YSaC, Vol. 1472: I am the passenger.
I NEED A RIDE TO WORK ANYTIME I HAVE TO WORK
I just got a job at the shell station in [location] and its a 1.16 mile from my house and the bus doesnt go there. its close but its going to start getting cold soon so i need a ride to and from work. i need someone very reliable who wont flake or get me to work late or not pick me up. it would be all hours even graveyard shift so it needs to be someone with a very open schedule. will pay 60 a month. please have valid liscence and clean driving record.
Huh. Let me do some math here. You want a ride to AND from work. Every day. That you are willing to pay $60 for. So that works out to about 1$ per ride.
Well, that’s OK, I guess. After all – it is getting cold soon. Let me just check one thing…
(One trip to The Weather Channel later.)
Did you know that during the COLDEST month of the year, the average overnight low in [location] is 44 degrees Fahrenheit? In other words, the worst possible weather you could have to walk in is a temperature that Minnesota won’t reach as a HIGH for another month or so?
Get walkin’, Sparky.
Thanks for the post, MB!
I am often thirsty, but find walking fifteen feet to the fridge to be very tiresome. I would like to hire someone to fetch me drinks (and maybe the occasional snack) out of my fridge. You must be available at all hours and have clean shoes. I will pay up to sixty oboes a month for this service.
I am very snarky, but typing tires my fingers very quickly. I need somebody to type out comments on YSaC. You must be available at all hours and be funny. All you need to do is type the comment, and I’ll click “Submit” when you’re done. This is an unpaid position but will look awesome on your resume.
Ghostie, Alfred Pennyworth on Line 1 for you.
He’s hired! Tell him to bring the cape.
[turning off lurking field]
Looking at Amazon, an oboe sells for over $1000. I’d probably get less selling them wholesale, but 60 oboes a month is still a generous offer. I think I’ll quit my current job and go work for ghostie. First I have to stop at the shoe store, though.
Oh wait, ghostie said “up to”. I’d probably only get an oboe polishing cloth per month.
If you called me Princess Ghostie, I would probably spring for a reed as well 🙂
[Corey]If you’re buying an oboe on Amazon, you deserve what you get. $1,000 will get you a cheap student instrument of dubious quality. A quality professional oboe will easily run you five times that.[/Corey]
But they make nice prison shivs.
Possibly related: Oboe players are great to have around when you’re traveling in sketchy areas, because they’re always armed. I owe my life (okay, probably a just few pounds) to an old high school classmate of mine, who foiled a mugging attempt with her oboe knife in Britain.
Or you can spend almost 8x as much and get one made with Carbon Fiber.
Not as cool as the Cellos made with CF, but still rather cool.
Everyone in Britain is armed with a knife, not just the oboe players. Knifecrime Island, they call it.
Don’t most [locations] have these things, whadayacallem, taximeter cabriolets? Or maybe during his/her recent period of unemployment, Sparky saw that DeNiro movie and got all spooked.
Yes. Much better to offer a pittance to a random stranger with a car and lots of time on their hands.
Stupid Minnesota. (Sick of this weather)
My parents always told me that I was a special snowflake, so surely someone will be glad to be my cut-rate, on-call cab driver.
Think you’re so clever? Try walking 1.16 miles in Sparky’s shoes. Then you’ll see why Sparky can’t walk to work. Because you’ll have his shoes, you thief.
Similar to what I heard once – forgive the lack of citation, as I heard it a really long time ago and can only paraphrase.
Before criticizing somebody for their life choices, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then criticize away – ’cause hey, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey from SNL.
Addendum: Must drive a newer car with working heater and AC, tinted windows, and heated seats. Convertible would be awesome but not required. Sound system must be top notch, I will provide the CDs. If willing to wear chauffeur’s uniform, will tip generously each month.
Momentarily setting aside the obvious laziness of Mister Sparks here, there’s a certain irony in not having transportation to your job at a business that sells vehicle fuel.
And is he (?) really going to be taking home enough to justify the $60 outlay?
1.16 miles is not an unwalkable distance; I live two miles from my office and often walk it. Alternatively, there’s this amazing new invention called the bicycle.
Sparky can’t be showing up at no Shell station riding a bicycle! That’d be like taking your lunch break at Whole Foods with a Big Mac combo meal.
Mmmmm, Big Mac!
Put that $60/month to good use and go buy a used Isetta. If it was good enough for Urkel, it’s good enough for Sparky.
This has future serial killer’s victim written all over it. Nutjobs like Dahmer wouldn’t have to feign sanity, meet somebody, break the ice, gain person’s trust, and find out how to get said person alone to commit dastardly deeds.
Take me for a ride in your car car.
You say “graveyard shift”, I say lunch break.
I had to drive in 4 inches of slushy snow to an overnight shift a few towns away. I have no sympathy for Sparky and his 44-degree-at-coldest climate. This week has the first day of Spring, but it sure doesn’t feel like it.
[extremely long, vitriolic, frothing rant on metropolitan transit planning in reality as opposed to the lotus-smoking ivory-tower dwelling self-anointed Brahmin’s version of “reality” ]
{suppressed}
[/rant]
You had me at ‘rant on metropolitan transit planning,’ Cap’n. /bromance
Get a bus, you two!
Only if it makes regular stops at multi-modal transit hubs with easy access to non-motorized greenway networks.
*looks frantically for decoder ring*
They’re called layers. Learn ’em, live ’em, love ’em.
He won’t have time to take care of layers, what with working all day. Although he could sell the eggs at the station.
Sparky: I need a recliner to sit in behind the counter.
Boss: O_O
Sparky: I should stand but I’m gonna get tired soon.
Boss: You would just have to be jumping up all the time to help customers.
Sparky: I know, right? So I’ll have them just toss the money behind the counter.
Boss: (.beginning to hyperventilate) You’d still have to get up to make change.
Sparky: *snort* Make change? Yeah…no. Way too much hassle.
Boss: I don’t… You can’t…
Sparky: Dude! Why are you stabbing me repeatedly?
Boss: For the good of mankind.
Yes.
This is why job postings should include
Responsibilities:
* …
* Actually do the above things
You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out….
That what it’s all about.
If you walk briskly, you won’t feel the cold.
Taxi!
TC and Rebecca, I am pleased as punch to award you this Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Red Rider!
“red rider”? Is that a euphemism for that time of the month?