{"id":1705,"date":"2009-04-22T08:01:52","date_gmt":"2009-04-22T11:01:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.yousuckatcraigslist.com\/?p=1705"},"modified":"2011-07-24T22:15:34","modified_gmt":"2011-07-25T02:15:34","slug":"ysac-vol-287","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.yousuckatcraigslist.com\/?p=1705","title":{"rendered":"YSaC, Vol. 279: I can has vampire?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

Searching for a vampire – m4m<\/h2>\n
\n

So I’m in desperate search of a vampire. Its been 19 long years and through all my effort to find one, you all still seem to evade me. Though I’m truly not surprised at all. I mean I know that you guys generally don’t associate with humans and view us rather as prey, but I had hoped that I would have ran into at least one of you by now. Guess, If you guys don’t want to be found you wont. I’m particularly sure that my search was unsuccessful because I manly searched in the day and lord knows you guys hate the sun. I would have searched at night but I have to sleep and I think I would like rather suspicious roaming dark alleys,tunnel ways,and god knows what other sources that hold the dark well at 3am. So I think this is my last resort. If your a vampire please,please contact me! Male or female is fine.
\nI no longer wish to be a pathetic human. I want to become a child of the night. I know the transition of going from human to vampire can be rather difficult. From being bite, dying, reawakening as a child of the darkness,getting used to your fangs, so on and so fourth. But I’m very willing to go through it all to shed this pathetic existence as a mortal. I’m willing to leave my family,friends,and old life behind to become one of you. I’m thinking that perhaps you can bite me in my house, and while I’m passed out, put my body in the shower and turn it on. Maybe that way it will look like I slipped,fell,and died. Then call 911 and alert the police.(Your a vampire so its not like any human will be able to trace the call back to you,let alone find you). They take my body to the morgue,put me in the fridge,have my funeral a few days later and you come that night and dig me back up. Hopefully I should be awake by then.(How long does it take for the whole vampire process to be complete. Is it instantaneous?) I figure a proper funeral will give my family some closure,rather than me just disappearing.
\nI also don’t have a lot of money,so I’m probably going to have to take my coffin with me, so I’ll have somewhere to sleep in the day(unless we just wonder from place to place). I figure a good source of payment for having to go through all of this will be you biting me and having a free meal of my blood. I really would like to follow you for a few months so I can get the do’s and dont’s of our lifestyle. I’ve heard its hard out there for a new vampire on his own. So If you think you are able to help me out please contact me. I’m sure you can find me no problem.<\/p>\n

P.S- If you turn into a bat to get into my house,please fly upstairs and into the room on the left and just hang on the wall till I get home. Nobody goes in there and MAKE SURE ITS THE ROOM ON THE LEFT! If my aunt sees you, she will literally have a heart attack and hit you with a broom.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Yep, the whole “having to sleep” thing really puts a crimp in your vampire-searching style, doesn’t it? <\/p>\n

I think the worst part about becoming a vampire would be the “getting used to your fangs” part. I mean, you’d be biting your own lip all the time, and you’d have to wait for the calluses to build up on your cheeks like when you get braces for the third time because you never wore your retainer. <\/p>\n

I wonder if vampires ever have to get braces to keep their fangs straight? There must be vampire orthodontists<\/a>. Nothing would be worse than a vampire with an overbite.<\/p>\n

Unless it’s being a vampire and being hit with a broom. Thank goodness our poster thought of that contingency and warned against it. It’s the ROOM ON THE LEFT, for heaven’s sake!<\/p>\n

I think someone’s been reading a little too much of the Twilight<\/em> series. Here’s something I don’t get — how come Buffy never shows up in the Twilight series? I mean, she’s a vampire slayer, right? SHE’S SUPPOSED TO SLAY VAMPIRES. What, just because Willow has a new gig, she’s not fighting evil anymore? … Or maybe Neil Patrick Harris is really a vampire, and Willow is just biding her time until she can slay him. Okay, that makes sense. <\/p>\n

Well, about as much sense as this Craigslist post, anyway. <\/p>\n

Sent in by “Nuclear Mosquito” (speaking of vampires …) — thanks!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Searching for a vampire – m4m So I’m in desperate search of a vampire. Its been 19 long years and through all my effort to find one, you all still seem to evade me. Though I’m truly not surprised at all. I mean I know that you guys generally don’t associate with humans and view […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[68],"tags":[25,61,9,11],"class_list":["post-1705","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-strictly-platonic","tag-maybe-its-just-me","tag-punctuationally-challenged","tag-unclear-on-the-concept","tag-wtf"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.yousuckatcraigslist.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1705","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.yousuckatcraigslist.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.yousuckatcraigslist.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.yousuckatcraigslist.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.yousuckatcraigslist.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1705"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/www.yousuckatcraigslist.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1705\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1708,"href":"http:\/\/www.yousuckatcraigslist.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1705\/revisions\/1708"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.yousuckatcraigslist.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1705"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.yousuckatcraigslist.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1705"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.yousuckatcraigslist.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1705"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}