YSaC, Vol. 1139: What he need’s a damn good whacking.

2011 December 8

Available Soon Room4Rent Newly Renovated N Decent Size Short Term…..

Iam Renting A Single Room in my Apartment…IAM RENTING FOR ONLY 3-6 MONTHS UNLESS TOLD OTHER WISE…I dont rent to minors teenagers or families meaning mother father and kids. I only rent to single people problem and drama free with no drugs habits or bad ones. If its a couple rent is more and so is security for two people always and the less you have and carry with you the better dont really want or need someone with alot to carry along with them.My privacy is my privacy and your privacy is yours but my things are not included in rent i also dont want someone who is lose with there hands and likes to touch others things and things that dont belong to them i dont touch any ones things so i expect the person i rent too to respect my things and rules.You must also be a pet lover and clean or this aint for you neither and a person who doesnt bring the party home with them my house is not a hang out or a place for squaters or for people to crash thats all a big no no cause i wont accept it or tolerate it and will ask you to leave no leases or commitments at all. If rules are followed and no damages to my house or room the security will be given back in upon you leaving. I ask for proff of income a reference place of employment and last address and some form of id as well with date of birth. MUST BE A ANIMAL LOVER TOO I HAVE A 3 MONTH OLD YORSHIRE TERRIER CHIHUAHUA MIX AND A TURLE AND BUNNY. The room is 13 in a half feet by 8 in a half feet.. It Has A TV, Dresser, And Bed and A Cable Box… The room is private.. I would like a nice CLEAN decent working Responsible FEMALE Preferred or a Male with no bad habits at all, if smoker okay … Iam 420 Friendly Iam gay friendly but iam not gay at all completely straight just dont disrespect……Iam not asking for to much just for a clean person and not a liar that would say one thing and do and say and show another thing and way about them….Iam a very clean person and since you would be living in MY Apartment I Expect you to be CLEAN all around meaning not just your appearance and also since you would live here you must CLEAN i have to be very specific since others i had here claimed where CLEAN but where total SLOBS AND PIGS so please if you Aint CLEAN or want too CLEAN dont answer my ad this aint for you, dont lie to me or yourself…iam looking for a responsible person so if your not and you ever want to leave its okay. …. The room is ready to move in for December 15th, 2011 Or Any Day After That….IAM RENTING FOR 3-6 MONTHS ONLY… NOT LOOKING AT THIS MOMENT OR TIME FOR ANYTHING LONGER THEN THAT UNLESS TOLD OTHER WISE !!.. .. Its Light, Gas, And Basic Cable Included As Well i dont provide internet if u want i can provide for a lil more cost in rent once in a blue you might be able to pick up wi-fi from the neighborhood not all the time though … The rent is $575 a month plus 2 weeks security move in deposit of $285 which would be return upon leaving depending if no damages or any cleaning rules arent broken and complied with , and there will not be or isnt any refunds what so ever of rent money at all and a months notice must be given if leaving if u want security money returned back in full at all other wise then that it wont be. So the whole move in cost comes out to a total of $860 move in cost. I ONLY ACCEPT MONTHLY RENT PAYMENTS NOT WEEKLY NO CHECKS OR MONEY ORDERS ONLY CASH!.. Its located in [location] its near all shops, supermarkets, shopping areas…, 24 hr stores and 24HR laudramats, near ALL, and subways ########### Station IS A Block AWAY , ACROSS FROM ########## MEDICAL CENTER (HOSPITAL), and ######## Station 3 Blocks Away and can take you to ######### in 31 minutes only or less and its ONLY LIKE 18 minutes to the ####### street stop EITHER DIRECTION ON EITHER TRAIN!!!, And the neighborhood is a good one and a decent and safe one…The room is only for ONE person meaning the person i rent to i allow visitors till certain times on certain days weekends a little later but thats all no one staying here but the one i rent to ONLY… The person would be my room mate so respect is what i expect…. iam not loud or want that or need it in my apartment or the building i live in… Iam a very good person to get along with no worries from me i just hope you wont give me any or trouble because i dont stand for that or tolerate it in my house AT ALL!!….. If your interested you can reach me at ###-###-#### Or ###-###-#### (Cell) Or ###-###-####….. leave a message if no answer with a call back number and name and i’ll get back to you as soon as possible, so we can set up a appointment Ask For Charlie….I Hope To Be Hearing From You … Thank You…… Charlie….. ITS A 3- 6 MONTHS STAY THE MOST UNLESS OTHER WISE.. IF YOU ARE A SLOB OR A PIG SORRY THIS AINT FOR YOU AT ALL DONT ANSWER MY AD!! IAM VERY MUCH A CLEAN PERSON AND EXPECT THE PERSON IAM RENTING TOO TO BE AS WELL … CALL FROM 11:30AM TILL 11:30PM…. WORKING CLEAN PERSON A BIG MUST!… THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND A BLESSED NEW YEAR TO ALL… Charlie…

Wow. Does anyone besides me want to go rent a room from this guy for the express purpose of releasing an actual pig into the apartment? Preferably one who has guests over late at night, rarely showers, and expects to rent the room for eight months.

Thanks Shelly!

46 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 December 8

    Iam not asking for to much

    No, not at all. Why would anyone think you were?

    Adores: 14
  2. 2011 December 8
    Cindy B. permalink

    “Iam a very good person to get along with no worries from me”

    Yeah, I suppose he’s right, as long as his new roommate is a chair or a light bulb or perhaps an envelope.

    Adores: 16
    • 2011 December 8

      Sparky is gay-friendly and wants a roommate who basically does nothing but sit quietly in one place …

      Sounds like we finally found a new owner for Mike the gay betta.

      Adores: 23
      • 2011 December 8
        valarie permalink

        Mike has no proof of id, but he does have proof of ego, and super-ego too! And I LOVE bunnies. More hasenpfeffer, anyone?

        Adores: 9
      • 2011 December 8
        Cindy B. permalink

        Awww, you’re right! It’s a match made in…. Well, it’s a match, anyway.

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 December 8
          Lola permalink

          A burnt one, most likely.

          Adores: 3
  3. 2011 December 8


    Adores: 12
  4. 2011 December 8

    My brain… it melted… *twitch*

    Adores: 3
  5. 2011 December 8
    LimeLolly permalink

    Time for a little Coasters:

    Fe-fe, fi-fi, fo-fo, fum
    I smell 420 smoke in the single room

    Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown
    He wants no clown, that Charlie Brown
    He’s gonna throw the pig out
    Just you wait and see….

    Why is everybody always lying to me?

    *Sorry, I woke up with that ear-worm. It’s a little scary.

    Adores: 9
  6. 2011 December 8
    Windrose permalink

    Hidden in this ad is Charlie’s hope that two hot lesbians will rent the room and not notice the hidden camera in the cable box. Sigh.

    Adores: 13
    • 2011 December 8
      Cindy B. permalink

      He’d have to make an exception on the “no couples” rule in that case. I’m not sure Sparky is flexible enough for that.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 December 8
        Windrose permalink

        “If its a couple rent is more and so is security for two people always”

        If it means he can charge more rent, apparently he’s good with that. 8)

        Adores: 2
  7. 2011 December 8



    Hi, I’m here about the room for rent…

    Don’t step on the rug! I don’t like people touching my things!

    But how am I supposed to see the room?

    Go outside and up the fire escape, I’ll open the window for you.

    :several minutes later:

    Okay, this isn’t so bad.

    Don’t touch that – it’s mine!

    But it’s the bed – how am I supposed to sleep without touching the bed?

    There’s room on the fire escape for a sleeping bag.

    … Okay, what about the bathroom?

    You can’t use it, it’s mine. There’s a McDonald’s around the corner.

    … I’ll get back to you.

    Adores: 29
    • 2011 December 9
      penguin permalink

      But can one use pearl-white slim-line push-button digital telephone with automatic last-number redial if one minds the wallpaper?

      (Totally forgot to check in yesterday)

      Adores: 1
  8. 2011 December 8

    Sooooooooieeee, renter, renter, renter!

    Adores: 10
  9. 2011 December 8

    “Bensonmum, come here!”

    “Yes, Mr. Hughes?”

    “Any response to my ad for a renter for THREE TO SIX MONTHS ONLY??”

    “No, sir there hasn—-“

    “Bensonmum, you’re touching..things..again.”

    “Yes, sir, I suppose I am but I must wipe your behind for you, sir. I know how you feel about *things* being dirty.”


    Adores: 5
  10. 2011 December 8
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    Yorkshire terrier bunny turtles,
    13 in a half feet!
    Sparky power!

    Adores: 13
    • 2011 December 8
      CapnMac permalink

      13 in(ches) a (+) half feet (6″) = 19″ x (by) 8 in(ches) a (+) half feet (6″) = 14″

      Ergo, “Charley” is renting a shoe box or a doll house (wonder if Chas is a Tuna?).

      Leaping to the presumption that the putative room is 13′-6″ x 8′-6″, that’s a whopping 114.75 square feet. So, the rent, $575, works out to $5.01/sf, and no mention of use of a bathroom at all. Plenty of empty lease space available (locally) for $2-$3/sf, and at least the one bathroom, and Charlie will not be all “Francis” about “stuff touching” too . . .

      My brain iz having a hurtz

      Adores: 9
    • 2011 December 8
      Windrose permalink

      IF, I cannot adore this enough even if the adores were unlimited. 8)

      Adores: 1
  11. 2011 December 8
    eeee permalink

    Nothing longer than three to six months unless told otherwise. The way he’s phrased it, repeatedly, it sounds like you could come in and maybe do a Jedi hand wave and go, “You will rent this room to me for sixteen years” and that would be a-ok.

    I occasionally think about putting up an ad for a roommate, but I know that if I were honest about what type of stranger-roommate I would feel comfortable renting to*, my ad would look something like this, and I also know that no one in their right mind would be willing to pay solid money with those kind of restrictions/expectations.

    $575 a month to be permitted (maybe) to huddle in fear on their bed? Where is this apartment, Park Avenue?

    *There’s stuff you don’t mind from your friends or lovers or certain family, but when it’s someone you honestly don’t know, the “don’t touch my stuff or make any noise” factor goes up exponentially, I’ve found.

    Adores: 12
    • 2011 December 8
      eeee permalink

      Actually now that I think about it, I bet it’s in the Hollywood area… and the person placing the ad is none other than Charlie “Easy To Get Along With” “Winning” “Don’t Touch My Stuff” “Tiger Blood” Sheen.

      Adores: 15
    • 2011 December 8
      CapnMac permalink

      Well, Charley may be under house arrest, and the ankle bracelet comes off in 3-6 months . . .

      Hmm, now wondering if this is a basement and Charley Mom & Dad are requiring some sort of income flow for the next 90-180 days . . .

      This has got hikikomori written all over it, including the over-passionate, under punctuated, wall of passive-aggressive strictures.

      Adores: 2
  12. 2011 December 8
    F.U. permalink

    Well, at last! Welcome to my world.

    Adores: 9
  13. 2011 December 8
    Rabbit Roulette permalink

    Maybe we could suggest the stuffed Pufferfish from a few days back for a roommate? It *might* be quiet enough to satisfy this guy.

    (That ad keeps bugging me. Puffer-fish have poisonous spines, and it said nothing about them being neutralized.)

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 December 8
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      Rabbit Roulette is the name of my Echo and the Bunnymen cover band.

      Adores: 10
    • 2011 December 8
      CapnMac permalink

      I’m no expert, just a reasonably knowledgeable sort of person. I’m thinking that the freeze-drying that is used to preserve those puffer fish is sufficiently desiccating to make the spines less toxic.
      That, and I’m wanting to remember that the common puffer is more an irritant than a neurotoxic risk (fugu, lionfish and the like being less-common, and not found as taxidermy).

      Adores: 1
  14. 2011 December 8
    mud "" slicker permalink

    I would hate to see the note he left you if the toilet seat was left up and you cooked hossenfeffer for dinner.

    Adores: 3
  15. 2011 December 8

    “Newly Renovated N” is IF’s N’ Sync tribute band.

    Adores: 9
  16. 2011 December 8
    CapnMac permalink


    wall of text on be clean is unclean

    Adores: 2
  17. 2011 December 8
    Fl'amme Appat permalink

    Was there any mention of kitchen or bathroom privileges?

    And unless I missed this I’m really surprised that there wasn’t an explanation about the need for the short term arrangements.

    I think 3-6 months might have been mentioned somewhere in the ad.
    I think 3-6 months might have been mentioned somewhere in the ad.
    I think 3-6 months might have been mentioned somewhere in the ad.
    I think 3-6 months might have been mentioned somewhere in the ad.
    I think 3-6 months might have been mentioned somewhere in the ad.

    Adores: 12
  18. 2011 December 8
    subbie_333 permalink

    > working Responsible FEMALE Preferred or a Male with no bad habits at all

    um, see, i have this bad habit of taking a shower once a day (on average) – ya know, to be CLEAN. But, since water is not included, that makes it difficult to bathe and be CLEAN. hhhmmm such a conundrum. Wait i know! i’ll just be a “working responsible FEMALE Preferred” instead! Anybody got a sharp knife handy? And the name of a good pimp?

    > my house is not a hang out or a place for squaters

    Well damn. After my “surgery” i’ll have to be a squater to use the bathroom – right? Wait! Since water is not included, that means no bathroom, so, i wouldn’t be a squater. Wait – house? What house? You got a house too Charlie?

    > iam not loud or want that or need it in my apartment or the building i live in… Iam a very good person to get along with no worries from me i just hope you wont give me any or trouble because i dont stand for that or tolerate it in my house AT ALL!!…..

    Wait – you ALSO live in a building Charlie?!?!?!? So, let me get this straight. Can’t be loud in your apartment or the building. And no worries or trouble in your house. i need a scorecard to figure out whether i want to rent out the room in either your apartment, house, or, building.

    > The room is private..

    OK, i gotta consult with my imaginary friend Rosemary, cus she may not like that. Ya see, she is a bit of an exhibitionist and doesn’t really like privacy – but she is really CLEAN. And, she isn’t gonna be living with me – just visiting. But, we are great friends – cus i’m a pervert dontcha know.

    > once in a blue you might be able to pick up wi-fi from the neighborhood not all the time though …

    OH! Rosemary LOVES to steal wi-fi – we’ll take the room!

    Adores: 7
  19. 2011 December 8
    CapnMac permalink

    [to Dan (BBUH)]
    Actually, loosing a pig upon Chas here would not be so very messy.
    Not unless he slops the pig and lets a “waller” form.

    Now, if a non-corporeal entity were created, say “The We Can’t Clean a Kitchen Living Trust” that entity could suit Chas to a “T.”
    And, Chuckles included “420 friendly” in the ad.
    So, do you think he’d mind if we stashed these 15 five-gallon pots of, hemp, er, Oregano in the room? They’ll be clean, and not invite friends over after the bar closes . . .

    Adores: 1
  20. 2011 December 8
    Sarah permalink

    After seeing the poster’s name is Charlie, I immediately read the whole rant in the voice of Charlie Day. However, I think Charlie’s character on Always Sunny would WELCOME pigs.

    Adores: 1
  21. 2011 December 8
    Dirty.Dishes permalink

    Wow, I just burned my entire lunch break reading that drivel.
    I think I need a YSaC post screener.


    Adores: 3
  22. 2011 December 8
    Karmyn permalink

    420 friendly, but no drugs? Okay there Sparky.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 December 8

      I’d write ads like that too if I were 420’d out of my mind.

      Adores: 1
  23. 2011 December 8
    Bavec permalink

    I love the clarifications in this add.

    “families meaning mother father and kids”

    “liar that would say one thing and do and say and show another thing and way about them”

    As opposed to those single-person families and liars that tell the truth. It’s almost like saying one has no bad habits except for chronic smoking and frequent drug use.


    Adores: 7
  24. 2011 December 9
    tigprincess permalink

    anyone else thinking it must have been a quiet day in Craigslist for anyone to accept this long (and by long I mean not short but extensive) posting?
    “hey, we’ve space to fill, anyone got anything long?”
    Well Hallo Sparky Charlie

    Adores: 0
  25. 2011 December 9
    Windrose permalink

    Well, Hammy, you made me break my new rule about no one in the box two days running. I hope you’re happy. And Taco, I’m sure Sis learned everything she knows about humor from you, so you should get a half punch for every time she’s in the box. 8) Punchity Punch Punch.

    Good Morning, Good Neighbor Sam!

    Adores: 0
    • 2011 December 9

      I helped raise her on video games and sarcasm.

      It’s kinda surprising that she turned out so well.


      Adores: 1
  26. 2011 December 9

    I suppose with everything else happening here, Chuckster’s actual correct spelling of “chihuahua” got lost in the shuffle. Well I found it impressive.

    Adores: 2
  27. 2011 December 10
    Ellen permalink

    Unless Charlie is a girl, Charlie is lying about being straight. No straight guy would have a purse dog and a bunny, even the turtle is quesionable.
    My thought is that Charlie is a saddly illiterate woman with OCD and commitment problems who will die surrounded by stuffed animals in about 80 years.

    Adores: 1

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