YSaC, Vol 1198: The goats have been got.

2012 February 29

In the grand tradition of There Are No Monkeys!!, we bring you:

GOATS SOLD!!


ALL GOATS HAVE BEEN SOLD!!!! THANKS TO ALL

I was thinking about buying a goat. However, I guess I can’t now. They’ve all been sold. This is somehow reminiscent of the Monty Python “Cheese Shop” sketch. Except with goats. Which have all been sold. Thanks to all.

Wait – is he thanking the GOATS? I’m not even sure. All I know is that someone has now, in a turn-of-the-last-century robber baron sort of way, cornered the ENTIRE market on goats. Next, they’ll be attempting vertical integration! I sort of remember vertical integration from high school history class. That means they’ll be buying all the OTHER industries that also involve goats.

Like, er….

OK, I have no idea. Vast chevre mills, employing child labor in unsafe conditions? By the rule of three, I should put two more increasingly improbable references to goat-related industries here, but I’ve got nothing. Maybe we can get the goats to manufacture semiconductors or something.

Thanks for the link, William!

93 Responses leave one →
  1. 2012 February 29

    Well damn…I guess the Men Who Stare at Goats will have to find other jobs now.

    Perhaps there’s an opening at the Guys Who Ogle Turtles division.

    Adores: 9
  2. 2012 February 29

    Yes, we have no Caprinae.
    We have no Caprinae today.

    Adores: 9
  3. 2012 February 29
    valarie permalink

    FOR ALL YOUR HIRCINE NEEDS, CHECK BACK SOON!!!

    Adores: 7
  4. 2012 February 29

    This really gets my…

    No. You know what? Too easy. Not gonna say it.

    Adores: 10
    • 2012 February 29
      Windrose permalink

      Panties in a bunch?

      Dander up?

      Trefoil in a square?

      Adores: 10
      • 2012 February 29
        mud "" slicker permalink

        I was channeling Steppenwolf and was gonna say:

        Motor running.

        Adores: 6
    • 2012 February 29

      Attention?

      Seal of approval?

      Vote?

      Bar tab?

      Mojo working?

      Adores: 7
      • 2012 February 29
        Kaziganthi permalink

        Did someone say ‘seal of approval’?

        (okay he’s really a sea lion, but the seals are in the next tank over)

        Adores: 4
    • 2012 February 29
      funky "ducky" monkey permalink

      Banana bent?

      Cookie crusty?

      Pecil polished?

      Adores: 5
    • 2012 February 29
      One Moving Violation permalink

      Nanny spanking my fanny?

      Adores: 1
      • 2012 February 29
        valarie permalink

        Corner!

        Adores: 4
        • 2012 February 29
          One Moving Violation permalink

          Aawww.

          *casts eyes toward floor*
          *eyes bounce a couple of times then begin rolling*
          *eyes spot someone wearing a skirt*
          Woohoo!
          *eyes speed up*
          *eyes skreech to a halt*
          *eyes look up*
          AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! That’s a kilt!
          *eyes jump up and down on pupils to remove image*
          AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH !!! !!!
          *eyes turn red, begin to tear up*
          Bag….pipe…..I did NOT need to see that!
          Sorry Capn!
          *eyes roll away leaving two little wet trails on the floor*

          Mrs. V: One! you put your eyes back in your head this instant! I”m sorry everyone. I don’t know what’s come over him. He’s usually such a good boy. Now apologise to the nice man.

          *puts eyes back in head*
          *goes to closet to get mop*

          Sorry CapnMac, won’t happen again.

          *casts eyes toward floor*

          *eyes bounce….*

          Adores: 8
        • 2012 February 29
          One Moving Violation permalink

          At least I didn’t say Funky spanking my OUCH! Hey, that really hurt!

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 February 29
          funky "ducky" monkey permalink

          Hey hey HEY! Just HOW did the Monkey get dragged into some S&M?! What the fur?

          Adores: 5
        • 2012 February 29

          OMV types a lot like I do when I forget to have my morning coffee.

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 February 29
          One Moving Violation permalink

          No fm, that was not payback. I don’t have a vengeful bone in my body.

          Adores: 1
      • 2012 February 29
        Tankerbell permalink

        One, that was a thing of beauty.
        *dismantles house, gives all doors to One

        Adores: 2
        • 2012 February 29
          CapnMac permalink

          [wall of fixed mangled Erse and Scot’s English, rendered “in the brogue” with condemnations to the worst Corners of ish and [location]–but set aside as the only people likely to read this will be in the future, either from being on the other side of the International Date line; or in a Redux; just one more product of having commuted a mere 186 miles this week so far]

          Adores: 4
    • 2012 February 29
      Bianchi Sound permalink

      Sharona?

      Adores: 7
      • 2012 February 29
        mud "" slicker permalink

        Muh muh muh muh myyyyyy Sharona…

        Thanks for the wormy ear….

        Adores: 3
        • 2012 February 29
          CapnMac permalink

          If a person has to be in Stillwater, OK, there are worse places to spend a week one night than the (in)famous Wormy Dog Saloon.

          Adores: 1
  5. 2012 February 29

    It is as it has been fortold – the great Goatpocalypse has begun!

    Adores: 4
    • 2012 February 29
      valarie permalink

      It was only a matter of time before that troll under the bridge tricked those Billy Goats Gruff.

      Adores: 5
    • 2012 February 29

      It was the Great Goat Rapture (Charlie Brown!) and apparently all goats go to heaven.

      Adores: 2
    • 2012 February 29

      Why so negative? How about a Goatapalooza? With everybody’s favorite malnourished crackhead Kid Rock?

      Adores: 1
  6. 2012 February 29
    Angel permalink

    “Doctor, Doctor I feel like a goat.”
    “How long have you felt like that?”
    “Since I was a kid.”

    Why is it hard to have a conversation with a goat??
    Because the goat always butts in.

    What is a doe goat’s favorite television show?
    The Nanny

    rimshot

    Adores: 12
    • 2012 February 29
      Windrose permalink

      Angel, you better hoof it out of here in case anyone herd that.

      Adores: 4
    • 2012 February 29
      Meej permalink

      Ooh… those were baaaah-aaah-aaah-d.

      🙂

      Adores: 6
    • 2012 February 29
      Rabbit Roulette permalink

      I don’t know wether I can take all these puns. They really get my gruff.

      Adores: 3
    • 2012 February 29
      Kaziganthi permalink

      Oooooh, the punishment has begun.

      rimshot – at least it’s not a rimjo…
      *Ow, corner*

      eeewww, are those eyeballs rolling around the floor?

      *casts eyes toward wall*

      * eyes bounce…*

      Adores: 4
    • 2012 February 29
      Brer Fox permalink

      I don’t stand a goat of a chance to outpun anyone.

      Adores: 1
      • 2012 February 29
        Windrose permalink

        That’s why you need to show up on the weekends when the crowd is thinner. Well, there are fewer of us, I should say.

        Adores: 1
  7. 2012 February 29
    camille permalink

    I suppose this also means that the Cheese Shop is fresh out of goat cheese.

    Adores: 3
    • 2012 February 29
      Windrose permalink

      We have some, but it’s a bit runny.

      Adores: 3
      • 2012 February 29
        Angel permalink

        I don’t care how runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

        Adores: 3
        • 2012 February 29
          Windrose permalink

          Oh! The cat’s got it. Sorry.

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 February 29

          :hides chèvre:

          I do not!

          Adores: 4
        • 2012 February 29

          Well, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to shoot you.

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 February 29
          CapnMac permalink

          Tragic waste; but Society’s to blame!

          Adores: 1
  8. 2012 February 29

    *Looks around shiftily*

    Any of you people want to buy a goat? It’s good, prime stuff. You can’t get these anymore. Not unless you have connections.

    No man, strictly legitimate.

    Hey, all our goats have their BINs filed off so they can’t be resold back to us later. Like how bookshops cut the first page. It’s totally something normal.

    Adores: 8
    • 2012 February 29
      funky "ducky" monkey permalink

      I’ll bite. So what does the “B” in BIN stand for? Beast Identification Number? Buttock? Bubba? Biscuit?

      Adores: 2
  9. 2012 February 29
    camille permalink

    Also, Dan’s discussion of vertical integration of goats is putting a whole Yertle-the-Turtle image of a tower of goats in my mind. Fortunately, they’re Dr. Seuss goats, so they’re cute.

    Adores: 13
    • 2012 February 29
      Kaziganthi permalink

      A Tower of Seussian Goats! I love it! Here’s some doors for your tower!

      Adores: 3
      • 2012 February 29
        CapnMac permalink

        Um, as in
        ⌠(º) x ≈ √tuna kibbleⁿ -> 1eÿ + Ω ÷ hairball/tin can -> CH4
        (∞)⌡
        ?

        Adores: 1
  10. 2012 February 29
    penguin permalink

    Goats were sold to a cabrito mill.

    Adores: 1
  11. 2012 February 29
    penguin permalink

    Child is studying the Industrial Revolution and we have been discussing mills/factories, child-labor, etc. I have been looking out for examples/references to show her. I think I will pass on showing her this “example”.

    Adores: 2
  12. 2012 February 29
    Ralph permalink

    Gone, but not forgoaten. The rumor is they went to a winery; I herd it through the grapevine.

    Adores: 4
  13. 2012 February 29
    PrincessLuceval permalink

    Aw, darn it. I was thinking of making a painted goat-hoof coat rack.

    Adores: 2
  14. 2012 February 29
    MandaB permalink

    Of course there are no goats! Everyone knows goats aren’t real, just like goblins or sanity clause.

    Adores: 6
    • 2012 February 29
      Windrose permalink

      Just fig newtons of our imaginations? Or a conspiracy of goatherds?

      Adores: 1
  15. 2012 February 29
    Kaziganthi permalink

    Get yer headlines here!
    All Goats have been sold!!
    Read all about it!
    New company is renting goats by the hour!
    Goat rentals have skyrocketed!

    Adores: 7
    • 2012 February 29
      Tankerbell permalink

      You really can rent goats here. It’s a green alternative to using gas power to clear land. Or napalm.

      Adores: 3
      • 2012 February 29

        I’ve heard of something similar ’round here. Supposedly it’s the best way to keep your kudzu under control.

        Adores: 3
    • 2012 February 29
      SpaceBug permalink

      Grandiose Goat Grab Grips Gaffersville, Georgia
      A greedy goatfarmer gains gall and grifts goats to gouge the public in a gigantic goat graft.
      While grazing groups of goats in a green, gradiated gorge on grapevine and grain, a groggy Greg Gruber gurgled “you guys are gullible I guess”.
      Growling gravely, a local granny was goaded to gibberish.
      “Great galloping gerberts” groaned little Granny Annie, and then gabbing gleefully, the ornery orphaned giddy granny gradually gave her telling tale of the great goose gaffe.
      “I remembers it was about the same time that the graduation gala at the Galleon Gallery on groundhog day had gone awry. That ghastly girl’s gonorrheic grandaddy got glandless, grungy geese for grist, you know the geezer, that ghoul that grouted Griffon’s geyser with gruel? Geez, after gleaning grimy gourds, her gherkin gnawing, grubby, graffiti riddled relative ground goslings to grease”.
      Generally, gobby gross goose grease gums gears”.

      In other news, grieving Gertie gifts gargantuan glistening garish gravy bowels.
      Film at eleven.

      Adores: 6
  16. 2012 February 29
    LimeLolly permalink

    Somebody got my goat!

    That makes me angry.

    Adores: 6
    • 2012 February 29

      You should check out my goat store, we might have something that’s very similar to it in stock.

      Adores: 1
      • 2012 February 29
        Kaziganthi permalink

        Goats, goats everywhere there’s goats
        Eating up the scenery, blowing my mind

        And the troll said ‘long-haired billy goats need not apply’
        So I tucked my hair up into my horns and went in to ask him why
        He said ‘you look like a fine upstanding young goat’
        and I let down my hair and said ‘ Imagine that, me crossing your bridge!’

        Goats, goats everywhere there’s goats

        with apologies to Les Emmerson, Five Man Electrical Band, & Tesla

        Adores: 6
        • 2012 February 29
          Kaziganthi permalink

          okay, after ‘blowin my mind’ should be the following line:
          Eat this, chew that, go-oats

          And I missed the ‘Yes, you do’ after ‘fine upstanding young goat’

          Adores: 2
  17. 2012 February 29

    Storytime!!

    Yes, this is true.

    For years upon years my stepdad would randomly ask my stepsister, Mom and I if we had seen his goat.

    Over dinner, “Pass the potatoes, please. And have any of you seen my goat?”

    Driving – “Look! Over there! In the field..is that…is that my goat?”

    On the boat – “Do you think my goat might be out here somewhere?”

    His ‘goat’ had a name – Eldessie – and he was forever looking for it. But the most embarrassing time was my first date…ever.

    My date was chatting with my mom and stepdad as I finished getting ready. Stepdad put a hand on date’s shoulder and in all seriousness said, “Son, I just want you to keep an eye out for my goat tonight. I’ve been looking for it.”

    Date was, understandably, speechless.

    Fortunately, for me, he was also amused as ‘date’ became ‘husband’ a few years later.

    As for the goat, well Stepdad never did find it so one year for his birthday we gave him one.

    Not a real goat, we lived in a townhouse in the city and farm animals were frowned upon, no we gave him a small goat toy.

    He still has it and now it sits on the nightstand by his bed.

    Eldessie has finally come home.

    /end storytime

    Adores: 20
    • 2012 February 29
      Bombdude permalink

      But you never found out the origin of *his* goat?

      Adores: 2
  18. 2012 February 29
    Brer Fox permalink

    “GOATS SOLD!!”

    Darn! so NOW what am I going to do.

    Adores: 2
    • 2012 February 29
      Kaziganthi permalink

      I was gonna ask how darning would help but after what Taco M, I mean Tasty S, showed us, I guess you could darn a goat.

      Adores: 1
  19. 2012 February 29

    Stacked up quite high is the modular goatherd,
    Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo!
    Can’t buy no more said the modular goatherd,
    Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo.

    Adores: 9
  20. 2012 February 29
    Not-a-[censored] Lion permalink

    point 1: Umm, those aren’t goats.
    point 2: It doesn’t matter that you sold them.
    point 3: Your “THANKS TO ALL” is a sure indicator of good ettiquette. It’s right up there with “KISS MY FURRY BUTT”.
    point 4: So that’s all of them, huh? So there’s no way for me to get your goat?

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 February 29
      FurryButt permalink

      ALL YOUR GOAT ARE BELONG TO US.

      Adores: 5
  21. 2012 February 29
    valarie permalink

    All’s I know is, now that I’ve shaved these goats, who will knit me a cashmire sweater?

    Adores: 4
    • 2012 February 29
      mud "" slicker permalink

      “Not I” said the Little Red Hen….

      Adores: 3
      • 2012 February 29
        valarie permalink

        So I guess I’m stuck with nekkid goats and a big bag of hair.
        *sigh*

        Adores: 6
        • 2012 February 29
          valarie permalink

          As usual.

          Adores: 8
        • 2012 February 29
          mud "" slicker permalink

          I know a couple of couches you can spread the bag of hair around on.

          And Nekkid Goats is IF’s Billy Goat Idol acoustical cover band.

          Adores: 3
    • 2012 February 29
      funky "ducky" monkey permalink

      *snort* “Shaved goats.” Heh he heh.

      Adores: 4
  22. 2012 February 29
    One Moving Violation permalink

    Gofat

    Adores: 2
    • 2012 February 29
      funky "ducky" monkey permalink

      GoooooooFISH!

      Adores: 2
    • 2012 February 29
      Brer Fox permalink

      Um, that’s an “f” in goat.

      Adores: 2
  23. 2012 February 29
    funky "ducky" monkey permalink

    Just an observation: Should a picture of Astro be in a box that says “Other Sucking You Might Like”? He is a minor, you know. I wouldn’t want us to lose sponsors. Nor bring down the wrath of some church group.

    Adores: 3
    • 2012 February 29

      I show up there a lot too. Take that as you will.

      Err… bad phrasing.

      Adores: 4
    • 2012 February 29
      Angel permalink

      Today should have a picture of a chupacabra, with the tagline “Other goat-sucking you might like.”

      Adores: 11
  24. 2012 February 29
    Mr. Tumnus permalink

    The rumors that I have fallen on hard times and have been selling myself on Craigslist are entirely false! False, I tell you! No doubt spread by that ungrateful arse, the beaver. Little bucktoothed bastard still owes me five quid, too.

    Adores: 13
  25. 2012 February 29
    Digitalaxis permalink

    I admire the simplicity and elegance of the message, but the stark postmodernism of the piece is really so simplistic that the Craigslist subject header ruins the entire thing. We don’t need to be told twice what happened, any more than we need to be told the identity of the persons to whom “all” refer. Such complications and repetitions are wholly out of context, and detract from the milieu.

    Adores: 6
  26. 2012 March 1
    One Moving Violation permalink

    *sweeps and mops floor*

    Another day,
    and I think I may remember.
    I was aloooone.
    washing all the dishes,
    sweeping up the floor.
    I was tired and didn’t do much more.

    This is a crock, I’m not a lyyyin”

    I look at posts,
    and I read up all the comments.
    Someone sold all of thier goats.
    I should go and find them,
    I wonder where they are.
    I hope that I won’t have to travel far.

    I am a croc, I’m not a liiion.

    I need some help,
    maybe Ali Gator.
    She knows how to sniff them out.
    I hope she can help me,
    help me on my quest.
    If we don’t find them , I may never rest.

    I am a croc, I’m not a liiiiion.

    I have my peeeps,
    and my gator friend to help me.
    We log onto Craigslist, We peruse all these posts.
    We’re looking just to buy a couple goats.

    I am a croc, I’m not a liiion.

    And a lion has a mane,
    and a crocodile never cries.

    * finishes with floors*
    * installs new coffee slicer*
    * puts coffee loaves in oven*
    * puts out platter of choco-patties*

    Adores: 1
  27. 2012 March 1
    One Moving Violation permalink

    * washes dishes*
    *writes anonymous note*
    Hope everyone enjoys the mocha sammiches.

    If grammar gives you trouble,
    if spelling gives you bees.
    Remember, Llamanun is here.
    with coffe mugs and Ts.

    *sneaks out back door*

    Adores: 1
  28. 2012 March 1

    One, you honor us with your presence, and all we have for you is a Punchity Punch Punch!

    (I hope this is in the right place)

    Good Morning, Goat Connection!

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 March 1
      One Moving Violation permalink

      You are to kind.

      Adores: 0

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