YSaC, Vol. 1127: All caps Barbie™

2011 November 22

BARBIES – $50


I have several barbies that i have collected over a few years, and now if feel it is time to part with them. I originally purchased them to start a collection, but it was more work than I THOUGHT.
I AHVE HOLIDAY BARBIES
CHRISTMAS BARBIE AND MORE

the prices ranges, so just let me know and i can seen you a picture.
Thank you.

Y’all, Barbies are hard work! You have to dress them, and brush their hair, and feed them, and take them for walks, and keep the Barbie Corvette gassed up for those emergency getaways, and worry about the mortgage on the Barbie Dream House, and take them all in for STD tests once a month since Ken can’t keep his anatomically incorrect organs in his pants, and save money to send them to college, where they’re just going to end up drunkenly akimbo at a fraternity party and doing the totter of shame home the next morning in their proportionally seven-inch heels.

Yeah, that’s more than I signed up for. Maybe I’ll just collect turtles.

Thanks, Alexis!

106 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 November 22
    CoffDrop permalink

    Barbie

    My idol was a Barbie doll
    With pointy breasts and waist so small.
    She really was a fancy thing
    With soft blond hair in a sixties swing

    We drank Tang, ate tasty filler
    We listened to songs sung by Mitch Miller
    Barbie’s legs, they bent just so
    I couldn’t figure it out, you know

    So, I took my trusty blade
    To see of what stuff my Barbie was made
    I showed my friends Hey look! A wire!
    They refused to believe, called me a liar

    Her wireless legs now all aflop
    Her neat blond hair twisted in a tangled mop

    My Barbie still was totally swell
    Made special for me by Mister Mattel

    Amy Sterling Casil

    Adores: 5
  2. 2011 November 22

    Hard workin’ Barbies? Yer doin’ it wrong.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 November 22
      Lola permalink

      Was this ad posted by Pimp Ken?

      Adores: 10
      • 2011 November 22
        funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

        I re-read the ad with your comment in mind. Gave it a whole new meaning. 🙂

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 November 22

          If there’s a “whole new meaning” to the post, then y’all are to blame.

          You have thoroughly corrupted me.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 November 22
          Lola permalink

          The ads never tell you that she paid for the Barbie Dreamhouse on her back. Or that Skipper, Midge, et al. are the rest of his “stable,” and their specialty is holiday-themed outfits, obviously. That legendary bustline? Ken made her get it. She had to pay that off, too.

          At least, that’s what I was getting from this ad. What the headline should really read is “It’s hard out there for a pimp – $50.”

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 November 22
          D = DM permalink

          Lola,

          and their specialty is holiday-themed outfits, obviously.

          No, they’re season-conscious. You have no idea how many guys fantasize about giving a $20 bill to a girl in a cap and gown, and Graduation Barbie makes bank.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 November 22

          I don’t want to think about what kind of kinky stuff Mermaid Barbie gets asked to do.

          It’s probably sushi-related … Oh, hi Dave and Ferrets. You’re right, the corner is looking spiffy today.

          Adores: 9
        • 2011 November 22
          D = DM permalink

          On a somewhat related note, for the Librarians:

          http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6127435/1/bBarbie_b_The_Dream_Hooker

          It’s short and… well, it’s short.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 November 22
          Lola permalink

          Ghostie:
          I’m thinking* hentai.

          *And now I can’t unthink it.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 November 22
          madbrnnr permalink

          Well, Lola, for your continued unthinking pleasure, may I present “Anatomically Correct Barbie and Ken”?

          http://www.zug.com/daily/journal/graphics/061306_barbie11_final.jpg

          I’ll be back in the corner…

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 November 22

          Note to self – avoid Barbie fanfiction.

          And now I’m thinking of hentai, too. I’ll go put another pot of brain bleach on the stove.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 November 22
          D = DM permalink

          NOTE: The fic linked above does not explicitly invoke Rule 34, and is happily free of tentacle rape.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 November 22

          Well, the tentacle part anyway.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 November 22

          ::cries::

          Why?

          (That applies to all links above.)

          Adores: 2
      • 2011 November 22
        D = DM permalink

        I can’t speak for madbrnnr, but personally… zombie Smurfs made me do it.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 November 22
          Lola permalink

          I thought it was because, y’know, ninjas?

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 November 22

          The only thing that zombie Smurfs make me do is want to find the author and draw a big red X on his face in permanent marker.

          Adores: 2
  3. 2011 November 22

    Writing CL ads is tough.

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 November 22
      Bianchi Sound permalink

      Reading them, tougher.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 November 22
        mud "" slicker permalink

        Interpreting them, the toughest.

        Adores: 2
  4. 2011 November 22
    madbrnnr permalink

    Great. Now I have to go looking for the new All Caps Barbie for my wife’s collection. Damn, this is hard.

    Adores: 4
  5. 2011 November 22
    funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

    I always felt Barbie was a high maintenance B. She had to have lots more attention than my other toys. My Curious George doll and Cabbage Patch doll were fine sleeping in the bed with me. But, nooooo, Ms Thang had to have her own house and car and pool.

    I know it was that attitude that drove Ken to the other side.

    Y’all know that Ken is gay, right?

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 November 22

      Psshh…I knew that the day I saw the Faaabulous Ken doll at Toys R Us.

      Adores: 4
    • 2011 November 22

      My G.I. Joe —

      Look, everybody; the corner has been redecorated.

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 November 22
        D = DM permalink

        Dave,

        You really should not do that with G.I. Joe. You’re supposed to leave them in the original packaging.

        *marches to the corner*

        Adores: 4
      • 2011 November 22
        mud "" slicker permalink

        G.I. Joe….now there was another man with a missing penis.

        Started at the age of four
        My mother went to the grocery store
        Went sneaking through her bedroom door
        To find something in a size four

        Sugar and spice and everything nice
        Wasn’t meant for only girls
        G.I. Joe in pantyhose
        Is making room for the one and only
        King for a day princess by dawn
        King for a day in a leather thong
        King for a day princess by dawn
        Just wait ’til all the guys get a load of me…

        -B.J. Armstrong *smooches*

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 November 22
          Lola permalink

          I love this.

          Adores: 2
  6. 2011 November 22

    Can I get some Malibu shrimp to go on my BARBIE, mate?

    Adores: 12
    • 2011 November 22
      D = DM permalink

      Some Malibu Shrimp is IF’s Kenny G cover band.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 November 22

        I thought it was IF’s Randy Newman tribute band.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 November 22
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          It’s better than that, even. It’s my Kenny G-Randy Newman-Jimmy Buffett supergroup tribute.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 November 22
          mud "" slicker permalink

          I thought it was the Beach Boys revival band with a Jimmy Buffett twist.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 November 22

          With their hit single “Short Songbirds on a Margaritaville Safari”

          Adores: 5
    • 2011 November 22
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      Now you’re just making me hungry!!!

      Adores: 1
  7. 2011 November 22
    Windrose permalink

    I just want to go watch the prices out on the ranges. How can Sparky seen me a picture? Is Sparky in my head? That would explain the bad thoughts.

    Adores: 6
  8. 2011 November 22

    …but it was more work than I THOUGHT.

    Poor Sparkles – it is a sad day when you discover that a Barbie doll is just too mentally taxing for you to handle.

    Adores: 19
    • 2011 November 22
      Lola permalink

      I’m thinking that in this instance, one of those old-fashioned ones that is basically an old-style clothespin with a face inked on is probably more Sparkles’ speed.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 November 22
        funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

        Ah. Depression Barbie. Got her. I also got her cousin, Dust Bowl Dorene.

        Adores: 10
        • 2011 November 22
          mud "" slicker permalink

          I recently sold Holocaust Hannah on e-Bay. She came with only one outfit though—striped pajamas.

          Adores: 5
        • 2011 November 22

          I sold my Prehistoric Pollyanna on eBay, but the buyer left me negative feedback – they claimed all I sent them was a bag of dirt. I quite clearly stated in my ad that there was some assembly required.

          Adores: 9
        • 2011 November 22
          funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

          I wonder if Mattel will have Occupy Wall Street Barbie out before the holidays?

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 November 22
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Barbie has no sense of direction. She’s currently occupying Fifth Avenue.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 November 22
          D = DM permalink

          Barbie has no sense of direction.

          Because she’s a WOMAN! Hahahaha! Right?

          Why is everybody looking at me like that? Mudsy? Monkey? Ghostie?

          …Lola?

          Oh, I get it. I’m not supposed to explain Mudsy’s jokes. Sorry.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 November 22
          LimeLolly permalink

          D, you will probably need extra credit cards when you get married, and probably a defribrillator. And a good doctor who is always on call. A pre-nup isn’t going to stop it.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 November 22
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Well D=DM, we know that Ken will never find it. He’s a man and refuses to stop and ask for directions. Last known GPS for him: Harlem.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 November 22
          D = DM permalink

          Barbie shouldn’t need a sense of direction, anyway. She can easily see the way to the oven from where she’s standing in front of the refrigerator.

          Gender-based humor is the best kind of gender-based entertainment, I always say.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 November 22
          mud "" slicker permalink

          From what I can gather, that’s a much longer distance than Ken is able to navigate. He can’t seem to make his way from the toilet seat to the lid—“oh, this goes down when I’m done using it?”

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 November 22
          D = DM permalink

          LL, that’s good to know. I’m glad I only asked my three fiancees to get engaged. Seems I’ve got more to think about than just deciding which one I want to ask to get married.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 November 22
          D = DM permalink

          Mudsy, while I always put the seat and the lid down because I am a germophobe, I have heard a compelling argument for why everyone should leave the seat in the position in which it was last used. If a man leaves it up, a woman will have to put it down, and vice versa, but in any event the maximum number of seat adjustments one person will have to make is one. Under the current regime, men are usually expected to lift the seat before using the toilet, then put it back down afterward, which is two adjustments and is inherently unfair.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 November 22
          Windrose permalink

          Why doesn’t everyone just sit down on the toilet? More comfort, no adjustment needed, less likely to miss. 8)

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 November 22
          D = DM permalink

          Windy, miss what? How do you know where we’re aiming?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 November 22
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Oh Windy, Windy, Windy. This goes back to primordial days. The hard wiring is just too tangled.

          …and D=DM, that logic sounds like a direct quote from the Mr. mudsy manual.

          😉

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 November 22
          LimeLolly permalink

          Nah, D… just gotta expect lots of shopping. On Fifth Avenue. Oh crap, I’ve told the secret. Arrgh. Forget you heard me say that. Just do a mind erase or something. 🙂 Remember, I don’t speak English.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 November 22

          The problem with your one-adjustment argument, D, is that then one is handling the seat last made dirty by someone else. I say everyone should just use it and leave it down, then no need to adjust it.

          Adores: 3
  9. 2011 November 22
    camille permalink

    Silly me – I always thought that “Holiday Barbie” and “Christmas Barbie” were the same thing. I guess I haven’t put in enough work.

    Adores: 2
  10. 2011 November 22
    funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

    All caps Barbie. Hum. A Barbie that screams.

    It’s Mother-In-Law Barbie!

    Adores: 6
  11. 2011 November 22
    Lola permalink

    Holiday Barbie is non-denominational, non-sectarian, and possibly confused Sparky because she was packaged in a box that referred to Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Festivus, New Year, and Beesmas. It’s the Beesmas that was too much work for Sparky.

    Adores: 7
  12. 2011 November 22
    D = DM permalink

    and take them all in for STD tests once a month since Ken can’t keep his anatomically incorrect organs in his pants

    So THAT’S why all the Barbies in my collection keep getting “mound burn.”

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 November 22
      D = DM permalink

      .

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 November 22
        D = DM permalink

        Thanks for confirming my suspicion that simple punctuation is funnier than my jokes.

        Adores: 6
        • 2011 November 22
          Windrose permalink

          That’s not true. We’re just punctuation junkies. 8)

          Adores: 2
  13. 2011 November 22

    “HI! BILLY MAYS here for BARBIE!”

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 November 22
      D = DM permalink

      “Are you TIRED of dealing with REAL WOMEN? I mean, have you ever noticed how TALL they are? And they NEVER wear what YOU want them to wear…”

      Adores: 10
  14. 2011 November 22
    tigprincess permalink

    Thanks D=DM. I went further than Mum Barbie and looked at the others http://discotreats.com/barbie-girls/ I think Fat Barbie is my favourite

    Heaven protect me from having a granddaughter

    Mind you I did threaten to buy my daughter My Little Pony abbatoir.

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 November 22

      Ooh, they have those? It’d be nice not to have to use my good pot when I’m boiling Ponies.

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 November 22
        Jen permalink

        Ghostie, since reading your comment this morning, I’ve been hearing “when I’m boiling ponies” to the tune of “When I’m Cleaning Windows” all day. Worst. Mashup. Ever.

        Adores: 0
        • 2011 November 22

          Having just heard the original, I apologize.

          Adores: 1
  15. 2011 November 22
    Artsy Computer Geek permalink

    I have a bag of missing barbie shoes. I wonder if I could get some obo’s for those. They are too much work to keep up with.

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 November 22

      *contemplates Artsy’s post*

      You have a bag of missing shoes?

      But, how do you know how many are missing?

      Wait, are these ninja shoes?

      Adores: 10
    • 2011 November 22
      camille permalink

      Well, now we know where missing Barbie shoes go when they disappear. Artsy, you don’t happen to have a bag of mismatched socks, do you?

      Adores: 1
  16. 2011 November 22
    ladycrim permalink

    Hey, having a collection of Barbies is hard work! You have to brush their hair, undress them everywhere, use your imagination, make life your creation, and of course go party!

    Adores: 10
  17. 2011 November 22
    valarie permalink

    It reminds me of the joke about the girl who wanted a Barbie and GI Joe set for Christmas.
    Her mother said “But honey, Barbie comes with Ken, not GI Joe” ….Her daughter said”No Mom, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she comes with GI Joe”

    Adores: 16
  18. 2011 November 22
    kelli permalink

    Snark. Snide comment. Subtle implication that poster is of less the average intelligence. Reference to Douglas Adams, Monty Python, or Battlestar Galatica.

    Sorry, the week leading up to Thanksgiving is not a lot of fun for those of us who work in grocery stores. I just can’t think of anything today, I will try to have actual content next time.

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 November 22

      {{kelli}}

      If you make it through the day without battering someone into unconsciousness with a Butterball turkey, you’re doing a better job than I could.

      Adores: 4
    • 2011 November 22
      Lola permalink

      I remember that.

      ((((hug))))

      Adores: 0
    • 2011 November 22
      D = DM permalink

      Aww, Kelli. I imagine you’re probably having to actively suppress your snark right about now.

      Adores: 1
  19. 2011 November 22
    subbie_333 permalink

    OK, i don’t collect Barbies, so, i am confused about how collecting them can be more work than one thinks. i mean, which part is hard – the buying it, the leaving it in the packaging – oh wait! i know – it’s the part where you have to decide to display it on a shelf or store it in a box. i’m so confused! Damn, Sparky’s right again!

    Adores: 5
    • 2011 November 22
      mud "" slicker permalink

      The key word here is “start” a collection. Obviously, this involves some sort of batteries and/or ignition keys and Sparky has no idea if CPR will be involved later on.

      Adores: 6
  20. 2011 November 22
    indigo permalink

    Me thinks Sparky is an alias for Governor LaPetomane of Blazing Saddles fame. “Work, work, work…”
    Barbies have all the right parts in the frightening proportions the Gov. would love.

    Adores: 2
  21. 2011 November 22

    Do you know how hard it is for a little girl to leave the Barbies in the box and not play with them? Sparkette’s parents want her to start this collection as an investment in her future, but the temptation is killing her! So now they’re making her sell them to at least get some value out of them. Poor Sparkette, never getting to play with her toys, always having to display them in their original packaging.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 November 22

      Mom’s got a Tressy doll that’s still in the original packaging, she used to hide it from my sister and me so we wouldn’t be tempted to play with it.

      You play “Joan of Arc” with one Barbie and you’re branded for life. (Mostly because melting plastic leaves a lasting scar.)

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 November 22
        Windrose permalink

        The only Barbie I ever had was very weak in the neck area. I took her to the beach one day. Somewhere floating in the Pacific Ocean is a red haired Barbie head, trying to come back to me.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 November 23

          I still have my favourite Barbie (in a box, under my bed) despite the fact that she’s headless. When “the accident” first occurred, I, the 9 year old budding surgeon, filled her head with hot glue and stuck a pin inside so when her head was replaced on her body it would still swivel. An iffy fix at best. And I’m terrified to think of quick fixes that would’ve happened if I’d gone to med school after all :S

          Adores: 4
  22. 2011 November 22
    Ralph permalink

    You can find well-chewed Barbies at any thrift shop; collecting them is too easy. For a challenge, try finding her discontinued cousins.

    Adores: 2
  23. 2011 November 23
    Windrose permalink

    HamCan, Dave, Ferret, Coffy, wow, I should just keep you guys in the box. We had more comments yesterday than in a very long time. A very, very long time. A very, very, very– Sorry, where was I? Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Dream House!

    Adores: 1

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