YSaC, Vol. 1059: Mission improbable.
2011 August 18
kids toys/books
I will be leaving a paper grocery bag at the end of my driveway on Aug 2nd at 2:15. There will be small McDonalds toys and lots of childrens books. There will also be a used dish rack. Please park on street to pick up items and do not ring doorbell. Thank you!
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to acquire these items and then proceed to the nearest Army/Navy store, where you will purchase a black balaclava, an 18″ field machete, and a camouflage infant onesie. I trust I don’t need to tell you the rest of the mission. This recording will self-destruct in five seconds.
Thanks, Mackenzie!
One of these things is not like the others
One of these things just doesn’t belong
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?
Too bad, you lose. It was the dish rack. You have to repeat kindergarten now.
Get out of my brain, Lara! Just because it doesn’t have any coffee slices working in it yet doesn’t mean you can just move in!
By contrast, the balaclava, machete, and camo onesie together make perfect sense to me. (Should I be worried?)
KindergartenKindergartenKindergartenKindergartenKindergarten
KindergartenKindergartenKindergartenKindergartenKindergarten
KindergartenKindergartenKindergartenKindergartenKindergarten
KindergartenKindergartenKindergartenKindergartenKindergarten
KindergartenKindergartenKindergartenKindergartenKindergarten
KindergartenKindergartenKindergartenKindergartenKindergarten
ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER ROOFER
I’m sorry, were you people saying something? I was listening to music …
*Looks around all shifty*
The unladen swallow fly south for the winter, carrying a 5 pound coconut.
*Picks up the bag and replaces it with a VCR filled with waffles*
I’d have fixed the mistakes in that post, but Ajax isn’t working for me today.
Maybe Ajax likes waffels.
EDIT: Ajax seems to be working here. Maybe it just doesn’t like you today.
Maybe it’s hiding behind the shelving unit with my cat.
I don’t see any errors, TM. What do you mean?
My GOD! Everyone is turning into me!
*looks around all shifty like her hero Taco*
(>_>) (<_<)
*steals VCR/waffle combo*
“unladen swallow”
Heh. Heh heh.
Is that waffel player MisJay compatible?
I’m sure it’s PB&J compatible.
My hovercraft is full of eels.
Maybe they used the dish rack as a tiny, inefficient bookcase.
Is that 2:15 am or 2:15 pm? I would hate to show up at 2 pm and find out I’ve missed the mission due to over-sleeping.
I will be posting a comment to this thread at exactly 9:24 a.m. It will contain a small amount of snark and lots of words. There will also be some used punctuation. Please park on the internet to read the comment and do not ring doorbell (it makes the tiny bear dog go all barky). Thank you!
It’s a cold day for pontooning.
*Tapes an origami penguin to Camille’s window*
“New England clam chowder”
“Red or white?”
“Damn..I can never remember that part.”
CJ, you quoting Ace Ventura is freaking me out.
Then my work here is complete.
contemplates British English usage of “barky” as a contraction of “barking mad” meaning being of questionable sanity and then considering experiences with diminutive canines and goes a bit ‘bogman’ . . .
9:24am in which time zone?
Metric.
I’m sorry to hear that. I think there’s a cream for that now.
That’s what he said.
Yes.
The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle; the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true! Right?
We’ve replaced the vessel w/the pestle with the flagon from the dragon.
We’ve secretly replaced the flagon from the dragon with Folgers Crystals. Let’s see if anyone can tell the difference!
The best part of waking up, is fighting a dragon to attain it’s flagon.
Doesn’t roll off the tongue very well.
Dragon flagon sounds like some sort of Chinese pharmaceutical that one does not want to ask too many questions about . . .
We here at Dragon Flagon Coffee are dedicated to serving you nothing less than the best cup of coffee enhanced with premium mythical beasts that you can find anywhere.
Our beans are picked from organic farms in Narnia by skilled Satyrs being paid fair trade wages. Our beans are then slow dragon-roasted to charred perfection before being pound-ground by giants originally trained in bone-bread and rehabilitated to work for our great company.
At your local Dragon Flagon Coffee Shop, the process continues as each cup of espresso is pressure brewed using only the purest artesian mythril-filtered troll saliva, collected fresh each morning. Your coffee delicacy is further enhanced with our mythical toppings and additives, such as whole, organic milk collected from free-range Minotaur or our veganic Tree-of-Life mint oil additive to give your java that lovely twist of life stream you crave.
But our services don’t stop there, our trained staff of Magi and Conjurers work around the clock to bring you new creations and bakery items, such as our new Harpy’s Nest Cookies, made with all-natural Harpy eggs! Or try our new a la cart menu options, like the delectable Gorgon Stone Soup: a real Gorgon head keeps the sediment level absolutely perfect for every bowl!
So stop in today, and have a legendary cup of coffee!
*Our coffee and food products do not conform with California statute 672 as some of our ingredients have been found to cause moderate Troll transformation in rats and mice.
**Dragon Flagon Coffee is a subsidiary of by Baba Yaga Brew Inc.
I was fine with the processing methods until I got to “troll saliva.”
*gets in Dunkin Donuts line*
Taco, may I recommend the following slogan.
Dragon Flagon Coffee. Think of us when kopi luwak just doesn’t do it for you any more.
I actually had a cup of that once. It was rather unimpressive. Tasted like normal coffee with a bland roast.
Nice if you’re a hipster or coffee snob, but not so great if you’re looking for a tasty cup of coffee.
Dragon Flagon Coffee sounds tasty! Make mine a triple shot with steamed centaur milk and unicorn sprinkles.
You want that with Gozer marshmallow topping?
Only if it’s been lightly toasted with an unlicensed nuclear device.
You’re in luck. We use only the most unlicensed nuclear devices you can find.
*Makes up drink*
That’ll be 4 inches of golden fleece please. We also accept charged magical stones or adamantium ingots. We don’t accept unobtainium, sorry.
Can I put it on my Aesop Card?
Wow, haven’t seen one of these before. I thought they were just a fable.
I’m pretty sure we’ll take it, but I’m going to need a picture ID and phone number of at least one talking fox or rabbit who can vouch for you.
I’ll gladly pay you tomorrow for an iced latte today.
*lobs many doors at Windy*
One of the funniest movies, ever.
kelli is in the box, let’s hope she knows the secret password to get out. It’s swordfish.
No fair. Mine was “The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.”
And after we squeegeed the saliva off the walls, we changed it. 8)
I will be leaving a small paper bag on your doorstep at midnight. It will be on fire. I will ring your doorbell, most likely 10-15 times. Please run out and stomp on the bag vigorously to put out the fire. Please wave at me as you do this. I will be the one doing a donut on your lawn. Thank you!
Bianchi, so that was you? Well, my grandma’s dead now, I guess it doesn’t matter any more who did it.
Still, it had to have been terrible for you…..finding her on the front doorstep and all.
😉
I hate it when those young whippersnappers throw flaming grandmothers at my house. They nearly set the azaleas on fire last time.
Flaming Grandmas is IF’s Smashing Pumpkins’ female equivalent.
Composed entirely of elderly drag queens.
“This Craigslist post will self-destruct in five seconds.”
Hey, why is my computer — AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNN!
FAAIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
It’s KHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!
Screamingly Yours,
Xenia Recordia, Keeper of Flagtail Feifings and Total TOS Geek/Snob
p.s. just fyi, his full name was Khan Noonien Singh
Doh!
My StarTrek geekery is rather limited it seems.
*compulsive edit* And yes, I do realize I’m talking to Taco here …
It’s Khan, not Kahn. I’m not even a trekkie but know this because one of my colleagues’ name is Khan, and I have to be careful not to spell it the other way.
/pedantry
ETA: I see CJ beat me to it! 8)
*Passes Lola a Dragon-Flagon-skim-half-calf-Minotaur-whip-Troll-drool-mocha… with a refreshing twist of Snozberry and lightly dusted with vampire*
Thanks, Taco. Much better than Stumptown and – best of all – no annoying hipsters cluttering up the place with their upcycled rainwear (read: garbage bag with holes torn for arms and head, just because it annoys people who know their trust funds can afford more) and their Pitchfork-only iPod selections.
… There’s a reason I haven’t been to Williamsburg in about four years …
Well… we do have the off-menu Tremors’ Special here. It’s pretty underground though; you’ve probably never heard ot it.
For me, he will always be the mysterious host Mr. Roarke……..
SSSSSCCCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!
I’ve been sitting here debating whether to mention the thing that nobody’s seemed to mention yet, but decided in the spirit of today’s post that I should just sit around looking mysterious and ignore it like it’s normal.
Woah! I’m on the edge of my seat! Which is silly because I’d be far more confortable if I sat back all the way.
Oh, I totally saw that, too! I just didn’t want to appear pretentious, so I’ll just sit here being ironically awesome and oh-so-cool.
And now… what the what?
And now, number 1: The Larch. The Larch.
Mysterious? Is that what that facial expression is? It looked like you were trying to remember something.
Really? I always thought he looked like he was just about to launch into an impression of Bacontini.
Nobody else mentioned it because nobody else could see it.
*is now immensely curious*
*checks fly, combs hair, puts shoes back on*
Can you still see it?
See what? Nothing happened. Pay no attention to the llama behind the admin curtain.
Is this reverse psychology?
It’s double reverse psychology. Which is kind of like double secret probation, but completely different.
[OT]
One would think that a sales representative in charge of demonstrating products valued at several thousand dollars to prospective clients looking to buy would be inclined to include his armpits in any daily cleaning routine he might have developed. One might further assume that such careful grooming would be a good idea when making a first impression when establishing an opening visit, and might even help further an air of confidence and professionalism that would extend back to the company he works for.
One would be wrong.
[/OT]
*sniff, sniff*
I’m pretty sure that’s not confidence you are smelling.
It’s victory! And, in this case, victory smells like the fourth day of a gaming and comic convention.
Aren’t you glad you use Dial? Don’t you wish everyone did?
Was it the Spanish Inquisition that used a dish rack to torture? See, this is why nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. They lure their victims with McDonald’s Happy Meal toys and children’s books. Then make them sit in the comfy chair until lunch time!
Not the COMFY CHAIR! Have you no humanity? Or a huge manatee, in a pinch.
kelli, please accept this Punchity Punch Punch with all the sincerity and honor contained herein.
G’Night, Stumptown Ladies!