YSaC, Vol. 1123: Habemus waves!

2011 November 16

Two Holy Wetsuits


Clearing out old used inventory

Henderson Yellow Youth XL fullsuit (PICKED UP ALREADY)

Quiksilver Mens Large… has holes. (PICKED UP ALREADY)

Rip Curl Mens XL Fullsuit… has holes

Rip Curl Spring Junior size 14… has holes.

 

Who knew? Wetsuits can protect against cold water AND Satan! I’ve always wanted to see the Pope engaging in watersports. And now, with the new Holy Wetsuit line, he can! Made of neoprene that has been blessed by the Sisters of Perpetual Pipelines, the Holy Wetsuit allows the Pontiff to carve it up in some cranking waves.

Thanks, Chelsea!

 

58 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 November 16
    Lola permalink

    I’ve always wanted to see the Pope engaging in watersports.

    I think I blacked out there for a moment, drmk. Thanks … I think?

    Adores: 13
    • 2011 November 16

      [totally innocent] What? [/totally innocent]*

      *I can’t really get away with that one, can I?

      Adores: 13
      • 2011 November 16
        SpaceBug permalink

        Habemus sinus hostilis

        Adores: 3
    • 2011 November 16
      Hips of Steel permalink

      Lola, you’re not the only one. My mind went to a very dark place after reading that sentence.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 November 16
        Lola permalink

        After mine recovered (or at least regained consciousness), it ran, whimpering, into the corner and wants to stay there.
        *mimblewhimble*
        *wibble*

        Adores: 6
        • 2011 November 16
          CapnMac permalink

          *mimblewhimble*

          “Mimblewhimple”?

          Is that woolen shredding attire for nuns?

          Buoy that sister can long-board!

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 November 16
          Lola permalink

          That’s a B.

          Adores: 3
      • 2011 November 16
        funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

        Heh heh. Pope, wetsuit, and “dark place”. Heh heh.

        Adores: 9
        • 2011 November 16

          Hello, Acme Brain Bleach? Would you please send a tanker truck over to 31416 Ferret Lane? But this is an emergency.

          Adores: 10
  2. 2011 November 16

    And lo, did the Lord Jesus return from His surfing to find Mary cleaning out His closet.

    “Woman!” the Lord exclaimed, “why dost thou tosseth my favorite holy garb?”

    “Sweet Jesus!” Mary shouted, “thou has outworn and outgrown thy wetsuits, Son, tis time to get thee about thy Father’s business!”

    And Jesus was vexed. He wished only for sand and surf, having no desire to follow in His Father’s footsteps.

    But Mary persisted and one by one the holy wetsuits were purchased. When it was all over, Jesus had 20 pieces of silver to show for His sacrifice and He was pleased.

    So pleased, in fact, that He couldn’t wait to show His friend, Judas.

    “Behold, Judas, for I have 20 pieces of silver to spend in the marketplace!”

    And Judas was jealous.

    He was oh so very, very jealous…

    Adores: 28
  3. 2011 November 16
    Bear on a Hatstand permalink

    And lo, it came to pass that Jesus was Bored and Vexed with all the calls for “Walk on water!”.

    And so, Jesus wandereth to the Supermarket and bought a Great Mass of Custard. And he took the custard, made it to be viscous, and poured it into the pool in the towne square. However, his robes became dirty with the powder and the milk of the cow … and so the prophet donned his Holy Wetsuit and he walked upon the custard. The moneylenders set aside their tasks and marveled at the Man Upon The Custard in the Holy Wetsuit and were amazed.

    Adores: 13
  4. 2011 November 16

    Our Father, who art in Hawaii,
    soggy be thy name.
    Your vacation come,
    your suit is done,
    on earth as it is in ocean.
    Give us this day our daily sale,
    and forgive us our crappy products
    as we also have forgiven our suppliers.
    And lead us not into bankruptcy,
    but deliver us from holes.

    Amen.

    Where am I going and why am I in this hand-basket?

    Adores: 10
  5. 2011 November 16

    I’ll bake some extra coffee slices, since the blasphemy section of the corner will be full today.

    Adores: 10
  6. 2011 November 16
    Windrose permalink

    Pie Jesu domine,
    *waves crash*
    dona eis requiem.

    Surf’s up, Dude!

    Sis, move over. The AC doesn’t work on this side of the hand basket.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 November 16
      CapnMac permalink

      Pie Jesu domine,
      [waves crash]
      dona eis requiem.
      ::WIPEOUT::

      et benedictus Surfaris

      from Psalms of 1 Cowabunga 60

      Adores: 4
  7. 2011 November 16
    camille permalink

    Holy water sold separately.

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 November 16

      Don’t you mean holey water?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 November 16
        mud "" slicker permalink

        I think it’s wholly water. Meaning, all of it.

        Adores: 6
        • 2011 November 16
          CapnMac permalink

          Ah, j’comprende!
          There being 1.338*10^6 cubic kilometers of water in the Earth’s hydrosphere, that’s likely to burst a holey or two in a wet suit, duud!

          Adores: 3
  8. 2011 November 16

    I once had a scooba minister come to my door to preach me the word of Frog. Personally, I thought he was all wet.

    Adores: 10
    • 2011 November 16
      funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

      “Scooba”. I heart me some Taco.

      Adores: 6
  9. 2011 November 16
    MandaB permalink

    I’m envisioning the epic Cecil B. DeMille film, “The Hang Ten Commandments”. Charleton Heston would be replaced with Keanu Reeves and Yul Brynner by Pauly Shore.

    “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s righteous board.”

    Adores: 21
    • 2011 November 16

      Tubular.

      Adores: 5
    • 2011 November 16
      Lola permalink

      The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not, like, harsh my, like, mellow, dude. Duuuuuude. Dude. Wait, what?

      Adores: 9
    • 2011 November 16
      mud "" slicker permalink

      Adam and Moses’ Excellent Adventure

      Told in great detail in the Book of Gnarly. “…and god said, ‘Surf’s up!’ and it was good.

      …and, doth clearly once again, Sparky cannot count.

      Adores: 7
  10. 2011 November 16
    Rabbit Roulette permalink

    I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea of someone wanting a USED wetsuit, much less one with holes in it. And what kind of holes are we talking about here? Big, small, awkwardly located? Even if they were free they wouldn’t be much of a deal. And just imagine the wet Sparky smell that must accompany them.
    *shudder*

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 November 16

      And just imagine the wet Sparky smell that must accompany them.

      No thanks, I’ll pass.

      Speaking of passing….Lola? I need an extra dose of Excedrin Migraine in my flask today, thankyouverymuch.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 November 16
        Lola permalink

        *backs up semi*
        I’m restocking my own, so I have plenty to share, CJ. Hang on while I get the forklift.

        Adores: 3
  11. 2011 November 16
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    In a perfect world, the title of the post can only be read in Burt Ward’s voice, and followed by the word “Batman!”

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 November 16
      mud "" slicker permalink

      If the suits are wet, they must be getting ready to do duel with The Piddler.

      Adores: 7
  12. 2011 November 16

    “The Killer Goldfish of Caerbannog.”

    PHILIPPE: We have the Holy Wet Suit.

    JACQUES: Yes, of course! The Holy Wet Suit of Sea Hunt! ‘Tis one of the sacred relics brother Jean-Michel carries with him! Brother Jean-Michel! Bring up the Holy Wet Suit!

    JACQUES: How does it, um– how does it work?

    PHILIPPE: I know not, my liege.

    JACQUES: Consult the Book of SCUBA!

    BROTHER JEAN-MICHEL: SCUBA, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.

    BROTHER PIERRE-YVES: And Saint Bridges raised the Wet Suit up on high, saying, ‘O Lord, bless this Thy Wet Suit that, with it, Thou mayest drown Thine enemies in briny seas in Thy mercy.’ And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the tuna and salmon and carp and anchovies and orangutans and vintage breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu–

    JEAN-MICHEL: Skip a bit, Brother.

    BROTHER PIERRE-YVES: And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take down the Holy zipper. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, holdest thou thy breath within the Holy Wet Suit of Sea Hunt dive towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.’

    JEAN-MICHEL: Amen.

    CALYPSO CREW: Amen.

    JACQUES: Right! One!… Two!… Five!

    JEAN-MICHEL: Three, sir!

    JACQUES: Three!

    Adores: 19
  13. 2011 November 16

    Holes in your wetsuit? Are there aquatic versions of moths? Piranhas, maybe…?

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 November 16
      mud "" slicker permalink

      There are holy versions of moths. They’re called angels by some people.

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 November 16
      Rabbit Roulette permalink

      I’m still trying not to visualize the LOCATION of those holes, or why said holes might possibly be IN certain locations.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 November 16
        Lola permalink

        *passes brain bleach*

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 November 16
          Rabbit Roulette permalink

          My favorite brand of brain bleach is Jack Daniels.

          Adores: 8
      • 2011 November 16
        CapnMac permalink

        Well, one also has to NOT imagine the Urban Dictionary definition of “water sports” either . . .

        Luckily I have braised beef short ribs to attend my mental focus, otherwise it would be attempting to assume a Möbius fœtal position under the stuf in the back of the closet of The Corner . . .

        Adores: 3
  14. 2011 November 16
    funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

    Amazing Waves
    How sweet the spray!
    I wonder if Criagslist
    Could help meeeee?

    I need a holy wetsuit
    And some sanctifed sex wax
    Then I can hang
    With Brother
    Spi-cooooo-liiiiii.

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 November 16
      mud "" slicker permalink

      Mr. Zog approves.

      Adores: 2
  15. 2011 November 16
    Karmyn permalink

    We’re all going to Hell for this one.
    But I hear the music is great there.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 November 16
      funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

      Yes, and they have awesome buffets.

      Adores: 4
  16. 2011 November 16
    LimeLolly permalink

    At least these aren’t wicked and depraved wetsuits. With holy suits you won’t have to worry about drowning.

    Well, maybe they’ll come with the harps and halos already attached.

    Adores: 9
  17. 2011 November 16

    Here’s a question that I suspect has no good answer:

    If you’re going to the trouble of editing your CL post to let people know that certain items are now unavailable, but other are still for sale, why not just remove the sold items rather than adding a note saying “(PICKED UP ALREADY)”??? What if I really wanted the Yellow Youth XL one? Now you’re just teasing me. : (

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 November 16
      CraigsLister permalink

      Tease Tease Tease Tease Tease
      Tease Tease Tease Tease Tease
      Tease Tease Tease Tease Tease

      FOR SALE 3 yellow junoir gof tees

      Adores: 4
  18. 2011 November 16
    Ralph permalink

    It’s holy, but is it piss-free?

    Adores: 1
  19. 2011 November 17
    CoffDrop permalink

    OK – Lets kick this up a notch:

    another-spotting-of-jesus-on-dogs-arse

    Adores: 1
  20. 2011 November 17
    Windrose permalink

    *puts on gravity boots to hang upside down*

    Jen, here’s your punchity punch punch! Thanks for playing!

    Good Morning, Chicken of the Sea!

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 November 17
      Jen permalink

      I gots a punchity punch! And I was sick and missed it!!! Man, I can’t wait till I have enough to buy some truckbees all of my own!!!

      Adores: 0

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.