YSaC, Vol. 1242: Shiny, shiny, get down behind me …
★★ Have you given the musician inside of you a chance to shine?!
Love watching people play music? Let me help you learn how you can join them on stage. I am a local musician and songwriter.
mouths unhinged and gaping in silent screams. They were somehow balanced on necks ragged from the broadsword’s decapitating swing, and there was blood running down the pedestals. Terrified, she had turned to flee from the room and the castle, only to discover Bluebeard standing in the doorway, his terrible eyes blazing. “I told you not to enter this room,” Bluebeard said,
Come to our studio or I’ll come to you. One extra lesson free with your first package purchase! My practical, hands-on approach incorporates examples from modern music to help you develop as a player.
laughter. “What did Ullman say?” Hallorann tucked his tongue into his cheek as if feeling for a bit of food in there. “He said: `Get some traps, Hallorann. ‘ ” This time they all laughed, even Danny, although he was not completely sure what the joke was, except it had something to do with Mr. Ullman, who didn’t know everything after all. The four of them passed through
(xxx) 666-xxxx
to the park. Jack had been his favorite, and even so Jack had taken his lumps when the old man was drunk, which was a lot of the time. But Jack had loved him for as long as he was able, long after the rest of the family could only hate and fear him. He pushed off with his hands and went to the bottom, but the trip was unsatisfying. The slide, unused, had too much friction and no
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pressure spray might just spread the flames around. Daddy said that Mr. Ullman should replace the old-fashioned hoses right along with the old-fashioned boiler, but Mr. Ullman would probably do neither because he was a CHEAP PRICK. Danny knew that this was one of the worst epithets his father could summon. It was applied to certain doctors, dentists, and appliance
There’s a number of weird things about this ad, not the least of which is that each paragraph of the ad seems to have been interspersed with passages from The Shining. I’m pretty sure that to this guy, letting the musician inside of me have a “chance to shine” (please tell me that the title was accidental!) means that I’m going to go batshit insane and attack people with xylophone mallets.*
Then there’s the phone number. First, I should point out that this ad was posted in northeastern Ohio, but that the area code is for Nevada. That’s a hell of a commute to listen to little Danny play “Crazy Train” on the guitar.
Second, yes — part of the phone number seriously is 666.
Thanks, Prunella!
*I may do that anyway.
Yes, call now and hear him sing duets to you on the phone! Crazy Train and the theme from the Exorcist!
[opens mouth, closes same]
[starts to gesture, stops]
[sits blinking: falls over]
We have a Cap’n down!
:fans walrus with copy of Ulysses:
I found one!
I simply detest a slide that cannot carry a tune on vocals, keyboard, piano, guitar, drums or bass. Damn useless pieces of burn-your-ass playground equipment.
On the other hand, I might like to hear CHEAP PRICK. I believe that’s IF’s Cheap Trick/Pat Green tribute band.
I want you to kill him.
I need you to slay him.
I’d love you to drill him.
I’m begging you to fillet him.
I brought you an overcoat.
I brought you my favorite axe.
When you are done don’t gloat.
You are killer to the max.
I want you to kill him.
I need you to slay him.
I’d love you to drill him.
I’m begging you to fillet him.
I found a secluded spot.
I know it’ll do just fine.
Make sure you don’t get caught.
And baby, you’ll soon be mine.
I want you to kill him.
I need you to slay him.
I’d love you drill him.
I’m begging you to fillet him.
Mmmm, fillet!
Sparky will teach you how to star in this.
[Corey] The NV area code isn’t so weird, at least if Sparky is giving a cell number. I know lots of people who move and keep their old area codes. [/Corey]
It’s a landline, as far as I can tell. It’s for a franchised music lessons business with its home office in Nevada.
It’s also advertised in Michigan, Indiana, and Florida using the same phone number, except there they’re looking for people who are willing to teach the lessons, and they’re leaving out the bit about being possessed.
More specifically,
REDRUM Music Lessons
Our motto: “We got you covered forward and backward”
*meet you out back at the topiary maze*
We all float down here!
Oops…wrong traumatizing Stephen King movie.
Wanda, IT is one of my favorites. I had a rough time keeping a copy that worked for me.
My first copy was VHS, it worked only in my truck, not at home. So I bought another copy. It worked in the VCR at home, but not in my truck. I bought the DVD, and someone stole it out of my car. I now have it on DVD again. I hope. Haven’t seen it for awhile. Perhaps I should go look.
Well, that’s nice, I’ve always wanted to learn to play music with blood dripping from my lips and the screams of the thrice-damned echoing in bestial cacaphony from the deepest darkest recesses of their pathetic souls but I could never quite get the dynamic range of my clarinet, and had to give it up in ninth grade.
But did you shine, dear?
“…He could play a guitar just like a demon in Hell, Go, Go… Go Danny Go!”
If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the squirrel protection program.
If my memory of the movie is correct, you might not want to dress up as an animal.
:-O
All work and no play makes Sparky a dull son-of-a-bitch. All work and no play makes Sparky a dull son-of-a-bitch. All work and no play makes Sparky a dull son-of-a-bitch. All work and no play makes Sparky a dull son-of-a-bitch. All work and no play makes Sparky a dull son-of-a-bitch. All work and no play makes Sparky a dull son-of-a-bitch. All work and no play makes Sparky a dull son-of-a-bitch. All work and no play makes Sparky a dull son-of-a-bitch. All work and no play makes Sparky a dull son-of-a-bitch. All work and no play makes Sparky a dull son-of-a-bitch. All work and no play makes Sparky a dull son-of-a-bitch. All work and no play makes Sparky a dull son-of-a-bitch. All work and no play makes Sparky a dull son-of-a-bitch. All work and no play makes Sparky a dull son-of-a-bitch. All work and no play makes Sparky a dull son-of-a-bitch. All work and no play makes Sparky a dull son-of-a-bitch.
Honestly one of the most batshit crazy posts I’ve seen on this site. And that’s a high bar to vault. Normally I don’t read posts this long, but I just HAD to find out how the protagonist escaped Bluebeard.
He went down the tone-deaf slide into the boiler room.
Clarisse, in the condo, with a sensible-but-still-deadly stilletto heel?
Hannibal Lecter has felt strange ever since he met that musician.
met->ate?
The demon who submitted this post is obviously a graduate of the Sales and Marketing 101 class offered by the online College of Craigslist Ad Posting. He excelled in the two major concepts that were the focus of the class: 1) grab the potential
prey’scustomer’s attention and 2) how to cut and paste with maximum effect.Is his name Wormwood or Screwtape?
Yes.
Looks like more reading material for the Eye-Q program.
★★ Have you given the musician inside of you a chance to shine?!
——————————————————————————–
NO! NO! NO! I’m not the M4M type. NO! Not at all.
Please get off my truck!
“Have you given the musician inside of you a chance to shine?!”
*grabs shotgun*
When that [@$%&] musical [censored] shiny [epithet] alien pops out I’m going to [edited for content] blow it’s [You don’t want to know. Trust me] head off!
After the first two sentences, I was thinking that the reasons why I wouldn’t want to join anyone on stage (couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket; no discernible talent or application for learning musical instruments) should be enough for anyone. I like watching talented musicians play because I am useless at music and therefore admire their ability.
Then I got to the decapitations, and now I never want to listen to music ever again. The flashbacks will be horrible.
(phone number Corey): In northern Tennessee there’s a small town called Lafayette* where not the area code but the first three digits of the phone numbers are 666. Very pretty town, not visibly cursed.
*Here in TN it’s prounounced “LaFAYette”, not the French-i-fied “LafayETTE”.
Not “visibly” cursed? That sounds faintly ominous.
(Shouldn’t that be LaFEEyette?)
Well Igor, it seems our little Psycho Dolly wants to be a musician.
Igor: No master, do not let her out of the closet, remember the last time?
Master: Yes Igor, I remember, and so do certain doctors, dentists, and appliance. Just go fetch a jar of babby and have the unblubler at the ready.
I: ::mumbling to self:: Nooooo, master no…
M: ::tapping lightly on the closet door:: P. Dolly?
::no answer::
P. Dolly, if I let you out to learn music, do you promise to behave?
::no answer::
You won’t make me use another vial of Auntie juice on you, will you?
::no answer::
I have some #2 Meat Gerberts for you if you behave.
::no answer::
And I’ll have Igor carve a little sumthin sumthin off of the swingset for you…
::rustling noises::
That’s a girl, ::opening door:: come on out and go sit over there on the oddomon, yes, right there next to the red table.
My, that’s a beautiful ice green prom dress you’re wearing today.
::Igor returns::
I: ::mumbling to self:: Do I smell mint?
M: Igor, did you remember to bring-
::ALL HAIL THE HYPNO DOGS!!!::
M: Good.
Now, P. Dolly, I’ve just completed my correspondence course on ‘Giving the Musician Inside of You a Chance to Shine’. Are you ready to mouth unhinge and gape in silent screams?
No?
Igor, we need ambience, go and light the nacho cheese fountain.
OK P. Dolly, how about the trombone then?
Master picks up the trombone from its stand next to the OBO to begin the lesson, but the slide, unused, had too much friction and while attempting to disengage and maneuver the mechanism, Master had swung wildly catching Igor and knocking down the flaming fountain of cheese and no-
vocals – keyboard – piano – guitar – drums – bass – voice Rock , Blues , Jazz , Metal , Soul , R & B , Gospel , Classical , Pop , Country Song , Lessons , Lessons , Coach , Learn , Instructor ,
Music , Instruction , Recording , Teacher or pressure spray could deter the spread of the flames around. Igor’s head, somehow balanced on neck ragged from the trombone’s decapitating swing, pirouetted and there was blood running down the pedestals.
Terrified, P. Dolly had turned to flee from the room and the castle, only to discover Master standing in the doorway, his terrible eyes blazing and uttering the incantation “it?, and Dead it was? Beauty filled with Spice Christ. It is in the familiar with steel pipes to read it?, and Dead it was? Beauty filled with Spice Christ.”
P. Dolly was sucked back into the closet with door banging shut behind, and now it was Master’s turn to mumble to self, shit, now I have to assemble another Igor.
After drenching the flames and sensing P. Dolly had somehow caused the latest fiasco, Master had time to reflect, all a Haunted Seductrist Sadistic Ruthless Porcelain Doll EVAR wants is a CHEAP PRICK.
As Master endeavoured to nap on his argentine couch, he noticed a hawk perched on his refrigerator, and dozing off, all he could think of was ‘where did that weathervane come from?’
So so many doors!! Brilliant!
There just are not enough doors in the world, my friend…not by a long shot.
I believe the best way to avoid this problem is to refuse to let the musician inside of you in the first place. I don’t care how cool their tour bus is or how firm their OBO may be.
I am going to hazard (no pun intended, but what the hey) a guess that this article is the product of a malfunctioning spambot, of the older style before Markov Chain Monte Carlo techniques started being used to generate grammatically correct nonsense. You may remember those older emails would include an advertisement for standard strategically misspelled pills, and then an excerpt from some public domain novel at the end. I think the goal was to defeat content-analysis spam filters by flooding them with additional, grammatically correct content to reduce the spam quotient.
Now, how Sparkbot decided to INTERSPERSE the post with a horror novel, we’ll never know… Maybe trying to get past a filter clever enough to separate out the message into two sections?
And with that, Spacebug won and broke the internet. Brilliant!
Silva, what a great way to spend the day after your birthday! And Dave, you are always honorable in my book. 8) Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, American Idle!
Sigh. All this talk of Igors makes me miss the little guy.