YSaC, Vol. 1205: I’m voting them all off the island immediately.
All right, everyone – are your minds out of the gutter? They are? Well, we can fix that:
Erotic Writer Needed
Looking for someone to write an erotic short story including the following celebrities:
Hugh Jackman
Harry Potter
Matt Damon
Selena Gomez
Miley Cyrus’s Little Brother
Diego from Go, Diego, Go
Sandra Bollock
Molly Ringwald
Meredith VieraPick any three of these celebrities and two fictional characters of your own choosing.
This story will not be published.
I’m not at ALL busy these days, and I could use a little extra cash. I’ll get right on this.
OK, first, I’ll need two fictional characters. Let’s see – how about Harry Potter and the kid from “Go Diego Go?” Oh, wait, apparently those are celebrities, not fictional characters. Plus… ew.
All right, now I have to pick three of these celebrities. Well – never mind the Bollock. That leaves Wolverine, Jason Bourne, Alex Russo, Boy #2 (uncredited), Claire Standish, and “herself.” Oh, wait – those are fictional characters. Or maybe fictional celebrities.
I’m so confused. I’m going to go back to working on my Yeats / Gregor Samsa slash furry epic instead.
Post Submitter #3 in Park: Clarissa
*gets as far as “Hugh Jackman* and gets lost on her own version of ‘Fantasy Island’*
*hours later…..*
Wha….?
I’m so with you on that. I’m a tad confused about Molly Ringwald. She really has let herself go. And I know…I should be more confused about Diego, but I’ve learned to be selective in the realms of what confuses me in these posts.
Well, Diego does already have a tag line for erotica. I don’t get Miley’s little brother.
*hours later….*
hours?
really?
no wonder i can never get no second date no more
i haz a sad
…and an amazements
Googles, Hugh Bollock Gomez porn…My work here is done.
I can’t believe someone finally found a Sparky who is too stupid to find porn on the Internet.
I would actually be interested in taking him up on this offer, as I’ve written some… naughty things in my time. Except he neglects to mention how much payment would be. That’s always a bad sign. To say nothing of the inclusion of a minor and an animated monkey.
I don’t see a monkey on Sparky’s list, but I guess you could add one if you wanted to. Everything’s better with monkeys.
Damn skippy everthing’s better with monkeys!
Careful! It’s already fur flinging Friday! Let’s not get anything else airborne!
Windy’s right! Respect the monkey! RESPECT IT!!!
My mistake, I thought Diego was a monkey. Guess I need to brush up on my preschool TV.
[Captain Subtext] I have a thing for the following celebrities and fictional characters, but I am so challenged in the imagination department that I am going to ask strangers on Craigslist to come up with a fantasy for me. [/Captain Subtext]
Oh, and with regard to some of those entries on your list, please don’t have children.
Not only that, but they’re not charismatic enough to persuade a fanfic writer to do it for them for free. It’s not like there’s a shortage of celebrity crossover porno fics.
Technically Harry Potter is only a celebrity in the wizarding world. No one in muggle society has ever heard of him.
Yeah, and if you’re going to go wizard, why not Gandalf?
“Frodo, climb under my robe”
(just put my bowl in the corner, tap in the coffee-flavored flakes. Thank you)
“One Porno to include them all
One film to star them
One bit of naughtiness to exploit them all
And with cuffs and straps to bind them”* **
*read it in a deep voice and British accent
**while holding a large staff***
*** Snort. I said staff. Heh.
http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/
Just in case any of you never had the opportunity to read these.
Tasty Taco, you owe the State of Washington one new monitor.
*note to self: call someone a “poncy tosser” ASAP
Time for a rousing chorus of “A Wizard’s Staff has a Knob on the End”.
Short story, eh? Here goes.
Hugh Jackman, Diego, and Molly Ringwold had sex. Curious George and Peewee Herman held the cameras. The end.
Wait, I’m not getting money for this?
I’d read it.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my squirrel costume.
Cockroach slashfic: possibly the only type that could make furry slash (hee hee, I said “furry slash”) seem sweet and, er, cuddly.
Wait, what?
I think I’d pay to see this porn read in a squirrel costume. I’m saying this with hesitance, of course. So much could go wrong.
“Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to find that he’d been sewn into a giant chipmunk outfit.”
Naw, too good.
There is not any porno.
We do not have it here.
Your guidelines got us so squicked out,
We ran away in fear.
*Challenge accepted*
It was a [adjective] and [adjective] day at the Bullock residence. The place was decorated tastefully for the party. Sandra smiled as she thought about the revenge she would have on that Ringwald [censored]. She thought back to the time Molly [verb]ed and [verb]ed her jelly doughnuts. As the guests arrived, she had them remove their [noun]s. She put on some [genre] music. This put Hugh Jackman in the mood for [verb]ing. Selena walked over to Jack and said. “Hey [adjective] [noun], mind if I [verb] you?” Jack and Selena went up the stairs to [censored] a [noun] of [noun]. “Wow, look at all of these costumes in here.” said Jack when he opened the closet. Selena pulled out a Tinkerbell costume and Jack put on a Perry the platypus costume. “I always wanted to [edited for content] a fairy”, said Jack [adverb]. “And I always wanted to be [edited for content] by a venomous duck” Selena cooed as she opened her [bleep] and [bleep]ed his [bleep]ing [censored].
Meanwhile, back downstairs, Molly showed up late. Sandra said, “Hey Molly!” then proceeded to shove a jelly doughnut into Molly’s [noun].
fin
Edited: monkey, now its better.
Ooh, it’s like Mad Libs!
My favorite part.
Perry the platypus is my fav. Love me some Phineas and Ferb.
One day, Ricky the magic Pixie went to visit Daisy Bumble in her Tumbledown Cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he grabbed her heavy shoulders. pulling her down on the bed and ripping off her–
Oh, you don’t want a children’s story? Darn, now I have to start over.
Naked? …With a melon? (turns book sideways) …Oh, sorry.
Won’t you squeeze my melon ’til …
On second thought, don’t. I’ll just go back to the corner.
mudsy you so deserve your day in the baux, formerly known as the Golden Lotus. 8) Enjoy!
If the baux is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’….!
😀
Want to borrow the squirrel suit?
If Sparky had included Johnny Depp in that list, then I might consider it.
Hugh Jackman and Johnny Depp? I’ll be over in my own corner. Just toss me a coffee slice once in a while and ignore any strange sounds.
You could choose one of his fictional characters… Just imagine the kind of epic hijinks/buddy-flick moments/raging homoerotic battles Wolverine and Captain Jack would get into.
I know I am.
And now I’m picturing a completely different Captain Jack.
Which Captain Jack are you thinking of? Sparrow, or Harkness?
On a side note, I’ll be lurking today. Don’t want to go to the corner, and have nothing funny to say.
Harkness.
I was thinking of this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8fgYXiZmAU&feature=related
You made me watch that whole thing. Kudos, and shame on you as well.
Mostly the shame part, though.
This was always a favorite:
http://www.stolaf.edu/people/hend/songs/CaptainJackAndTheMermaid.html
No offense, but fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I’m not clicking that.
A movie featuring raging hemorrhoids is way different than on with raging homoerotic battles.
Both would be fun, but in different ways.
There’s no furries in the list. So forget it.
*makes owm list*
Lola Bunny
Minnie Mouse
Gadget Hackwrench
Rebecca Cunningham
Slappy Squirrel
Dot
Mrs. Brisby
Sabrina Online
Yeah, this is my fantasy, No other guys.
I’m adding Crusader Rabbit to your list!
Well, okay. Just no Happy Tree Freinds. That’s a whole nother fantasy.
*sneaks Alan Greenspan onto Brer’s list, sits back to watch hyjinks ensue
Really? You count someone as a celebrity because he’s the younger sibling of a celebrity; such a nonentity that you don’t even know his name? Whoa. Suddenly the enduring interest in those Kardashians make a lot more sense.*
*in terms of how, not why. I will never understand why.
I am sooooooo with you on this one, sister.
@ Sparky putting minors in list.
Why? Because we loath you.
Y U S O B!
Before posting this ad, Bullwinkle says:
Hey Rocky, watch me pull some pron outta some asshat.
Rocky: But that trick never works!
One morning, as Gregor Samsa was waking up from erotic dreams, he discovered that in his bed he had been changed into a monstrous verminous bug that was also sexually aroused.
Just what Kafka has always needed, a little sex and violence thrown in with his existentialism. Now he’s a regular John Grisham.
There’s nothing wrong with this ad except for the typos:
Hugh Jackman was supposed to read “Huge Jack, Man”,
Harry Potter was “Hairy’s Slutter”,
and Diego was mis-identified. He actually is from “Come, Diego, Come”
I could do this and use enough complicated words to send Sparky for the dictionary. That would be a great way to make it ineffective. Sadly Sparky has not offered any recompense, so he’s on his own.
Wow, I’m totally remiss in my duties! I hope drmk won’t dock my pay!
Mudsy, Punchity Punch Punch and so on.
Good Day, F Street!