YSaC, Vol. 1163: I can’t believe it’s not … oh, ew.

2012 January 10

Butter fantasy – m4w – 27


Here’s how this is going to work. I have a ridiculous amount of butter, and a spare area carpet. I’m going to melt said butter, douse myself and the carpet with it, and roll myself up in the carpet like some sort of human burrito. Here’s where you come in. You will walk in on me in my burrito. You will be dressed up all sexy like. You then run across the room, jump on top of the burrito, and launch me across the room in butter-soaked ecstasy. You will not help me clean up. You will then leave. You can send me your dry cleaning expenses for any clothes that have been embuttered. This is completely legit. Write back with a pic.

We here at the Cartoon Physics Institute would like to remind you that when shooting across the room after being ejected from your embuttered carpet burrito, be sure that you are wearing a crash helmet to protect your head. Cartoon concussions are serious business; those stars and birds and flattened heads can mask a serious issue. Blowing on your finger to reinflate yourself is only a temporary fix and can easily lead to over-inflation.

The Cartoon Physics Institute — making the impossible adorable since 1928.

 

85 Responses leave one →
  1. 2012 January 10

    Obviously Sparky did not attend the requisite safety orientation before performing this…erm…whatever.

    Repeatedly.

    Adores: 15
  2. 2012 January 10
    LimeLolly permalink

    Paula Deen is sooo wrong. Not everything is better with a lot of butter.

    Adores: 23
    • 2012 January 10

      Five bucks says Sparky will scream “Parkay!” as he shoots across the floor.

      Adores: 19
      • 2012 January 10

        Or maybe linoleum.

        Adores: 6
      • 2012 January 10
        Lola permalink

        Maybe the woman will get extra $$$ if she says it!

        Adores: 4
      • 2012 January 10
        Irregular Fractal permalink

        Probably propagating the proximate posting, proposing payment for a Parkay parkour partner.

        Adores: 17
      • 2012 January 10
        CapnMac permalink

        Uhm, Sparky claims to be 27 (we’ll presume that’s Earth-years of age).

        According to Unc’ Wiki, the “Parkay” commercial ran in 1973, or a dozen years before Spark’s claimed DoB.

        Since I date from when a 49-star flag flew over the US, I remember the Parkay–and Fleishman’s crown, and the “You can’t fool Mother Nature” commercials–all too well.

        Spark’ on the other hand, probably believes that any quantity of butter (or oleomargarine) over one ounce will cause near-instant death from instantaneous atherosclerosis, so, engaging in butyrumphilla is not that much a great risk.

        Adores: 1
        • 2012 January 10
          camille permalink

          Cap’n, my recollection is that the crown was for Imperial Margarine.

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 January 10
          Lola permalink

          The crown was for Imperial, and the Parkay ads ran until at least a couple of years within Sparky’s birth, as I recall. It’s not impossible that his family might have had the phrase as a joke or – even better – he ran across the ads while perusing their Betamax collection.

          Adores: 3
        • 2012 January 10

          I was born in the mid-70s, and I distinctly remember seeing Parkay commercials. Since I lived in Venezuela without a tv until I was about 5, that means at least some US tv market had to be showing those commercials in the 80s.

          Adores: 0
        • 2012 January 10
          CapnMac permalink

          Rats, fickle rememory Murphies me again.
          Imperial is indeed the oleo alleged fit for royalty.

          And, our dear Lola is quite correct, Spark could have seen a Parkay commercial.

          My experience with those of his generation, is that they might, incorrectly, presume the oleo was named for the “free running” activity, parkour. Most lack the “cultural context” that made many (too many) of my generation wonder why an “upscale flooring” (parquet) was named after oleo.

          *stumbles off back to cave of obscure nostalgia*

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 January 10
          funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

          Your reply (and the replies to your reply) has tweaked my nostalgia bone, Cap’n. After I feed the monkey family, I may try to find time to go thru that box my mom sent home with me at Christmas and see what I can see. She said she thinks it has my grade school lunch box and some old pics and books in it.

          Sigh. I heart ye, Cap’n. :)

          Adores: 1
    • 2012 January 10

      *Puts on a blue bonnet*

      Is it better now?

      Adores: 9
      • 2012 January 10
        Lola permalink

        Puppy in Blue Bonnet! D’aaaw!
        Still not petting you, though. Greasy puppy! 8)

        Adores: 10
  3. 2012 January 10

    This guy is toast…

    Adores: 20
    • 2012 January 10
      LimeLolly permalink

      Why? Are you sending an elephant in a sexy outfit?

      Adores: 10
  4. 2012 January 10

    Wylie clicked “submit” and sat back, gazing at his computer screen with a smug smirk. Finally, a fool-proof plan to catch that damn bird.

    Adores: 15
    • 2012 January 10

      Ahhh, yes the old ACME butter connon trick.

      Adores: 8
      • 2012 January 10

        “connon” = a cannon used by a coyote trying to con a bird

        Adores: 3
  5. 2012 January 10

    I’m busy with the Jello-mold guy. Wait your turn.

    Adores: 13
  6. 2012 January 10

    Why did Sparky feel the need to include a diagram with his ad? Did he think that the whole “wrap me in a butter-soaked carpet remnant and stomp on me” thing was so complicated an idea that he needed visual aids?

    Adores: 6
    • 2012 January 10
      funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

      I think the diagram is cute. Plus it looks like he’s an xkcd.com fan.

      Adores: 7
      • 2012 January 10

        Maybe it’s that fact that stick-figure Sparky doesn’t seem to be wearing any clothes during the procedure and looks way to happy about it that is creeping me out.

        Adores: 6
        • 2012 January 10
          Lola permalink

          Hey, at least if it has to be naked, it’s just a stick figure and not any more anatomically detailed.

          Adores: 8
        • 2012 January 10
          funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

          Or *shudder* maybe the drawing is correct and Sparky, along with his good sense, is missing his boy bits and pieces.

          Adores: 7
        • 2012 January 10

          He didn’t use enough butter last time.

          Adores: 16
        • 2012 January 10
          CapnMac permalink

          Ok, I was–happily–evading and avoiding squick until just then . . .

          But, that probably just set a new, ultimate, nadir for “rug burns” . . .

          (Does the Corner have an ICU?)

          Adores: 4
  7. 2012 January 10
    Windrose permalink

    I disagree with Sparktoid’s assurance that this is “completely legit.” For one thing, carpet isn’t known to be particularly slippery. What will probably happen is the fool with end up with a ruptured spleen or appendix or, worse, a hangnail. I’d want a signed waiver of liability before I have to answer police questions about why I jumped on a guy in a butter-soaked carpet.

    Adores: 10
    • 2012 January 10

      I can imagine the discussion with the insurance adjuster.

      “Mr. McSparkcase, can you tell me how you received this injury?”

      “I was wrapped up in a carpet remnant slathered in butter and a stranger jumped on me while wearing a sexy outfit. I don’t understand what went wrong, I had a diagram and everything!”

      “… Okay.” :writes “Injury occurred during lesiure activity” on form:

      Adores: 14
      • 2012 January 10
        CapnMac permalink

        Yeah, right, an insurance adjuster that approves claims . . . should that not begin “Once Upon a Time…”?

        More like “Hmm, butter = natural; carpet = destroyed; EMTs and participants under medical care, Ergo, ‘Natural Disaster, claim denied.’ ”

        Adores: 3
        • 2012 January 10
          Windrose permalink

          Well, Cap’n, it’s probably someone at the hospital helping Sparky with his medical insurance forms. However, they have created new codes for many more detailed incidences. I’ll see if I can find the one for injured while playing naughty games with butter.

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 January 10
          funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

          Windy: It’s probably on the same form that includes happy hamster time incidents.

          Adores: 1
  8. 2012 January 10
    Angel permalink

    I’m wondering how much they consider to be “a ridiculous amount” of butter.

    Adores: 10
    • 2012 January 10
      mud "" slicker permalink

      I’m wondering if they know what that the term “ridiculous” means. I don’t think it means what they think it means.

      Adores: 9
    • 2012 January 10
      LimeLolly permalink

      Enough to make people in Norway jealous?

      Adores: 16
    • 2012 January 10
      CapnMac permalink

      Enough to turn a person into a newt? 1.028e1 duck-weight?
      Oh “honey badger” it!

      Adores: 4
  9. 2012 January 10

    Dear Sparky,

    I bought a bit of butter
    The butter I bought was a bit bitter
    And it made my batter bitter
    But a bit of better butter
    Makes for better batter
    Is your butter bitter or better?

    Sincerely, Betty Botter

    Adores: 10
  10. 2012 January 10
    camille permalink

    I’m pretty sure that if I jumped on a Sparky-in-a-carpet, even a heavily buttered Sparky-in-a-carpet, all that would happen would be that Sparky would say “oof.” In order to gain adequate propulsion, what Sparky needs is a luxury woman, and an extremely luxurious one at that.

    Adores: 10
    • 2012 January 10

      It would depend on how tightly wrapped in his embuttered carpet he was and how much butter he used to overcome the friction as to how luxurious a woman he would need.

      Adores: 4
      • 2012 January 10
        funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

        I bet he has a diagram at home showing the specific spot where the woman needs to strike and at what angle. That diagram in the ad IS pretty impressive, after all.

        Adores: 3
      • 2012 January 10
        camille permalink

        Actually, I think we can say with some certainty that Sparky is not tightly wrapped.

        Adores: 15
        • 2012 January 10
          CapnMac permalink

          Exactly.

          Other than this does appear to be the calculus of the intersection of Hikiomori; fanfic; and Rule 34

          Was scary enough to contemplate a generation of those who “everything I know about sex I learnt from bad free pr0n clips.” Even worse to consider a generation that learned everything they know from the fanfic of that previous group (do not know if the tvtropes people are quite tough enough–yet–to address trope-of-trope).

          Adores: 2
  11. 2012 January 10

    Reminds me of Christmas with my family growing up. The lights, the gifts, the armed butter cannon.

    Ah, memories.

    Adores: 8
    • 2012 January 10

      “Gather ’round kids, it’s time to baste Grandpa!”

      Adores: 12
      • 2012 January 10

        Let’s baste, Grandpa!

        vs.

        Let’s baste Grandpa!

        Adores: 4
        • 2012 January 10
          funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

          Better than “Let’s taste Grandpa”.

          BTW, where is Grampdaddy?

          Adores: 4
        • 2012 January 15

          “Gather round kids” vs. “Gather ’round, kids”!

          Adores: 3
  12. 2012 January 10
    mud "" slicker permalink

    I sure hope his carpet is Stainmaster®.

    As Austin Powers would say, “Oh butter me up and shag me baby.”

    Adores: 7
  13. 2012 January 10

    Is this all part of some elaborate plan by Sparky to catch a roadrunner as it dashes past?

    Adores: 6
  14. 2012 January 10
    funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

    (Opening screen intro with hokey, twangy electric guitar music and disclaimer including skull and crossbones)

    “Hi, I’m Sparky Knoxville, and this…is Dumbass.”

    (jump, schaWING!, splat)

    Adores: 5
  15. 2012 January 10

    Where’s the kaboom?
    There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!

    Adores: 7
    • 2012 January 10

      Or a skull-shattering kablam!

      Adores: 3
      • 2012 January 10
        funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

        Wait for it….

        Adores: 2
  16. 2012 January 10
    Ralph permalink

    Madam: Butter fly from aria rug.

    But it was the best butter….

    Adores: 8
  17. 2012 January 10

    In all seriousness – I can only tolerate so much butter at once. The last time I was baking, the recipe called for probably too much butter (It had been scaled down from an industrial batch) and the dough just reeked of it. My hands were absolutely coated with the stuff as I was pulling it out of the mixer.

    I thought I was going to be sick – the butter smell was just so overpowering. Don’t get me wrong, I like butter as an ingredient or topping as much as the next guy. The bread was delicious. But the idea of being surrounded by this much butter aroma just makes me queasy.

    Not to mention the rest of it.

    Adores: 6
    • 2012 January 10

      You like everything butter smell…

      Adores: 5
      • 2012 January 10
        mud "" slicker permalink

        Thank you, Sensei Yoda.

        *belly rub*

        Adores: 4
  18. 2012 January 10
    funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

    I wonder if Sparky’s experiment will turn out differently if he uses, maybe, margarine? Or oleo? And a comforter rather than a carpet?

    Adores: 3
    • 2012 January 10

      Gunpowder instead of a girl…

      Adores: 9
      • 2012 January 10
        mud "" slicker permalink

        I think boiling oil will work much better.

        Ooh look…I’ve got feathers!!!

        Adores: 3
        • 2012 January 10

          And I’ve got some pine tar left over from last weekend!

          Adores: 4
  19. 2012 January 10
    CapnMac permalink

    Ah, <sigh> would l’beurre de tapis brûlés be too much to wish for?
    To get whichever ‘w4m’ who answers this ad to bring a suitable flagon (or tunne) of brandy and “crepes Suzette” Sparky into a lovely, mind-erasing flan flambé . . .

    ‘Tis a damp, dreary, hard-on-old-arthritic-joints sort of day here in DFW, and not the best one for gentle jape or kindly witticism. (bon mot via email: “Oscar Wilde with PMS or what?”)

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 January 10
      funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

      So what you’re saying is : SPARKY ON FIRE!!

      Adores: 2
  20. 2012 January 10
    Innana permalink

    Butter? I don’t even know her!

    Adores: 7
  21. 2012 January 10
    Perfectly Cromulent Word permalink

    Embuttered

    Adores: 8
  22. 2012 January 10
    jstolk permalink

    Dear lord I picked a good day to start reading this site again!

    Adores: 6
    • 2012 January 10
      Lola permalink

      Please read and comment more often, jstolk!

      Adores: 3
    • 2012 January 10

      J, I wholeheartedly agree. I’ve been gone for a couple months, and this one was awesome.

      Adores: 2
  23. 2012 January 10
    Paul permalink

    I think I just heard Jay Wiseman’s head explode.

    Adores: 3
    • 2012 January 10
      Dan permalink

      Met him. Nice guy.

      Adores: 0
  24. 2012 January 10
    funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

    (o/t, but I’m worried)

    Our logistics supervisor (and in effect our 2nd in command) just came out of a meeting screaming “Shit!”. She never loses her cool. Either we boogered up a contract, or I better just plan on some 60 hour weeks. I’m hoping for number two (I need the moolah).

    Adores: 1
  25. 2012 January 10
    'Beaver' Cleaver permalink

    Gee Wally, that’s an awful lot of butter.
    What’s mom going to say?

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 January 10

      “Ward, did you butter my carpet?”

      Adores: 4
  26. 2012 January 10

    Two things jump to mind here…Kramer buttering up episode of Seinfeld. And Marlon Brando LAST TANGO IN PARIS.

    I think this is Sparky’s inspiration. He’s Fat Marlon and he hopes he gets someone who looks like Maria Schneider. However this is NOT.A.BUTTER.SCENE.

    Adores: 1
  27. 2012 January 10
    funky "eMonkey" monkey permalink

    Bwahahaha! Is anyone else seeing this on the bottom of this page under Tradebacks and Pingbacks?

    YSaC, Vol. 1163: I can’t believe it’s not … oh, ew. | Carpet Cleaning Erie | Erie Carpet Cleaning

    *snort*

    Adores: 4
  28. 2012 January 10

    drmk (BBUY), your commentary on this ad may be my favorite ever.

    Adores: 0
  29. 2012 January 11
    Windrose permalink

    PhantomBanker, as a first timer in the box, here’s your brand new card! After 20 punches you get a free cup of Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Wisconsin!

    Adores: 0
  30. 2012 February 4
    SEMC permalink

    I will get someone to draw this for him. With an elephant. In lingerie. It will happen.

    Adores: 0
  31. 2012 April 21

    I had toughset draw me the final conclusion for this poor man. http://www.furaffinity.net/full/7824372/

    Adores: 1
  32. 2012 June 5
    Lizzi permalink

    I…just….why?

    Adores: 0

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

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