YSaC, Vol. 1074: I gotta do what I dang-ol’ gotta do, man.

2011 September 8
by drmk

One of our stupid hobbies* is making up ridiculous stereotypes. You know, things like, “Everyone knows the Dutch are terrible at crossword puzzles.” Or, “Belgians can’t make fire.”

Some stereotypes just perpetuate themselves, though:

if any one got aweight binch


im in need of a weight binch i ant got mony to go buy one if u got one tht u want get out they way email me at redneck_fo_life1969@xxxxxxxxx.com

I hear this in Boomhauer’s voice from the King of the Hill. Ayup. Mmmm-hmmmm.

Thanks, kelli!

* We have many, many stupid hobbies.

128 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 September 8
    Windrose permalink

    Jeff? Is that you?

    Adores: 2
  2. 2011 September 8

    *gets out guitar and twangs it*

    I ain’t go no money
    Na-na na-na
    I ain’t go no binch
    Na-na na-na
    If you got one free
    Na-na na-na
    I’d be otta this pinch
    Na-na na-na

    I ain’t got the weight set
    na-na na-na
    I ain’t got no bread
    na-na na-na
    Alls I got is Craigslist
    na-na na-na
    An that’s when I said…

    I’ve got the “Aint-got-no-binch-or-no-money-but-I’s-gots-my-post-up” blues.

    Adores: 16
  3. 2011 September 8
    Lola permalink

    Binch, please.

    Adores: 21
    • 2011 September 8

      Binch?

      Please.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 September 8
        mud "" slicker permalink

        Please?

        Binch me.

        Adores: 1
      • 2011 September 8

        You’ll never please your Binch if you keep making remarks about the weight.

        Adores: 3
      • 2011 September 8
        funky monkey permalink

        Yes please.

        Adores: 1
    • 2011 September 8

      That binch be crazy.

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 September 8
        mud "" slicker permalink

        But she can get-r-dun*!

        *I truly want to vomit every time I see/hear this saying. Assume I just made myself sick.

        Adores: 1
    • 2011 September 8

      Give em’ a binch and they’ll take a counrty mile.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 September 8
        mud "" slicker permalink

        I thought it was “cuntry myull”

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 8

          Well, ain’t that a Binch!

          Adores: 2
  4. 2011 September 8

    Excuse me, stewardess?

    I speak redneck.

    Adores: 18
    • 2011 September 8

      Have a door, even though I hate that movie (#1 funniest comedy of all time? Really?).

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 September 8
        Bianchi Sound permalink

        Surely you jest.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 8
          Gary permalink

          I’m not jesting….and don’t call me Shirley!

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 8
          Spaceman.Spiff permalink

          Cool it, Francis <G>

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 September 8
          funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

          So, have you ever seen a grown man naked?

          Adores: 1
  5. 2011 September 8
    Windrose permalink

    So, like, where is everyone? Lola and Sis get extra points for showing up today.

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 September 8
      funky monkey permalink

      *huffin’ and puffin’*

      sorry im late i was gonging thru my grarage i ant got no wayt binch but i do got sum numbells sparki can email me at you_so_dum@MONKEYPLEASE!!!!!.com

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 September 8

        It would be so awesome if MONKEYPLEASE!!!!!.com was an actual email account provider. Just another way to make the family roll their eyes at the black sheep.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 8
          funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

          I know, right?

          Adores: 1
    • 2011 September 8

      I was here earlier but the post wasn’t.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 September 8
        Lola permalink

        Same here. Except it wasn’t.

        Adores: 1
      • 2011 September 8

        I wasn’t here earlier, and the post wasn’t.

        Then, I was here and the post wasn’t.

        Then, I was here and the post was.

        Weird.

        Adores: 8
        • 2011 September 8

          CJ, where were you when I took a WHOLE semester of Philosophy, when you have just summed it up in one short comment?

          P.S. Hope the fires are not anywhere near you.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 September 8
          Spaceman.Spiff permalink

          I hope that for CJ, and, more importantly, Penguin, who is down in the Austin area.

          I’ve fires to the south of me, only one and two counties away. Those have been under 100 acres, but there are nearly a dozen of them.

          I’ve also fires to my SW, two and three counties away (Bastrop & Williamson).
          They got a MD-11 fire tanker into Bergstrom (Austin’s airport) to work the fires, but they ran out of light hours for the pilot, so it’s sitting on the tarmac right now.

          Wind is out of the north today, so no smokey pall over things.

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 September 8
      Spaceman.Spiff permalink

      bin buzy pakin upt hous an all. dint kno no one wer talkin normalt ayar.
      makint me feel ahl warmt n fuzzi alt ower, it das.

      Adores: 0
    • 2011 September 8
      drmk permalink

      Yeah, um … I may have accidentally set the post to not go up until 9 pm at night. Oops. Dan fiximicated it for me.

      Adores: 5
    • 2011 September 8

      So here’s my story, I’m sure you guys can appreciate it:

      As I was checking email/FB/YSaC for the last time last night before bed, I noticed that I had left iPhoto open to the new facial recognition feature. So I started confirming/rejecting facial matches. There were a lot of them. I did this for 7 hours, until Mr. AR’s alarm went off.

      Name ALL the faces!!!

      Oops.

      So then I slept ’til noon and had to hurry to get to the lab. I was planning on coming in late anyway, since I’m on the ‘scope ’til 10, but wasn’t initially planning on coming in quite that late.

      Adores: 4
    • 2011 September 8

      I’ve been eaten by school and band.
      Oh, sorry, it’s a themed day, isn’t it?

      I dun bin et bah school and bay-und. Life shore is a binch, a-yup.

      Adores: 8
  6. 2011 September 8

    I got 99 prolbems, but a binch ain’t won.

    Adores: 13
  7. 2011 September 8

    Hey, it’s the Binch that stole Christmas English.

    Adores: 17
    • 2011 September 8
      funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

      How The Binch Stole Virginity

      Sparky was a loser
      Was sad, but was true
      He couldn’t find a girlfriend
      He’d tried the classifieds, even the zoo.

      He needed to improve himself
      But he had no cash.
      He went to the internets
      And it came to him, in a flash!

      “I’ll buy a weight binch!
      That’s what I’ll do!
      On Craigslist I’ll find one!
      Maybe I’ll find two!

      “The tables! The bee-trucks!
      The nacho cheese fountain!
      No, I don’t need this stuff
      But I’ll keep on scoutin’!”

      Not finding a weight binch
      (He needed it so bad!)
      Sparky worked up his courage
      And wrote a sweet ad.

      Sparky got his weight binch
      And then for it he paid
      His muscles grew three sizes
      And then Sparky, well, he got laid.

      Adores: 8
  8. 2011 September 8
    LimeLolly permalink

    I was a little offended until I realized Sparky wasn’t calling me names.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 September 8
      Windrose permalink

      Yeah, this wasn’t in the M4W section.

      Adores: 3
  9. 2011 September 8
    mud "" slicker permalink

    “You might be a redneck if your email username is redneck_fo_life1969”

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 September 8
      Lola permalink

      Might be? Primate, please! (Sorry, is that talk too fancy for this post?)

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 September 8
        funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

        El mono, por favor!

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 September 8
          camille permalink

          And if you should meet a Welsh monkey, it’s:

          Mwnci, os gwelwch yn dda

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 September 8
          Lola permalink

          I love that Welsh for monkey is mwnci. Just one vowel, and it’s at the end.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 September 8
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Doesn’t that make it Italian then?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 September 8
          Spaceman.Spiff permalink

          One vowel at the end scans as Czech for me.

          Now I’m checking to see if “mwnci” is pronounced “throat-warbler mangrove.”

          Dang it, it’s “maown Key”
          [wanders off grumbling, just not in Cymru]

          Adores: 2
    • 2011 September 8
      Spaceman.Spiff permalink

      It’s one of those all-time great email addresses, just the thing for applying for white-collar jobs.

      If not quite to the nadir of anarcky_rulz123@[provider redacted] who made repeated attempts to be hired in financial & hospital security. Over 700 at last count, enough to become the least bit famous/infamous in that trade. Said worthy apparently unaware that their social networking sites containing a number of things that would be a bar to employment (admission of theft and embezzlement and OTJ drug use) are as easily searchable as the public records arrest database.

      Swuft is as swuft does.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 September 8
        mud "" slicker permalink

        As if Sparky McDurDur will be applying for any white collar jobs anytime soon.

        *non-issue*

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 September 8
          Spaceman.Spiff permalink

          Well, the national chain places that hire brake, tire, such similar auto workers, all now need an email address on the applications (which, more and more, are only online).

          Adores: 0
      • 2011 September 8

        I think I mentioned awhile back that we had someone submit a job application via email and they used “pimpinhoz@[emailprovider]” or something like that as their email address.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 8
          Lola permalink

          Calassay!

          Adores: 5
    • 2011 September 8

      You might be a redneck if you own bench weights but no bench.

      Adores: 1
  10. 2011 September 8
    CoffDrop permalink

    With all these redneck jokes of urine, I node you benign and you varicose to pissn me off.

    Adores: 2
  11. 2011 September 8

    Ain’t got no binch, So
    Ain’t got no spell-check, Poor
    Ain’t got no money, Honey
    Ain’t got no class, Common

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 September 8
      mud "" slicker permalink

      James Rado on line #1 for Dave and/or any available Ferret.

      8)

      Adores: 2
  12. 2011 September 8
    MandaB permalink

    With no apologies to Billy Idol…

    “Sparky made a post but he got no mony
    Wants aweight binch not a bedazzled pony
    Hey if you got one you want out of they way now
    He can pick it up but he can’t pay now
    he can’t pay now he can’t pay
    I said yeah…yeah…yeah…yeah…YEAH!!!

    ’cause he’s a redneck
    fo life
    fo life
    yeah a redneck fo life
    He can’t pay, there’s no way,
    but he’ll take your weight binch away…”

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 September 8
      Lola permalink

      Billy Idol, Tommy James and at least one of the Shondells, whatever they are, exactly …

      Adores: 2
  13. 2011 September 8
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    I had a binch to sell you, but it got aweigh.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 September 8

      You needed an anchor.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 September 8
        Bianchi Sound permalink

        Sadly, the anchor’s aweigh, my friend.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 8
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Just weight till it gets back. It can’t be aweigh forever.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 September 8

          Then you can binch in on bored.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 September 8
          Spaceman.Spiff permalink

          [several germane coreys]
          An anchor is aweigh when it is free of the bottom and “hanging” from the ship–the anchor rode tackle bearing all the weight.
          Once loose of terrestrial hold, the ship then gets underway. The ship then begins to gather “way” from influence of wind, current, or propulsion. When sufficient velocity in the water has been achieved to have a response to controls, the vessel is said to have “steerage way.”

          The tune “Anchors Aweigh” used as the Service Anthem for the US Navy is actually the “fight song” from the Canoe Club (aka “trade school”) there in Annapolis, MD.

          Which probably is as sensible as how the US Army’s Anthem is derived from a marching song used by the Field Artillery Corps.

          Probably only the Coasties have a purpose-built Anthem. The Marines do have one, but they insist it is a Hymn.
          [/corey]

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 September 8
          Windrose permalink

          Germane Coreys is IF’s Okay Go cover band.

          Adores: 4
  14. 2011 September 8

    Piddler on the hoof


    If I were a binch man,
    Ye ha yippee ki yay, bubba Gump is deedle deedle dum.
    All day long I’d sitty on my biddy bum.
    If I were a weighty binch man.
    I would have two cars in my yard.
    Ye ha yippee ki yay, bubba Gump is deedle deedle dum.
    If I had an itty biddy binch,
    Ye ha-yippee-dippy-binchy man.

    Adores: 10
    • 2011 September 8
      mud "" slicker permalink

      *just piddled my pants*

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 September 8

        *Hands Mudsy a dry pair of binches*

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 8
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Thanks Hammy. I borrowed a pair of lederhosen from IF. But I’ll keep this pair in the car.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 September 8

          A Dry pair of Binches, is IF’s B-52’s cover band.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 September 8

          I’ve been wondering where the rest of IF’s lederhosen went. The pair I found draped over the ceiling fan in the box were marked “Tuesday” across the back. What pair do you have, mudsy?

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 8
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Funny. Mine says, “Week 3”

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 September 8

          I found a pair of pink flannel ones with kittens on them under the red table. Must be IF’s jammies.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 September 8
          funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

          I found a pair of surgical stockings in the corner marked “Biohazard”. Who do they belong to?

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 8
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Mr. Winky

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 September 8
          Lola permalink

          Just to clarify, MF: are the hose or the corner marked “Biohazard”? It matters.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 September 8
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Lola: Yes.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 September 8
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          Dammit, ghostie, I told you those were my formal pair.

          And remember, dry clean ONLY ladies.

          Adores: 5
  15. 2011 September 8
    mud "" slicker permalink

    Polynesians are kick-ass at crocheting. However, Mongolians can’t knit worth a darn.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 September 8
      Lola permalink

      Belgians: inexplicably terrible at backgammon.

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 September 8
        mud "" slicker permalink

        But their waffles are deeeee-licious!!!!

        Adores: 1
      • 2011 September 8

        Swedes are allergic to rubber.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 8
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Little known fact: Australians are terrible at grilling.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 September 8
          Lola permalink

          Except barbies. Though why they want to melt those plastic dolls all over open flames is beyond me.

          Luxembourgeois: can’t ice skate.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 September 8
          funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

          Nazis all pee sitting down. And they cry when watching Toy Story 3.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 8

          Russians are terrible lovers.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 8

          The Dutch worship Elmo.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 8

          Canadians are filled with candy. And bacon.

          The Portuguese can’t whistle.

          Armenians like to juggle live porcupines.

          Adores: 10
        • 2011 September 8
          Lola permalink

          Hungarians: secretly allergic to paprika.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 September 8
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Not much of a secret when they whip out their epi-pens and try to get the swelling down.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 September 8
          Spaceman.Spiff permalink

          Now, that’s not fair. The poor Russians are probably no worse at love than the average redneck (“this wont ‘urt, did et?”).

          Their problem is the Russian language. The deepest and most profound of love-struck verse still sounds like tank maintenance instructions. Which is probably why Russians are far better known for ballet than opera.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 8

          Well…the Russians are better lovers than the Finnish.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 8
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Why? Cuz all they wanna do is finish?

          BWAHAHAHA!

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 September 8

          And the Emmy for best statement or the obvious goes too…Mudsy

          *and there was much rejoicing*

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 September 8
          mud "" slicker permalink

          I read like a book…a Dr. Seuss book…

          I need to save my brain synapses for bigger things like Schrödinger’s cat ruminations.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 September 8
          Lola permalink

          Mongolians are all hoarders.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 8
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Really? I thought that the Barbarians were the hoarders…you know…the Barbarian horde….or was that the Huns?….*sigh*

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 8
          Windrose permalink

          French Canadians are addicted to Dr. Pepper. 8)

          Peruvians hate llamas.

          Greeks become depressed when denied olive oil for too long.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 8
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          Crap, FM. I think my mom may be a Nazi now. But at least I know my Dr Pepper habit is genetic.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 8

          All Spainards secretly know French but will deny it to the death. Germans are part hummingbird. Irish men all want to be accountants, but only a few are selected through a lottery system.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 8
          Spaceman.Spiff permalink

          Hmmm, Irish CPA a concept right up there with Welsh.

          Lloyd Llewellyn ap Llwcid, CPA as eerie a thought as Padric Aeon Xavier O’Toole, CPA.

          Adores: 0
    • 2011 September 8

      Everyone knows that Colombians can cancan from birth.

      Adores: 2
  16. 2011 September 8

    Also, you shouldn’t give your ant money. They just spend it all on sugar.

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 September 8
      Windrose permalink

      Oh, trying for a two-fer in the box, Missy?

      Adores: 2
  17. 2011 September 8

    Give that binch aweight.

    Binches love aweight.

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 September 8

      Wabbit Season!

      Dewe she stood in the stweet
      Smiwing fwom hew head to hew feet
      I said “Hey, what is this”
      Now baby, maybe she’s in need of a kiss
      I said ” Hey, what’s youw name baby”
      maybe we can see things the same
      Now don’t you wait ow hesitate
      Wet’s move befowe they waise the pawking went

      Aweight now baby, it’s aweight now
      Aweight now baby, it’s aweight now

      I took hew home to my pwace
      Watching ev’wy move on hew face
      She said ” Wook, what’s youw game baby
      awe you twyin’ to put me in shame?”
      I said ” swow don’t go so fast,
      don’t you think that wove can wast?”
      She said ” Wove, Wowd above,
      now you’we twyin’ to twick me in wove”

      Aweight now baby, it’s aweight now
      aweight now baby, it’s aweight now

      Dat’s aww fow now, take cawe and I’ww
      be back wif mowe in a few days

      Adores: 8
      • 2011 September 8

        Earworm aquired.

        Adores: 2
      • 2011 September 8
        mud "" slicker permalink

        Elmer Fudd sings Bad Company…..

        “kill daaaah waaaaabbittttt!…”

        Adores: 3
      • 2011 September 8
        drmk permalink

        “All Right Now” is my alma mater’s unofficial fight song. No, really. I don’t understand it either.

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 September 8
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          Dangol hippies can’t even getta fightsong rightImean it’s spposta goall like din ditta DIN ditta DIN dubba dubba dubba notsome dadgum funky stonerrock nall.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 September 8
          mud "" slicker permalink

          *raising my lighter*

          Play Freebird!!!!

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 8

          It is apparently inappropriate to use your zippo app to simulate holding a lighter and yell, “Freebird! Freebird!” during a performance of “Sweeney Todd” and even though the security guard that escorts you and your friend out of the hall is adorable and will ask said friend out for coffee, your friend will never forgive you and will completely deny that it was his idea in the first place which will lead to you not talking to the friend for years and finding out that Jenny (that skinny binch) got to be godmother to the daughter they adopted even though you had been promised that honor.

          Adores: 9
        • 2011 September 8
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          If that’s wrong, kelli, I don’t wanna be right.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 September 8

          :holds up marshmallow on stick:

          Bring graham crackers!

          kelli – But there’s an app for that! Why have it if you can’t use it?

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 September 8

          Nope, no buried resentment there, kelli, not at all.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 8

          I am not saying that you should not do such a thing, just that there may be consequences.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 8

          AR, I never said any of that happened to me or at all. It could be completely hypothetical.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 September 8
          funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

          Wow, Kelli, that was one long sentence. Impressive.

          EDIT: I mean the one that was a paragraph. That sentence. The long one. Up above. You know. Ninjas.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 8

          FM- I am extremely good at run-on sentences and I enjoy them despite the fact that they are heavily discouraged by grammarians and most of the sentences could easily be broken into smaller sentences and I was often reminded in third grade not to use them in my homework and consequently, I avoid them in all my academic endeavors now, but I still use them recreationally on things such as this blog, Facebook, or my leisure writing.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 8

          That first one was not really a run-on sentence. It was a well-constructed complex sentence.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 September 8

          @gc: Graham is on a cracker now?

          Adores: 3
  18. 2011 September 8

    HAY BRANDINE!!! I GOTS TO GO BUY A WEIGHT BINCH FOR’N TA GET MA MUSCLES ALL BIG ‘N RIPPLY!!

    Adores: 3
  19. 2011 September 9
    CoffDrop permalink

    Yikes!!! Massive Power Outage Hits So. Calif.

    San Diego bore the brunt of the blackout that started shortly before 4 p.m. PDT (7 p.m. EDT, 2300 GMT); most of the eighth-largest U.S. city was darkened. All outgoing flights from San Diego’s Lindbergh Field were grounded and police stations were using generators to accept emergency calls across the area.

    Windy – Hope you are OK…….

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 September 9
      Lola permalink

      She checked in on FB. Power back on 2:30-ish or so, and yes! She is expected to go to work tomorrow. 8)

      Someone help me push this pallet of coffee slices over to her corner, please.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 September 9
        Windrose permalink

        *looks up from half-consumed pallet of coffee slices* I’m fine. Just wonderful. Sleep is highly overrated. zzzzzzzzzzzzz

        Oh, kelli, punchity punch punch! G’Morning, Thomas Edison!

        Adores: 1

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