YSaC, Vol. 1236: Can you picture that?

2012 April 23

Collecting Wizard Pictures


Hello, please. I am an amateur collector of wizard pictures. I use them for a variety of purposes, including websites and learning. So far my collection of wizard pictures is pretty good, but I have some very high aspirations for my collection of wizard pictures and was hoping you could help me with my collection of wizard pictures.

In short, please send me your wizard pictures!

I must say that I prefer if the pictures are of real wizards, either living or dead is fine, as long as the picture was taken of the wizard when the wizard was still alive. You can also send me pictures of not real wizards, but they will not make me as happy as pictures of real wizards. Also acceptable are sorcerers, warlocks, magicians, enchanters, mages. Medicine man is also fine.

I cannot offer you monetary compensation but would be delighted to engage you in a quid pro quo exchange and send you one of my wizard pictures in return (I have some very good ones).

It’s tough being an amateur collector of wizard pictures. You’ve got compete with all those professional wizard picture collectors out there, scooping up all the good wizard pictures before you can get in there yourself and buy the wizard pictures. Sometimes you have to settle for wizard pictures of dead wizards who were alive when the wizard picture was taken, and sometimes you don’t even get that, and the wizard picture of the dead wizard was taken after the wizard pictured was dead.

OK, this test of how many times I can type the phrase “wizard picture” before it stops sounding like English seems to have been successful. Looks like about eight.

Thanks for a great first submission, Lumi!

86 Responses leave one →
  1. 2012 April 23
    CapnMac permalink

    <jedi mind trick> These are not the pictures you are looking for. Move along now. </jedi mind trick>

    Adores: 4
  2. 2012 April 23
    Lola permalink

    Well, crap. I’ll never get rid of my collection of deathbed pictures of wizards (mages, shamans, and santeros) at this rate.

    Adores: 7
  3. 2012 April 23
    Aaron permalink

    Hmm, I’ve got plenty of pictures of mages and warlocks, but no wizards. Sorry, Sparky!

    Adores: 1
  4. 2012 April 23

    Please include a certificate of authenticity stating that the person pictured was (i) a real wizard and not just someone dressed as one and (ii) alive when the picture was taken. After all, I have some very high aspirations for my collection, and my future National Museum of Wizard Pictures can’t have just any old garbage.

    Adores: 5
  5. 2012 April 23
    LimeLolly permalink

    Photos of wizards while they are still alive…. hm… seems a shame that my tardis broke down and I can’t track down Merlin, anymore.

    Adores: 4
    • 2012 April 23
      CapnMac permalink

      “merlin” was a stinker of a small business multi-line phone system. Used to be some wits out there suggesting that Verizon changed its name from GTE just to keep the ‘stink’ away . . .

      Adores: 1
  6. 2012 April 23
    funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

    “I am an amateur collector of wizard pictures.”

    He’s staying amateur so he can compete in the Wizard Picture Collector Olympics.

    “You can also send me pictures of not real wizards, but they will not make me as happy as pictures of real wizards.”

    Not.real.wizards? Oh yeah, I smell another meme.

    Adores: 12
    • 2012 April 23
      Jen permalink

      I think he just wanted to avoid using the phrase ‘unreal wizards’, as last time that just generated lots of stoners…

      “These pictures are *all* unreal, dude! There’s one right here of a cupboard, only it TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE JESUS! Or Mary… Wait, which one wears the dress?”

      Adores: 6
      • 2012 April 23
        CapnMac permalink

        Perhaps poor Sparky, alas, has been offered up screenshots of such worthies as the “Add a Printer Wizard” or the “Map Network Drive Wizard”or, that storied old “Opening Uninstall Wizard” ever so (in)famous to us all . . .

        Adores: 8
        • 2012 April 23

          Does a screenshot of my Wizard Picture Install Wizard count as a wizard picture, or would I have to take a picture of my Wizard Picture Install Wizard?

          Adores: 5
        • 2012 April 23
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          I think as long as it’s alive, not dead, it should meet Sparky’s demands.

          Adores: 1
        • 2012 April 23

          If that’s the only requirement, I could just shave some stray dogs and tattoo wizards all over them! Monkey, you’re a genius!

          Adores: 4
        • 2012 April 23
          tigprincess permalink

          Door, door, door etc etc to Cap’nMac. Those wizards kill my enthusiasm for anything to do with my computer = work = hobbies = life.

          Adores: 3
  7. 2012 April 23

    “…as long as the picture was taken of the wizard when the wizard was still alive…”

    So, does that mean Gandalf the Grey is acceptable, but Galdalf the White is out?

    Adores: 9
  8. 2012 April 23

    How many wizard pictures would a wizard picture collector collect, if a wizard picture collector could collect wizard pictures?

    Adores: 9
  9. 2012 April 23
    camille permalink

    I hear it is a wiz of a collection, if ever a collection there was.

    Adores: 10
  10. 2012 April 23

    *Takes picture of wizzer*

    Oh, wizARD…sorry.

    Adores: 15
    • 2012 April 23
      Lola permalink

      Pecil!

      Adores: 8
    • 2012 April 23
      funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

      Bad puppy, bad!

      *rubs Hammy’s nose in the puddle*

      Adores: 3
      • 2012 April 23

        *Waits till FM isn’t looking and wizzers in her shoe*

        Adores: 2
        • 2012 April 23
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          *flings poo on the livingroom carpet*

          Mama Windy, look what the puppy did! He needs to be punished!

          Adores: 4
        • 2012 April 23

          *sniffs poo*

          Smells like nanners, wasn’t mine…Windy punish the monkey for trying to frame the puppy!

          Adores: 3
        • 2012 April 23

          This right here is why we can’t have nice things.

          Adores: 12
        • 2012 April 23
          mud "" slicker permalink

          BWAHAHA…. I heard that from my mom all the time as she was yelling at my brother. Classic!

          😀

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 April 23

          Many doors to puppy and monkey! I spluttered all over my keyboard.

          *interesting…it looks vaguely like a wizard!*

          Adores: 3
        • 2012 April 23

          mudsy – That and “When you grow up I hope you have a kid that’s just like you!” were Mom’s favorites.

          Adores: 4
        • 2012 April 23
          Windrose permalink

          I’m sorry, you have reached a Mama who has been disconnected, or is no longer in service. Please try your call again later.

          Adores: 4
        • 2012 April 23
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          All we need is someone playing the role of the pissed off dad: “If you guys don’t KNOCK IT OFF I swear to GOD I will turn this website around RIGHT NOW!!!!!!”

          (slightly o/t) One of my top five favorite Far Side cartoons was the one with a car full of lemmings and dad lemming screams at the kids in the back seat: “Knock it off back there! Or so help me I’ll just take this car and drive it off the first cliff I come to.”

          Adores: 4
        • 2012 April 23

          My Dad used to shake his head and say, “NEVER have any children.”

          Adores: 1
  11. 2012 April 23
    Lola permalink

    What this reminds me of is a friend who used to do reference in the children’s section of a library in upstate New York. A man who had a bit of an aging-hippie look to him came in one day and asked her for pictures of trolls. When she went to the mythology section and began pulling out illustrated books, he clarified, “No, not drawings, photos. She blink-blinked for a moment and then he continued, telling her how he had seen real trolls around Lake George and that they smelled, and he was writing a book about this and needed photographs. She maintained professionalism and informed him that they didn’t seem to have any photos. She also managed not to openly laugh at him (public library reference will train a person to do that).
    He left her a pamphlet and business card that her coworker later identified as having a mailing address at a shelter, which might explain a few things. She said he never came back but that she would see him around the area (she couldn’t remember his name so we called him Dr. Troll).

    I wonder if this Sparky has a similar personal history.

    Adores: 4
    • 2012 April 23
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      I’ve been to Lake George. Those are the hippies. It’s easy to get them confused.

      Adores: 8
      • 2012 April 23
        mud "" slicker permalink

        Cartman: I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about “protectin’ the earth” and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets – I hate ’em! I wanna kick ’em in the nuts!

        Adores: 3
    • 2012 April 23
      MandaB permalink

      Oh how I miss upstate NY sometimes…

      Adores: 2
      • 2012 April 23
        CapnMac permalink

        I do not miss Olean, NY, at all (not that it is “upstate” or the like)

        Adores: 0
        • 2012 April 23
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          Am I crazy, or isn’t olean that fake fat product that was lower in fat but caused, um, anal leakage?

          Adores: 4
        • 2012 April 23
          Lola permalink

          FM: Yes. And it’s also a town upstate.

          Adores: 1
      • 2012 April 23
        Lola permalink

        Cappy, anything north of the city is de facto upstate.

        I miss it, too. But it has snow today, so I’m glad I’m not there at the moment.

        Adores: 1
        • 2012 April 23
          Lara permalink

          Yes, we are getting a ton of wet, ugly, sticky snow here in Ithaca. But the springs and summers are so pretty, it’s worth it.

          So I wonder if this guy will accept pictures of Wizards who are alive, but are under the influence of an Invisibility spell. I think I might be able to come up with one or two of those…

          Adores: 8
      • 2012 April 23
        mud "" slicker permalink

        I lived in Spencer, NY outside of Ithaca for a short while. We left for Florida right after Halloween when we got the feeling that winter was going be on a par with Jack Torrance’s experience at The Overlook.

        Adores: 2
        • 2012 April 23

          The Jack Torrance Experience is IF’s Alan Parson’s Project death-metal cover band.

          Adores: 4
        • 2012 April 24
          mud "" slicker permalink

          I would have guessed it was IR’s Jimi Hendrix’s guitar-smashing Are You Experienced tour.

          Adores: 0
  12. 2012 April 23
    Jen permalink

    Hypothesis 1) Sparky has watched too much Harry Potter.
    Hypothesis 2) Sparky has never gotten over the cancellation of “The Paul Daniels Magic Show” in 1994.
    Hypothesis 3) I am way out of touch with what is considered ‘cool’ by the ‘yoof’ these days.

    Since you can never have too much HP, and Sparky writes too well to be a 12-year-old fanboy, I can only assume we have Paul Daniels to blame for this.

    Adores: 3
    • 2012 April 23
      CapnMac permalink

      Dear, dear Jen,
      It is probably not that you are “out of touch” with yoof (being pawed by juveniles with questionable sanitation habits having, at best, a highly variable allure).

      But, more the case that so many around us are willfully out-of-touch with any semblance of reality, normality, or the like.

      Far, far too many out there who presuppose that one might negotiate with physics (but, I may be biased in this for spending two hours’ a day among sparkii careening vehicles about at highway speeds, too).

      Adores: 3
  13. 2012 April 23

    So it’s all about making Sparky happy, is it? I suppose Mater thought fake wizards were all too common.

    Adores: 3
    • 2012 April 23

      Oh, oh, no more buttered scones for me, mater. I’m off to play the grand piano. Pardon me while I take a picture of a board-certified wizard.

      Adores: 2
  14. 2012 April 23
    MandaB permalink

    “You shall not pass Go! Do not collect 200 Wizard pictures.”

    This is the strangest game of Monopoly I have ever played.

    Adores: 5
    • 2012 April 23
      Lola permalink

      Right? When did Community Chest start having a Grail, a Bag of Holding, and a signed photograph of Aleicester Crowley in it?

      Adores: 2
    • 2012 April 23
      CapnMac permalink

      <jedi> This is not the Monopoly Game you were looking for. Move along now.</jedi>

      Adores: 5
    • 2012 April 23

      :draws Chance card:

      “A hurricane terrorizes the countryside! You are assessed 1d6+3 Storm Damage per property owned.”

      Dammit, I’m never going to be able to upgrade my hovels to shacks.

      Adores: 5
  15. 2012 April 23
    mud "" slicker permalink

    If this were a drinking game and “wizard pictures” was the take-a-shot key phrase, we’d all be drunky-drunk by now.

    Adores: 6
    • 2012 April 23

      *hic* wassat? zhou mean thish izhn’t uh..dreenking game? *hic*

      Adores: 3
      • 2012 April 23
        mud "" slicker permalink

        wizard pictures wizard pictures wizard pictures wizard pictures wizard pictures wizard pictures wizard pictures wizard pictures wizard pictures wizard pictures wizard pictures !

        You were saying what CJ? 😉

        Adores: 2
        • 2012 April 23

          :hic!:

          I deeply regret buying the fambly-sized bottle of strawberry vodka.

          Adores: 3
  16. 2012 April 23
    Ralph permalink

    [Corey] There is at least one real wizard. [/Corey]

    Ignore that man behind the curtain.

    Adores: 2
  17. 2012 April 23

    He’s off to shoot the wizard
    The wonderful wizard of Auz.
    He hears he is a wiz of a wiz if ever a wiz there was.
    If ever o ever a wiz there was the wizard of Auz is one because
    Because because because because because
    Because Sparky said he was….

    (best I can come up with pre coffee)

    Adores: 6
  18. 2012 April 23
    eeee permalink

    I can’t shake the feeling that this used to be a few paragraphs about something completely different, and someone did a “find and replace all” for some of the words, replacing the originals with “wizard” and “picture,” then fleshed out it a bit to make it sound more natural.

    This is going to bug me ALL DAY now trying to think what “wizard” and “picture” might be stand-ins for…

    Adores: 4
    • 2012 April 23

      “pecil” and “jewelry”

      Hello corner! I see we have some fresh coffee slices today.

      Adores: 2
    • 2012 April 23
      funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

      Ooo, I love Mad Libs!

      Let’s see, maybe “flavored” and “panties”. And in the place of “Also acceptable are sorcerers, warlocks, magicians, enchanters, mages” I’d put “drawers, bloomers, unmentionables, undies and stsep-ins”.

      Adores: 3
      • 2012 April 23
        mud "" slicker permalink

        You can’t forget the knickers!!! Although I tend to be a bloomers-kind-of-girl myself.

        Adores: 1
        • 2012 April 23
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          If you truly do forget the knickers, it’s probably going to be a bad day. Just sayin’.

          Adores: 0
        • 2012 April 23

          It’s either the sign of a really good night or a really bad day.

          Adores: 1
  19. 2012 April 23

    I put on my robe and wizard hat…

    Adores: 4
    • 2012 April 23
      mud "" slicker permalink

      ..and tiny wizard taco thong….

      *jingly jingly*

      Adores: 2
      • 2012 April 23
        Brer Fox permalink

        “tiny wizard”

        Thumbelina would be ecstatic.

        (This was my first time using spell check. I wasn’t sure about ecstatic, Turns out I misspelled Thumbelina.)

        Adores: 2
    • 2012 April 23

      *Looks at Taco wearing a beach towel and traffic cone hat*

      Taco, you forgot your medication again.

      Adores: 4
    • 2012 April 23
      Bombdude permalink

      it rubs the lotion on it’s skin

      Adores: 1
      • 2012 April 23

        it’s

        Taco, izzat you?

        Adores: 4
        • 2012 April 23
          Bombdude permalink

          Doesn’t “it’s” show possessive?? 😎

          Adores: 0
        • 2012 April 24
          mud "" slicker permalink

          No possessive with “its” (it’s* one of those exceptions to the rule)

          *it’s : only = it is

          Adores: 0
  20. 2012 April 23

    Just send him a picture of Alan Moore.

    Adores: 5
  21. 2012 April 23
    Concerned Citizen permalink

    Dear Mr/Mrs/Miss Sparktaculus Collecting Wizard Pictures,

    I too am an amateur collector and once had some very high aspirations. Although I have not known wizards, I believe I have had encounters with Warlocks. I would be delighted to engage you in a quid pro quo exchange of pictures; however, I fear mine are always blurry for some unknown reason.
    Please contact me if you desire said exchange.

    Sincerely,

    Gladys Kravitz

    Adores: 5
  22. 2012 April 23

    The word “wizard” means nothing anymore.
    That is both very sad and rather philosophic.

    Adores: 1
  23. 2012 April 23
    SpaceBug permalink

    Frammin’ at the jim-jam, frippin’ in the kritz.
    I’ve got a picture of this wizard theme that fits.
    In the town of Id, there’s a Wizard I do think.
    And the natives all proclaim that their king, he is a fink.

    Adores: 2
  24. 2012 April 23
    Bombdude permalink

    I cannot offer you monetary compensation but would be delighted to engage you in a quid pro quo exchange and send you one of my wizard pictures in return (I have some very good ones).

    So how exactly does this help sparky increase his amateur collection, if he gives one up for every one someone else gives him? Unless he’s only giving out reproductions… Talk about lowering the value…

    Adores: 4
    • 2012 April 23
      MandaB permalink

      I suspect amateur wizard picture collectors don’t do much reproducing.

      Adores: 2
  25. 2012 April 23
    Brer Fox permalink

    I got a picture of a deaf, dumb and blind kid, Tommy Walker.

    Adores: 6
    • 2012 April 23
      Not-a-[censored] Lion permalink

      I got a picture of my Cheese Whiz.

      Adores: 1
  26. 2012 April 23

    As flattering as this offer is, I’m not particularly big on the whole spidernet dating thing.

    Adores: 4
    • 2012 April 23
      Brer Fox permalink

      Sure, and when you go to her house, she’ll invite you in, then take you to a room with a bunch of other wizards then lock you in with them.

      Adores: 1
  27. 2012 April 23

    I don’t have any wizards… will a drake do?

    (Points for getting the reference!)

    Adores: 0
  28. 2012 April 23

    “Also acceptable are sorcerers, warlocks, magicians, enchanters, mages.”

    If Sparky here accepts screenshots from Skyrim, I’ve got this in the bag.

    Adores: 1
  29. 2012 April 23
    Citywolf permalink

    Would a screen capture of Vermin Supreme do?

    Adores: 0
  30. 2012 April 24

    Monkey, Astro, kelli, it’s Tuesday and time to come out of the box! Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Lake George!

    Adores: 0

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