YSaC, Vol. 1471: ACTION MOVIE

2013 March 18

ACTION MOVIE SCREENPLAY writer


We want to make an action movie. We have gear, actors- just no idea what our story should be. We need a story/screenplay for an action feature (about 90min).

OK, I know JUST how to help you out. Mad Libs! Just pick one of the choices for each option below, and you'll have a GREAT movie, I guarantee!

INTERIOR (office/secret lair/pasta factory/Hoboken), DAY

JACK, a former (policeman/space marine/secret agent/vacuum cleaner repairman) is happily married and trying to put his past behind him. He has a new job as an (accountant/ice cream truck driver/copy editor/galley slave) and 2.5 children, DAVID, SUSAN, and EDW.

JACK:
I sure am glad I have escaped my dark past!

Suddenly, JACK is attacked by (terrorists/aliens/a bear/Abe Vigoda) who kidnap his children, murder his goldfish, and force him to watch reruns of (Three's Company/Manimal/My Mother the Car/Misfits of Science). Escaping, he is forced to partner with (a woman/a cute little kid/an ugly old dog/a dinosaur/a leprechaun.)

PARTNER:
I sure do hate working with you!

JACK and PARTNER experience a series of ACTION PACKED SET PIECES. MANY THINGS explode. These things include, but are not limited to (a building/a bridge/The Queen Elizabeth II/Queen Elizabeth II/Hoboken). They learn a valuable lesson about FRIENDSHIP and WORKING TOGETHER.

PARTNER:
I sure do respect you, and enjoy working with you!

Suddenly, PARTNER is killed in a touching moment of pathos in our otherwise frenetic movie. PARTNER is killed by (an explosion/a computer virus/halitosis/ennui).

JACK (looking at crane mounted camera (you folks DO have a crane, right?)):
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Finally it is time for the CLIMACTIC SHOWDOWN in which it is revealed all along that the true bad guy is really (The Illuminati/"Weird Al" Yankovic/Those guys from the Bartles and James commercials/Zombie Adlai Stevenson).

BAD GUY:
Now I shall destroy you! Release the shark!

THE SHARK eats JACK

SHARK:
Om nom nom.

All seems lost when through a startling Deus Ex Machina, PARTNER is revealed to still be alive.

PARNTER:
Catch phrase!

PARTNER slices open THE SHARK and rescues JACK. JACK goes on a killing rampage which ends with a final exchange of (swordplay/gunfire/threatening legal documents/housewarming gifts) with the BAD GUY.

JACK:
Much better catch phrase!

The BAD GUY dies. The CHILDREN are reunited with JACK, although EDW will need years of therapy.

FADE OUT

You can just ship me my Oscar when it comes in. Thanks for the post, Stephanie!

79 Responses leave one →
  1. 2013 March 18

    Let me see, do I want to audition to play the shark or the crane?

    Adores: 5
    • 2013 March 18

      Obviously a crane-shark hybrid, with long stilt legs and a beak filled with pointy teeth. Although I'm not sure how'd you be able to hold the camera with your wings.

      Adores: 3
    • 2013 March 18
      CapnMac permalink

      Hmm, the crane needs poise an balance, and the stamina to stand on one leg only for extended amounts of time.

      The shark will require an ability to breath under water and be jumped on command.

      Lemon Curry?

      Adores: 2
  2. 2013 March 18

    ...aaaaaaaaand scene.

    Adores: 7
  3. 2013 March 18
    DigitalAxis permalink

    You forgot the female lead: The inexplicably scantily-clad and dainty polar bear burn unit nurse. Who knows Parisian Kung Fu, and uses it everywhere, including when she opens doors.

    Adores: 10
    • 2013 March 18
      CapnMac permalink

      Would that be parakeet parkour l'amore d'jour?

      Adores: 6
      • 2013 March 18

        ...de la porte.

        Adores: 4
      • 2013 March 18
        DigitalAxis permalink

        Bien sur, monsieur!

        Adores: 3
        • 2013 March 18
          Windrose permalink

          I love her already!

          Adores: 1
        • 2013 March 18

          They had you at "parakeet", didn't they?

          Adores: 4
        • 2013 March 18
          CapnMac permalink

          [spoiler alert]

          In a stunning plot twist, the avian heroine has a twin--ergo:

          pair a' parakeet parkour l’amore d’jour

          And a Taoist reptilian sidekick:
          The KaKakaKaKharma Chameleon

          [/spoiler]

          Adores: 5
  4. 2013 March 18

    I don't have time right now to do the whole script, but here's my idea for the ending.

    SPOILER ALERT

    The villain captures James Bond and, instead of gloating over the success of his evil secret plan or coming up with some Rube-Goldberg-esque way of killing Mr. Bond, just shoots him.

    Adores: 16
    • 2013 March 18
      DigitalAxis permalink

      More often than I'd like, I find myself shouting "Just shoot him, already!" at the bad guys during ridiculous action/chase sequences. and then I am reminded that it's just a show, and I should really just relax.

      Adores: 11
      • 2013 March 18

        I do that during bad horror movies when some disposable chippie is creeping around a darkened hallway and music goes all discordant.

        Adores: 6
        • 2013 March 18

          She must be scantily clad, too.

          Adores: 7
        • 2013 March 18

          Of course - don't you always put on your flimsiest nightie to go prowling around after serial killers?

          Adores: 8
        • 2013 March 18
          CapnMac permalink

          [genrecorey]well, being scantily-clad equals "less-than moral" hijinks, which requires assault by whichever sfx-enhanced entity is needed to sell more tickets.
          Only the chaste/pure/virginal survive to need several lifetimes' worth of therapy. (If they have any stain or slight, the therapy then pushes them over the edge, the better to crank out sequels, and sell merchandize, the better to keep all the parasitic parts of the "biz" in residual checks.)
          [/corey]

          Adores: 2
      • 2013 March 18

        Anyone else watch The Walking Dead and get frustrated when Andrea doesn't die, every single time?

        Adores: 4
      • 2013 March 18
        DigitalAxis permalink

        to quote Pixar's rules of Storytelling:
        #19: Coincidences to get characters into trouble are great; coincidences to get them out of it are cheating.
        http://io9.com/5916970/the-22-rules-of-storytelling-according-to-pixar

        Put another way, audiences don't like it if the hero survives purely on luck, or through a Deus Ex Machina.

        Adores: 4
        • 2013 March 18
          Windrose permalink

          Like being in a lead-lined refrigerator when the bomb goes off?

          Adores: 5
        • 2013 March 18

          What is that OH MY GOD NO WHO MENTIONED KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULLS AAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!

          Adores: 4
        • 2013 March 18

          It wasn't that bad.

          *flashback*

          Oh, hang on. Yes, it was. Sorry. As you were.

          Adores: 5
    • 2013 March 18

      No, no, no! According to the "Ways Evil Henchmen/Leaders/Cupcakes Meet Their Demise" handbook, it clearly states on page 42 that all villains must die by....let me quote this, so I'm sure I'm right - "all evil entitities in every plot ever written for the screen, must die by falling a long way."

      The handbook further states that the aforementioned falling may be "embellished with a) impalement, b) gore/splatter, or c) slow-motion photography".

      Of course, you'll have to refer to the "Ways the Good Guy Dies" handbook for ways to bump-off James Bond, although I do believe some long-winded explanation of why/how/where said bumping-off is to occur is a prerequisite.

      Adores: 6
      • 2013 March 18
        DigitalAxis permalink

        Well, that shouldn't be a problem; James Bond has done plenty of bumping in his... wait, what?

        Hello, corner!

        Adores: 7
  5. 2013 March 18
    camille permalink

    As usual, not a Tibetan Spaniel in sight. I will be boycotting this action movie.

    Adores: 7
    • 2013 March 18

      Psst! Don't tell anyone I told you, but the villian is secretly a Tibetian Spaniel named Francois.

      Adores: 6
  6. 2013 March 18

    :sets up tent in front of movie theatre box office in anticipation of opening night:

    Adores: 8
  7. 2013 March 18

    Well... I'd watch it.

    Adores: 5
    • 2013 March 18
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      Come for the My Mother the Car reruns, stay for the exploding housewarming gifts.

      Adores: 6
    • 2013 March 18
      CapnMac permalink

      meh, I'll wait for cable . . .

      Adores: 2
      • 2013 March 18

        "It's not TV, it's Craigslist."

        Adores: 3
  8. 2013 March 18
    DigitalAxis permalink

    I want someone to just get it out of our collective systems and make a movie that is just 100 minutes of nonstop explosions. Seriously, I will be disappointed if there is a single frame without a blast somewhere in it.

    I will call it "Detonation: Earth" and it will be co-directed by Roland Emmerich and Michael Bay, and star Rosario Dawson, Danny Glover (who is, by now, REALLY too old for this sh*t), and Arnold Schwarzeneggar as the nerdy scientist who accidentally sets off "The Omega Destructor".

    Adores: 9
    • 2013 March 18
      Dan permalink

      What really makes me sad is that I am currently the age Danny Glover was when he first declared himself too old for this sh*t.

      Adores: 7
      • 2013 March 18
        CapnMac permalink

        Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce!

        (For those too young to know the reference c.f. Univ. of Wallamaloo)

        Adores: 2
  9. 2013 March 18

    Speaking of movies...I watched "The Big Sleep" this weekend, and that right there is cinema.

    I was rather amused to read the reviews on it, before receiving the DVD from Blockbuster, to find that sooooo many people were thoroughly confused by the storyline.

    Granted, there are twists, turns, subplots, and more characters than can readily be kept up with, but the movie as a whole makes sense and is utterly compelling.

    I surmised that there weren't enough exploding things in it to keep the average moviegoer engaged...hence the confusion.

    *le sigh*

    Adores: 5
    • 2013 March 18
      camille permalink

      According to legend (and Wikipedia), neither the director nor the screenwriters nor Raymond Chandler knew whether the chauffeur's death was murder or suicide.

      Adores: 4
      • 2013 March 18

        Sean? The confidante or the other dude..the actual chauffeur? Because both were murder, and I doubt I'm that brilliant as to have figured it out when the author couldn't. Perhaps Mr. Chandler wanted to remain mysterious. :-)

        Adores: 4
    • 2013 March 18

      Hi CJ (waving) Was the movie anything like the novel? The novel had me enthralled; wondering whether I might enjoy the film.

      Adores: 2
      • 2013 March 18

        Bubbe...I don't know, I haven't read the novel yet. The movie had like 3 or 4 screenplay writers, though. That's usually not a good sign, but I thought it worked well.

        Besides, there's Bogey and Bacall....sigh....

        Adores: 2
        • 2013 March 18

          Old movies rock! During my recent horizontal confinement due to surgery, I divided my time between catching up on my reading and watching tv. Fortunately, my cable company has that wonderful channel, TCM, and it is sans commercials! I also caught up on Downton Abbey :D Jolly good!

          Adores: 3
        • 2013 March 18

          Hey Archie! First, glad you're feelin' fit as a fiddle now, and b) I lurrrrrrrrrrvvv me some TCM!! I watch it all the time. Sometimes, I'll turn it on in the midst of a juicy film noir and I'm hooked. Of course, since I've missed some of it I'll see if Blockbuster has it and put it in my queue for watching in all its complete glory.

          Adores: 2
        • 2013 March 19

          Thank you, dear CJ, I will be back in full fighting form in a couple months. My feet and legs needed their 100,000 mile overhaul. Soon I will be able to chase the granddaughters and actually catch them. Muahahahahaha!

          Adores: 2
  10. 2013 March 18
    kelli permalink

    Can we make an inaction movie instead? For ninety minutes, all that is on screen is a moderately attractive man lying in bed, not sleeping or reading or doing anything, just lying there with a blank expression.

    Adores: 15
    • 2013 March 18

      We can call it "Southern Baptist Pornography".

      Adores: 13
      • 2013 March 18

        Only if he's fully clothed, ghostie.

        Adores: 10
        • 2013 March 18

          And for the climax, he will take off ... his shoes!

          Adores: 9
        • 2013 March 18
          CapnMac permalink

          No, SBpr0n has no climax.
          You need to remember this is a group still discussing the morality of post-marital s*x (it could lead to dancing, in public!)

          Adores: 7
        • 2013 March 18

          :gasp!:

          Adores: 3
    • 2013 March 18
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      I loved that movie when it was called Lost in Translation.

      Adores: 6
      • 2013 March 18

        Bill Murray "moderately attractive"? If you say so.

        Adores: 4
        • 2013 March 18

          He does have a certain sad charm, a bit like a basset hound.

          Adores: 4
        • 2013 March 18
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          For small values of moderate.

          Adores: 1
    • 2013 March 18
      Dan permalink

      Have you ever seen the original Soviet "Solaris?" THAT'S an inaction movie, right there.

      Adores: 2
      • 2013 March 18
        CapnMac permalink

        Очень правда, и в тяжелый русский язык.

        Adores: 1
        • 2013 March 18
          CapnMac permalink

          Melancholia and A Second Earth come close, though, and in language as ponderous as Solaris without the elegance of idiomatic Russian profanity.

          Adores: 0
        • 2013 March 18
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          In Soviet Russia, film watch you! What a country!

          Adores: 1
      • 2013 March 18
        DigitalAxis permalink

        Then there's Star Trek: The Motionless Picture.

        What IS it about serious sci-fi that directors assume they can get away with such little activity in a movie? (I know ST:TMP isn't exactly Robert Wise's fault, of course)

        Adores: 2
    • 2017 February 14

      Very cool.I love how everything is black (pretty much) except the vest, but it doesn't look like a black outfit because, well, it is interesting. (I wear black all the time and have recently decided to embrace that fact instead of fighting it, so it's inspiring to see a black outfit that doesn't look boring or depressingly goth.)While I absolutely LOVE the tie and the jacket (they make the outfit), I'd be curious to see the rest of the outfit with some sort of military jacket (and maybe military/beret-like hat)... kind of Matrix meets G.I.Joe.

      Adores: 0
  11. 2013 March 18
    Ralph permalink

    How can you have an action movie without a car chase? I'm trying to work some into my script for "Crime and Punishment," but it's running a little long if Sparky only wants 90 minutes. I'll have to cut out more of the plot and character development, or maybe rewrite "Romeo and Juliet" again.

    Adores: 3
    • 2013 March 18
      DigitalAxis permalink

      Just replace the car with a chariot, loop in a little "Ben Hur", and Bob's your uncle. (Sorry about that, he smells like cold cream and only eats liverwurst on his sandwiches)

      Adores: 7
      • 2013 March 18
        PhantomBanker permalink

        Just as long as it's not one of those Gladiator chariots. I hear their compressed air canisters can be revealing.

        Adores: 0
  12. 2013 March 18

    IN A WORLD...

    Where film crews are in desperate need of a story...

    One aspiring screenwriter must take a stand...

    And risk EVERYTHING...

    For the chance of a lifetime.

    Coming this summer, from the people who brought you "Truck Full of Bees":

    ACTION MOVIE SCREENPLAY WRITER

    Write as if your life depended on it. BECAUSE IT DOES.

    Rated PG-13

    Adores: 23
    • 2013 March 18
      DigitalAxis permalink

      I'll just leave this here:

      The Comedian
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVDzuT0fXro

      Adores: 4
    • 2013 March 18
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      We have to keep typing at at least 50 words per minute, or the screenplay will EXPLODE!

      Adores: 10
      • 2013 March 18
        DigitalAxis permalink

        A ha ha! I have secretly replaced his spellcheck library with a Flemish-language one! He will NEVER produce a properly written screenplay now, and I! I shall be clear to take over ALL of Paramount Pictures, as soon as the studio folds! Muahahaha!

        Adores: 5
        • 2013 March 18

          Oooh, nice evil laugh. Have you been working with a vocal coach?

          Adores: 4
        • 2013 March 18
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          It's about standards.

          Adores: 3
        • 2013 March 18
          camille permalink

          I've secretly replaced your Flemish-language spellcheck library with Folger's coffee crystals. Let's see if anyone can tell the difference!

          Adores: 8
        • 2013 March 18
          CapnMac permalink

          Dunno, most Ashton Kutcher movies seem to be written with a Hungarian to Walloon to Engrish word processing & diction+spellcheck lash-up . . .

          Which seems to attract enough tweenish able to wheedle parental dosh & taxi service sufficient to keep the studios in gluten-free whole-grain wheat wi' nae tribble'ta'll.

          Adores: 2
  13. 2013 March 18

    Don't forget this deleted scene for the Blu-ray edition:

    Interior. Day. JACK is seated at a cozy-looking table in a home/coffee shop/therapist's office with an attractive woman with extraordinarily large eyes/hair/hooters/all of the above. Woman fumes.

    Woman: legitimate relationship complaint!

    JACK: Macho nonsensical retort!

    They embrace madly, heading right for the shower/bedroom/corner.

    Adores: 13
    • 2013 March 18

      JACK: If I had wanted your opinion, I'd have asked for an opinion sandwich!

      Adores: 7
      • 2013 March 18

        Woman: Oh, no! My clothes have mysteriously caught on fire!

        JACK: I will heroically smother the flames using my body!

        :JACK does so, knocking over a table (which explodes) and dodging a hail of gunfire in the process:

        Adores: 11
    • 2013 March 18
      Windrose permalink

      Woman fumes smell like roses and fresh-baked cookies, right?

      Adores: 5
      • 2013 March 18
        CapnMac permalink

        Dunno, Fuming woman oft suggests of Brimstone, laserdeatheyes; the stunning sound after a lightning bolt striking under 20m away, and GoodnesthwartedbyevilIncarnate.

        Adores: 3
  14. 2013 March 18
    CapnMac permalink

    00:00 [roll film]
    Image of Galaxy FTB.

    Words appear, as if typed or called into existence by a Mage or an AC+2 Word Processor.

    The Entire Story is revealed, the stunning climax, and Life, The Universe, and Everything.

    FTB
    01:00 [roll title] *

    Music swells
    Stuff Happens
    Many words by many people in many places
    Leave ending hanging.

    89:00 [roll credits]

    _______________________________________
    *Note--double edged dramatic sword here, only the nerds & geeks who get to the show early will know the ending, so they'll all have fansites & fora up to lampoon the boors and dufuses who always come in late.

    Adores: 2
  15. 2013 March 18

    Well, this is very nice. Looks like everyone cleaned up after themselves in the baux yesterday. Thank you very much!

    *gets out the crock pot*

    I think I'll make some nice chicken barley soup.

    Adores: 2
  16. 2013 March 18
    PhantomBanker permalink

    I'm assuming there's a salary, right? I mean, don't all the high-paying film producers use Craigslist to look for quality writers instead of, oh idk, trade magazines or Hollywood connections?

    Adores: 1
  17. 2013 March 19

    Archie, you always class up the place when you are in the box! Of course, the bar is kinda low on that activity, but still. You are a class act! Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Future Spielbergs!

    Adores: 1
  18. 2013 March 19
    ArchedEyebrows permalink

    Why thank you, Windy. What a lovely thing to say. :) On an overcast day here, you've given me a spot of sunshine.

    Adores: 1

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