YSaC, Vol. 1427: Mamma mia!

2013 January 15
by drmk

Wanting a female mom


Please email me if you have one for adoption. Thanks

If I had known that was all it took, I’d have swapped mine out a long time ago. My last mom was no good; tits aside, he couldn’t even breastfeed properly.

Thanks, Ellen!

37 Responses leave one →
  1. 2013 January 15
    DigitalAxis permalink

    Sorry, all I’ve got are male Moms. The female ones are on back-order, although if you want an androgenous one, let me know.

    Adores: 7
  2. 2013 January 15
    DigitalAxis permalink

    The poster is looking for a different kind of Mom & Pop store.

    Adores: 7
  3. 2013 January 15

    Sorry, you can’t adopt my mom, because I chose to abort her in the second trimester.

    Wait, how do I exist?

    Adores: 6
    • 2013 January 15

      *poof!*

      Clean-up in the Snark Lounge!

      Adores: 7
      • 2013 January 15

        Ewww, there’s timey-wimey stuff everywhere!

        Adores: 9
      • 2013 January 15
        DigitalAxis permalink

        I told you! The Snark Lounge is in a state of temporal grace. You just can’t leave, that’s all.

        Adores: 4
        • 2013 January 15

          Did you try reversing the polarity of the neutron flow?

          Adores: 5
        • 2013 January 15
          CapnMac permalink

          Ack! There’s a Witchy Woman in my Hotel California!

          Adores: 2
  4. 2013 January 15

    I’m happy with the one I have now, it’d take me forever to break in a new one.

    Adores: 8
  5. 2013 January 15

    Tommy was only five years old, but already far advanced beyond his parents when it came to computer knowledge. He was fed up with the early bedtimes, knowing absolutely for certain he was missing out on great parties his parents hosted after sending him to bed. He had heard of kids suing their parents for emancipation, but he didn’t exactly know what that word meant. He started brainstorming for at least ten minutes after being sent to bed about what he could do. Mainly he was brainstorming before sleepytime ’cause it distracted him from the certainty he was missing out on something great. Once he’d heard a muffled exclamation from his mom that sounded like “Gosh, it’s so big! Can I pet it?”, followed by lots of sounds he didn’t recognize. The next day he couldn’t find anything new around the house that was big, so he figured his parents had decided not to keep whatever it was, probably a puppy. That was the last straw – and, coincidentally, the event that sparked his plan. They adopted a big puppy, and decided not to keep it. He’d put an ad on craigslist looking to adopt a new mom. After a week or so, he’d decide to return it and bring his real mom back, expecting the experience would teach them not to leave him out of their great late-night parties unwrapping big things. The next day, he posted an ad asking for a new mom. “Better specify a female mom”, he thought. “My friend Christie has two dads, and one of them calls the other mom.”

    Adores: 9
    • 2013 January 16
      Supreme Ruler permalink

      Every kid knows that it’s after they’re asleep that the ponies, balloons & clowns come out. The problem is that, just like Santa, they know when you’re sleeping.

      Adores: 0
  6. 2013 January 15

    Well, some of our male moms are the best that money can buy! But if you are unable to step out of the stereotype, then let’s get to the paperwork. Here’s the agreement to adopt and care for the mom, here’s the contract, note there’s no cooling-off period, here’s the list of acceptable rebellions and agencies for mediation in case of a disagreement. Here’s your personal history, we’ll need a blood sample and a urine sample, here’s the same from the candidate mom, here’s the papers needed to sign your income and property over to your new mom, and to guarantee that you give her grandchildren within a set period past your 21st birthday. And finally, here are the keys to her 86 Pontiac Bonneville. Congratulations.

    Adores: 8
  7. 2013 January 15
    mud "static noise" slicker permalink

    Will a dough, a dear, a female dear substitute?

    Adores: 3
  8. 2013 January 15
    Ralph permalink

    How much is that mommy in the window?
    The one with the scraggly hair?
    How much is that mommy in the window?
    I sure hope that mommy’s prepared.

    Adores: 8
  9. 2013 January 15
    HamCan permalink

    Please email me if you have one for adoption. Thanks

    Aww crap, I have one for adoption but I only have efemail…

    Adores: 5
  10. 2013 January 15

    *looks through box of stuff headed to the donation box*

    Let me see…. I have a deer, a female deer. I believe her name is “Doe”. Then there’s Ray, but he’s just a drop of golden sun..so that’s no help. Of course, there’s Me..but, that’s just what I call myself – especially when I have a long, long way to run.

    It’s time for me to sew (you know, a needle pulling thread?), before I la a note to follow sew.

    Just in time for tea, with jam and bread.

    Now where was I?

    Oh yes, that’ll bring us back to Doe.

    What was I looking for, again? Oh, that’s right my copy of “The Sound of Music”.

    *digs to bottom of box*

    Huh..it’s not here. Bet my mother borrowed it again. She never returns things.

    I swear…one of these days…..

    Adores: 13
  11. 2013 January 15
    Demon Duck of Doom permalink

    A female mom is all I’ve ever known, and all I thought I’d ever know. Lately, though, I’ve been feeling a little mom-curious.

    Adores: 7
    • 2013 January 15

      That’s how it starts; maybe check out a few parenting blogs on the weekend – no harm in looking, right? – but the next thing you know you’re wearing a frou-frou hat with a matching corsage and eating quiche in a fancy tea shop on the second Sunday in May.

      Adores: 6
      • 2013 January 16
        tigprincess permalink

        Ghostie – have you been stalking me?

        Adores: 1
  12. 2013 January 15
    Tankerbell permalink

    Well, my Mom has [femaletraits1] and [femaletraits2], and you can definity have her. But absolutely, positively no backsies.

    Adores: 6
  13. 2013 January 15
    Demon Duck of Doom permalink

    It’s a classic rite of passage: that fateful day a child has to sit Mom down and explain to her that she was adopted.

    Adores: 6
  14. 2013 January 15

    No, sorry, we’re all out of stock on female moms. We do, however, have a lovely set of Genderqueer Parental Units in clearance, and I can get you a simply wonderful deal on a Mälemøm if you’re willing to settle… but it’s from IKEA, and I’m not helping you assemble it.

    Adores: 7
    • 2013 January 15
      Tankerbell permalink

      Dude, I had one of those Ikea ones. Had like 3 pieces of hardware left over after assembly and it fell apart when I tried to put my stuffed raven and pewter mine hors collection on it.

      Adores: 2
      • 2013 January 15

        Mine has a few screws loose, but I’ve learned to live with it. I just have to prop one corner up with a folded-up takeout menu.

        Adores: 4
  15. 2013 January 15
    Dr. Tobias Fünke permalink

    Might I suggest a copy of my best-selling book?

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 January 15

      There’s a man inside me? Holy shit! No wonder I have indigestion!

      Adores: 6
      • 2013 January 15
        Tankerbell permalink

        {Insert “man inside my female mom” joke here}

        Adores: 3
  16. 2013 January 15
    SpaceBug permalink

    We’ve got a new business.
    Adopt-a-Mom Inc.
    A child in distress.
    Can click on our link.

    When your mommy gets foul.
    Don’t waste time for to think.
    We’ll be at your brow.
    As quick as a wink.

    We’ve got parents galore.
    And some you have seen.
    We’ve even Al Gore.
    If you want to go green.

    Adoptees abound.
    Just check out our store.
    They’re all safe and sound.
    Not one is a whore.

    So if your life’s gone.
    Right up to the brink.
    Don’t stay in that john.
    Adopt-a-Mom Inc.

    Adores: 8
  17. 2013 January 15
    Ralph permalink

    No MILF snarks yet? Is this blog having a bad day?

    Adores: 4
    • 2013 January 15
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      You mean Mothers I’d Like to be Female?

      Adores: 13
    • 2013 January 15
      Demon Duck of Doom permalink

      Tits aside, I prefer kibbles ‘n’ bits to milf snarks.

      Adores: 7
    • 2013 January 15
      Lizzi permalink

      I’m a little surprised, a little relieved, no MILF comments happened. This ad also makes me think of the episode of Parks and Recreation where this one kid hires a woman from Craigslist to pretend to be his mom to get him out of trouble.

      Adores: 1
    • 2013 January 15
      Tankerbell permalink

      OK, I will admit I am not knowledgeable about MILFs. But aren’t the supposed to be, like, someone else’s mom?

      Adores: 2
      • 2013 January 15
        Lizzi permalink

        That would be why I’m relieved. Don’t even wanna think about what that person would tell a therapist if this were an own mom MILF situation.

        Adores: 0
  18. 2013 January 16
    tigprincess permalink

    Is Sparkii ‘related to’ Elton John ? http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-21044890

    Adores: 0
  19. 2013 January 16

    Hammy, we missed you so much when you were not posting, and now we can’t keep you out of the box. Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Mommy Dearest!

    Adores: 1

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