YSaC, Vol. 1110: … but he won’t do that.

2011 October 28

I will do anything for cash!!!


I will do any crazy idea you come up with for cash. Similar to the guy who got 50,000 bucks for having breasts surgically added onto his chest and 10,000 every year he keeps them. Ill get like two asses or a dick installed to the back of my neck or some crazy shit like that for cash. It dosent have to be surgical, it can be anything at all that you come up with. I wont do anything that will permanently injure me like amputation or anything that will throw me in jail for the rest of my life, but I will do just about anything if you have the cash to give me. But it has to be real and official. Im not getting a three balls surgically installed under my chin only to have you run off with my cash. I have a car and will drive where you are if I need to. Email me with your ideas and sums of cash and we will talk. I will respond immediately.

Group participation day! Let’s come up with some ideas for our entrepreneurial fellow. Provide your suggestions in the comments below!

106 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 October 28
    Lola permalink

    Dear Sparky,
    I have no money to give you but want to remind you that correct spelling, punctuation, and grammar cost nothing. Think about it … if you can.

    Adores: 9
  2. 2011 October 28
    D [DM] permalink

    How much would I have to pay you to post a Craigslist ad asking for money for something ridiculous that no one wants?

    What’s that? You’d do that for free? Well, Mister, I think we have ourselves a deal.

    Adores: 13
  3. 2011 October 28

    Vasectomy.

    Adores: 35
    • 2011 October 28

      I’d like to donate five dollars and a pair of tin snips for the operation.

      Adores: 11
      • 2011 October 28
        mud "" slicker permalink

        Pecilectomie’s are a lot cheaper. Just stick it in a Bostitch and grind away.

        Adores: 1
    • 2011 October 28
      D [DM] permalink

      Hammy, that doesn’t count. He asked for “crazy” ideas, not ideas that will improve all of mankind.

      Adores: 15
      • 2011 October 28

        Every sperm is sacred…

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 October 28

          Taco, I think you misspelled “scared” here.

          Adores: 24
    • 2011 October 28
      kelli permalink

      [minirant] Not every idiot spawns idiot children. Some very nice, intelligent people have sprung from the loins of Sparkys. And to be fair, some Sparkys have sprung from the loins of perfectly nice and intelligent people. The sister that I don’t like could easily qualify as a Sparky, as could her daughter. Her sons, with the exception of her son with ADHD and FAS, are wonderful, intelligent, and productive members of society. I know it was a joke and maybe I am being overly sensitive today, but I don’t think believe in forced or coerced sterilization. [/minirant]

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 October 28
        kelli permalink

        Ignore the word think before the word believe.

        Adores: 2
      • 2011 October 28

        Forced? This Sparky asked for ideas…:-)

        Adores: 8
      • 2011 October 28
        D2M permalink

        Kelli, you’re right. Not all Sparkies breed Sparklings. But the converse is not true. Sparklings typically are not the offspring of normal folk with adequate saliva control.

        This is where we get the saying, “The idiot doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 October 28
          D2M permalink

          (I don’t mean to offend you or insult anyone in your family. Maybe we’re all snarking a little too hard today. I blame Hammy.)

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 October 28

          I blame Hammy

          I am sorry to inform you that Hammy has reached his quota of blame for the month, if you would like to be placed on the blame waiting list for next month please leave a message after the next ice age…

          Adores: 13
        • 2011 October 28
          D = DM permalink

          Blame waiting list?

          No, thank you. I’ll take my accusation business somewhere where they know how to treat customers like human beings. Perfectly blameless human beings who didn’t ask for this and have better things to do today.

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 October 28
          kelli permalink

          D, no offense taken. I have seen idiots produce idiots and I have seen idiots produce remarkable human beings. I have also seen remarkable human beings produce idiots. I think it is a recessive trait like red hair.

          Adores: 11
      • 2011 October 31
        Elliot the III permalink

        I would like to force sterilization on you so that you don’t spread your overly sensitive crap to your children through your behaviour. kthanxbai.

        Adores: 4
    • 2011 October 29

      Eunuch-ectomy.

      Adores: 2
  4. 2011 October 28

    I’ll give you $5 if you never, ever post anything on craigslist ever again.

    Adores: 13
    • 2011 October 28
      Lola permalink

      That’s related to my thought – I wonder how many people he knows (somehow, I am guessing this person is male) who would pay him money just to go away. As long as possible if not forever.

      Adores: 8
  5. 2011 October 28
    Cindy B. permalink

    Here’s a crazy idea: If Sparky can graduate high school (or get his GED), get a job, and show up for work on time every day, I’ll bet an employer will give him money every single week!

    Wow, my head is spinning from such a crazy, nutty idea.

    Adores: 31
  6. 2011 October 28

    I’ll give Sparky twenty dollars and all the beer he can drink if he’ll come to my family reunion and let everyone throw live ‘possums at him. I’m sure the thing about rabies is just an urban legend.

    Adores: 15
    • 2011 October 28
      D [DM] permalink

      Man, my family never has a possum toss…

      Adores: 9
      • 2011 October 28

        I know, right? Damn, girl you have the best times.

        Adores: 7
        • 2011 October 28

          It’s even more fun if you give the ‘possums a bit of corn squeezings first. They are mean drunks.

          Adores: 10
  7. 2011 October 28

    Oh yeah, Mr. Sparky? Well, here’s something I’ll bet you won’t do for any amount of money.

    Go to the store, pick up a box of tampons and then when you get to the checkout line ask the clerk to do a price check for you over the loudspeaker.

    *puts checkbook away…with confidence*

    Adores: 17
    • 2011 October 28

      Or have him find the prettiest cashier and ask her if she can help him find an incontinence product that will fit better than his current brand.

      Adores: 12
      • 2011 October 28

        Ma’am, would you recommend the Summer’s Eve scented douche, or the strawberries and cream one? Hm? Oh no, it’s not for anyone in particular. I just like to keep some on hand.

        Adores: 4
      • 2011 October 28
        kelli permalink

        Ghostie, we have a frequent customer who is a lovely older gentleman who has some trouble remembering which brand of adult diaper his housebound wife prefers. He will find the nearest clerk, male or female, and ask for help picking out the right ones with no trace of shame and embarrassment.

        Adores: 15
        • 2011 October 28

          That’s actually kinda sweet ♥

          Adores: 12
        • 2011 October 28

          Now that is a good husband!

          Adores: 6
    • 2011 October 29
      manz permalink

      If he’s willing to have breasts and/or three testicles under his chin surgically implanted, I’m not sure you want to gamble with your checkbook on this one.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 October 29
        TinyBallOfLight permalink

        “Three Testicles Under his Chin” is IF’s cover band for “3 Doors Down.”

        Adores: 1
  8. 2011 October 28

    *waves out across stage at the lurkers*

    “Group” participation means all of YOU!

    Now, come on up here and do your part! We don’t bite…..well, Hammy might, but he’s had his shots so there’s that.

    I’m sensing some brilliance out there, so prove me right.

    Adores: 12
    • 2011 October 28
      D = DM permalink

      Hey, I’m half-lurker (my mom’s avatar’s family came from Nocommentistan) and I’m participating.

      Adores: 8
    • 2012 July 29

      You may be getting a false positive from my plastic skull novelty lamp.

      Adores: 0
  9. 2011 October 28

    Dear Sparky,

    I am in possession of a single, rabid honey badger. For $10 could you please spend the day with it upside down in your pants. I’ll trust you not to get hurt by it at your discretion.

    Adores: 10
  10. 2011 October 28
    Windrose permalink

    Dear Sparky, I need someone to haul away guano on a regular basis. In fact, you would have to gather it up first, and then find somewhere to dump it, and put it in your car and drive away. If When you return, I’ll pay your gas, any dumping fees, and help you get the smell out of your car. Deal?

    Adores: 6
  11. 2011 October 28
    Windrose permalink

    Hammy and Taco in the box today because, you know, typewriters. Somebody remember to throw food in for them.

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 October 28

      I’ve got a couple of extra ‘possums …

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 October 28
        Irregular Fractal permalink

        We were watching an episode of Penn and Teller Tell a Lie (new series on Discovery, highly recommended) last night in which they featured a story on a guy who cooks gourmet roadkill. I think having Sparky tag along for a few meals with this guy would be good.

        I’ve never learned so much about botulism in 5 minutes before.

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 October 28

          I LOVE that show.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 October 28
          Moira permalink

          I know about botulism!
          I wonder if he’d consume some for money…

          [corey]
          I recently worked in a pharma lab that manufactured it. I still get the giggles that the safety documentation specifies “no mouth pipetting”

          It is the most potent neurotoxin known to man.
          The first symptoms are droopy eyes, blurred vision and lax facial expression followed by a descending symmetrical paralysis. You really want to catch it before it descends to the heart and lungs because then you can usually avoid a protracted stay on life support.

          There was a cosmetic surgeon who was trying to do his botox procedures on the cheap and purchased his toxin directly from a lab rather than a pharma. He managed to get a hold of lab-strength toxin, not cosmetic-strength and didn’t adjust the dosage properly. He then had a botox party where he injected 6 people, including his girlfriend and himself, with enough of the botulism toxin to kill about 1500 people.

          They managed to call 911 and get treatment in time and all survived.

          I don’t know if his girlfriend broke up with him or not.

          I’m going to shut up now.
          [/corey]

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 October 28

          People who inject deadly toxins into their faces in an attempt to stop aging deserve what they get.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 October 29

          I do believe that would have stopped them from aging.

          Adores: 10
  12. 2011 October 28
    funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

    I wonder how much money Sparky wants for the three-balls-under-the-chin surgery. I’ve had a nice Friday morning chuckle picturing that.

    *rummages thru wallet and purse*

    I have a coupon for Logan’s Roadhouse and some AA batteries and chewing gum and bandaids and a pre-licked lollipop. With hair stuck to it. Maybe that would be enough for one testicle under the chin.

    Still chuckling.

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 October 28
      D [DM] permalink

      I’m wondering whether he knows that breast implants aren’t real breasts, and where he expects to gets the genitals to attach to his head.

      Adores: 8
      • 2011 October 28

        Just because it says “balls” doesn’t mean that they have to be testicles. I’ve got a whole bag of Atomic Fireballs and a stack of freshly Xeroxed twenties I’m just dying to put to good use.

        Adores: 9
        • 2011 October 28

          Well, what do you know? According to Google, they do have fake testicles.

          http://www.neuticles.com/

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 October 28

          Yup, for those who don’t want their dog living with the stigma of being one of several dozen other dogs at the park without testicles.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 October 28
          Bombdude permalink

          Neuticles allows your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with altering

          Huh? Self-esteem? People who put out good money for this have more money than sense…

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 October 28
          Moira permalink

          False testicles are also in use for human males who need a replacement or two.

          It seems remarkably silly to put them on pets.

          I wonder if trucks have low self-esteem…

          Adores: 11
      • 2011 October 28

        “…genitals to attach to his (fore)head…”

        Either a unicorn or an elephant he’d be.

        Adores: 8
        • 2011 October 28

          I hope he can find an athletic supporter that will fit his face, otherwise every time he goes above a brisk walk he’ll be in danger of giving himself a black eye with his extra one-eyed monster.

          Adores: 9
    • 2011 October 28
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      Three Balls Under the Chin is the name of my Asking Alexandria cover band.

      (Go ‘head, Google Image Search it.)

      Adores: 2
  13. 2011 October 28
    The Carpathian permalink

    I’ll give Sparky my bunch of expired JCPenney $10 coupons if he tattoos “I suck at Craigslist” on his forehead and posts a photo of it with any CL ad. Just to warn people.

    Adores: 17
  14. 2011 October 28

    Hm. I’m torn between:

    ~ Naked belly-flop into a pool filled with jell-O

    or

    ~ Visit the Humane Society cat-room after bathing in tuna juice. Also naked.

    I’m too tired for this crap; I’ll be in the corner.

    Adores: 6
  15. 2011 October 28

    Wow, you mean you can get MONEY for doing crazy things? All this time I’ve been doing it for Klondike bars.

    Adores: 26
    • 2011 October 28

      See what I mean about the (mostly) lurkers?

      This one damn-near gave me a sinus enema…it’s only my superior control that kept…

      What?

      Too much information?

      Alrighty, then. Carry on.

      Adores: 6
  16. 2011 October 28

    Before I answer this, I’m going to need to know what he considers to be a “Permanent injury,” since plastic surgery seems to be A-OK.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 October 28

      Well he said he won’t amputate anything, only have things added… I suggest he has a brain added

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 October 28
        D = DM permalink

        That would be a terrible waste of a perfectly good brain.

        Adores: 2
      • 2011 October 28
        Bombdude permalink

        Why you wanna punish a brain like that? What’d that brain ever do to you?

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 October 28
          Windrose permalink

          Well, let’s use this one. It belonged to Abby something.

          Adores: 12
  17. 2011 October 28
    Meej permalink

    Hmm… what do we think it’d cost to have Sparky get a clue surgically installed?

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 October 28
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      If by surgically installed you mean being beaten roundly over the head with a heavy object, I’m in for $5.

      Adores: 9
      • 2011 October 28

        I know some guys who owe me a favor and don’t ask too many questions.

        Adores: 6
      • 2011 October 28
        D = DM permalink

        “don’t ask too many questions” is IF’s The Proclaimers cover band.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 October 28

          It’s called a “Clue by 4”.

          Adores: 6
    • 2011 October 28

      The entire game or just the candlestick?

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 October 28
        Lola permalink

        Candlestick … but the lead pipe is acceptable as well.

        Adores: 3
  18. 2011 October 28
    Hips of Steel permalink

    Sing the entire score from the H.M.S. Pinafore

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 October 28
      SpaceBug permalink

      in opossum latin

      Adores: 5
    • 2011 October 28

      Ooh, a plan fiendishly clever in its intricacies!

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 October 28
        SpaceBug permalink

        or, as the Brits say, intricacies.

        Adores: 5
      • 2011 October 28
        Lola permalink

        Welcome, and please continue to comment, TC!

        Adores: 1
  19. 2011 October 28
    kelli permalink

    I will pay him $5 to stand on a public street corner near a comic convention for 32 hours while screaming “Star Wars is overrated and Richie Rich is the best comic ever!”

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 October 28

      I’ll pay him $10 to stand at a StarTrek convention with a sign saying “Janeway was the best captain.”

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 October 28
        Dan permalink

        Not wassname – the Scott Bakula guy?

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 October 28

          He’s kinda unknown, due to the obscurity of the series. Janeway is, generally, more recognized and more hated.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 October 28

          <3 Bakula….Quantum Leap.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 October 28

          Wait… people hate Janeway? I guess I’m glad that for most shows I casually watch and don’t get involved in fandom.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 October 28
          Moira permalink

          I don’t like her voice but the character is okay.

          Enterprise was just vile.

          Adores: 1
      • 2011 October 28

        I’d give him $15 to go to a StarWars convention dressed as Spock.

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 October 29
          kelli permalink

          I would do that for free.

          Adores: 2
  20. 2011 October 28
    mud "" slicker permalink

    Two words and I bet he reneges:

    Human Centipede

    Adores: 11
  21. 2011 October 28
    subbie_333 permalink

    i’ll give Sparky a dollar for every day that he stays off the internet, and, i’ll send the dollar every day as an email attachment.

    Adores: 11
  22. 2011 October 28
    kelli permalink

    New offer: $5.36 to read aloud every piece of Star Trek or Star Wars slash fiction while standing in a kiddy pool of gelatin or chocolate pudding in the middle of Times Square starting at 9am on a Monday.

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 October 28
      Lola permalink

      7 a.m. is even better. People will already be on their way to work … even in TS. 8)

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 October 28
        kelli permalink

        Consider it amended to 7 am.

        Adores: 4
      • 2011 October 28
        LimeLolly permalink

        And then he should sing “Putting On The Ritz”….

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 October 28
          kelli permalink

          In a Mr. Peanut costume.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 October 28

          Made of real peanuts. And then we release the squirrels!

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 October 28
          Windrose permalink

          Go visit Cake Wrecks today for squirrelly goodness.

          Adores: 2
  23. 2011 October 28
    CraigsLister permalink

    recomposed
    by Sparky McLoaf

    And I would do anything for cash,
    I’d sew balls right onto my chin.
    I would do anything for cash,
    I’d eat the contents of a garbage bin.

    And I’ll always be needing the cash I seek now, oh yeah, all day.
    And I would do anything for cash,
    Oh, think up sumthin’ I can do for cash,
    I’d do most anything for cash,
    Maybe even that.
    Yep, I might try that.

    How ’bout some public T-shirt time.
    Lick your dishes ’till there’s no more grime.
    I need OBO’s, don’t stall, as there are some things that I need.

    And if you have got the dough.
    I’ll take anything you can throw.
    All I ask is that you hold my beer while I stitch up my head.

    And maybe I’m crazy.
    Oh I’m wacko and I’m broke.
    I know you can help me, no one else can help, it’s no joke.

    As long as it’s real official.
    As long as it’s some wild shit.
    As long as there’s no amputation, you’d better believe it!

    That I would do anything for cash,
    Tat’ a red table onto my ass.
    And I would do anything for cash,
    I’d swallow anything that’ll ‘pass’.

    But I’ll never forgive myself if the vid’ don’t go viral.

    I would do anything for cash,
    Post a comprehensible ad,
    But I just can’t do that.
    No, I can’t do that.

    Adores: 12
  24. 2011 October 28
    Karmyn permalink

    I have $5 and some change. I dare Sparky to read The Eye or Argon without breaking down.
    But then Sparky probably can’t read.

    Adores: 3
  25. 2011 October 28
    Mysterious Redhead permalink

    If you eat the package of no longer identifiable mysteriousness at the back of my fridge, I have a shiny quarter with your name on it! It shouldn’t hurt you… much.*

    *No guarantees

    Adores: 4
  26. 2011 October 28
    Ralph permalink

    I’d like a one-paragraph proof of Fermat’s Last Theorum. Payment upon delivery.

    Adores: 6
  27. 2011 October 28

    He should have to do a dramatic reading of Twilight dressed as a Sparklepire (ie: doused in glitter)

    Adores: 5
  28. 2011 October 29
    Windrose permalink

    It’s either very very late Friday night or much too early Saturday morning. In any event, here’s the overdue Punchity Punch Punches for Hammy and Taco.

    Good Morning, Evel Knievel!

    Adores: 3

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