The Worst of 2014!

What can we say about 2014 in Craigslist? There was poor speeling. There were bad punctuation’s. There were giant capybaras rampaging through downtown Tokyo. OK, maybe not, but there SHOULD have been. Stupid capybaras. Slacking off all the time, failing to destroy Tokyo. Despite that, here’s the worst of the year, and because we still continue to love you, our readers, they are arranged in one large, easy-to-scroll page, without clickbait. As always, be sure to click through to the comments, because our readers really are the funniest part of the site.

Without further ado, and in no order other than chronological, here’s the absolute worst Craigslist posts of 2014.

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YSaC, Vol. 1647: Hey Mr. Spaceman

Somewhere, deep in the New Mexico desert…

“Major, we’ve got a problem.”
“What’s that?”
“We’ve run out of leads on finding new aliens to hide from the American public.”
“How is that possible? It’s pretty much been ET central around here since Roswell.”
“Mostly, I think it’s because of the new checked baggage fees – most alien species won’t put up with that crap.”
“Damn. OK, activate plan Baker Nine.”
“We can’t, sir – we’re out of strawberry custard.”
“Baker Ten?”
“Won’t work in an even numbered year.”
“Baker Eleven?”
“Sorry, sir – Abe Vigoda is actually still alive.”
“OK, fine – just leave me alone and go put an ad on Craigslist or something.”

Need ET’s For Questionare

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Answer Questions for Survey

Questions asked by Earth-born Human and needs voluntary information via scientific survey. Survey is specifically designed for “non-Earth” humans and/or humanoids. Survey has a range of topics. Please use anonymous email and send your email link.

Your participation is strictly anonymous (at least from my point of view…)

Will wish to meet you as part of this survey (in public or private location.)

Yes, this survey is only for ‘extraterrestrials’ and does not wish to interview native Earth born humans.

Thanks for the post, Kim!

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YSaC, Vol. 1666: Ipsum Quod in Vas

Just to start with – this was posted nowhere near California.

Historic Tablecloth used for Royalty coronation

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Tablecloth used for coronation (California)
OK this probably not the place to post an item like this but you never know. It was est value at the hungarian national museum was $12,000,000.00 back in 1990, But since museums do not buy things and I am in no position to donate this item I am selling it for a fair price, will entertain offers, It will probably sell to someone who loves history and royalty. This is the tablecloth with napkins that was used for English Royalty to the Queen of Bohemia to the Eszterhazy Hungarian Royals to the Habsburgs to the coronations of Franz Joseph to many Royal weddings. Entertaining offers, will consider a little trading for items i want. The Coat of Arms has many things incorporated with it, from the chesholm clan of scotland to the royals of England to the Polish Royalty to Queen of Bohemia to the Habsburgs to Hungarian Royalty. You will never see such detail and so many things sewn into this masterpiece, its a big item. No worn areas, no soft areas, its in wonderful shape. Could be framed in a large high room and the napkins can be in smaller frames on the wall. I will be moving back to Europe so will be selling many things, from art to interesting items to some of my classic cars. I collect very old books and art and silver or any noble metal gold. I can also trade up if its something incredible. Not everyday can you own such a grand historic item that was used by the holy roman empire. Serious Only Please, Please no wasting anybodies time.

It was also posted nowhere near Hungary, England, Bohemia, Scotland, Poland, or Hapsburgia. What’s that you say? There IS no such place as Haspburgia? I say it’s just as believable as the REST of this ad. Plus, “Hapsburgia” is objectively a fun word to say.

Still, I’d kind of like to see this coat of arms. If it combines elements of the coats of arms of the Esterhazys, England, Poland, Bohemia, Scotland, Clan Chesholm, and the Holy Roman Empire, not to mention the Hapsburgians, then at the very least it’s going to have to contain a griffon, a lion, a unicorn, an eagle, another lion, a double-headed eagle, any number of random crowns and stripes, a few more random lions and unicorns, the golden fleece, and a pig’s head on a stick. (I am not making this up.)

This thing must be enormous. Then again – if it was used by the entire Holy Roman Empire, that’s a lot of people to sit at one tablecloth. Even if you’re just serving them Hapsburgers and fries.

Thanks for the post, Camille!

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YSaC, Vol. 1700: And the Rory goes to…

$710 / 2br – Nice Quiet Neighborhood – pass through the following day

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2BR / 2Ba duplex
cats are OK – purrr dogs are OK – wooof
Northside 2 Bedroom 2 Story Duplex,
Spacious Kitchen, Hardwood Floors,
Near Transportation! $710

twenty-four hours on it to this sauce with salt and pour the cauliflowers till it all down some boiling fat, and of water; and, half-an-hour in salted water whenever it out, and cook some slices of the slices of minced veal; cook gently in Belgium. Add then some ground rice in the great care that

I don’t usually cook slices of slices of minced veal in Belgium. I prefer to cook them in a nice bubbling pot of Guinea-Bissau. Although once you’ve taken the veal, minced it, sliced that, and then sliced THAT, you’re essentially dealing with individual veal molecules. (Chemical Symbol:Ve) Still, there’s nothing that says “place I want to live” like “boiling fat.”

Thanks for this oddity, Ted!

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YSaC, Vol. 1703: It’s a-me, Frohike!

“Hey Scully?”
“Yes Mulder?”
“I think I’ve uncovered another big conspiracy. It’s..”
“No, don’t tell me in a normal voice. Shout it! And while you’re at it, do your best Mario impression.”

WHAT A THEY SPRAYING???

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PICS 12:15 AND BACK ALUMINUM? BARIUM? LOOK UP

I’d better look this up. Let’s see… book of Pics, Chapter 12, Verse 15… here it is:

“And lo, they did look unto the heavens, and they did see white traces emblazoned on the sky, and they did tremble with fear, and they cried out ‘Aluminum?’ ‘Barium?’ unto the Lord. And the Lord spake unto them, and he did say, ‘It’s water vapor condensing from jet exhausts, dumbasses.'”

This endeth the reading.

Thanks for the link, Randy!

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YSaC, Vol 1717: Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?

BLUE NOISE (PUPPY)

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HELLO I HAVE A 1 YEAR OLD BLUE NOISE . GREAT WITH CHILDREN AND OTHER DOGS. PLEASE EMAIL ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU MORE INFO AND PICS

THANK YOU

Ah Blue Noise. The legendary jazz/punk label was founded in the heady year of 1982, when Lester “Chicken Lips” Jones was released from his contract with Atlantic records. Known for being able to solo brilliantly over the extremely difficult “Giant Steps” changes despite being unable to do so over a 12-bar blues, Chicken Lips was deemed unemployable by the jazz establishment.

This anti-establishment mentality was a perfect fit for a partnership with Sid Rotten, a wanna-be British punk rocker from Topeka, Kansas who shared the Sex Pistols’ gift for petty larceny and self-destruction, but had nowhere near their instrumental or vocal prowess. After rejecting “Rotten Lips” as the name of their record company due to trademark infringement, the two settled on Blue Noise, and went on to release some of the least significant Jazz Punk music of the 1990s, including the Dead Kenny Burrells, Off Minor Threat, and Rancidney Bechet.

The label eventually dissolved after Jones and Rotten got into a shouting match over whose turn it was to go for doughnuts, and the assets were sold off for a dollar on Craigslist.

Thanks for the opportunity for the history lesson, Ralph!

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YSaC, Vol. 1718: Love seat, baby, love seat!

5 foot maroon love seat willing to listen to offers – $125 (Lincoln)

There’s some text with this one, but it’s not important. This is a 5 foot maroon love seat willing to listen to offers, folks — do you realize how rarely 5 foot maroon love seats are willing to entertain offers? Usually they just hang out and insist that you go see the movie THEY want to see, just like last weekend when they asked what you wanted to do and you said that you really wanted to go see “The Fault in Our Stars” and the 5 foot maroon love seat didn’t respond at all and then about five minutes later said, “Let’s go see the X-Men movie.” Or the time you tried to get it to realize that its flirting really upset you, and it promised it would take your feelings into account, only for you to find it at the bar hanging out with that ottoman from down the street. Or the time you tried to get the 5 foot maroon love seat to stop invading the Ukraine, and it said it was totally listening to you and it wasn’t building up its military forces on the border, but it actually was anyway and then went ahead and invaded even though you asked it very nicely not to.

So this 5 foot maroon love seat is different, see?

Thanks, Amy!

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YSaC, Vol. 1726: I’m pink, therefore I’m Spam.

Good evening, and welcome to “Ask Mister Philosophy Person.” Today’s question on “Ask Mister Philosophy Person” is “What is the nature of the self?”

The nature of the self has been debated for as long as there have been philosophical debates, which has to have been since at least, what, last Tuesday? Something like that. Descartes famously said “Cogito, Ergo Sum” which literally translated means, “How much for this box of toaster waffles?” Later, David Hume opined that the self is merely a bundle of perceptions linked by causality and similarity. Also duct tape. More recently, William James divided the self into four parts: the material self, the social self, the spiritual self, and pure ego. Not sure why these waffles keep cropping up. Contemporary philosophers of the self generally fall into two camps, the reductive and the non-reductive, but keep fighting over whose turn it is to use the trailer hookup, since the two camps share facilities.

In short, the self is an illusive topic, about which we may never have definitive…

SELF – $5

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Little dirty i can clean it.Email if interested.

Oh. Well, there you go then.

Thanks for the post, Elizabeth!

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YSaC, Vol. 1742: Two out of seven’s not bad.

[Warning: if you are easily offended, you’re on the wrong website AND you might not want to read the post below.]

Free frig

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I’m giving my frig away. It’s really the only frig I’ve ever given. If you’d like to frig, its free to pick up, outside of [location]. Please, come get it, its the only frig I have

I’m not really looking for a frig right now. I’ve been looking for a damn for a while, but nobody ever seems to have those to give away. Or a shit. I’d settle for a crap, but even those don’t get given very often. There’s lots of fucks out there though, and unlike shits and craps, nobody ever seems to take those.

I’ll show myself to the corner.

Thanks, Ralph!

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YSaC, Vol. 1747: With apologies to Rob Van Winkle

OLD ELECTRIC CLOTHES PRESSURE – $30

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VENTAGE ELECTRIC CLOTHES PRESSURE WOKS WELL 27″ wide 50 YRS OLD

dun dun dun da da dun dun,
da dun dun dun da da dun dun…

Pressure,
Pushing down on pants,
Pushing down on shirts,
no man has worn

Under pressure,
That gets your seams all flat
takes your wrinkles out
can leave scorch marks

It’s the terror of knowing
This machine has a mouth,
The knobs look like eyes
Screaming “Let Me Out!”

Thanks for this scary appliance, Susan!

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YSaC, Vol. 1781: Of all the vodka joints, in all the towns…

MOROCCO TILE WALL ART PICTURE / TRIVET – $10

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POCTOB BELHKTLI. A genuine ceramic tile with a glossy finish. This art tile has a picture of a temple I believe. This was made to be used as a wall hanger or trivet. Wonderfully crafted and charming piece. 6 inches Wide X 12 inches tall… including metal frame

[EXT., DESERT RUNWAY]

Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do the cooking for both of us. Well, I’ve done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing: you’re getting on that plane with Vladimir where you belong.

But, Rostislav, no, I… I…

Now, you’ve got to listen to me! You have any idea what you’d have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, we’d both wind up as sous chefs in a cheap Wolfgang Puck knockoff chain.

You’re saying this only to make me go.

I’m saying it because it’s true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Putin. You’re part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that soufflé hits the ground and you’re not with him to catch it, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

But what about us?

We’ll always have these burn scars on our fingertips. It doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little short order cooks doesn’t amount to a hill of beans. More of a small pile, really. Like half a can. Someday you’ll understand that. Here’s looking at you, comrade.

спасибо, Rachel!

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YSaC, Vol. 1783: The May Queen is spring cleaning early this year. Or late.

Stairway to Heaven- FREE

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50% of the official ‘stairway to heaven’ and it’s free for the taking. Certificate of Authenticity available upon request. [location] at my curbside

There’s a Sparky whose stairs
Are outside growing mold
And he’s selling the stairway
on Craigslist.

When he posts it he knows
Before they decompose
With an ad he can get
Them all taken.

Thanks, Ralph!

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YSaC, Vol. 1797: Gotta get movin’ to a clown that’s right for me.

safety issue

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Is it safe, to allow your kids to eat candy flavored chap stick?

My son, eats about 3 containers a day, of various flavored lip balm sticks. He particularly likes the blueberry flavored chap sticks.

He says they give him super powers. So idk? He did survive being hit by a moped, and he didn’t break a bone. And the clowns moped was totaled. So I’m beginning to wonder.

Chapstick Connoisseur is my Lipps, Inc. cover band.

What super powers would chapstick consumption convey? The ability to …

Okay, wait a minute. Seriously — you just know that the dancers in that video have had nightmares about this gig ever since, especially the poor girl designated the lead funky-seeker. I mean, she is not in any way funky, and she could really use an escort to somewhere that would provide her with the recommended daily allowance of funky to ameliorate her funkyless condition, but I’m not sure this was the best way to entice someone who has an excess of funky and the means to provide transport to allow her to accompany them on their journey.

I seem to have gotten distracted. Look, a clown on a moped! *crash* oops.

Thanks, mc l!

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…and that’s it. Our final “Worst of the Year” for YSaC. We’ve had a lot of fun writing the site, and you, the readers have really been the best part. Please feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments here, or on the individual posts. Thanks for reading!