID IT, FREE HOUSE, THE WHOLE HOUSE!!!!!!

2 BEDROOMS ONE BATH

Wow, that sounds like a GREAT deal! What could possibly go wrong?

IF YOU MOVE IT, YOU CAN HAVE IT.

Um.

*bangs head on desk, wipes eyes*

Nope. It still says that.

CALL MRS. BRASWELL AT ###.###.####

That seems oddly formal. Dickensian, even.

HOUSE LOCATED IN #######

For now, anyway.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION: THE SMALL BEDROOM IN THE BACK HAS “ASBESTOS”

IT IS NOT AIRBORNE, SO THERE IS NO IMMEDIATE DANGER

At least, not as long as no one subjects it to any sudden violent motion. The mind boggles.

Thanks for the link, Megan!

168 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 July 7
    fpelayo permalink

    I get the eerie feeling that putting asbestos in quotes is her way of foreshadowing another catch/surprise…

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 July 7

      At least it’s not Ranger “asbestos”. You know how hard that is to clean up.

      Adores: 0
    • 2011 July 7

      The “free” house is also located in what could “technically” be considered a “swamp”. Just take the path through the “spooky” part of the forest, it’s the one on the left that looks like it’s made of “gingerbread”.

      Adores: 11
      • 2011 July 7
        Lara permalink

        I think that burned down, fell over, and sunk into the swamp. You could smell the burning sugar for miles.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 7

          I remember that! Kids came from miles around to get a contact sugar high from all the smoke.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 July 7
          Lola permalink

          And all of the melted burnt sugar was sold by dealers who called it “black chunk.” Kids who had been healthy before were eating themselves into diabetic comas. Sad.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          and to think it all started with an arson.

          Adores: 2
  2. 2011 July 7

    Dickensian no, Dickheadian yes.

    Adores: 6
  3. 2011 July 7

    I’m imagining her sitting in her parlor with a cup of tea and a dismissive hand wave saying something like “Pish posh, there’s just a little bit of that ‘asbestos’ people are always talking about, but you know, all the best families have it. Would you kindly pass me another cucumber sandwich?”

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 July 7

      “Besides, they wouldn’t have spelled it with BEST in the name if it wasn’t good.”

      Adores: 5
    • 2011 July 7

      It’s part of the house’s “retro” charm.

      Adores: 3
    • 2011 July 7

      You young whippersnappers have certainly gotten soft. In my day, we’d eat big bowls of asbestos for breakfast; it gave us energy for our hopscotch games on the Beltway. We turned out all right.

      Adores: 10
      • 2011 July 7

        Luxury! When we were young, we had to mine our own asbestos and eat it raw! That would give us just enough energy to work 18 hours in the mine, then play one game of Tic-Tac-Toe in the dirt with a stick before we had to go to bed.

        Adores: 8
        • 2011 July 7

          You young’ns is soft, that’s what you are. Back in my day, if we wanted to play with dirt we had to walk fifty miles, uphill both ways, and grind it up ourselves!

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 July 7

          18 hour days? Pshaw!

          When we were kids we’d work 27 hours a day! We’d have to leave the house 4 hours before we even got home from the previous night in order to get to work on time. And every day when we’d get home from work, our parents would cover us in malted brandy before sending us to the spanking machine for 2 hours!

          Adores: 12
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          Yea, but you could afford time turners so you could leave four hours before you even got home the night before.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 July 7
          Angel permalink

          Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o’clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah.

          Adores: 12
        • 2011 July 7

          Coincidentally, I just watched that skit last night, too.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 7

          I’m glad somebody knew where it was I stole that from.

          *Sniff* I truly am among my people here.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 7
          Oh Steve permalink

          Play with dirt?! Heck, I remember when I invented dirt. I never even got to play with it!

          Adores: 8
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          I think we all did, Taco. I hope.

          Adores: 1
    • 2011 July 7
      Lara permalink

      Well if it’s Dickensonian, she probably has really large fun bags miniature bouncy castles Ta Tas making her BraSwell

      Adores: 0
      • 2011 July 7
        Lara permalink

        From now on I will be referring to my breasts as miniature bouncy castles.

        Adores: 11
        • 2011 July 7
          Innana permalink

          Excellent idea! I shall also!

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 7
          funky monkey permalink

          Yes! I will call also Lara’s breasts minature bouncy castles! Even tho I don’t know her and this makes me highly uncomfortable!

          Adores: 8
        • 2011 July 7

          Maybe you could just text Lara’s breasts miniature bouncy castles instead of calling them.

          Adores: 10
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          They also take emails, Paypal, and American Express

          Adores: 4
      • 2011 July 8
        Sinvius The Pink! (I hope) permalink

        How about gift cards?

        Adores: 1
    • 2011 July 7
      Lara permalink

      (kind of OT) Some of the apartments in my complex have asbestos in them so no one can hang anything on the wall for fear of letting some loose. Thankfully my apartment is not one. (/kind of OT)

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 July 7
        funky monkey permalink

        Wow. I thought my old rental with termites and a leaky roof was roughing it.

        Adores: 1
  4. 2011 July 7

    I can move it! I saw it in a movie once. All I need are several hundred colourful balloons, a few tanks of helium, and several spools of string.

    Adores: 19
    • 2011 July 7

      And a log holder that is attached to the foundation with 20 foot long bolts spanning the entire base of the house.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 July 7

        Load-bearing firedogs are standard in these older models, right?

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 7

          Yes, I seem to recall something about every house coming with a stout dalmatian back in the day.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 7

          That’s firedog, not firefighter dog.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 7

          Hey! I learned something today. (Just the one thing. So far.) Andirons are also called firedogs. And, it seems, moon idols. I like moon idols better. I think I will start calling them that.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          Yea, I had no idea about the moon horn. Heh heh heh

          Adores: 0
      • 2011 July 7
        Lara permalink

        (tagless for your comfort) May I say I loved that movie? I particularly loved the talking dogs especially Ma-SQUIRREL- as I was saying especially -SQUIRREL-I mean Dug.(/tagless for your comfort)

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 7

          I thought the dog’s name was Doug?

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          Edited to protect the llamadurp.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 July 7
          mud "" slicker permalink

          I loved Kevin—the female bird with the babies. Talk about a gender bender.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          I looked it up and it appears to be spelled Dug. I totally knew that. I figured out where I got Max from, my brother’s dog is named Maximillian otherwise known as Max. He’s super hyperactive and totally does the SQUIRREL thing from the movie. I swear that dog is on speed. If you attached something to him that allowed him to speak he would talk so fast you wouldn’t be able to understand him. Sadly if he was human he would probably be a Sparky.

          Adores: 5
      • 2011 July 8
        Sinvius The Pink! (I hope) permalink

        I’d like to think my dog is much smarter than Doug, or at least has a much better atten.. Groundhog!… -tion span

        Adores: 0
    • 2011 July 7
      Windrose permalink

      You would certainly be up-wardly-mobile. 8)

      Adores: 4
    • 2011 July 7

      Ooh! Can I be the punk kid who tags along?

      Adores: 0
      • 2011 July 7
        Lara permalink

        Punk? You mean chubby boy scout don’t you? Or are you a new breed of Sex Pistols Boy Scout? Anarchy and being the AntiChrist are a lovely juxtaposition to the Christian nature of the Boy Scouts.

        Adores: 3
    • 2011 July 7
      Lara permalink

      *snerks at MF’s spelling of color*

      Edit: actually I spelled it that way until my teachers in elementary school told me it was wrong. I had been reading too much Agatha Christie. Damn high reading level was teaching me to write like a British woman in the 1930’s.

      Adores: 8
      • 2011 July 7
        Lola permalink

        I had that same problem. Colour, to-day, etc. It wasn’t incorrect so much as it was anachronistic.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          Yea, anachronistic is how they put it when I was an undergrad. They also said they were archaic. At the point I was so sick of people picking at me that I just said that the words should make a come back and I had no problem starting that come back.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 7

          We just spell things the correct way. We also put milk in bags. Bags! Which I think means we Canadians have a more Freudian obsession with breasts than Americans do.

          (I can’t stand bagged milk. I shouldn’t need extra accessories to get at my milk. Plus, the damn spout you have to cut tends to droop over the containers you put them in when they’re full, which spills it all over.)

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          That was so sexy MF

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 7
          funky monkey permalink

          I spell gray as “grey” and I’ve been told I’m wrong. But in college I was told either was acceptable. I’m sticking with “grey”. I think it looks classier. The way you can classy things up by putting an “e” on the end of it: Ye Olde Shoppe, shite, etc.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 7

          Which I think means we Canadians have a more Freudian obsession with breasts than Americans do.

          So Mr. Braswell must be the local milk man. It’s all making sense!

          I tend to interchange ‘grey’ and ‘gray’ as well as ‘blonde’ and ‘blond.’ The biggest thing my spellchecker hates me for seems to be my use of plough instead of plow. I like plough better… plow looks like it should be pronounced “p’low.” American English is silly.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 7

          I spell it “grey” too. Actually there are a few “Americanized” words I use, like theater (whereas Canadians and Brits spell it theatre). But we’re a bit odd in Canada. We’re supposed to be using metric but there are still some things we measure in imperial at least as often as metric. (Ask someone their height or to measure something with a ruler or tape measure and they’re more likely to give it to you in imperial, but volume, like filing up with gas, or distances from place to place, and you’ll probably get metric.)

          Also, “shite” is a fun expletive if you pronounce it as intended (like “kite”) as it doesn’t quite sound vulgar enough here to be offensive.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 7
          funky monkey permalink

          (redneck Corey) Down here in Tennessee we measure height by stones and weight by bushels and pecks. I myself am 18 stones high and I weigh 50 bushels and 3 pecks. Anything lighter than a peck is measured in turds.

          For example my cousin Eliza Jean’s baby boy was 6 pecks, 4 turds at birth. Why, just by emptying a baby’s diaper you can reduce their weight by 2 or sometimes 3 turds, easy. And then there’s the corn factor. But it’s lunchtime so I won’t take it any farther. *rustle rustle* Ah, Hubby Monkey packed vegetable beef soup for me for lunch.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 7
          CapnMac permalink

          Picked up a lot of unique usage in woodworking.

          Plough is the action, plow is the tool. A plow plane (which is really a plow iron, but, that’s [corey[corey]]) is how you plough out what wood bit one is working upon, whether rabbet or dado.

          To allow to be colonized by spore-propagating flora is to mold; a scribed profile is moulded. The scribe for that is a mould, whether drawn across wet plaster, or used to cut wood profiles. In either case, the resultant decoration is moulding.

          Now, if more people followed this rule, it would make buying second-hand machinery much simpler, I’m going to be inclined to pay less for a molding moulding machine than for one free of mildew or fungi.

          Now, I was also taught that “grey” was a name or a condition, and that “gray” was always a hue or color. Which allows a person to convey emotional color by using “grey” in the way “blue” is not always azure.

          And from growing up with a family in the film distribution business, the building is a theater, “theatre” is something a troupe executes upon a stage. Which has always given me a bit of pause when seeing the British usage of “Operating Theatre” (but, perhaps, that is also influenced by the late Graham Chapman having a medical degree [lettered in Medicine]).

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 7
          funky monkey permalink

          *mouth slightly open, drool dripping out of corner, eyes glazed*

          *shakes self back to consciousness*

          All righty then. Taking all of that into consideration, plus using cat math, what does “foulding” mean? In the western hemisphere and during daylight savings? Plus tax?

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 7

          Very interesting Cap’n! My spellchecker still doesn’t like the word plough, regardless in what context I try to use it.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 July 7

          Woodworking technical terms, subtle grammar shading, and what may be the first ever nested Corey. You’re in fine form today, Cap!

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 7
          funky monkey permalink

          I’ve heard of the Nested Corey but never actually seen one. I’m marking that one off my bucket list.

          Wow, I just noticed this plus: The Nested Corey is nested within a sentence which is nested within parentheses. Superb! I feel like putting on a Crocodile Hunter ensemble and whispering as I say this, hunkered down in the bushes in the everglades.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 July 7

          Don’t worry Funky, the Cap’n often has that effect on the unprepared. He talk purdy.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 7
          CapnMac permalink

          A “foulding”? Where was it spotted? Is it a nesting pair?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 7
          funky monkey permalink

          No no no. It wasn’t spotted, it was striped.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 7
          Addicted Reader permalink

          I use “shite” a lot. It amuses me. I think I picked it up from “Trainspotting,” where it was not a substitute swear word, but rather an unintelligible-accent swear word.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 7

          Shite is quite a pleasing word when used in the Japanese setting as well.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 7

          I decided that, in an attempt to help FM, I’d pump Capn’s post through the translator. It reduced like a fine stock to the following:

          We can not guarantee the wood will be used.

          Arusha and the society. Mobile iseland ([number] joke) and small tree or gifts, or nurse.

          The results may explain a good thing. Small trees or a combination of population.

          I have a car or sell shares in the form.

          The word or the color “gray” or “white” and “blue”. Depending on different sources of red, blue,.

          Forum sinema, Economic, sinemas, and “movie” a few “Britain first”(Chapman [health, education, health, geleyemu).

          There you go, clear as can be.

          I’m a helper.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 7

          I think I’ve been reading too much bad fanfiction … that kinda makes sense.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 7
          Ziaheart permalink

          I use blonde for a woman who has blond hair. Blond, as you’ve seen, is either the colour of the hair, or a man who has blond hair. I’m not sure where I picked it up from.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 July 7

          I use GREY with an E. I like the way it looks. I’m prone to both typos and verbal slip-ups, so it also keeps me from writing/saying things like “He wore a gay shirt” instead of “he wore a gray shirt”.

          I’ve also used blonde, theater for a movie theater and theatre for experiencing a play/musical.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 7

          @Ziaheart: I think that’s actually how the word works in French.
          @Silva: But what if the shirt is both gray and fabulous?

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 7
          Bridgete permalink

          Zia, I do it that way because blond(e) is a French word and, in French, you’re supposed to add an E for females. I suspect the word is borrowed from French since a lot of people seem to add the E for females.

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 July 8
        Sinvius The Pink! (I hope) permalink

        You do, in fact, spot camels then, AR?

        Adores: 0
    • 2011 July 7

      I’m trying to move it asbestos I can.

      (ducks and covers)

      Adores: 16
      • 2011 July 7

        (geese and blankets)

        Adores: 9
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          (swans and duvets)

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 7
          mud "" slicker permalink

          (herons and heroin)

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 7
          CapnMac permalink

          (Wriggles and Ritalin)

          [excellent Reckless Kelly earworm]

          Adores: 3
      • 2011 July 7
        LimeLolly permalink

        (beetles and bandaids)

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          (potatoes and Twisted Sister)

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 7

          (Tubers and Hair-rock)

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 7
          funky monkey permalink

          Twofers and Fraggle Rock.

          Adores: 4
      • 2011 July 7
        Innana permalink

        moon idols and boucle sweaters

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 7
          Addicted Reader permalink

          Gods and gloves.

          Adores: 3
      • 2011 July 7
        Space "YORP" Bug permalink

        (Dust Bunnies and Miniature bouncy castles)

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 July 7
          CapnMac permalink

          If one’s “castles” have dust bunnies, does that suggest one ought engage in a bit more social life?

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 July 7

          (Pickles and Icecream)

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 7
          Jen permalink

          Om and nom.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 7

          Herp and derp.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 7
          CapnMac permalink

          It’s my under standing that, if you try to nom while om-ing, the sifu whacks you with a stick. Really Hard!
          If you are om-ing while nom-ing, would you just leggo the eggo?

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 7
          Jen permalink

          Quit zenning my mastication!

          Woah, just dodged that corner.

          Also: “Muuuuum, tell the brother to leggo my eggo!!!”*

          *I don’t know what eggo is, though it sounds like some sort of revolting instant omelette thing, and I’m scared to google since finding the whole chicken inna can. Epic squick.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 8
          Windrose permalink

          Jen, Eggos are just toaster waffles:

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-Yq1I8gIA0

          They never stay hot enough long enough to melt butter. 8)

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 July 8
          Jen permalink

          A toaster waffle? Work won’t let me watch the youtubes, so I’m imagining some ingenious bag-and-mould* contraption which one inserts into / balances on the toaster? Or you have big toaster ovens in the States, don’t you? They look kind of like a microwave and a mini rotisserie thingie had a baby. It is for that?

          *mould as per Cap’n’s [corey] above, not as in fungal infestations.

          Adores: 0
      • 2011 July 8
        monkeypizzasonic permalink

        (penguins and polyester)

        Adores: 0
  5. 2011 July 7

    If you can bench press my house you can have it for free!

    Attempts to bench press my house are subject to a $200 deposit that is non-refundable in the event that you fail to bench the house.

    Interested lifters must supply their own bench for pressing.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 July 7
      Lara permalink

      and proof of medical insurance so when you call the ambulance they will be able to pay for it.

      Or is it like in the Wizard of Oz, they just get crushed and their legs roll up?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 July 7

        [OZ OT] And Dorothy has yet to pay for her crimes. Sure she says they were “accidents,” and she’s just a farm girl from Kansas, but it seems awfully convenient that she was able to profit from both incidents. [/OZ OT]

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 7
          funky monkey permalink

          You’ve read “Wicked”, haven’t you? It tells the Rest Of The Story.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 July 7
          Jen permalink

          I *always* thought it was creepy that you’d accidentally kill someone and then be all, oh well, apparently they were evil, I’d best steal their shoes. Srsly?!?

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 July 8
          monkeypizzasonic permalink

          Dorothy didn’t tell the house where to land, was told to take the shoes, and how would she have known what the water would do? She was just a pawn.

          Adores: 0
  6. 2011 July 7

    It occurs to me that this may be a dollhouse, and Ms. Braswell is giving it away because her dolls died of cancer.

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 July 7
      funky monkey permalink

      The image of dolls going bald with little IVs in their arms, dying of cancer, just depressed the britches off of me.

      On the lighter side…

      How many Sparkies does it take to move a house? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 July 7

        All of them.

        Adores: 2
      • 2011 July 7

        Depends on where ####### is.

        New York: 100 contractors.
        Chicago: 200 contractors.
        Washington, DC: 10 congressmen and 50 contractors written in as 200.
        Texas: Three guys, a pickup, sturdy chains, and a case of Bud.
        Arizona: None, it needs to get its own border-crossing ass back to Mexico.

        Adores: 10
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          Technically Arizona would just ride in on a jeep with bright lights mounted on the top of it (otherwise known as the deer death mobile) and throw stones through the windows. That’s how they roll. (Hopes no one here is from there because she will be going there this month and does not want to be hunted down by Billy Joe Bob and shot from the top of a jeep in an unfortunate hunting “accident”).

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          *sigh* Nobody likes my depiction of AZ. Yet it is accurate or at least was when I lived there.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 7

          That could also describe most of the southeastern US, give or take a few guns and sister-wives.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 7
          funky monkey permalink

          Ain’t nothing wrong down here in the south:

          1) You don’t have to wear shirts nor shoes in restaurants. You can bring your pet(s) in with you too.
          2) The “ladies” have confederate flag tramp stamp tattoos.
          3) Folks save a fortune on toothpaste ’cause they got no teeth.
          4) You don’t have to drive far to buy your meth/assorted drugs. If you see a trailer, just pull over. Avoid the ones already on fire.
          5) If your old lady leaves you, no problem, your other sister will be old enough to date very very soon.

          What’s not to love?

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          (coreylicious) True MF. We lived in a house that backed on to state owned forest which meant that a) it smelled wonderful when it rained because of all the pines and vegetation b) occasionally a voyeuristic cow or deer would show up at the dining room window and scare the shit out of us when we walked into the room and c) we didn’t go into that forest without very brightly colored outfits, pepper spray, and letting someone know where we were going. You could get shot by Billy Joe Bob in his jeep, you could run into a mountain lion or bear, or you could get lost and disappear. Each of these things happened to someone from the community while we lived there. It was an adventure. I miss it sometimes and I am really looking forward to going back for a weekend for my best friend’s wedding. (coreylicious)

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          Avoid the ones already on fire.

          Duly noted. You also have boiled peanuts which I have tried to recreate very unsuccessfully. It should be simple right? Nope. The ratio of salt is an issue.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 7

          Mmmmm… Boiled peanuts. I had some over the holiday weekend.

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 July 8
          Sinvius The Pink! (I hope) permalink

          Asheville: Just an inspirational song

          (Edit: I can’t believe the spell checker doesn’t recognize Asheville as a word. Then again, it is a noun…)

          Adores: 0
      • 2011 July 7
        Lara permalink

        Oh I don’t know, Barbie or Ken dying of cancer seems just fine to me. I have a friend who took the head off of one, put pins through it like the Hellraiser guy and hung it from the ceiling of her room.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          (thoughtful corey which is an oxymoron)I made myself a little sick there. I can’t even deal with the idea of Ken and Barbie dying of cancer even though I was fine with my friend making a disembodied Hellraiser head Barbie. I guess cancer effects our lives so much that it’s really difficult to joke about.(/thoughtful corey oxymoron)

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 7
          funky monkey permalink

          Lara: When I read your post re the pinhead Barbie, I did recoil a little. But don’t worry about wishing cancer on them. If the cancer doesn’t get Barbie and Ken the babies or the house dogs will eat them/flush them down the toilet/use them to hit eat other.

          Some random thoughts: A) What would a telethon/fundraiser for Dolls With Cancer be like? Would Woody from Toy Story be the host? To squeeze your heart and make you give, would they show pics of emaciated Cabbage Patch kids with sunken eyes, hooked up to IVs? Or Tickle Me Elmos missing a leg? Would the new Justin Beiber doll be the musical guest?

          B) With those pointy feet, I bet Barbie would fly a long way if you shot her into the air with a crossbow. While on fire.

          (thoughtful monkey corey) If you don’t joke, all you can do is cry.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 7

          Based on childhood experiences playing “Joan of Arc”, I can say with absolute authority that Barbies are incredibly flammable (the hair especially) and the feet don’t stay pointy for long, so you might have difficulties aiming the crossbow.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 7

          I don’t want to imagine a real doll fundraiser. I have enough problems being in the same room as a porcelain doll without imagining it’s going to come to life and eat me in the middle of the night.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 7
          mud "" slicker permalink

          I played “St. John the Baptist” with my brothers GI Joes.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 July 7

          I was about so say ‘religious much?’ when I realized this was a reference to beheading them. Man, Sis is slow on the uptake today.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 7

          I had plastic toy soldiers intended to represent the Battle of Yorktown, and I’d play “George Washington’s Horse is Also a Meteorgodzillabomb.” with them. Fun times.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          Agreed about the laughing rather than crying FM. I have lost several family members to cancer and I do as many cancer research fund raisers as I can. I think it is interesting that it was the beheaded Barbie that made you recoil. I have been friends with that girl for 13 years and I assure you she is simply weird, not psychotic. I love that girl to pieces and when we were in high school I figured if that was what she did to express herself, there were worse things she could be doing.I have done my own bizarre things. I currently have a sink in my passenger’s side seat because I want to make it into a birdbath. It’s a very old sink and will be beautiful. It was getting tossed out so I rescued it.

          Adores: 1
  7. 2011 July 7
    Windrose permalink

    Whole house. Any bits that fall off remain the property of Mrs. Braswell.

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 July 7
      Lola permalink

      Any bits that fall off of Mrs. Braswell remain the property of Mr. Braswell.

      … I can’t decide if it’s pronounced BrasWell (she has a curvy figure) or BraSwell (a very curvy figure).

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 July 7
        Lara permalink

        At least she’s not Mrs. Braless who recently married Mr. Topless making her Mrs. Braless-Topless.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 7
          CapnMac permalink

          Well, except in Iberian usage, where she’d be Sra Topless y Braless

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 July 7
        Lara permalink

        I think Mr. Braswell gave up any rights to bits that fall off of Mrs. Braswell when he started hanging out with Miss Thongless.

        Adores: 1
  8. 2011 July 7
    camille permalink

    With profuse apologies to the Talking Heads:

    Whole house, you might get some “asbestos”
    Free house – this ad could not be stranger
    I’m an ordinary guy
    Moving Sparky’s house

    Hold tight wait till the move is over
    Hold tight We’re in immediate danger
    There has got to be a way
    Moving Sparky’s house

    Here’s your ticket pack your house: time to put it on a truck
    The transportation is here
    Close enough but not in Ish, Maybe you know where you are
    Pudding not on fire

    All wet hey you might need an unblubler
    Asbestos houses relocating in broad daylight
    Three hun-dred six-ty five de-grees
    Moving Sparky’s house

    Adores: 15
  9. 2011 July 7
    Windrose permalink

    Today’s box is an unpaid commercial for a certain car insurance company, and a tropical reptile habitat. Not bad!

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 July 7
      LimeLolly permalink

      Cheeky….. I like it! ๐Ÿ˜‰

      OT: Just now listening to Toxic Audio “Put The Lime In The Coconut”…. it’s going to be a good day. Sure Happy It’s Thursday, folks.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 July 7
        Je "RB" n permalink

        [bragging/earworming] Here in Enzed…
        Yesterday was Thursday (Thursday).*
        To-day it is Friday, Friday.**
        We, we, we hate this earworm, we hate this earworm,***
        But we sing it almost every week… **** [/bragging/earworming]

        *This is true.
        **Also true.
        ***Well, duh.
        ****Also, also true. Even my co-worker who is delightfully clueless re: pop culture despite being the same age as me thought it was so hilariously bad, she learnt the words and now sings it to me every week. *twitch*

        Adores: 0
        • 2011 July 7

          Nobody would blame you if your co-worker unexpectedly met with an “accident.” Nobody.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 July 8
          monkeypizzasonic permalink

          I have found that the song becomes infinitly less annoying when the version you have in your head is sung by someone else. Try looking up some covers of it on YouTube, and the Stephen Colbert and Glee Cast versions. It almost sounds like a real song!

          Adores: 0
  10. 2011 July 7
    Lara permalink

    *dons her viking hat*

    Lemon Curry?

    Adores: 2
  11. 2011 July 7
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    Will I have to take the indian graveyard, too, Mrs. Braswell?

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 July 7
      mud "" slicker permalink

      I believe Mrs. Braswell hasn’t made any reservations for that. So, the cement-ary stays.

      ๐Ÿ˜‰

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 July 7
      Lara permalink

      Will I have to take the indian graveyard

      You should be bargaining to get that Indian graveyard!! Don’t you know how much money you could make bringing in different ghost hunting people from cable shows?

      Adores: 3
  12. 2011 July 7
    LimeLolly permalink

    This morning, I had a movement… oh, move it, nevermind.

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 July 7
      Lara permalink

      As Harry Shearer says on Le Show, “It’s a movement and we all need to have one…every day.”

      Adores: 0
  13. 2011 July 7
    Lara permalink

    YES I SAID IT, FREE HOUSE, THE WHOLE HOUSE!!!!!!

    2 BEDROOMS ONE BATH

    I would not move a house unless it had at least 4 bedrooms, a jacuzzi, a room full of plastic balls to play in (heh heh heh) 2 bathrooms, a room for my dead explorer collection, a direct path to Narnia through an Aunt Closet, and an indoor pool full nacho cheese.

    Otherwise, no dice.

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 July 7
      funky monkey permalink

      A room full of plastic balls:

      http://xkcd.com/150/

      PS: “Balls”. Heh heh.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 July 7
        Lara permalink

        I have always loved that cartoon. I want to both fill my apartment with those balls and find a man who loves me because I did. Still no Mr. Llamaderp. If you see him, tell him to get his ass in gear.

        Adores: 6
  14. 2011 July 7
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    I don’t see a problem with this, as long as it doesn’t end up in the middle of our street. That would be madness.

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 July 7
      Lola permalink

      *insta-earworm*

      [random pop culture corey]
      I recall that video being one of the first ones I ever saw on MTV (back when it actually played music). It took MTV a while to get out in the boonies where we were, so that was what was on when it did.
      [/aging Gen-X-er corey]

      Adores: 3
  15. 2011 July 7

    For your amusement, I present the following.

    Mrs. BraSwell!

    Adores: 2
  16. 2011 July 7

    YSaC hates me today… just about anything I’m trying to post is getting pinged as spam.

    Adores: 3
  17. 2011 July 7
    CapnMac permalink

    [architectural corey]

    As a person firmly versed in how the structures we build have lifespans far beyond mere human mayfly existence, and fully vexed by the vain insistence in treating all things as consumer-expendable, even things with persistent value, this tears at me.

    At one level, it is always good to take something like a house and move it entire, rather than covert it into less-good landfill rubble. At another level, some structures do not need saving–there is no reason to preserve bad design; or structures risking life, health, or safety of present or future occupants/users.

    Which brings us to the fleecing of the WR Grace companies by barratrers in legion. Yes, asbestos was used in a number of building products. Yes, mining asbestos has been hazardous to the miners since the time of Pliny. But, Chrysolite is one of the most benign minerals ever used in building construction. That is, until you start tearing it out and fracturing the long, long fibers into teeny-tiny bits, increasing the risk of pneumoconiosis to all users of that structure. Amphibole asbestos is a different issue, but, in life-cycle risk in construction, still low.

    Despite all that, by regulation we have to treat a naturally-occurring material as if it were a deadly-contact toxin. Much as we now have to treat infinitesimal trace amounts of lead.

    Which brings me to the primary problem Ms Braswell is likely to face. The new rules for “workplace” exposure to lead are far more strict than needing to cope with some few loose asbestos-impregnated ceiling tiles (or some chrysolite wall shingles). Given that the exposure levels have been reduced by regulatory fiat, we are getting to where lead remediation is required to be to amounts less than background. <le sigh>

    But, what I fear most is that Ms Braswell may have Sparkied on us, and this house to be moved is on a concrete slab, not one with a wooden floor. This makes the house mover’s job quite a lot different (Read, mostly impossible).

    There’s more than some small grumbling in “the biz” that the art and skill of house moving may be lost, as the number of houses able to be moved (let alone worthy of movement) in the last twenty five years is near nil.

    I’ll stop ranting now–if for needing to refill my glass if naught else.
    [/corey]

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 July 7

      Capn, as always, you have the most elegant way of phrasing things that I can’t understand.*

      *I actually understood most of this… in the third re-read.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 July 7

        I herein provide a translation of Capn’s corey for those of similar cerebral limitations as myself:

        Asbestos and lead not as bad as widely assumed.
        Throwing things away that are still good is bad.
        Capn sad that house moving doesn’t happen much anymore.

        There, I think I got it.

        Adores: 6
        • 2011 July 7

          Also;

          It’s harder to move a house with a concrete slab than one with wooden floors

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 7
          LimeLolly permalink

          And …

          Cap’n could use a nice cold beer.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 July 7
          Lara permalink

          Thank you guys for the summation!

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 July 7
          CapnMac permalink

          Beer good (bett’r’n donuts).
          Sacks of unused currency would be even betterer; if people are inclined to deliver lost items.

          (deleted 672 word diatribe on tract-building)

          A house should not be a bagette, a thin, brittle, pretty crust over nothing very much at all.
          Instead, a house ought to be like a cake–layer upon layer, with generous servings of tasty icing between. Something that can keep being discovered, time after time, again and again, by dozens of care-taking resident/owners.

          So much for that.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 July 8
          Jen permalink

          Mum: “Jen, why are you licking the walls? Again?”

          Jen: “Um, Cap’n said the house was like a cake? I think?”

          Mum is unimpressed.

          Jen: “But caaaaaaaaake!!!!

          Adores: 6
    • 2011 July 7
      funky monkey permalink

      *stares at Cap’n’s post*

      *blinks*

      *collapses in heap on floor and covers up with blankie, sobbing*

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 July 7
        Lara permalink

        *pats FM on the head soothingly*

        Adores: 1
    • 2011 July 7
      Addicted Reader permalink

      I actually found this to be one of the Cap’n’s more easy-to-read posts. But then again, I think I usually understand the Cap’n better than most. Not sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, and for whom.

      Adores: 3
  18. 2011 July 7

    As part of a previous discussion on the lucrative business of swear substitution I am unveiling a new product being provided by ScamCo Substitute Swearwords Inc.:

    Frunking

    Please provide 1.5 boxes of vintage cereal per use of our patent pending swear replacement technology.

    Thank You,
    Sir Asshat Sparklington IV Esq.
    Chairman of ScamCo’s Technological Swearing Obfuscation Division

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 July 7
      Asshat Sparklington IV permalink

      If you don’t cease and desist in stealing my name for your cheap thrills I will be forced to set the chihoohas on you!

      Adores: 4
  19. 2011 July 7

    [OT]

    So, I have a Scene credit card which gives me Scene points which are redeemable for movies at theaters and some other stuff. I also signed up for their survey service thingy which occasionally sends me surveys to fill out in exchange for Scene points. As I’m doing one this evening, this question comes up:

    Now, a few final questions about your Scotia No Fee Value VISA. Do you pay an annual fee for your Scotia No Fee Value VISA?

    *facepalm*

    [/OT]

    Adores: 6
  20. 2011 July 7
    Windrose permalink

    OT This sums up my rotten day pretty well. I just mistook my slinky for a flashlight.

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 July 7
      LimeLolly permalink

      Would it help if I punched you instead? You know… so you can get a good nights sleep. I’m willing to be that unselfish just for you. 8)

      And better a slinky than a creepy crawly creature.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 July 7
        Lara permalink

        I can’t believe I am saying this, but punch me. It may be a sleepless night otherwise.

        Adores: 0
      • 2011 July 8
        Windrose permalink

        No, no, LL. I really appreciate your heart-felt wish to be helpful, but it’s my only job. Here. 8)

        Punchity Punch Punch!

        G’Night, Raleigh, North Carolina!

        Adores: 4
  21. 2012 July 7

    *wavy lines wiggle across the monitor*

    *door to Way-Back Machine opens*

    Hmmm. We certainly got more posts on a daily basis back in 2011. Must have been more people out of work then. Witty, snarky people who were named neither Corey nor Matt. I may just hang out here today.

    Adores: 0
    • 2012 July 7

      We need to kidnap entice some more of the lurkers out of hiding.

      Adores: 0
  22. 2012 July 7
    One Moving Violation permalink

    Good for you Windy, if I let myself hang out, I’d get in trouble.

    Adores: 1
  23. 2012 July 8

    Taco, sorry I am late letting you out of the box. Hope you didn’t have any plans like eating breakfast or playing with the kid. 8) Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Day, House!

    Adores: 0

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