YSaC, Vol. 1290: I’m going to [location], far from this opera…
If anyone knows Jack White personally, he is my wife’s favorite musician, please ask him to post a short video on his site telling [Sparky’s Wife’s Name] in [Location] that her husband [Sparky’s Name] loves her so much. She would literally flip if that happened. This is to help salvage a marriage because I have been very lax in the romance department and am trying to think of creative ways to rectify that situation. I’m including a picture of our family.
Needless to say, we will NOT be including the picture here. Or their real names. However, I would be tickled pink to discover that Jack White is actually reading YSaC by the expedient of seeing him post a video about how much “Sparky” loves “Sparky’s Wife.” That would be sort of awesome. Jack? You listening?
Failing that Sparky, you could try, oh… I don’t know. Possibly actually being romantic? For Valentine’s day last year, I made drmk a greeting out of construction paper and elbow macaroni*. Maybe that would work?
*note – actually true.
Thanks for the domestic tragedy, Bryan!
I am a twisted person. It’s been a very long work week–both of them–this week, so sleep deprivation takes some blame, too.
But, I cannot shake the Monty Python “Marriage Guidance Counselor” sketch.
Sorry, Sparky, but Deidre, she’s a “goer” [nudge-nudge, wink-wink]
Counselor: Sparky, would you mind stepping outside for about, oh, twenty minutes?
Ah, Cyrano De LazySack… He was a romantic.
[Yeah, yeah – I don’t need to tell you I’m going to the corner. I *live* in the corner.]
I’d like to think that there’s a very confused used car salesman named Jack White posting a love video on his website for Mrs. Sparky right now.
I once got a famous singer to post a video to tell someone, “I love you so much.” Unfortunately, that singer was Eduard Khil, so no one understood it.
I once drove a famous singer to his radio interviewer, but the only thing I asked him was to get his manager to stop smoking in my ride, or she was going to walk.
Dear Wife,
I love you so much! Not enough to tell you directly, of course, but enough to tell someone else to tell you for me.
Sparky
(sounds like third grade to me)
*Camera rolls*
Dearest Wife of Sparky. I have it on good authority that your husband, the aforementioned Sparky, loves your very generous and nigh awe-inspiring pair of breasts. Truly he has written many a sonnet about them in his weekly posting online, highlighting their form, shape, and other qualities befitting such wonderous orbs of splendor. Oft have I wiled away the hours perusing through the many photographs he has made available of your soft mounded splendor. He is a gifted man, and it behooves the world to see that your marriage continues to be a successful one.
Know that your husband, with utmost sincerity, loves and appreciates your glorious and world-class bosom. As do we all.
*Sends video in mail*
“orbs of splendor”
Snort. Love it.
I’m imagining Taco reclining with a pipe in an overstuffed leather armchair, dressed in a smoking jacket, while the theme to “Masterpiece Theater” plays.
And now I’m imagining John Malkovich playing Taco in the slightly off-center romantic comedy adaptation directed by Wes Anderson.
Now I’m picturing me as Orson Wells starring in a gritty film about a bad cop who frames a politician for an unsolved murder and then finds himself deep in a multi-national plot to secretly pull down the Spiralgraph monopoly.
Now I’m picturing Brad Pitt.
I’ll be in my bunk.
Now I’m picturing Brad, circa Legends of the Fall, chopping wood with his shirt off. And bits of sawdust in his chin stubble. Chin length, sun-steaked hair. Sweat dripping off his chest.
Corner. With a cigarette.
And, I’m picturing Benicio Del Toro sitting, confused, in a chair wondering how he got roped into an M Knigget Shamalamadingdong Movie, and when were the going to tell him the “twist.”
Silly Taco, there is no Spirograph Monopoly. They are very definitely two separate games/toys!
Oooh, I’m telling TacoMa’am!
Maybe Sparky means Barry White? That would be sexy and romantic.
*type type type*
Dear Alice Cooper: Would you dedicate a performance of “Welcome to My Nightmare” to my sweetie, Hubby Monkey? It would help rectify a marriage that needs more shock rock and blood in it.
Thanks,
Funky Monkey
Perhaps Spark’ is Walter Mitty and his wife like the mercurial Martha in “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” and is keen to have her join the choir invisible by enlisting the aid of a deceased musician . . . hmm
I am close to speaking fluent Craigslist, so I’ll attempt to translate.
Dear Internet,
I am the laziest sod around. I’ve done nothing to save my eroding relationship and, last night, when I sent virtual flowers and a pot of warrior gold to my date on World of Warcraft, my wife said she was close to leaving me.
I understand I could actually *do something* but that’s clearly not me. So, I’m going to post a completely outrageous request on a free site and then, when it doesn’t work out, I can say, “But look at the beautiful thing I *tried* to make happen!”
Also, my kids keep asking me to take them to the amusement park and “be their dad”… Anyone out there interested? Also, there’s some kind of “gas leak” my wife keeps trying to get me to deal with but seriously who has the
Sadly, I speak Lout, allow me to translate the above–
“Sensuous up, git me a sammitch-n-beehr” [body function noise(s) as punctuation]*
____________________________________
*In the very rare, almost devolved, Apologetic-Polite form, that would render as: “Sweetie, whenya getcher beehr, bringmee sammich, huh?”
Because nothing says “I love you” like another man.
Funny, that’s exactly what my ex-girlfriend used to tell me…
Dear Sparky;
This is me, your (soon to be) ex-wife. You know, the virtual flowers were pretty, I’ll grant you that. The e-card on my birthday was almost funny. The pretend Valentines chocolates looked like the real thing. And the magazine picture of an Easter Egg, almost touched me heart.
I do not live in a virtual world though; I live in a real one. The enclosed divorce papers are real. You may want to take the advice of a real lawyers, although I’d be happy to let mine discuss this with a virtual lawyer if that’s your preference.
Signed,
Ex-Mrs. Sparky
Is this Craigslist post from the alternate universe from whence sitcoms cometh? Because this sounds awfully familiar.
You know, the appeal to Jack Black actually works, and he comes to [location]. But then, Jack Black falls for Sparkette as only he can!
Sparky is devastated and talks to all his friends at the bar, and they tell him to man up and spend the next 15 minutes coming up with some awkwardly sweet but misguided idea to win her back.
Then Jack Black does something wacky and bad in a way that harms neither his public image nor offends any demographics. Sparkette realizes she really loves Sparky after all, and bursts in on his surprise party (catered by Martha Stewart!).
And then, as the credits roll, Sparky says something typically crass, just in case we were worried he’d experienced any actual character growth.
Edit: Jack White=/=Jack Black. But I’m leaving it as is, because I don’t know anything about The White Stripes. Work with me, people!
If Jack Black were to meet Jack White, would they annihilate each other in a cataclysmic release of energy? Because I could use another Higgs Boson.
I don’t know about annihilate each other, but they might turn out some well-done, funny songs. The Grey Album?
Already exists – it’s a mashup of The Beatles’ “White Album,” and Jay-Z’s “Black Album.”
50 Shades of Jack Gray
ew
You Don’t Know Jack: The Greatest Hits Collection.
Dan, I was pretty sure that someone had done the Grey Album (though my brain kept trying to tell me it was either Danger Mouse or Modest Mouse, which were clearly not correct), but no reason why Jacks White and Black couldn’t as well! In fact, I’d like to see them cover the Grey Album. Meta! And stuff!
If a person has a pair of Higg’s Boson, what sort of support garments are needed <conk–ow, corner!>
Jack Black making the video would really be more appropriate…
Isn’t that the movie “Jack and the Box?”
I’ll be in the corner looking for an avatar.
Step 1: Cut a hole in Jack White.
Rose tint my world…
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY
Because all of Jack White’s personal friends spend their free time combing Craigslist looking for total strangers who wish to take advantage of their connection to the musician.
Well, he IS from Detroit…
Even a Jack White impersonator would expect to get paid for his services, but Sparky expects the real one to make him a video out of the goodness of his heart. I think I’m starting to understand the problems in his marriage.
I don’t know Jack.
I know Cheddar (but not Wensleydale–senseless waste of human life)
I don’t know Jack.
I don’t know Jill.
I don’t know if I have a buck and a quarter.
I don’t know what the big deal is. There’s LOTS of marital aids to be found on Craigslist.
That’s so weird. Last Valentines Day I had Jack White make my wife a card out of construction paper and elbow macaroni!
Was that the banner year of your marriage?
Nope. For the banner year I had Lady Gaga make an “I Love You” banner out of bacon.
Which anniversary is the Pasta and Paper Anniversary? 7? 11? 23? You know it’s probably some random number not divisible by either 5 or 10.
http://thebloggess.com/2012/07/the-man-deserves-a-damn-medal/
(Sorry, don’t know how to do the fancy insert thing – I’m doing good knowing how to cut and paste)
That was soooo cool.
If Sparky’s wife leaves him, she can call him her ex-lax in the romance department.
I can’t do any better than that Ralph. Not today anyway.
*1.036X10²³ doors flung*
While this could be entertaining in certain circumstances, I think the long term disadvantages might outweigh the benefits.
Capn, hope your day in the box was better than your daily commute. Less traffic in the box, usually. Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Jacks of All Trades!