YSaC, Vol. 1476: 100 Arms to Hold You
Now, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but the following ad uses correct grammar, punctuation, spelling, and English usage. You might, in fact, think there’s nothing wrong with it.
CASH for house centipedes
Wanted: Scutigera coleoptrata, also known as House Centipedes are one of the top five most asked about bugs in America. They are common in basements or any cool, slightly moist building. Out of the corner of your eye, you may suspect you’re seeing a mouse scurry across the floor. These are speedy and, like other centipedes, just slightly venomous. Despite being common, they are very seldom seen. Healthy live specimens needed. Will pay cash on the spot.
Thanks.
Nope. Nothing wrong with that at all.
Yerch.
I’m sort of curious as to the “top five” list this person is referring to. I tried to Google for it, and all I found was this. Warning: Do not under any circumstances click on that. Seriously. Don’t.
Thanks for the post, Peter!
*ignores Ostrimu’s warning*
*Click!*
AYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Be right back, I have to go buy some Raid and a nuke.
None of them live in Alaska (yet), another reason why I love Alaska!
If that’s a link to the Human Centipede movie I’ve already seen it. In any case, not clicking.
I’m thinking this is either a dedicated researcher, looking into the curative powers of centipede venom (holy crap! They’re venomous? No wonder little cat got all trippy after she ate one)
Or
This is a very articulate sociopath looking for a novel way to dispatch his/her next victim. Maybe Dexter got sick of cleaning up all that blood.
*grabs flashlight and heads to dark corner of shed (we don’t have basements in Texas)*
1, 2, 3, 45678910…dammit, it got away!
Ooh…there’s another one…12345678, 9, 10, 11…shit!
How the hell am I supposed to count the feet to confirm it’s a centipede?
What do they call daytime screaming heebie-jeebies? Caused by clicking through the Ostrimu’s link? I’ve got them (the SHJs) and need a cure. Before bedtime. Today. Please. Please. Please.
The only cure I know – move to Alaska, we don’t have any of them here. Or there is Windrose’s raid and a nuke.
Dear Minion,
The dungeon is still too friendly, probably as a result of my unfortunate accident while developing Dr. Maleboge’s Ultimate Bug-Bomb. (it was supposed to ADD, not subtract; unfortunately SOMEONE reversed the polarity of the neutron flow)
We need a more authentic dungeony feel to it. Perhaps you should IMPORT some bugs, rather than simply leaving out food down there. It’s disconcerting to see healthy-looking steaks sitting on the floors week after week.
With foreboding,
Dr. Maleboge
You do realize that if you provide a link and then tell us not to click, we have no choice but…
OMGWTFISTHATKILLITKILLITWITHFIRE!!!1!11!!!!!
I made it all the way to the end without watching any of those videos and came upon this:
Ostrimu, please take note. That’s sound advice right there.
Must … Resist … Clicking … Linky…
:click:
Okay, I’m never sleeping again.
We are just too damned curious for our own good.
I have successfully refrained from clicking the linky.
Apparently I’ve got waaaay more self-control than the rest of you.
Or cracked.com is blocked by my IT Nazis.
Definitely one of those.
Where I work, the IT Daleks used to block cracked.com and even my personal blog. We could get to Westboro Baptist Church’s site just fine, though.
The list starts with the giant Japanese flesh-melting hornets and gets worse from there.
Dave, interestingly enough, Pastor Phelps is mentioned in the article.
Dear Unusually Well-Educated Sparky:
You want ’em, YOU catch ’em.
Yeah, that’s the thing that really gets me here. Okay, I’m going to presume that Dr. Sparky has some legitimate purpose for them, or alternatively is doing an all-insect kingdom version of the Island of Dr. Moreau. But I had these suckers when I lived in Pittsburgh, and I have to say, it was near impossible just to smash them into tiny bits (in thy mercy). I cannot fathom trying to capture them relatively intact. This would turn into a one-man Three Stooges routine.
Wait, does that mean they have to have a physical & stuff? If I have some in a jar, how do I know one of ’em doesn’t have a cold or something?
Ok, centipede, this is gonna be a little awkward and uncomfortable, but I need you to turn your head and cough. Don’t worry, it’s for science.
Probably.
Just ignore the cameras, I’m just recording this for posterity. You absolutely won’t see the footage on the next Arthropods Gone Wild DVD.
I see nothing wrong here. People study bugs, it’s their job. Sometimes they have trouble finding specimens to do that, so they offer to buy them off people. At my old University there was someone who would give you a bottle of wine in exchange for preying mantises that you found.
/corey /endcorey
Hi Kate!
I believe you dropped these ^^^^.
Corey? This is bordering on Matt-ilda…
Awesome, I’ve got enough mantids around my house to bankrupt a small winery!
What’s the going rate for earwigs?
Cockroaches anyone? I’ve got all sizes … not sure of sexes and no I don’t want to know how to tell them apart.
Why couldn’t it be lady bugs? Everyone thinks they’re so sweet and innocent. Well they’re not! They invade my house like the plague and drown themselves in my bedtime glass of water! Not the way I wanted to wake up, you stinking drowning beetle! Now get out of my light globe, I’m trying to sleep!
Just keep a pile of aphids in a jar nearby, and they will all go over there.
Hey now, watch where you are herding those things.
Come one Sparky, come all Sparkies! I’ve got yer hobo spiders right here!
They’re seldom seen because they like to hide behind you.
And centipedes are NOT bugs, grumble grumble.
*Sets up first nuke aimed in Ralph’s direction*
House Centipedes is IF’s arthropod Daft Punk cover duo. Not to be confused with Spiderillex, because ugh.
Centipedes eat cockroaches. They’re one of the very few predators that can get through the roach egg cases. Maybe Sparky lives in a NYC apartment and his landlord won’t pay for extermination.
:ding-dong!:
Yes?
I’m here about the roaches.
What th…
Look, you knew when you signed the lease that the owner was big on natural pest control.
Yes, but …
So I could bring in hundreds of centipedes to get rid of the roaches, only to have to come back later to bring a flock of birds to eat the centipedes, and then a bunch of cats to get rid of the birds, and so on. I’m just skipping to the end. :hands over leash: Here’s your lion.
But that’s a tiger!
Same difference.
I know an old lady who swallowed a fly….
You called, Ghostie?
This is basically the B plot of one of my favorite episodes of Studio 60.
*Pushes huge cart up ADA required ramp into the Lounge*
Wow, eBay had a huge sale on nukes with a special fogger attachment! Now, can someone help me glue all these legs on these earthworms, so I can pay for the equipment?
Phantom Banker, if you are on Facebook, look me up! Demi Hungerford. Be sure to tell me who you are here. I don’t friend just anybody, you know. Well, except for the folks here. Where was I? Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Arthropods Anonymous!
“……. …../ ” Suddenly a wild centipede passes through
……. ⊙ ⊙
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I don’t usually comment on old posts, but this time I couldn’t resist.
I have a catch and release policy with most bugs, and I’ve tried once or twice to relocate house centipedes that were freaking out my kids. They are so fragile, they practically desintigrate when you touch them. I just instruct the kids to ignore them now as they never bother anyone, but hunt household pests like cockroaches and silverfish. If this person wants healthy, live specimens, they really need to post detailed instructions on how to catch them without destroying them.