YSaC, Vol. 1336: Lay all your eggs on me.
WANTED TO BUY : Alien eggs
WANTED TO BUY…………I PAY TOP DOLLAR FOR….Alien eggs. I’m looking for Specific eggs NOT FROM THE VULTORIC REGION (Those never hatch). I’ve been doing this for over 20 years …I can spot fakes….so don’t try and pull a fast on on me. I only buy eggs under 31 days old and whch have been incubated at 106.2 degrees Farinheit. I do personal research on Alien embreoitic development and health in my Mom’s basement. emaill me if you have the goods and We’ll do the transaction out in the open over an omelet at the Waffle House, or [antique store with only one location] of your choice. Thank you for all of your help in advance. Long Live and Prosper.
Because when I’m buying or selling alien eggs, the thing I really get hungry for is an omelet. What better way to incubate them at the precise temperature necessary for embryonic development? Avoid the Slitheen eggs, though; those are kind of gamey.
Thanks, superslacker!
What are the chances? I just bought a video game from this very guy last week!
Hey, if the Sorting Hat says you’re to be Slitheen . .
So will he need to see my egg lab to verify all the age and temperature specs? I don’t think he will have access to the area under Los Pollos Hermanos. Gus will be very angry.
If we make a couple assumptions — namely, that alien eggs exist; that studying them requires some sort of college education (let’s just go with a 4-year degree); that Sparky didn’t start college until 18 or 19 — we get him starting his studies at 24 or so.
This means he’s currently in his mid-40s (or older) and still living in Mom’s basement.
For that matter, why is Sparky only interested in aliens that lay eggs? I’m sure there are plenty that give birth to live young, or even reproduce asexually. But he seems to assume that all aliens lay eggs. That’s… well not exactly racist, but something similar to it.
Species-ist, maybe?
The degree for dealing with asexual spores, budding, semisexual slime stage and reproduction by fracture is a separate 20-year degree, and the Vulcan Science Academy is VERY selective.
Also, there are aliens that lay eggs and then trust them to fate and aliens that lay eggs and are extremely attentive parents. I don’t think that trading in the eggs of the latter would be such a wise move.
“in my Mom’s basement”
Shock!
Gotta build your alien army somehow….
Waffle House? Are you insane? Haven’t you done your reading on the Sentient Maple Syrup Attack of aught three outside of Buford, Georgia?
I’ve already said too much…
That was the weekend of the Clemson v. Ga Poly game, was it not?
And no one suspected it was Georgia Polypropylid that showed up until it was far, far too late.
IF, I cry foul (or fowl, if eggs be concerned). One cannot get Sentient Maple Syrup outside of New England. I’ve tried. Oh God how I’ve tried.
That’s what the human hosts are for. Goodness, it’s like you all took off your tinfoil hats for a minute and the reprogramming has taken hold.
I could assist in eating… I mean, taking care of… the eggs, if you want. I could keep them save in my ovipostor, why not… Males of my species definitely have those.
Zoidberg, you fool, it’s a trap!
Dear Minion of Gozer,
He will come in one of the pre-chosen eggs. During the Rectification of the IHOP, the Traveler came as a large and moving Waffle! Then, during the Third Reconciliation of the Last of the Meketrex Supplicants, they chose a new form for him, that of a giant Omelet! Many Shubs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of a deep-fryer that day, I can tell you!
Hugs and Rainbows,
Vinz Clortho
This is doubly funny for me, as I watched GB on Movieplex last night.
And I saw it this morning at 3:30. 🙂
Power plants have odd shift hours.
Probably from the alien eggs in the basement.
We’ll never tell, but yes they do require regular turning 24/7, 365.
As funny as the whole thing was, the part that really did it for me was the “hugs and rainbows” hee hee
Oh, no Sparky; I would never try to trick you with fake alien eggs that are really just duck eggs painted with blue glitter. You can trust me – I have an honest face. (I keep it in a jar behind the door.)
And, you certainly would not get a set of “alien egg ice cube trays” and makes some out of (vintage) crisco and ra-er-raisins, yeah, raisins; vintage Raisin Bran, that’s it!
Nope, Never. Not once.
[walks off whistling–Nothing to see here]
“Nanu nanu!”
-Mork from Ork
PLEASE don’t respond to the ad or meet this guy anywhere! He shows all the signs of being occupied by a Puppet Master! The only cure is to have sex in a shower at the hospital. Or am I misremembering that movie? I’ll be in my bunk.
But he told my Mom if I met him and brought him an alien egg, he’d give me a kitten. She says it’s okay.
Wondering if Spark’s Mom has maxed out her credit card again, and the wee puir bairn is having to buy WoW stuff their own self . . .
(Much preferring that this be a spoilt ‘tween than 30 or 40-something fail-to-launch one-real-life-disappointment-away from a mayhem spree involving cardboard weapons and +0 cloaks . . . )
If anyone were to meet this guy I would bet my wedding rings, the most precious things in the world to me, that he’s got a chain on his wallet. What’s the matter, Sparky? Afraid someone will steal your bus pass? Or do you have an almost full deli punch card? Can’t lose that free sub!
Nah, no wallet–that would suggest an ability to leave the house, perhaps even an ability to self-support.
Such are anathema to hikikomori.
Unless you mean the wallet Mom left, under the Classified sections next to the plate of sammiches.
Wait-a-minute.
What if Mom is actually up in 3B, and this “basement” is in the creepy motel at the end of the dead-end road . . . ?
Norman, is that you?
Well he’s gotta keep the money his mommy gives him somewhere. He seems slightly more high-brow than those guys that keep cash in their shoes.
I don’t have any alien eggs, how about a demon egg?
How about a demon duck?
How about those [fill in your favorite team here]?
[SF corey] Is it not “Live long and prosper” and not the “long live and prosper” Spark’ used?
Presuming typical sparkii competency with serial commas, Long; Live (LYEv not lehv); & Prosper sounds like Roddenberry’s trademark infringement attorney’s office. (Or IF’s Enya + Eurhythmics mashup cover band.)
[/corey]
It is indeed, Cap’n, but I was too heartbroken by the lack of TOS knowledge that I couldn’t point it out.
Thank you for taking up the cause.
*I have kicked people out of my office for asking these questions about my various t-shirts:
1) What is NCC-1701?
2) Stark Industries?
3) What’s Wayne Enterprises?
4) What the hell is steampunk?
*this is absolutely true…I do have my standards, albeit geek/nerd standards, but standards nonetheless
Well, the fact that a steam-fired plant has no parking for dirigibles probably confuses some. Probably the same group confused by an Emissary with no baseball, or a Librarian with no Spear, or a Hitchhiker with no towel.
Wayne Enterprises is where Kirk bought a starship from Rufus, right? Bill and Ted were done with it at the time.
Digi, Kirk never bought that starship. He took it for a test drive and never brought it back. He still owes me 38,975,700,485 zulaks.
TOS?
Tales Of Suspense?
The Obesity Society?
Terms Of Service?
The Objective Standard?
Tactical Oceanographic Summary?
Tennessee Orthopaedic Society?
The Original Series?
Considering the context, I think I’ll go with Total Outer Space (knowledge).
Oh! So close! No, it’s The Original Series, followed by The Next Generation. TOS and TNG respectively.
I know all of them, what do I win??
If you know this ship without looking it up, then you can be my bestest Internet friend: NCC-74656 😛
You win the Internets, Ensign EB of the USS Voyager!
(yes, I knew that one…but I’m still a TOS snob)
Tin foil hat wearing geek or sex slave trader looking for new stock?
Yes.
Pfft! Amateur! Most sentient alien life forms are born live. I was born live when I was six. I’ve been studying Earth humans for 15 years (2 in earth years), and I have discovered that not all humans are sentient. Some life forms that are hatched, such as geckos, are way more sentient than human basement dwellers. I have even discovered a strain of broccoli that can match wits with some humans. I have been able to collect samples here without resorting to craigslist. In another 15 years (2 in earth years) I will be taking my samples back home. So, those of you that have met me, be prepared. And no, it doesn’t matter how adventurous you are, I’m taking you with me.
So… those you put a tracker on… it’s not to keep track of them? It’s to know who to avoid in the future?
Absolutely, and you are one I’m keeping.
Aww, geez! I wanted to make a cake first!
You had me at broccoli.
Sigh. Let me get my towel. And the mail.
Sparky deserves a standing ovulation.
I was going to give him an un-anesthetized neutering.
Yes please. Sparkies should not reproduce. Ever.
“I can spot fakes….so don’t try and pull a fast on on me.”
Bet you can’ spot an authentic, buuuut IIIII’llllll puuuuulllll aaaaaa sssslllloooow wwwuuuuunnnn oooonnnn yyyyyouuuuuu.
YEGADS, he’s buying my chilluns!
That’s Ermagard!
“I can spot fakes….so don’t try and pull a fast on on me.”
Pfft! Neo-zoom Dweeby! Everybody knows that spots are out this year. Stripes are in this year and my prediction for next year will be plaids.
You are so weird.
What? No I’m not. I am the mostest normal there is.
Oh darn, I’ve been incubating mine at 106.141592653589793238462643383279502884197 degrees fahrenheit.
Missed it by that much. If only he used his research for niceness instead of evil.
I am glad he specified he did this in his mothers basement. As if we would assume he lived anywhere else with a post like that.
Well, not on their own. You have to help them along with an alien wrench.
Day late and a dollar short, but I’m pretty sure this guy wouldn’t be hard to fool. Some actual bird species look weird enough to have come from another planet. If he thinks he can take one out of the incubator, meet at the waffle house for it and still have it hatch after the drastic reduction in temperature and all the bumping around he is going to be disappointed, though. Once the incubation starts the female rarely gets up off the nest until the chicks are ready to hatch. I suppose he might have slightly better luck with reptile eggs, but they don’t handle temperature changes much better. If it gets too hot or too cold for an extended period you will end up with all males or all females instead of a mixed hatch.
And can you tell I have kids? They love reading the animal science books, but they can’t figure out all the words yet. I’m pretty sure I don’t need all that stuff in my head, but there it is.
One! One! One! Thanks for incubating in the box all day. Now it’s time to load up your truck and hit the road. Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Eggman!
This is so ridiculous that I think someone must have made it up just to get on this blog.
The only thing that would make this better is if someone actually responded.