YSaC, Vol. 1113: Breaking up is remarkably hard to do.
2011 November 2
hired for breakups – m4mw
Date: 2011-10-15, 9:37AM EDT
Reply to:
If you cant do a break up with your realationship then for a $$$ I could make it eaier on you to do it for you contact Tim Breaking up is what we do from time to time
That’s right, when it’s too much work to just passive-aggressively ignore someone’s phone calls, or to come up with an excuse about why you’re not available on Friday night and you’ve already used the one about having to wash your cat, you can have Tim do your dirty work for you.
Except … Tim didn’t provide any contact information, so I have no idea how to get hold of him. It’s like he’s … breaking up with me. (Also somewhat humorously, this was posted in “Missed Connections”. Yes, it certainly is.)
Thanks, Sierra!
Dear Tim,
I don’t know quite how to say this, but I am sure you will know what I mean. You’re a greedy, soulless bastard and filed for a restraining order. I’m changing all the locks and phone numbers. Have a life.
PS. The cat decorated your belongings when I put them out on the lawn.
Is this some radical new therapy?
Funny coincidence that his name is Tim Breaking and breaking up is what he does. Or he’s Tim Breaking and up is what he does, not sure.
Up what? Up yours?
Breaking up – it’s a hard on to do.
Oh hai corner! Mmmm…..caramel machiatto coffee slices, fresh from the oven!
In my home town there’s a funeral home called Dyer’s. No one but me finds this hilarious. Maybe it’s the dead people part that others think isn’t funny. Get a sense of humor, people!
One of my friends once told me that in his hometown there was a funeral home called Fondle. I’m glad he found that funny enough to share.
My local fav: In a town 20 miles from me there is a car lot called Mike Cox Used Cars.
I’m the only one that chuckles EVERY SINGLE TIME I drive by it. I know. I’m a perv and I really need to grow up. I blame Hubby.
Our recently-term-limited Attorney General was a man by the name of Mike Cox. And, no joke, seemed to have a fetish for enacting and strictly enforcing laws related to sexual conduct.
He was a bit of a dick.
It would be much much worse if the name was Mike Hunt. This is a favorite April First prank, to ask someone to page Mike Hunt.
Well, since I’m already in the corner….
Storytime!
My baby girl’s hubby has a knack/penchant/obsession for finding and wearing the most inappropriate Halloween costume he can find to the adults only party every year.
This year?
He was a certified diver…..
……a graduate of Mike Hunt’s School of Diving….
I saw an episode of Strange Foods where Andrew Zimmern was taken into the jungle by Mike Hawke, a tour guide. I had a lot of fun with that one asking my wife if she would like to take a jungle tour with Mike Hawke and similar questions.
My town, long, long ago (back when National Lampoon was a periodical) had an auto repair shop run by Ed Marek and Paul Szchertz.
I never did take a photo of the sign on that business, and really, really, really, wanted to. After all, how often are you likely to see a sign for:
S & M Body Shop
?
Tim says that breaking up is what we do.
Having paid, I know that it’s true.
My love’s back on the shelf.
Instead of paying Tim, I wish that I’d just done it by myself.
I see the Kitthens have replaced the ferrets. Hope the deposal was civil and humane.
The question here is this:
Did Dave use Tim to break up with the ferrets, or was it them?
It was Yoko.
OT – I just had a thought! No, wait…yes, yes…that was definitely a thought I had. Anyone here looking to become an enterprenuer? Well…I have the product for you! Coffee slices!
Hear me out – lurkers gather round – we are always talking about our coffee slices here, and for us that’s because the coffee needs to be stout enough to cut with a knife most days, but for a real go-getter (of which, sadly I am not..too damned lazy and…where was I?)….
As I was saying our coffee slices could probably be easily turned into cupcakes/cakes/muffins/cookies flavored like coffees – vanilla lattes, machiattos, etc.
You’re welcome, and I expect a gift basket when you become a go-zillionaire.
Lurkers, you can sit back down.
Mmmm … coffee cake!
Right…a totally niche bakery – like Starbucks..only more cake-y.
Here’s a little something I know from experience.* When baking, it’s best to use un-salted coffee slices, especially if your recipe calls for a lot of bacon grease.
*This may not actually be true.
The cupcakery in our town has a concoction named the “Stud Muffin.” It has bacon. And caramel. And it’s yummy. And dangerous.
Aren’t they all…
For some reason, I always picture the coffee slices to have the consistency of canned cranberry sauce.
You know what I mean, right? The old shaped-like-the-can-crimson-colored-cylinder-of-cranberry. On a plate. On the table. At Thanksgiving. All conveniently sliced 1-inch thick. Or was that just my family?
Anyway, that’s how I imagine coffee slices. Like that, only various shades of brown, depending on milk content. =)
Somebody come up with a recipe for jellied coffee, quick.
Maybe we could adapt one for kahlua jello shots.
I called and got the following recording:
The problem is all inside your head, Tim said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
Id like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Just dump him, Tim.
Get out the back, Jack.
Leave your key, Lee, and set yourself free…
Get on the Bee Truck, Schmuck.
Make a new plan, Stan.
You don’t need a decoy, Roy!
Just listen to Tim.
Oh, this ad is just what I’ve been looking for! I need someone to help me deal with the pain I’m going to cause when I get me to break up with myself. What would I ever do without me, Tim? I mean you. Without you.
Or do I?
Come here, me! I could never break up with us!
We? Tim Breaking and all the voices in his head, perhaps?
And how does one “Do up,” or do I really want to know. Maybe it has to do with a house and an unrealistic scenario involving party baloons.
Helium filled comdoms, maybe?
Hey look, caramel slices today!
Are comdoms the hilariously over-/under-sized ones people buy to make their man feel like a stud / shame him out at his 21st?
And what are baloons? Balconies for the state bird of Minnesota?
Jen – Once an infinitely funny soon to be X-girlfriend bought a penis enlarger (the vacuum pump type), wrapped it up in pretty paper and ribbons and stuck it under my Christmas tree. Imagine the hilarity that ensued Christmas morning when I opened that present in front of my siblings and parental units. I would have preferred a Dear John letter, but c’est la vie…….
@Coffy – ouch. In so many ways.
@AR – I think they’re adorable, but loony, bears.
Thanks Jen. “Bear Necessities” just arc welded itself into my cranium.
What if I don’t want break up my “realationship,” I just want a different guy? I mean, look at the benefits – company on holidays, gifts (both as something to receive and to have fun shopping for), another person in my vacation photos, my parents have stopped bothering me about being too picky. But the current guy … he thinks spray cheese its its own food group, will wear orange and burgundy together without regard for the retinas of other people, and just the other day I caught him … listening to Nickelback. I can do without somebody like that. I wonder if Sparky Tim will help me break up with the guy but negotiate it so I can still keep the relationship.
I only get involved with fakelationships because realationships are just too real.
Lola,
As long as you have Facebook, you can have a relationship any time you want.
Caveat: In this situation, you are probably legally obligated to change your relationship status to “It’s complicated,” but I won’t tell anybody. What happens in the Lounge stays in the Lounge. As long as it’s not a French Preventional Chaste Lounge, anyway.
I have wanted to change my status to “It’s complicated” even when I’m not in one because the reasons for it are sometimes complicated.
I want f/b to add a category to “Relationship status.”
Said category would be
“f(x) where x = b b=/= x -> lim(i)^(e^i) ±bonito flakes”
As in, if anyone else can figure it out, could you give me a clue?
I’m guessing that, since Tim’s such an expert on breaking up, he’s not only the founder of Tim’s Breaking Up Club for Wusses, he’s also a member.
Close, Lyle. From the commercial:
Why didn’t they mention this on Career Day back in school? I LOVE breaking things!
If I had access to a plentiful supply of liquid nitrogen I’d even be willing to do a few shatterings as well.
If you ever come visit me, I might be able to arrange for some liquid nitrogen.
Just sayin’…
Online-only romances aren’t real-ationships, are they?
I believe that question should be referred to the asker’s spouse/partner/significant other.
I would, but my girlfriend’s from Canada. They’re just gettin’ the intertubes up there and they’re slow, so you probably won’t really hear back.
Oh yeah, Tim? Well, for only a $$ (that’s a whole $ savings) I will break up anyone’s realationships. And I’ll use interpretive dance. And violence, if necessary. Or unnecessary. From time to time. It’s what we (that’s the royal “we”) do.
I love interpretive dance. In fact, I used that very method this morning to show the idiots blocking me from turning into the parking lot how displeased I was with them. I wrenched my elbow though, so I have to heal up before I can do it again.
Tell me about it L2. My doctor has banned me from full-on interpretive dance, so I can only use my middle finger to let drivers know that they need to remove their heads from their rectums.
You have to be careful of carpal tunnel though…. I hope you remember to alternate use of your digits, FM.
here in Britishland we prefer to use two fingers … the gesture has been with us since we fought the French (for 100 years)
I was wondering, how long was the Hundred Years War? No one ever tells me, they think I’m joking. 8/
Longer than that, from what I remember reading. Like 118 or 135 years, something ridiculous.
No corey tags – could be completely talking out of my butt here.
I vote like, 8 weeks. Time was faster in Ye Olde Days, on account of there not having been so much of it yet. Like when you’re a kiddie, and your mum says “just wait five minutes” – that takes like a month, right? But now, two hours can go by like a proverbial very fast thing!* This is probably because of quantum.
*NB obvs this does not apply when said two hours is spent watching Twilight, The Notebook, Big Momma’s anything or similar dreck.
Jen, your comment reminds me of a friend of mine whose favorite answer to “what would you do if you found out you had an hour to live” was “play Phil Collins” because he feels like those songs go on forever. It might only be an hour that he lives, but it will feel longer!
Tim where were you when I needed you? I had to do all the breaking up myself -and without resorting to interpretive dance either. Are we sure he means real-ationships and not timber or ferniter or bee-covered trucks or RED TABLES?
Here’s how it works:
You print out this ad, and leaving it lying around where your “realationship” will see it. He/she/it will get the hint, and just like that, you’re rid of your “realationship.”
And then Tim will just bill you, AR?
Or he could advise you to just not post for a while after spending a wonderful day in the box together…
Oh, hey there, QQ!
funky, CJ, you know the drill. Stop, Drop, and Punchity Punch Punch!
G’Night, Enchanter Tim!
Out of morbid curiosity, my husband and I ventured onto our local CL’s “missed connections” last night to see what it was all about. What we saw required brain bleach. I will never go to that dark place again, never! >.<