YSaC, Vol. 1459: Craigslist, sucking, keywords, oatmeal

2013 February 28
by dan

Continuing our theme week of posts not about recliners, here’s one about.. well, everything, as far as I can tell.

2 educational puppies – $15


2 puppies in perfect condition!
[number]

*For more baby and toddler items search [username]* ;)

Key words: nursery , health , clothing , mom , baby , babies , layette , natural , organics , chicco , baby bjorn , graco , trends , stroller , pac n Play, fisher price , namco ,ameda , avent , davinci , gerber , mamas and papas , britex , sealy , skip and hop , boppi , bumbo , safety 1st , bob , summer , halo , tommee tippee , teddy bear , animals , weenie the poo , modern , sports , sea and sky, Graco, snug ride, car seat, carseat, baby carrier, chicco, britax, bumbleride, peg perego, maclaren stroller, phil ted, phil and teds, ted’s, BOB B.O.B, Jeep, Combi , food, leapfrog, evenflo, vetech
stroller, baby, bugaboo, infant, toddler, kid, graco, orbit baby, stokke, quinn, xplory, karoo, jogging, frog, cameleon, bob, combi, buggy, burberry stroller, fendi stroller, travel, car seat ,nursery , health , clothing , mom , baby , babies , layette , natural , organics , chicco , baby bjorn , graco , trends , stroller , pac n Play, fisher price , namco ,ameda , avent , davinci , gerber , mamas and papas , britex , sealy , skip and hop , boppi , bumbo , safety 1st , bob , summer , halo , tommee tippee , teddy bear , animals , weenie the poo , modern , sports , sea and sky, Graco, snug ride, car seat, carseat, baby carrier, chicco, britax, bumbleride, peg perego, maclaren stroller, phil ted, phil and teds, ted’s, BOB B.O.B, Combi, Chicco, nursing

Ok, link bait – how many people do you think actually search for “weenie the poo” when what they really want is an educational puppy? Then again, in the last 24 hours, people have found OUR site by searching for “nako craigslist baby,” “punch vol cxx prices,” and “henry the stuffed dog.”

Still – what the hell is an “educational puppy?” Is that where you learn about the effect of razor sharp teeth on nice shoes? At least they’re in perfect condition – the last puppy I bought had some nasty rips in the upholstery.

Thanks for the post, Lauren!

50 Responses leave one →
  1. 2013 February 28

    The last time I searched Craigslist for Jeeps, I ended up with educational puppy instead, and she chased Chemistry Cat up the tree. So no, thank you.

    Adores: 6
  2. 2013 February 28

    See Spot. See Spot run. Run, Spot! Run! Get out of there while you can, Spot!

    Adores: 3
  3. 2013 February 28

    Hello Everyone!
    My name is Bob – that’s “B.O.B.” – Jeep, and I’m from the Combi Food Leapfrog Corporation, Development Division.

    Today, I’d like to discuss your child’s nutrition. In order to get quality baby food, we start with educated, quality, puppies. Only the best will do at Combi, and with our new Vetech Quality Control System the best is what your child will receive.

    Each puppy is carefully loaded into the GracoStokke 2000 machine and scrubbed clean with the finest soap from Britax. After cleaning, the puppies are placed in our special decontamination unit – the PeregoMaclaren – and the temperature is heated to a perfect point for optimum effect. Honestly, folks I’ve seen this machine at work and the results are truly amazing.

    Once cleaned and decontaminated, the puppies are placed in the storage area – this tank right here – the QuinnXploryKaroo – named for the trio of scientists who developed it – Drs. Cameleon Quinn, Orbit Xplory, and Tommee Karoo. The tank ensures that no puppy is contaminated before the final stage.

    The final stage for the puppies is insertion into our patented Boppi-Chico prep and test area, where they are fitted with bows and the females have their nails polished by our crack team of stylists – Ameda Davinci and Teddy Namco.

    Finally, the puppies are ready for baby! We open jars of our most popular foods – the meat gerbets are a HUGE favorite, I have to say – and judge their viability on the market by the puppies’ reaction. I have to admit that puppies don’t have the most discerning of palates, but anyone who’s been around a baby before knows that, frankly, neither do they.

    In fact, in my 20+ years here at Combi, we’ve only had one flavor of baby food rejected by the puppies. It was a very unfortunate experiment called the Frogweenie, and not only was it very difficult to get the raw materials for, the puppies took one bite of it and promptly threw up all over the floor of the Boppi-Chico area. It took months to fully decontaminate. But, that was in the past and since that time we’ve brought you such delicious combinations as the Evenflohalo and Poomamasandpapas.

    Rest assured that we will continue to work for you and your baby, bringing only the finest products to your local grocer.

    Adores: 21
    • 2013 February 28
      tigprincess permalink

      Kneels in homage to C’From ….”we are not worthy” says it all – as you did. Spreads blossom and bees in your path.

      Adores: 7
    • 2013 February 28
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      I’m enjoying reading this in Cave Johnson’s (JK Simmons’) voice.

      Adores: 6
      • 2013 February 28

        Ooh, that does make it better!

        Adores: 4
      • 2013 February 28

        I actually *heard* it in…dammit…who’s the guy that Danny Akroyd portrayed on SNL harping the latest kid toys – Bag O’ Glass?

        Anyway, him.

        Adores: 6
    • 2013 February 28
      LonePaladin permalink

      This reminds me of the time I answered a forum poll that asked “what’s the most evil thing you’ve done in a computer game? Specify the game.”

      I answered: “NetHack — ‘You finished eating your puppy.’”

      Adores: 2
      • 2013 February 28
        Irregular Fractal permalink

        That’s the third saddest thing I’ve heard all day.

        Adores: 2
        • 2013 February 28

          And I thought I was having a bad day.

          Adores: 0
  4. 2013 February 28
    PhantomBanker permalink

    Someone once told me their friend “B.O.B.” was really a “Battery-Operated Boyfriend”…kinda puts a new spin on “educational”…

    Adores: 11
    • 2013 February 28

      I’ll go fire up the Brain Bleach Jacuzzi.

      Adores: 1
      • 2013 February 28
        CapnMac permalink

        Brain Bleach Bassomatic

        (don’t blame me, CJ started it by invoking SNL back when it was actually funny)

        Adores: 4
    • 2013 February 28
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      “I want a Coin. Operated Boy.” NSFOARW*

      *Not Safe for Overly Anal Retentive Workplaces

      Adores: 0
      • 2013 February 28
        LurkRealClose permalink

        NSFOARW is your GWAR cover band, isn’t it?

        Adores: 2
        • 2013 February 28
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          It is indeed.

          Adores: 0
  5. 2013 February 28

    Phil and Ted’s excellent adventure.

    Adores: 2
    • 2013 February 28

      Glad I’m not the only one whose mind went there. I didn’t read the entire list of tags, but I did see “weenie the poo.” I’m guessing that’s the Taco Bell chihuahua’s cross-bred cousin known for incessant whining and its proclivity for eating and/or playing in its own fecal matter.

      Adores: 1
  6. 2013 February 28
    PhantomBanker permalink

    [corey] Many of these products are legitimate baby products. Mrs PB and I have come across most of them in preparation of our new Little Miss PB. In fact, we just installed a new Graco SnugRide car seat yesterday. How they relate to puppies, however, beats the heck out of me. [/corey]

    BTW: If I were looking for “puppies” (educational or otherwise), I would want them in mint condition, like my rare European stamp collection or my lacawates valtrus. Call me fussy, but perfect condition is just not perfect enough.

    BTW2: If they’re in purr-fect condition, wouldn’t they be educational kittens? ::rimshot::

    Adores: 7
    • 2013 February 28
      Aphid permalink

      Nah. These puppies are so educational that they have learned how to purr.

      Adores: 1
  7. 2013 February 28
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    Educational Puppies is the name of my Bloodhound Gang cover band.

    Adores: 11
  8. 2013 February 28

    This is just the kind of ad I always end up seeing when I search Craigslist for my Graco Roman wrestling buddy, Bob.

    Adores: 4
    • 2013 February 28
      mud "static noise" slicker permalink

      *elebenty doors!*

      Adores: 1
  9. 2013 February 28
    camille permalink

    Dear Sparkette,

    I am very interested in your educational puppies, but – as usual – I have just a few questions:

    1. Can they teach my child* cat math? As I’m sure you’re aware, cats are on the cutting edge of mathematical education, and while dogulators are cute, their mathematical abilities seem to be limited to counting how many dog biscuits you still have in your hand after giving them the first one. Do these puppies come with catulator capabilities? The conversion kits are VERY expensive.

    2. Can they teach my child* spelling? As you know, many dog breeds seem to simply leach the spelling ability right out of their owners. On the other hand, if these puppies aren’t dachshunds or chihuahuas, how are they going to be able to offer my child sufficient spelling challenges?

    3. Can they housebreak my child*? This diaper thing is getting old fast.

    *Said child is completely hypothetical and invoked only for punch line purposes. No actual children were harmed in the making of this comment.

    Adores: 15
    • 2013 February 28

      Our hypothetical children should get together for a playdate one day. :)

      Adores: 3
      • 2013 February 28
        CapnMac permalink

        Hypothetical Children is a Destiny’s Child cover band–right?

        Educational Puppies would then be a 1+2=3 Dog Night cover band, too, yes?

        So, would the play-date be at the 40waTt 2niTe?

        Adores: 5
  10. 2013 February 28
    SilvaNoir permalink

    The only thing you’d learn from my puppy is that yogurt is delicious and that all yogurt cups must be handed over to her immediately or she will climb you like a mountain goat until you surrender it. It doesn’t matter where in the house you try to hide and eat your yogurt in peace, she will find you. Also, balloons are terrifying and must be avoided at all costs.

    Adores: 5
    • 2013 February 28

      I think balloons and vacuum cleaners come from the same company, one that deals in wholesale evil secretly packaged as products that claim to be customer-friendly but are specifically engineered to be destructive to their users rather than effective in their intended purposes. This company, whose name escapes me at the moment, actually had a canine spokesman once. But there were product placement confusions that resulted in sending the spokescanine products into which the company engineers designed extra malevolence. The products designed for the spokescanine were accidentally shipped to a rottweiler-chihuahua mix in Cuba, who used the flawless products to aid in overthrowing the government. I can’t remember the name of the evil company, but the intended advertisements were documented in shorts that chronicled the hapless spokescanine’s efforts to catch a meal of Geococcyx californianus in the Desert Southwest.

      Adores: 3
      • 2013 February 28
        SilvaNoir permalink

        Mmm true. I’ve never had a dog that didn’t attempt to kill the vacuum cleaner.

        Adores: 2
        • 2013 February 28
          camille permalink

          My dog was particularly unnerved by the Roomba, which refused to retreat when barked at.

          Adores: 4
        • 2013 February 28

          Some 30+ years ago I had a dog that absolutely freaked the hell out over my hot curlers (anyone else remember those?), but loved the vacuum.

          Go figure.

          He was just one of may insane pets I’ve had over the years.

          Adores: 3
        • 2013 February 28

          One of my cats (Simon) was so scared of my espresso machine that it literally scared the crap out of him. I switched to a stovetop model, which he seems fine with.

          Adores: 2
        • 2013 February 28
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Our cat is certain that plastic bags will rustle her to death if she does not escape.

          Adores: 1
    • 2013 February 28
      mud "static noise" slicker permalink

      Perhaps you should try eating your yogurt with a balloon tied to your spoon. A balloon animal would be even better.

      Adores: 3
      • 2013 February 28

        Ewww, light yogurt?

        Adores: 4
    • 2013 February 28
      Bombdude permalink

      It doesn’t matter where in the house you try to hide and eat your yogurt in peace, she will find you. Also, balloons are terrifying

      An idea begins to form…

      Edit: And then I read farther down to realize that, as usual, Mudsy has already been there.

      Adores: 3
  11. 2013 February 28

    Some questions I would like to ask Sparky. Are all puppies educational, or only certain breeds? If all are educational, does babby get the same quality education from one breed as from another? For example, if parents want to see babby graduate some day from Vanderbilt, do they have to invest in a purebred Great Dane, or will a Mexican Hairless do? If parents are happy sending babby to a state school or even tech school, is something like a Weimeraner a waste of money? Is there a statistical correlation between certain breeds, such as the blue-tick coonhound, and the propensity for ending up in a trailer park? Finally, at what stage of babby’s development should an educational puppy be acquired? Pre-conception? Pre-natal development? Infancy? Toddler?

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 February 28
      SilvaNoir permalink

      I wouldn’t trust an education from a Great Dane. They were intentionally bred to be loveable but not too bright. Hire a Border Collie instead.

      Adores: 2
      • 2013 February 28

        My neighbor has two GIGANTIC dogs – Great Danes – and they are both about as bright as a 15 Watt bulb, but damned if they aren’t the sweetest creatures..and oh so gentle. :-)

        Adores: 2
        • 2013 February 28

          My sister has a Golden Retriever/Great Dane/assorted named Dega who is about as bright as a blown-out birthday candle, but is one of the sweetest dogs ever. He’s big enough that if he’s in the mood to cuddle with you, you will be cuddling (and getting crushed by) a hundred-plus pounds of dog whether you want to or not.

          Adores: 0
  12. 2013 February 28
    mud "static noise" slicker permalink

    [corey] Educational Puppies [/corey]

    When Laugh & Learn just doesn’t get the concept across. Watch and learn, people. Watch and learn.

    Adores: 0
  13. 2013 February 28
    Grumpy Grammy permalink

    Dear Sparky/Sparkette; I’m no expert at Craigs List (I’m afraid to post anything there in case I end up on YSAC) but I’m pretty sure you don’t get to choose your own key words. See, you list the stuff you want to sell (it helps if you learn to spell first) and then the system (Ctaigs List that is) chooses the key words that help promote your ad. So what say you try again and this time, just list the items you have for sale. And oh yes, it may help if you tell us what breed the puppies are and what makes them educational.

    Lots of love,
    Corey

    Adores: 0
    • 2013 February 28
      CapnMac permalink

      [cl corey] If you use the CL advanced search feature, you can search the internal body text as well as the listing titles. So, appending your own search term wall-of-text is a poor-person’s ‘SEO’ strategy.

      Sadly, though, doing so is predicating upon searchers being smart enough to actually use Advanced Search, and in the way intended.

      However, such antics will not help you for external, proper, search engines. This in much contrast to eBay or Amazon or Google auction/sales sites.

      Which rather suggests–to me–that Spark here is engaged in a great deal of cut-and-paste across a number of sites. The length of that list suggests–to me–that it has been saved as boilerplate, too. The lack of bothering to use the Sort feature available to almost all word processing editors also suggesting–to me–of one of those parking lot displays with a van surrounded by 3.75 vans’ worth of plush toys that decorate urban shopping malls every so often.
      [/corey]

      Adores: 0
  14. 2013 February 28
    CapnMac permalink

    Hmm, “puppies” are a term occasionally associated with [female traits 2], which can be very educational at times.

    In binary math, you learn 1 + 10 = Eyes Up Here!<slap>

    Harmonics gives us f(x) where
    cos(Θ’ – Θ) = cosΘ’cosΘ + sinΘ’sinΘ » Eyes Up Here!<slap>

    Even stipulating use of Condon-Shortley before a Laplace dance gets you
    Eyes Up Here!<slap>

    [woozy from slapping, muttering (-1)^^m for m >0 . . . ]

    Adores: 2
  15. 2013 February 28
    Ralph permalink

    I’ve had lots of teachers who were dogs, but I never considered raising my own. Is this a new iteration of No Chawawa Left Behind?

    Adores: 1
  16. 2013 March 1

    Now that it’s Friday, CJ and Not-a can come out of the box. But don’t let the educational puppies out! Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Keywords Unlimited!

    Adores: 0
  17. 2013 March 2
    Lauren permalink

    Okay, what to tag this post as….what are kids playing these days besides weenie the pooh?…..halo! Sounds good to me.

    Adores: 0
  18. 2013 March 13
    Jason permalink

    For sale: Baby shoes, never worn.

    Adores: 0

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