YSaC, Vol. 1470: His name is Ted

2013 March 15

Lifesize Cowboy mannequin

I have a lifesize cowboy. He is jointed at the knees, hips, elbows, and shoulders. He is dressed but you can change his clothes if you wish. He is good for home or car security. He is very realistic, and he will alarm anyone who enters your home. Yet, after you give him a name, your family and friend will get used to him. Then they will ask where he is if you move him. You will enjoy him and have lot of fun. Put him in your car and let him travel with you, especially if you travel by yourself. I have several different ones to choose from. Maybe you have a gameroom and want several to sit around a poker table. I will trade for something of equal or greater value, who knows send your offers in text or e-mail. I also take cash.

Let’s just pick out a few salient phrases here, shall we?

“…he will alarm anyone who enters your home.”

Yes, I think that’s pretty much a given.

“…your family and friend will get used to him…”

I’d say it’s probably safe to assume that anyone with a basement full of cowboy mannequins doesn’t have more than one friend.

“I will trade for something of equal value.”

OK – let me do the math here… I would actually PAY money to have one of these things removed from my home, preferably by serious individuals in Tyvek suits. That means that it has negative value. Which means that if this person gave me one of these cowboys, he would also have to GIVE me some money to make the equation balance.

Seems fair to me. I’ll get the Tyvek.

Thanks, Jessica!

44 Responses leave one →
  1. 2013 March 15

    Lifesize. Sigh. I want a cowboy who is bigger than life. I’m holding out for a hero.

    Adores: 16
    • 2013 March 15

      Every mannequin’s bigger in Texas.

      Adores: 6
      • 2013 March 15
        CapnMac permalink

        [apropos side note]”Big Tex” the four-story tall emblem of the State Fair of Texas, caught fire on the last day of the fair in October (electrical problem).

        Funds have been raised, and the 52′ (16m) icon of the State Fair will rise again next October in all of his semi-animatronic glory.

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Tex
        [/side note]

        Adores: 4
  2. 2013 March 15
    DigitalAxis permalink

    Oh, and I forgot to mention: He has to be bathed in human blood at midnight on every full moon, or he starts moving on his own and people start dying.

    But don’t try to destroy him, you’ll find your family need him more than they love you.

    Adores: 11
    • 2013 March 15
      Windrose permalink

      Extra points, Ralph! I love that album. *starts huming, “I fell in a Vat of Chocolate.”*

      Adores: 0
  3. 2013 March 15

    …he will alarm anyone who enters your home.

    And now, thanks to the power of the Intertubez, even those who haven’t had that dubious honor!

    Adores: 8
  4. 2013 March 15

    Is there a snake in his boot?

    Adores: 6
    • 2013 March 15
      tigprincess permalink

      TC – better in his boot than in his butt.
      Corner? Best place on a Friday!

      Adores: 1
  5. 2013 March 15

    Where is my mannequin?
    Where are his jointed knees?
    What is he wearing today?
    Where have all the cowboys gone?

    Adores: 9
  6. 2013 March 15

    He is dressed but you can change his clothes if you wish.

    Come on cowboy, let’s go party…

    Adores: 11
  7. 2013 March 15

    He is very realistic, and he will alarm anyone who enters your home

    “…especially if the intruder is a mannequin.”

    …your family and friend will get used to him

    “…especially if your family and friends are all mannequins. Mine are (see our picture, attached).”

    You will enjoy him and have lot of fun.

    “That is, if you like hanging out with someone who doesn’t argue with you, always watches the show you want to watch, doesn’t eat all the food in your fridge, is never in the bathroom when you need it, follows your lead when dancing, doesn’t hog the covers, and is a mannequin.”

    Adores: 9
  8. 2013 March 15
    CapnMac permalink

    Gack, too many earworms today–I’m fiercely focusing on Marty Robbins’ “El Paso City” for the nonce.

    I’m slightly frightened that “mannequin” is spelled correctly; but given that Spark’s basement seems to have become an over-run sweat shop of horrors, who are not letting Spark’ play in their golem games . . .

    This business of being alarmed until afixed of a name troubles a bit; and while there have been cowboys names Ezekiel or Enoch or the like, Ophanin, Erelim, or even Metatron might be stretching things an ecclesiastical bit.

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 March 15
      tigprincess permalink

      This reminds me of the first series of the new Dr Who with the wonderful Christopher Ecclestone …. mmmmhhhh!

      Adores: 1
  9. 2013 March 15

    I suppose we should be grateful that Sparky is only keeping mannequins in his basement, unless he’s in the process of trading up.

    Adores: 4
  10. 2013 March 15

    “He is very realistic” as opposed to pessimistic? Optimistic?

    Also? How does everyone get those neat quotes from the ad? Just consider me technologically challenged. 🙂

    Adores: 4
    • 2013 March 15

      Open it with “blockquote” in brackets (without the quotation marks) and close it with “/blockquote” in brackets.

      Adores: 2
      • 2013 March 15
        CapnMac permalink

        Should look like this:
        <blockquote> [quoted bit] </blockquote>

        I used the ampersand-lt-semicolon & ampersand-gt-semicolon to show angled brackets, as the stylebook tries to interpolate any use of SHIFT+, or SHIFT+.

        Adores: 1
        • 2013 March 16
          PhantomBanker permalink

          Just consider me technologically challenged. 🙂

          Me too. Been seein’ them things all the time, but too proud to admit I had no idea how. 🙂

          Edit: Yay! It worked! 🙂

          Adores: 0
  11. 2013 March 15
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    Mommas, don’t let your daughters grow up to be cowgirls that will want to buy a creepy life sized cowboy mannequins for dubious purposes.

    *on a side note, I swear I have seen this ad somewhere, maybe locally…

    Adores: 5
  12. 2013 March 15
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    I also like how he’s willing to “trade for something of equal or greater value”…can you really put a price on companionship of this caliber? Or greater value for that matter…

    Adores: 6
  13. 2013 March 15
    Windrose permalink

    *Wishes One were here to cast his eyes at the box. Not much to play with in here*

    Adores: 3
  14. 2013 March 15
    limelolly permalink

    Hey look, a life size Woody doll!

    Seriously Corner, that’s NOT what I meant.

    Adores: 11
  15. 2013 March 15
    Kaziganthi permalink

    Riding on the range,
    I’ve got my hat – on,
    I’ve got my boots – dusty.

    I’ve got my saddle
    On my horse.
    He’s called….T-t-t-t-t-trigger
    Of course.

    I wanna be a cowboy
    and you can be my cowgirl
    I wanna be a cowboy
    and you can be my cowgirl

    Adores: 5
    • 2013 March 15
      Dan permalink

      Yep – that’s where the post title came from, all right.

      Adores: 1
    • 2013 March 15
      CapnMac permalink

      That’s a Lyle Lovett song! <G>

      Adores: 0
  16. 2013 March 15

    Jefe: We have many beautiful mannikins for your birthday celebration, each one dressed differently in a surprise outfit.

    El Guapo: How many mannikins?

    Jefe: Many mannikins, many!

    El Guapo: Jefe, would you say I have a plethora of mannikins?

    Jefe: A what?

    El Guapo: A plethora.

    Jefe: Oh yes, El Guapo. You have a plethora. I found them on Craigslist.

    Adores: 6
  17. 2013 March 15
    Flavia permalink

    I’m unclear what sort of “fun” I’m to have with him? Is this some sort of failed Real Doll spinoff?

    Adores: 5
    • 2013 March 15
      MissMommyNiceNice permalink

      Obviously you could load him up for trips through the HOV lanes, just like a life-sized Spiderman, er, I mean Venom.

      Adores: 6
    • 2013 March 15
      limelolly permalink

      Sparky says they are great poker players. No tells at all.

      Adores: 7
      • 2013 March 15
        MissMommyNiceNice permalink

        Oh! Oh! You can put furry dog hats on them and have a cowdoggy poker game! All you need is a few cigars!

        Adores: 2
      • 2013 March 16

        He would be great at bridge, as long as he was the dummy.

        Adores: 1
  18. 2013 March 15

    Giving him a name will definitely make a difference. It worked for the large plushie gorilla my boss found outside one of the offices downstairs, and brought into our office. We call him Geoffrey. Everyone likes Geoffrey.

    This is absolutely 100% true.

    Adores: 4
  19. 2013 March 15
    SilvaNoir permalink

    I’m scared

    Adores: 3
  20. 2013 March 16

    Today for the first time, I am using the Wonderful, Automated Machine of Punching, or WAMP! This will cut my work in half! Literally! Now, let’s see who gets the first punch?

    *Checks box*

    Crap. At least I found the helmet! Self, Punchity Punch PUNCCCCCCCCCHHHH!
    #%$(*&@ Booooiiiinnnngggggg!

    *spits out a few teeth* Should have bought the deluxe model.

    Good Morning, Rodeo Virgins!

    Adores: 1
    • 2013 March 16
      limelolly permalink

      *picks Windy up off the floor*

      Maybe you should dial down the setting?

      Adores: 0
      • 2013 March 16
        MissMommyNiceNice permalink

        Recalibrate and live to punch another day!

        Adores: 0

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