YSaC, Vol. 1340: Not exactly Lorne Greene

2012 September 14

FREE ANIMAL GIME IT


NO CAT OR DOG GIME UR FREE ANIMAL

Part of me REALLY wants to take this guy up on his demand. The trick is deciding exactly what would be the most unpleasant way to do so. Coelacanth in the bathtub? Cassowary on the porch? Honey Badger in the fridge? So many possibilities… Good thing we have a comments section!

Thanks for the post, Stephanie!

56 Responses leave one →
  1. 2012 September 14
    penguin permalink

    Cool. Now I know how to get rid of that dead skunk.

    Adores: 7
    • 2012 September 14

      I passed a couple of former raccoons this morning that I could add to the bag.

      Adores: 5
      • 2012 September 14

        Wait! Isn’t Former Raccoons IF’s something-something tribute band?

        Still…might work….

        Adores: 4
        • 2012 September 14
          funky "a few good monkeys" monkey permalink

          I think that could be a The Artist Formerly Know As Prince / Squirrel Nut Zippers mash up.

          Snerk. “Nut Zippers.”

          Adores: 3
      • 2012 September 14
        funky "a few good monkeys" monkey permalink

        “former racoons” = Made me giggle.

        So that flattened fluffy thing at the crossroads this morning was a “retired squirrel”?

        Adores: 6
        • 2012 September 14
          SpaceBug permalink

          I’ve got something to add to the bag, a UFO* crashed landed on a BBQ in my backyard the other day. Poor little bugger of a squirrel.

          *Unfortunate Furry Object.

          Adores: 4
        • 2012 September 14

          I can just imaging all of us showing up on the doorstep of Sparky’s singlewide with a great big burlap sack, like some hellish version of Santa Claus.

          Adores: 7
        • 2012 September 14

          ::digs through Christmas decorations::

          Ah..here it is!

          ::places Santa Cap on head::

          Festive!

          Adores: 4
        • 2012 September 14

          The Eyebrows household has a very special Santa hat. When you flip a hidden switch, the tassle rotates slowly back and forth and about the head. The elder male of the Eyebrows clan wears the hat during Christmas dinner. Papa Eyebrows carried on the tradition for many years, and now, with his passing, the honor has been handed down to Mr. Eyebrows.

          We roll with a serious side at Christmas…

          Adores: 4
        • 2012 September 14

          Jingle Bells, this bag smells,

          You should proof your ads.

          Adores: 6
        • 2012 September 14
          funky "ass-noodles" monkey permalink

          Sparky’s such an
          Ass – noo- dle

          It makes me
          Very mad!

          PS: I’m having too much fun out of “ass-noodle”. It’s made me giggle for a full 24 hours now.

          Adores: 3
      • 2012 September 15
        Lizzi permalink

        Was “ass-noodle” from yesterday and I missed it?

        Adores: 0
  2. 2012 September 14
    DigitalAxis permalink

    Pet Rock?
    Animal, from the Muppets?
    e. Coli? (it’s not a PLANT…)
    Madagascar hissing cockroach?
    Vermicious Knid?

    Adores: 6
    • 2012 September 14
      funky "a few good monkeys" monkey permalink

      I vote vermicious knid. With rabid ferret a close second.

      Adores: 5
      • 2012 September 14
        Dan permalink

        What if he doesn’t have an elevator?

        Adores: 4
  3. 2012 September 14

    I have a pet tapeworm that needs to be rehomed. You’ll never have to buy bedding or kibble again.

    Adores: 4
    • 2012 September 14
      CapnMac permalink

      There is a certain justice in the way a tapeworm would be “re-homed” . . .

      Adores: 15
      • 2012 September 14

        Capn…I heart you…and you scare me.

        Adores: 7
        • 2012 September 14
          funky "a few good monkeys" monkey permalink

          I know. It reminded me of the ass-noodles from yesterday.

          PS: Ass Noodles of Yesterday might be a cool band name. Maybe. Or maybe not. Ew.

          Adores: 6
        • 2012 September 14

          Looks like we have a bad infection of ass noodles in the Snark Lounge. Hope they come up with a vaccine soon.

          Adores: 4
        • 2012 September 14
          funky "ass-noodles" monkey permalink

          I like the name so much I’m going to name the “name” part of my name that name.

          Adores: 4
        • 2012 September 14
          Bombdude permalink

          It’s even better without the quotes!

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 September 14
          Bombdude permalink

          Ass Noodles of Yesterday might be a cool band name.

          I was thinking more along the lines of a show, similar to VH1’s Where are they now

          I think MC Hammer would be a shoe-in…

          Adores: 5
        • 2012 September 14
          funky "ass-noodles" monkey permalink

          “a bad infection of ass noodles ”

          Would a doctor prescribe pills or a pair of tweezers to cure that?

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 September 14
          Bombdude permalink

          Suppositories…

          Adores: 1
      • 2012 September 14

        Agreed. There are times when even with a head tilt and an eye squint, I don’t understand Capn at all.

        And then there are times when I understand him all too clearly. Doors to you, Capn.

        Adores: 3
        • 2012 September 14
          funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

          Yes, the Cap’n FTW.

          I heart ye too!

          Adores: 2
  4. 2012 September 14
    CapnMac permalink

    Ah, the reasoned, calm, considerate, expressions of need of the 3 year-old.

    Would that such be limited to only those so aged.

    Adores: 6
    • 2012 September 14
      DigitalAxis permalink

      Hey, that logic got Sparky a lot of lunch money in high school!

      Adores: 3
  5. 2012 September 14

    Looks like we finally found a taker for that truck full of free bees!

    Adores: 16
  6. 2012 September 14
    Gary permalink

    “Vermicious Knid?”
    A misspell of ‘venomous kid’?
    Cause that would seem appropriate too.

    Adores: 2
  7. 2012 September 14

    I have a catulator that would just love to meet this guy.

    Even though he specifies ‘no cats’, I’ll put Bugsy the Insane in a box and tape it shut – marking it “Not.A.Cat” on the outside, of course. He ought to be wound up tighter than an eight-day clock when Sparky opens it.

    I predict one less Darwin Award nominee in the gene pool by nightfall.

    Adores: 9
  8. 2012 September 14

    “They TUK ER JERBS!”

    Adores: 3
    • 2012 September 14
      funky "a few good monkeys" monkey permalink

      Oh, yeah! We could send Sparky the Mexican staring frog of Sri Lanka!

      Jimbo: “Look out Ned! It’s coming right for us!”

      Adores: 3
  9. 2012 September 14

    ::dials telephone…yes, dials…::

    Hello, is this Imhotep?

    Imho, baby, have I got a deal for you!

    Remember all those nasty scarab beetles those jokesters dumped in your tomb?

    Well, there’s a gentleman very interested in taking them off your hands.

    Hmm? What will he pay?

    He’ll pay with his bodily fluids, internal organs, you know, the usual stuff.

    You will? That’s fantastic!

    Tell you what, I’ll tell him to meet you at the Cairo Museum at midnight tonight.

    Thanks, booby! You’re the best. See ya ’round the pyramids!

    Yours Eternally,

    Anck Su Namun

    Adores: 5
  10. 2012 September 14
    Calvin permalink

    I’ve been waiting for an ad like this forever! My basement has a few centipedes I’d love to hand over.

    Adores: 4
  11. 2012 September 14
    Bombdude permalink

    See, I immediately went the other direction (and my apologies to Harry):

    the food arrived just the other day
    it came to the house in the usual way
    there was a tip to give, and
    paper plates, came from a wok just a mile away
    it was good but don’t ya know it, before twas through
    we found cat meat through and through, man
    there was cat meat through and through

    there was cat in the ladle, at the Hong Kong spoon
    delicate essen from here to Rangoon
    have you tried a cat yet? in now now when?
    and we’ll taste it better then, man
    we know we’ll eat a big cat then

    had taco bell just the other day
    the kfc rats had all ran away
    it was good and moist, and brown and nice
    it tasted better than the animal that eats mice
    and as I chewed away, the taste never thinned, it said
    I’m gonna love cat too, yeah, some rat meat and cat meat too

    there was cat in the ladle, at the Hong Kong spoon
    delicate essen from here to Rangoon
    have you tried a cat yet? in now now when?
    and we’ll taste it better then, man
    we know we’ll eat a big cat then

    well I had some porridge just the other day
    tsted like ca I just had to say
    HUN? i’m asking you, is there cat in this pile?
    she nodded then she said with a smile
    what I’m really like now is to make all your cats food
    there is less of them in that big brood

    there was cat in the ladle, at the Hong Kong spoon
    delicate essen from here to Rangoon
    have you tried a cat yet? in now now when?
    and we’ll taste it better then, man
    we know we’ll eat a big cat then

    I no longer care if the hair’s cut away
    i eat it up as I chew away
    I thought I like to eat this, I just don’t mind,
    I try every meat of the animal kind
    you see, there’s mad cow in cattle, and the avian flu
    but it’s sure nice the meat with no “moo” bads
    it’s sure nice to eat no “moo”

    and as I picked up the phone for delivery
    I’ll order more white meat
    cat is the new white meat

    there was cat in the ladle, at the Hong Kong spoon
    delicate essen from here to Rangoon
    have you tried a cat yet? in now now when?
    and we’ll taste it better then, man
    we know we’ll eat a big cat then

    Adores: 8
    • 2012 September 14
      mud "static noise" slicker permalink

      *covers Zeus’ ears*

      B Side of record: Cat Stevens sings Was Dog in My Doughnut?

      Adores: 3
  12. 2012 September 14
    CapnMac permalink

    [boring GIME corey]
    Lifted from net:
    gime, Spanish verb (infinitive gemir) [transl. “moans”]

    Informal second-person singular (tú) affirmative imperative form of gemir.
    Formal second-person singular (usted) present indicative form of gemir.
    Third-person singular (él, ella, also used with usted?) present indicative form of gemir.

    also

    GIME, Gender in media education

    Neither are very helpful in translating our would-be Dr Moreauer-Moron-o.
    [/corey]

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 September 14
      funky "ass-noodles" monkey permalink

      Oh gime a break!

      Adores: 2
    • 2012 September 15
      Lizzi permalink

      Dr Moron-o, love it!

      Adores: 0
  13. 2012 September 14
    Demon Duck of Doom permalink

    Gime your tern, your porpoise, your two-toed tree sloth yearning to breathe, free.

    Adores: 4
  14. 2012 September 14
    Ralph permalink

    Don’t have a cow, man.

    Adores: 2
  15. 2012 September 14
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    Adores: 6
  16. 2012 September 14
    funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

    Now that I’ve worked 10 hours, drive 40 minutes home, had a few beers and re-read Sparky’s ad, I’ve had a disturbing thought:

    He doesn’t want cats or dogs, but beyond that he doesn’t sound picky. He’s doing something not ASPCA approved to critters, isn’t he? And he wants to add to his inventory.

    Oh Lordy. I have to go hug my kitties.

    Adores: 2
  17. 2012 September 14
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    I arrive this late, and no one offered a mine hors?

    Kids these days.

    Adores: 3
  18. 2012 September 15
    Lizzi permalink

    Is it just me or does that cassowary look….special?

    Adores: 1
  19. 2012 September 15

    FM and DDD, here’s to your initial day in the box! Get it? Ha! I crack myself up. Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Ponderosa!

    Adores: 1

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.