YSaC, Vol. 1168: At least they didn’t want a four door!
Hello, I’m Henry the VIII, by the Grace of God, King of England, France and Ireland, Defender of the Faith and of the Church of England and also of Ireland in Earth Supreme Head, I am, I am.
As many of you may know, I am a Tudor, like my father, Henry VII, and my children, Edward, Mary, and Elizabeth. There really weren’t that many Tudors, compared to, for example, the Plantaganets. However, we are clearly in high demand:
Tudor Needed
Looking for a tudor for my 4th grade son after school a few days a week. He will need help with Math, Social Studies, Science, and Language Arts. He has a hard time grasping the concepts when the teacher explains, so you will need to be able to explain and teach the concepts to his understanding. Tudoring will happen at our home in the Town of ##### mostly Tuesday’s after school and possibly Wednesday’s and Thursday’s. Days will vary depending on work load and my work schedule.
Please contact me asap to schedule an interview.
High School Tudor/ Needed
Tudor / College Student needed to help with homework 3 times a week for 10th grade high school boy.
Please email with contact information
Tudor needed for HS Freshman
I am looking for a Tudor to come to our home 3 to 4 times a week and work with my 14 1/2 year old son. Prefer a upper classman Jr, Sr or a young adult, if you can help with Algebra, Enviromental Science, English. Spanish would be a plus but necessary.
Will pay for travel time to and from as well.
If qualified and interested please contact me. I am out of town this week but will be checking emails and voice mails daily. Would like someone to start either Dec, 15th if possible then starting up again on Jan 4th or just starting January 4th.
See? Everyone wants a Tudor! Order yours today!
(This message brought to you by Tudors for Better Tudoring. This message is not coordinated with any Monarch, their heirs, their successors, and definitely not with Princess Anne.)
Thanks for the posts, James and cer!
Hi, I’m Sparky, and my kids need Tudoring. Actually, so do I. Edward isn’t an upper-classman, and Mary tried to burn the house down when she found out what religion we are, so I’ll call Elizabeth and hope that the third time’s a charm.
There are not enough adores for that Dave.
I don’t know, maybe Sparky shouldn’t count on Elizabeth, I heard she had commitment issues and was a control freak.
Many redheads are like that.
Giving one Supreme Executive Power and a headsman . . .
Make a person wonder if it is better to have a rudely-shaped turnip, or a cunning plan, m’lord . . .
I sense the good Cap’n speaks from a position of experience…
I have a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.
IIIIIIII’mmm ‘Enery the 8th, I yam, I yam.
‘Enery the 8th I yam. I yam.
I got married tudor widow next door.
She’s been married seven times before.
Second verse, same as the first!
If the kids won’t learn, off with their heads!
But I want elebentydor’s.
“Spanish would be a plus but necessary.”
What I’m gathering from ad number three is that Spanish isn’t necessary but it is required. Got it.
“Will pay for travel time to and from as well.”
If they would pay for ‘time travel’ instead of ‘travel time’ they could actually have Henry VIII as their child’s Tudor.
Better go with Mary if it’s Spanish they want. Henry hasn’t been that much into Spanish lately.
And, Henry V would likely be a better role model, if we can pick-and-choose Tudors
Silly Cap’n. Henry V was a Lancastrian, not a Tudor.
And why would the feller’s sexual orientation come up?
Just kidding. Of course I know he was actually a Presbyterian. *rolls eyes* Duh.
Hey, I’m just glad there is a house where I can go Tudoring now. I can break out my corset and dance a Galliard in the royal court.
Is there a mathematical sign for plus but necessary? “+*” maybe.
And then Sparky’s kid shows up to school, railing at Philip of Spain for the affrontery of the thrice-damned Armada. And then the poor wastrel gets sent to the principal’s office.
Okay, Digi, admit it. THIS IS YOU!!!
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Digital-Axis/298540286468
Today’s sinus enema brought to you by…
The lovely little
choohaha…um..chi-chi-hoo-iee…puppy.Brought to you by the cute widdle puppy-wuppy.
Oh, and the menacing overvoice I hear…there is that.
I’m not 100% sure I approve of threats against cute widdle puppies.
The more they widdle, the more you’ll approve of the threat, I’m sure.
Sparky might be better off going with a Stuart. Wasn’t it King James what wrote the Bible or somethin’ like that? I bet HE had a big ol’ brain.
I’m pretty sure he had a Holy Ghost writer.
It’s so easy to see why the kids need this help.
Kid: T-O-M-A-T-O.
Parent:* Smacks kid* You left off the E!
Windy: The lady in the cafeteria at work consistently misspells “potato” and “tomato” on the menu board. She throws the “e” on the end every time: tomatoe soup, baked potatoe. But guess how she spelled the menu item when they were offering the mashed form of potato? You guessed it: “mashed potatos”. Yes!
For the potato/potatoe mix up, I blame Dan Quayle.
Strange coincidence for the day; the chapter I had to read for my History of the English Language class had a section about the letter t being currently replaced, at least vocally, by the letter d.
So, if I call and tell my boss that I can’t come in to work due to an infected dick bite, she can’t fire me?
As Stephen explained, it is mostly a middle of the word phenomenon (and now muppets sing in my head). A similar thing is happening with g and c like in the word significant leading to the common misspelling “signifigant.” I am taking too many language focused classes this semester.
Similarly, the word “as” is being replaced with “like,” as in “…like in the word significant leading to the common misspelling “signifigant.”
Speaking of problematic “g” and “c” sounds, “I fart in your general direction… you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.” I realize that Arthurian times were pre-tudor, but they inspired wonder and Guinevere’s ardor.
Also note the common use of a superfluous “r” sound, as in “Tudor Studorbaker.”
”
You dropped those, Ralph.
“infected dick bite” — Isn’t that just a pregnancy?
Ah, flapping.
Not in Britain: this is an American and possibly Australian development. And re tick/dick: it’s an intervocalic phenomenon, between vowels in the middle of a word, not at the beginning or end.
So I can’t call a tick a dick? I NEVER HAVE ANY FUN ANYMORE!
Oh yeah, I feel a tantrum coming on. The poo’ about to be flung.
Everyone duck! The monkey is a good shot.
Dang skippy!
A Tudor is nice, but what’s even better is a Fordor.
If a Fordor is not enough, just get Mordor.
You can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
Pfffftt. One does not simply huff out of Mordor.
So it’s huff in, walk out, then?
Ol’ Henry probably needed a four-door for those shoulders.
His ass is what I would worry about.
I’d be worried about his donkey too. There is no way a singular animal could handle his weight.
And he had six toes. Three on each foot. 8)
Wasn’t that wife number 2, Anne Boleyn?
Well, in a class on stage costuming, I learned that those stylish wide in the front shoes that Henry wears were to accommodate the extra tootsies. Not sure about Anne.
Might have been a finger with her. That’s what’s coming to mind, but I can’t go look it up.
OT?-So, I clicked on the “Other Sucking”, and there was the post about Cambria-Yorkshire quarts post from last February. It had 151 comments on it! Peppered, saltily, with witty repartee and razor-sharp wit – much of it from the freaky puppy.
Sigh…..I miss those days.
: – (
What a sad reminiscence! I miss leg warmers.
I miss Bell Bottoms! Er, or I would if I were that old. *creak* Pay no attention to the noises my bones are making.
Hey I’m the one with a rotary cell.
You’re actually ahead of the trend, Monkey – the new thing is to use a “retro” style handset that’s plugged into your cell phone. Rotary dialing can’t be far behind.
http://www.catalogs.com/coolpicks/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/retro-phone-handset.jpg
EDIT: It’s already here – they have an app for that.
http://www.iphoneworld.ca/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/snap_010803.png
Far Side
Cracks me up every time.
:tosses all the doors:
Tudors? We’re fresh out of Tudors. Would you like a Windsor?
Nah, Windsors tend to make me bloat and leave a nasty aftertaste in my mouth. Do you have any fresh Wessex?
Normally, yes, sir… only, this week the van broke down.
You can have all the Windsors. We don’t want them anymore.
I’ve got a Henry Cavill that I’m willing to trade for a Natalie Dormer. Ghostie, you interested?
I’ll have to check my inventory, I think I have a spare Natalie laying around somewhere but I’m not sure. I swear I’d lose my head if it wasn’t fastened on tight.
Ooh…I’ll raise you both a Natalie and Henry and throw in an extra Sam Neill for a Jonathan Rhys Meyers.
:checks hand:
Do you have any Tenth Doctors?
I’m sorry ghostie, but I have the tenth doctor under lock and key. I also had the forethought to remove his sonic screwdriver and anything else that might aid his escape, such as clothing.
A tutor who tooted a flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to their tutor,
“Is it harder to toot
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?”
Replace tutor with Tudor wherever you like; I’m feeling lazy today.
Hah, you beat me to it. Was just going to say… a four-door is easier to get in and out of from the back seat…
A tutor who tooted a flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot…
Hey, look; either your kids know how to do coke, or they don’t.
Bah dah dah dah daaahhhhh dah!
Sitting on a park bench,
Eyeing little girls with bad intent…!
Heeyyyyy Aqualung!
You! Sit! Stay! Or at least, come back tomorrow. 8)
Math, Social Studies, Science, and Language Arts… Goodness. Well, at least he’s doing fine in gym.
Seriously, isn’t fourth grade a bit early to hire a tutor? Or deceased royalty, for that matter?
Everyone knows that only good parents would hire that [tudor] while junior is still in utero. You can never start grooming for Yale too soon.
I was wondering about the same thing. Sparky #1 seems to want to hire a tutor to teach their progeny EVERYTHING… again. Somehow, I doubt it’ll work better the second time. There’s a deeper problem with that kid (and Sparky, probably- “Don’t worry, you’re perfect. You just have a bad teacher. I’ll get you a new one. That will fix everything!”)
Because if there’s one thing a kid who isn’t doing well in school wants, it’s to stay sitting and do it all again…
I think this only works out in Adam Sandler movies.
Considering what Henry did to wives who didn’t bear him sons, what might he do to Sparky, jr. If he gets a bad grade? For that matter, what if Sparky, jr. Gets a bad grade AND
fails to bear him a son?
It’s the Tower, for certain!
Congratulations, Digitalaxis, once again! Here’s your Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Lady Jane!
*sniff* I miss you guys so much.
We can hang out on FB! Cheer up, little monkey!
Is it bad form to have today’s party here in yesterday? (My comments above were just catching up since I didn’t get a chance to check in yesterday.)
I think we’re okay as long as we don’t post something funny.
(Psst! Did Taco write this post? You got a little “hnery” on your face there :-p)
Dan is the Taco of our family.
@Kelli (sorry, can’t reply directly to comments on my phone), do you have a link to those articles on d/t and c/g? I’m super interested.