YSaC, Vol. 1278: We haven’t had that spirit here since 1969.

2012 June 20

Really old Turkey


3 weeks ago we moved into this house. In the basement is an old (avocado green) deep freeze. Buried under several inches of frost is a turkey. The freezer is unplugged, open and defrosting. The turkey is still a bit buried, but I will be able to pry it out today. I have no idea how old it is, but judging from the depth of the frost (and the 1992 applesauce I also found in the freezer) it is quite old. Since the thing is beginning to thaw, I would greatly appreciate pick up asap (near [name] elementary school).

And to the rant and rave person who chose my ad to pick on last time I gave away a free frozen turkey for animal feed instead of eating it myself, I had at least a dozen people ask me for it. So yes, people really do ask for antique food.
The People Who Are Pedantic About Such Things have developed guidelines that say that to be considered an antique, an item must be at least 100 years old (with even more pedantic exceptions for things like cars). So I’m afraid that what you have there isn’t so much an antique turkey as it is a vintage turkey.* And vintage frozen turkeys, unlike boxed wine and Crisco from 1959, don’t improve with age.
But I think the bigger question is … what choices has this person made in their life that led them to the point where this is not the first freeze-dried, dessicated turkey they have tried to give away on Craigslist?
Thanks, Jana!
*Vintage Turkeys is my Eagles cover band.
53 Responses leave one →
  1. 2012 June 20
    wanda permalink

    Not. A. Heritage. Turkey.

    Adores: 2
  2. 2012 June 20

    Antique Food is my Bread cover band. It is also my chain of Victorian-themed eateries in strip malls.

    Adores: 6
    • 2012 June 20
      wanda permalink

      Doing her best Hyacinth Bucket:

      “Oh, Richard, let’s pick up some food from Antique Food for one of my candlelight suppers!”

      Adores: 3
    • 2012 June 20

      I think there’s an anime called Antique Bakery …

      :asks Uncle Google:

      Yep!

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antique_bakery

      Adores: 0
  3. 2012 June 20
    CapnMac permalink

    [freezer corey]
    Since this is (was) not a frost-free appliance, actually, and “freezer burning” occurred in the first week or two of the internment of the bird. The temperature in the freezer (probably) has remained constant the whole time the appliance has been powered up. This is actually a recommended method of long-term food storage.

    Now, if the unit has been turned off (or the power out) any length of time during the internment of the birds–well, that’s less-good.

    The fact that Spark’ has admitted to using the turn-it-off-and-let-every-thing-melt method means that the bird, as a food product (for just about anything) is now seriously compromised.

    While frost-free freezers are more user-convenient, they cycle the box from 0ºF up to 34ºF, and this is under-good for long-term food storage.

    All those ice crystals that form, break, then reform, shredding whatever they are around, which is the mechanism of “freezer burn.” The water, in the freeze-thaw cycle actually separates out of suspension, and evaporates–the remainder is less-good by any measure.

    Now, freeze-drying is different. Ideally, one introduces a low-pressure or vacuum environment which will evaporate “free” water from the product, then extreme cold stabilizes the now dehydrated product. The pre-freezing dessication is important, the dehydration needs to occur before ice crystal formation damages the material.

    Oh, and what Spark’ has never been taught is that you can defrost a chest freezer like this with a 5-gallon bucket and an aquarium pump to keep water circulating over all the frozen goods. A body can thaw a 20 cf freezer in about 2 hours like that. Usually about 30 minutes’ is all that is needed to loose frosted-in items–which will still be frozen, d’uh!
    [/gumping off corey]

    Adores: 5
    • 2012 June 20

      A body can thaw a 20 cf freezer in about 2 hours like that.

      The first time I read that I thought you were saying that you could thaw a body in two hours, which seemed like oddly specific information for someone to have.

      Adores: 15
      • 2012 June 20

        Cap’n Mac is a veritable fount of oddly specific information.

        Adores: 6
        • 2012 June 20

          Cap’n makes Jeopardy look like a show about general knowledge.

          Adores: 4
        • 2012 June 20
          CapnMac permalink

          A person works in the construction/remodeling/design biz for more than three decades (longer than, say, Taco, has been alive), so, a body learns things.

          And, may have defrosted a freezer or elebenty.

          Adores: 3
    • 2012 June 20
      LurkRealClose permalink

      Wow. I never really thought about how frost-free freezers worked. This is oddly useful information. Thanks, Cap’n!

      Adores: 2
  4. 2012 June 20
    Indigo permalink

    If Sparky waited just a little longer, the “Worst if Used by Date” would have appeared through the layers of ice.

    Adores: 2
  5. 2012 June 20
    LimeLolly permalink

    Sometimes, I can tell how old food is just by looking at it’s cane and false teeth.

    Adores: 5
    • 2012 June 20
      funky "monkey brownies" monkey permalink

      Sometimes their tastes in music and clothes are indicators, too. When I catch the veggies jamming to Sonny and Cher, to the compost they go.

      Adores: 7
  6. 2012 June 20
    Ralph permalink

    Whya no chicken?

    Adores: 3
    • 2012 June 20
      Lola permalink

      Ralph, I love you for this reference.

      Adores: 2
    • 2012 June 20
      Demon Duck of Doom permalink

      Whya no duck either?

      Adores: 1
  7. 2012 June 20
    penguin permalink

    This is the second frozen turkey that Sparky’s given away. Was the first one also found in the (avocado green) deep freeze? If so, I’d look a little closer and make sure those are turkeys and maybe see if the former owner was named Dexter.

    Adores: 3
    • 2012 June 20
      Lola permalink

      Are you sure it’s Dexter? This is a little more Ice Truck Killer to me.

      Adores: 1
      • 2012 June 20
        mud "turkey bowling" slicker permalink

        More like Doomsday Killer. *spoiler alert*

        Colin Hanks on a nasty streak killing Edward James Olmos and sticking him in a freezer.

        Adores: 1
    • 2012 June 20
      Demon Duck of Doom permalink

      We don’t know it’s only the second one. I’m picturing a scenario in which Sparky has had to relocate several times because every new home has, upon further investigation, turned out to have… (cue spooky music)…. a frozen turkey lurking somewhere on the premises.

      Adores: 3
      • 2012 June 20
        funky "monkey brownies" monkey permalink

        *sniff sniff* I smell a movie plot. Sparky moves from house to house and the turkey follows him. Thawing out a little more with each move. Until he kills Sparky in his sleep with a baster and a big-ass spoon. And the coppers find him on his belly, spread eagled, with all his orifices filled with cornbread dressing. The title – Turkey Terror: The Stuffing.

        Adores: 4
        • 2012 June 20
          Demon Duck of Doom permalink

          Exactly! If it stars Patton Oswalt, I’ve already bought my ticket.

          Adores: 0
        • 2012 June 20
          mud "turkey bowling" slicker permalink

          Hehe…Patton Oswalt….I’d like to see Jim Norton skewered and stuffed.

          Adores: 0
        • 2012 June 20
          Demon Duck of Doom permalink

          Patton as Sparky, Jim Norton as the turkey.

          Adores: 1
        • 2012 June 20
          mud "turkey bowling" slicker permalink

          I figured that was a “given.”

          Make it so!

          Adores: 0
        • 2012 June 20
          Demon Duck of Doom permalink

          Well, technically, Sparky’s the one getting stuffed, but no matter, I’m on it. Shall I see if Louis C.K. is available for a cameo as 1992 applesauce?

          Adores: 0
        • 2012 June 20
          mud "turkey bowling" slicker permalink

          I’d rather go with John Pinette on the side as the antique applesauce. Louis C.K. is more of the 1988 Creamsicle stuck just under the 1992 layer.

          It’s like archaeology!!!

          Adores: 0
      • 2012 June 20
        CapnMac permalink

        Flat Out Guess: Spark’ is a landlord who has either flipped buildings as rentals (and discovered freezers thereby); or has evicted tenants (or had packed-up-in-middle-of-night-and-left-with-no-notice tenants), and discovered the left-behinds of same.

        Adores: 0
  8. 2012 June 20
    mud "turkey bowling" slicker permalink

    If I’m not mistaken, this is how Kurt Russell found himself in that pickle in Antarctica.

    “I dunno what the hell’s in there, but it’s weird and pissed off, whatever it is.”

    Adores: 10
  9. 2012 June 20

    Poor Turkey, all alone in the freezer for years and years. In the dark. No one to talk to. No one to eat him. It’s too sad to think about. Yes, I have brought fresh coffee slices to the corner this morning.

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 June 20

      Yay, fresh coffee slices! I can spread the 1992 applesauce on them.

      Adores: 5
      • 2012 June 20

        We may want to move The Corner over to The Vomitorium* for the next few days.

        *Yes, I know that a Vomitorium isn’t what most people think it is, but it’s funnier if we pretend.

        Adores: 1
        • 2012 June 20
          mud "turkey bowling" slicker permalink

          Oh, I fully believe the Vomitorium is TOTALLY what I think it is. Doesn’t it also store the antique cereal and the antique crisco and the antique cheetos and the antique Lionel Ritchie cheese?

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 June 20

          [corey]A vomitorium is a recessed, wide exit pathway to get in or out of a theater. Because it contains the Latin root “vomit” there is a great deal of misconception about what a vomitorium actually is.

          Specifically one of the latin meanings for vomit is “to discharge quickly” so vomitorium literally means “place through which to discharge quickly” or “place of quick discharge” which is actually an apt name because one of the hallmarks of the vomitorium was the speed at which one could leave a cavea (amphitheater) after a performance.[/corey]

          Adores: 1
        • 2012 June 20
          mud "turkey bowling" slicker permalink

          I totally misconstrued where you were going with that original post. I thought you were hearkening the misnomer as a non-fact that should be a fact in this context even though it isn’t a fact. I should have had the gravy with my mashed potatoes.

          Thank you Taco for the [corey] enlightenment!

          Adores: 0
        • 2012 June 20

          Thank you, Cap’n Taco.

          Adores: 1
        • 2012 June 20
          CapnMac permalink

          Latin is a rich language, and much given to puns, too.

          Vomit also means “splayed” in the sense of the fingers of the hand splay. The “releasing” of the fingers is what gives the sense of rapid movement change.

          The fact that the, ahem, discharge from emesis* will splatter in a splayed-out fashion is part of the meaning in coliseum exits being labeled “Vomitoria.”

          _________________________
          *Emesis, a word with too much present meaning after yesterday and the day before–what way to celebrate a birthday <sigh>

          Adores: 1
      • 2012 June 20
        Demon Duck of Doom permalink

        1992 Applesauce is IF’s Smashing Pumpkins/Strawberry Alarm Clock fusion band.

        OT: As a youth, whenever I read the words “round of applause”, I thought it said “round of applesauce”. I figured it was metaphorical, kind of the opposite of the audience throwing tomatoes.

        Adores: 3
        • 2012 June 20

          That would be kinda awesome.There are few things that couldn’t be improved by a round of applesauce.

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 June 20
          Windrose permalink

          I like your world, DDD! 8) What color is the sky there?

          Adores: 1
        • 2012 June 20
          mud "turkey bowling" slicker permalink

          How about a round of awesomesauce?

          Adores: 2
  10. 2012 June 20

    This is so exciting! This is like a chest freezer version of eating a mammoth!

    Adores: 3
    • 2012 June 20
      mud "turkey bowling" slicker permalink

      Oh yes! Perfect David Attenborough whispered narration in the background:

      “As we quietly approach the avocado green sarcophagi of this hapless prehistoric [antique] bird, we ready our cameras to capture the first glimpses of the layer of permafrost surrounding the slowly-thawing amniotic tomb that this frozen fowl has called home since 1975…..”

      Adores: 7
      • 2012 June 20

        … slowly-thawing amniotic tomb …

        Welp, I know what I’m having a nightmare about tonight.

        Adores: 1
        • 2012 June 20
          mud "turkey bowling" slicker permalink

          …then my work here is done….

          8)

          Adores: 1
  11. 2012 June 20
    LimeLolly permalink

    So, it’s time to talk turkey, folks, so trot right on over here and listen up.

    If you have been hanging with the Wild Turkey much too long, and all you have to show is frostbite, time to quit that cold turkey and go to the 24 hour deli, and get you a turkey sammich.

    Adores: 4
  12. 2012 June 20

    With the Coreys today, I wonder if it’s possible for one to code an actual Corey BBtag for use. The tag in question would format the text in some sort of pretentious font and add italics as a snooty little twist.

    Hmmm….

    Adores: 3
    • 2012 June 20
      CapnMac permalink

      Would that suggest that the [matt] tag be in Comic Sans?

      Adores: 3
  13. 2012 June 20
    SilvaNoir permalink

    The only thing I know of that is safe to eat after 100 years is honey. Apparently it doesn’t go bad. And possibly Twinkies.

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 June 20
      penguin permalink

      It’s not safe to eat Twinkies “freshly” made much less 100 years old. Gave my 10 year old her first one a couple of months ago and she wouldn’t finish it.

      Adores: 0
      • 2012 June 20
        SilvaNoir permalink

        All I know is those things are indestructible. I’ve heard stories about people finding boxes of them from the 60′s and eating them.

        So yeah… probably best not to eat something that can’t actually be digested.

        Adores: 1
  14. 2012 June 21

    ghostie, up and at ‘em! The turkey is defrosted and someone is looking for something to stuff it with. Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Mr. Gobbles!

    Adores: 0

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