YSaC, Vol. 1126: 7 Foot Queenie
Have you ever seen any of those amazing reality shows, where you get to watch people eat things that you don’t normally see people eat?
You could watch:
Guy Fiere eating chicken gizzards.
Andrew Zimmern eating maggot cheese.
Anthony Bourdain eating a warthog.
Or…
7-Foot Man Eating Burmese Python, 5 years old Male
7 foot man eating burmese python.
Born on 6-6-06.
Responds to the name Lucifer and anything with an IR signature that moves.
His interests include tennis, bicycling, and sudoku.
Tons of personality. And by personality I mean teeth.
$100 for the python, $300 for python, cage, and all accessories within.
Prices are very fair and therefore firm, lower offers will not be considered.
###-###-####
“Oh no! It’s a huge python! Who can save us?”
“It’s me! Seven Foot Man!”
“Seven foot man! He can save us! As long as he doesn’t trip over his seven feet and…..”
*crash*
“Never mind.”
Thanks for the post, Ralph!
Its all to do with capitalisation, Sparky. Your title needs revising. Capitals are important things and not to be used casually.
e.g. ” I helped Uncle Jack off a horse. ”
Here, the capital letters (the large ones) are important.
* I’ll be in the corner making whimpering noises *
Capitalization is important, but I think it is the missing hyphen that did Sparky in. I’m hoping that Sparky meant “man-eating”. You on the other hand, Princess, did good by excluding the hyphen between Jack and off. So come out of that corner. Well done………
Thanks CoffDrop – it was getting very lonely in there …… and there were spiders!
Attention Ferrets: Yummy spiders in the corners!
Hey!
Well, a seven-foot man probably can eat whatever he desires, including asian snakes. What the suffixed kindergartener adds to this performance remains vague.
better whimpering in the corner than neighing…
This will go perfectly with my, Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger and my mushroom.
The extra comma.
Why the extra comma?!?!?
Because the semicolon lost it’s head?
It’s a breath mark.
‘Firm, lower offers’ are about as probable as a snake riding a bicycle or playing tennis. Oh, wait.
But they’re whizzes at sudoku, and by “sudoku” I mean “overrunning Florida.”
Firm Lower Offers is the name of my 4 Non Blondes cover band.
You win for the PJ Harvey reference.
(edit: how do I change my avatar? I haven’t had dark hair for about two years now…)
Try Gravatar.com
Thanks!
The PJ Harvey reference was my suggestion. *preens*
*likes the Llama-Nun even more*
I’m impressed that the seven-foot man is only five years old, though I think it’s customary to call them “kindergarteners” rather than “men” at that age.
Maybe eating Burmese pythons ages you faster.
There’s an “ew” in there somewhere.
And it depends on how you interpret the verb as to how squicky of an “eww” it is.
Well, since Sparkdom is involved, the 5 y/o might have a 29 February birthday.
Cake insufficiency could drive a person–especially a Sparkie–to becoming a herpetivore.
Don’t tell me; let me guess. Sparky is an angsty teenager whose parents told him that the python had to go and that if he wanted to go for shock value, he should just stick to reading LaVey.
Kids these days. Doesn’t anyone read Crowley any more?
So if this python were to eat, say, Wilt Chamberlain, would his feet be sticking out of its mouth or somehthing? 7 feet seems to be the limit. Great, now I’m gunna be thinking about that all day long.
Snake charmer, looking for charming snake. Must like 7 foot men, have outside interests, and have a cool name. Email SwamiSparky at charmed.com
But… but… how does he pedal?! Damn, now I’m going to be worrying about this all day.
Didn’t you read my comment? He pedals with Wilt Chamberlain’s feet that are sticking out of his mouth. 🙂
He uses his pecil.
Does the box have corners today?
Pecil pedaling is illegal, isn’t it? I thought that section was taken off of CL.
Yes LimeLolly, look out for spiders!
If you had seven feet, you’d probably shuffle more than peddle–probably would need a very specialized bicycle (even more specialized than the chairs for the man With Three Buttocks).
Maybe OT:
Ever have one of those days when you feel like a 7-ft man eating a Burmese python, even though in reality you’re a 5-ft woman and you haven’t had python in years?
No?
Just me then?
Alrighty, then. Carry on.
Told you it might be OT.
Dang, now I’ll be imagining the last time you ate python all day.
<goes straight to Corner at high velocity>
See, Taco? That’s what I was trying to teach you with the hyphenated adjectives!!
At least there are no semicolons.
Oh, I’m being eaten
By a boa constrictor,
A boa constrictor,
A boa constrictor,
I’m being eaten by a boa constrictor,
And I don’t like it one bit.
Well, what do you know?
It’s nibblin’ my toe.
Oh, gee,
It’s up to my knee.
Oh my,
It’s up to my thigh.
Oh, fiddle,
It’s up to my middle.
Oh, heck,
It’s up to my neck.
Oh, dread,
It’s upmmmmmmmmmmffffffffff…
By Shel Silverstein (May he RIP)
I loved the Peter, Paul, and Mary version of that song when I was a wee bairn.
That song just doesn’t make any sense. Everyone knows pythons start swallowing you from your mmmmmmmmmmffffffff…
Not if you’re playing a guitar.
Wasn’t there a movie…
Snakes on a n*(r-r0)=0
There’s always a movie …..Rule 34 (?) anyone?
The snake has outgrown the cage, and after swallowing a few 7-foot men, it will get bigger. Much bigger.
There isn’t much of a market for snakes that size; I’ve seen too many of them offered for free on craigslist. Don’t get a pet you can’t care for; a Ball Python is far easier to handle and doesn’t grow over 4 feet long. You can even take it to dinner without being the main course.
Sparky probably bought it at a pet store in Bolton, and couldn’t get a refund.
“Burmese pythons is one of the many species whose population in the Everglades has grown recently thanks to their release by local residents who once bought them as exotic pets but then set them loose after they grew too big.”
Needs better editing.
This is all I think about now.
Moon-light skinny-dipping in lake Okeechobee has never been more exciting. Hold my beer and watch this….
I thought there would be more pecil-related jokes by now.
Hi there, I’m a seven-foot man. Would you like to see my snake? It responds to petting and anything warm…..
Hey Gramps! Always good to see you, but the snake, not so much …
Waddahkno? The devil’s such a wily snake!
He’s even a man eating snake!
Fair dues though, if a 7-foot long snake told me to eat an apple, I would. Just to buy time until the hallucinogens wore off, if nothing else.
LL and Ghosty, this very cooperative Snake is going to do the — What? No arms for punching? Oh. Okay, you can go, then. Sorry to have bothered you. Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Myanmar!