YSaC, Vol. 1355: Let’s just hope there are no gelatinous cubes.

2012 October 5

Woman DM needed for D&D based Adult Bachelor Party


Description:
Looking for a woman with Dungeon Master experience in Dungeons and Dragons (specifically 3.0 or 3.5 editions) to run a game. The event is for a Bachelor Party and the “future husband to be” would prefer if the DM could be topless. With that said, I ensure you that nothing else is expect of you other than an exciting adventure.

Requirements:

  • Dungeon Master experience in Dungeons and Dragons (preferably in 3rd or 3.5 Editions)
  • Must be able to provide a picture including the face and body (No nudes please.)
  • It is preferable that cup size be at least C or greater.
  • If books are needed it must be stated ahead of time however it would be preferable if the DM had her own.

Clientele:
There will be 5 “guys” that will be participation including myself. We are at all above the age of 24. Each of us are gentlemen and will treat the Dungeon Master with the utmost of respect.

Compensation:
I honestly don’t know how to charge for this kind of service because it’s not something typically done so the compensation will be negotiated. It’s expected that the session last no less than 30 minutes.

Date:
A day prior to October 11th (The Day of the Wedding) would be ideal.

Location:
The location will be negotiated but priority will be give to the preference of the Dungeon Master.

We will treat the Dungeon Master with the utmost respect. But we want her to be stacked and topless. These guys are essentially looking for the geek fantasy – they want a beautiful uninhibited woman who is willing to take her top off… and then play Dungeons and Dragons (3.0 or 3.5 preferably) with them.

I’m actually not sure where this falls on the “respect for women” scale relative to your typical bachelor party with a stripper. On the one hand, these guys will probably spend the entire game trying to pretend they’re not staring at the girl they’ve just paid to expose herself. On the other hand, that’s almost more dishonest than just hiring a stripper.

In a way, it’s sort of sad. On the other hand, there’s probably at LEAST as many D&D games as frat parties happening in an average night, but a lot more adult entertainment catering to the latter than the former. I suspect the first adult entertainer than picks up a set of d20s, learns what THAC0 means, and can operate a Random Encounter Table might actually clean up.

(Also, I’m going to pretend I had to look all those terms up.)

Thanks for the link, Prunella!

42 Responses leave one →
  1. 2012 October 5
    CapnMac permalink

    So, this is five Sheldons looking for a real-live Felicity Day.

    Makes a person wonder about what the spouses/s.o. are like, in a way.

    Also some amount of consideration about how all they really want to do is game. But, modern culture requires some sort of prurient, pulchritudinous, content; egro topless DM.

    Ah, but there is a risk for our Sheldons here; if they manage to book a putative Dr Holly Marten, she would be smart enough to impose things like that all hands would have to be topless. And a table-full of bare-chested Fargos would sold-shower almost any quanta of wild-n-crazy guys.

    Adores: 0
    • 2012 October 5

      I think it’s actually Felicia Day. Rowr.

      Adores: 2
      • 2012 October 5
        CapnMac permalink

        Freudian waistcoat, no doubt, as only Felicity beyond imagining would likely bring me to in-person distance of Ms Day. <deep sigh>

        Adores: 0
    • 2012 October 5
      DigitalAxis permalink

      “Sorry, Gary, you ALSO rolled ‘lose pants’.”
      (seconds later)
      “Wow, I feel bad for your bride.”

      Adores: 11
    • 2012 October 5
      P-Rex permalink

      But Sheldon really isn’t into females. He considers himself a higher life form.

      Adores: 3
  2. 2012 October 5
    camille permalink

    Is that a Rod of Lordly Might, or are you just happy to see the Dungeon Master?

    Adores: 10
    • 2012 October 5

      Hold on, I have roll the random effect for my Rod of Wonder.

      *Rolls 2D10*

      Huh… Enlarge person…

      Adores: 2
      • 2012 October 5

        :casts Oblivion on self:

        Adores: 1
      • 2012 October 5
        CapnMac permalink

        Oh, so the DM will be introducing a character, Alice; and no one will be able to roll high enough versus her Invisibility.
        So, No See Alice, QED

        Adores: 2
  3. 2012 October 5

    I put on my robe and wizards hat…

    Adores: 4
  4. 2012 October 5

    Jack Chick is hurriedly doing an update to Dark Dungeons.

    Adores: 4
  5. 2012 October 5

    Sure, a topless GM seems like a good idea, but I think we all know how that turns out.

    Yup, she’ll be one of those old-school GMs who takes a Gygax adventure and makes every enemy half beholder. By the time the adventure is over, the entire team will be little more than a quivering pile of warm jelly schlorping through the endless catacombs of a pocket dimension that’s been sealed behind them.

    Adores: 5
  6. 2012 October 5

    Thirty minutes? I wouldn’t even take my shoes off for a game lasting that long.

    Adores: 7
    • 2012 October 5

      No, it’s not the game that will last 30 min. It’s the “guys.” All above the age of 24, I doubt it. 8)

      Adores: 0
    • 2012 October 5
      mud "static noise" slicker permalink

      Yeah, they’d have to offer me lunch and some return coupons to get me through that half hour.

      “I am the Master of the Dungeon!”

      Oh yeah? Big deal. I have a teenage boy I have to clean up after! Bow down before me!!!!

      Adores: 2
    • 2012 October 5
      Bombdude permalink

      Wow, how sad is it that when presented with the thought of a toples, stacked female GM for a round of D&D, that my first thought was also “30 minutes?!?, what the hell can you accomplish in half an hour?”

      Adores: 11
      • 2012 October 5
        mud "static noise" slicker permalink

        Hehe…what were you expecting to “accomplish” BD? World peace?

        😀

        Adores: 2
        • 2012 October 5
          Bombdude permalink

          Dungeon Domination!!! A hoard of gold! Death and gore to ALL THE Monsters!!!

          Psh.. 30 minutes would hardly even get you through the door…

          I mean… Erm… So I’ve heard….

          Adores: 1
        • 2012 October 5

          That might be the plan.

          Sparky 1 – “I check the door for traps.”

          :all five Sparkies watch Topless DM roll die:

          TDM – “You detect no traps.”

          Sparky 2 – “I would also like to check the door for traps.”

          TDM – “But you’re a cleric.”

          Sparky 2 – “Just do it.”

          :all five Sparkies watch TDM roll die:

          TDM – “You detect no traps.”

          Sparky 3 – “I too would like to check the door for traps.”

          TDM – :sighs:

          Adores: 13
      • 2012 October 5
        CapnMac permalink

        Despite the skill & craft in the writing of the ad, no mention is made of HWP for the putative TDM.
        Which could be a serious omission.

        Adores: 0
      • 2012 October 5

        With 30 minutes you’d barely have enough time to get into the meat of the argument about who needs to roll up a new character because having 2 monks and no cleric is a bad idea.

        Adores: 4
        • 2012 October 5

          And there’s always that one guy who wants to make his paladin’s alignment chaotic-neutral so the character isn’t so “boring.”

          Adores: 4
      • 2012 October 5

        I am so glad I’m not the only person who thought “30 minutes”? What the hell?

        My husband & his buddies play D&D once a week, and they’ve barely moved away from the coffeemaker in the first 30 minutes, let alone started a game.

        I don’t know what it says about me that my brain hung up on the time allotted as the most troublesome thing about this ad…

        Adores: 4
        • 2012 October 5

          That you are one of us 🙂

          I expect gamers to be an odd bunch so the idea of requesting a topless DM for a bachelor party doesn’t seem very strange to me, but only playing for a half-hour? That’s just crazy talk.

          Adores: 1
    • 2012 October 5
      CapnMac permalink

      There is probably only a thirty minute window between the last Big Bang Theory and when Fringe comes on.
      Duh. <G>

      In case some had not seen–Science channel is adding Fringe to it’s content, to go with bouts of Firefly and similar shows.

      Adores: 2
  7. 2012 October 5
    David permalink

    5 “Guys”

    Who knows what those quotation marks are hiding-

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 October 5
      DigitalAxis permalink

      One of them is actually a robot the other four built. He prefers to go by the term “autonomous synthetic lifeform”

      Adores: 1
    • 2012 October 5
      Demon Duck of Doom permalink

      The fact that “guys” and “future husband to be” are in quotes, while Dungeon Master is not, gives a pretty good indication which reality they are most grounded in.

      Adores: 3
      • 2012 October 5
        David permalink

        Wonder if the “future wife to be” is okay with this reality-bending?

        Adores: 2
        • 2012 October 5
          CapnMac permalink

          There are those distaff who are utterly convinced that the mere act of marriage convenes supernatural powers to be focused upon the spouse. Who, in this case will give up the nerdy like and take up something rugged, something, butch–like a Lumberjack . . .

          Adores: 2
      • 2012 October 5
        CapnMac permalink

        Well, perhaps they thought using “groom” might cause confusion between the noun and the verb.

        As to the use of “guys”, perhaps there is an androgyne among the group, or an Old One, and the use of “guys” is a collective, as Hastur might be considered ambiguous.

        Adores: 1
  8. 2012 October 5
    Bombdude permalink

    typical bachelor party with a stripper

    [matt]They’re not strippers, they’re dancers working their way through school!! So judgmental!

    Just because they choose to dance and show off their free-range chesticles for tips is no reason to look down your nose at them!![matt]

    Adores: 2
    • 2012 October 5
      CapnMac permalink

      If one is looking down one’s nose at “exotic dancers”–does that not suggest one ought push one’s glassed back up?

      Adores: 3
    • 2012 October 5
      One Moving Violation permalink

      I worked as a stripper once.

      *waits for everyone to get mental image in head*

      I stripped paint off of furniture for refinishing.

      You are welcome for the creepiness.

      Adores: 4
      • 2012 October 5
        Not-a-[censored] Lion permalink

        Did the Dance of the Not.a.Sugarplum Fairy?

        Adores: 1
  9. 2012 October 5
    CapnMac permalink

    Still have this sitcom playing in my head of the five spouses gathering together like a storm barely abated and issuing Diktat:

    No, you may NOT go to a Strip Club.
    You can play D&D.
    But not 2nd Edition, that’s OUR special thing.
    Well, OK, but only topless–And No Touching!
    And you ARE taking Pat with you, too!
    And only a half-hour, there are Important things to do, like decorate.

    Adores: 3
    • 2012 October 5

      There’s also a chance the party is being arranged by a best man who woefully misunderstood the groom’s request for a “sexy dungeon-themed” party.

      Adores: 15
  10. 2012 October 5
    Jen-no-fur permalink

    I can’t believe no one mentioned that the date being BEFORE the wedding was only “ideal.” REALLY??? After the wedding it’s potentially ok for topless DM too? Huh. Wonder how the new wife feels about that. Maybe she’s invited then, but has to be topless too?

    Adores: 0
  11. 2012 October 6

    *tour guide voice* And this is the DAFT wing of the box, named for Dave and the Ferret Tribe. Dave, or possibly the ferret, landed in the box so often that this entire wing was named for him. It may look like an empty large appliance, but it really is a wing of the box.

    This is the Brer Fox Toaster Oven, named for a relatively new snarker who persevered through posts about colored lint and free couch love to win recognition time and again. *ding* And that concludes the tour, my pizza is done. Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Mr. Gygax!

    Adores: 1
  12. 2012 October 9
    Pigs like peekaboo permalink

    Somehow this seems to extra-inapproriate being planned for the day before the wedding.

    Adores: 0
  13. 2013 February 11
    Aaron of Mpls permalink

    I saw this very post on “best of craigslist”: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/3310486791.html . It’s been up there for a while now.

    Adores: 0
    • 2013 February 11

      So has this post — it’s from October 2012. You’ll notice that’s around when it was originally posted and nominated for Best of.

      Adores: 0

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