YSaC, Vol. 1741: The Fast and the Spurious

2014 August 11

1998 Honda Civic Es Special eSport Editions – $1000


1998 Honda Racing Civic fuel : gastransmission : manual title status : clean
The car es in goo conditionss
Its fast and furios looking
Much JDM
The car has proffesionals stickers
And racing wings
17 inche rines
Cold air intakes

The car is 5 speeds with R makes its 6 speeds
It has the single cams no vtec much powers full

When I was growing up, we had a 1979 Chevrolet Chevette hatchback. With black plastic upholstery. When it got hot out, it would melt anything you put near it in seconds. I wonder if that’s what this ad means by “goo conditionss?” Probably not, though, since it has cold air intakes. Then again, those probably wouldn’t work in summer when there’s no cold air.

Also, I don’t think you’re normally allowed to count “reverse” towards the total number of speeds. Although the other possibility, that the car doesn’t go in reverse, but has a pirate gear, is intriguing.

Thanks for the ad, MC – you’re 2 for 2!

30 Responses leave one →
  1. 2014 August 11
    CapnMac permalink

    An acquaintance of mine, an old-school gearhead, would famously observe: “The performance of a driver was directly & inversely proportionate to the number of driving school decals on the ride; and the performance of that vehicle was directly and inversely proportionate ro the number of bolt-on “speed” accessories.”

    Applying that rule, this non-minty shell probably would not drift nor be fast and furios <sic> even if upon a oil slick over a teflon surface as a dare to the Mythbusters crew.

    Adores: 3
  2. 2014 August 11
    CapnMac permalink

    Hmmm, it occurs that Spark’s 7-year old nephew was selected to write the CL ad,

    Adores: 2
    • 2014 August 11

      [Corey] I think the author’s first language is Spanish. That would explain “es” for “is” and “rines” for “rims.” [/Corey]

      Adores: 1
      • 2014 August 11

        [Matt] I think you’re right. /Matt

        Adores: 4
      • 2014 August 11
        Demon Duck of Doom permalink

        I agree. En Espanglish, “The car es in goo conditionss” sounds perfectamente correcto.

        Adores: 3
  3. 2014 August 11
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    I’m more than a little concerned that Doge is selling his car. I guess the death of Paul Walker hit him harder than anyone realized. So depress. Much furios. Many sad.

    Adores: 8
  4. 2014 August 11

    My current vehicle has 7 speeds plus P, R, and N, for a total of, um, still 7 speeds. Also, the stickers aren’t professionals; they’re amateurs.

    Adores: 3
  5. 2014 August 11

    Welllll…..my car has 110 speeds, but I’d probably get arrested if I tried to use them all.

    Adores: 11
    • 2014 August 12
      DigitalAxis permalink

      That’s great, but does it have Speed, starring Keanu Reeves?

      Adores: 2
  6. 2014 August 11
    MissMommyNiceNice permalink

    If I paint the wheels of my grocery getter red, can I call it a race car too?

    Adores: 3
    • 2014 August 11
      Bombdude permalink

      Sorry M2N2, but painted wheels alone do not a racing car make. You must needs paint (or sticker) racing stripes down the length of the car either down both sides, or the center of the hood, roof and trunk (or both). Said racing stripes may be any color that contrasts nicely with the paint job, but red is the preferred color.

      Adores: 2
      • 2014 August 11

        And fins. You need fins.

        Adores: 2
        • 2014 August 11
          MissMommyNiceNice permalink

          I have one Finn! He’s 7.

          Adores: 3
  7. 2014 August 11
    Ralph permalink

    Why do Sparkies always leave out the critical details — What color upholstery? How many cupholders? Are fuzzy dice included?

    Adores: 3
    • 2014 August 11

      And what tune does the horn play?

      Adores: 3
      • 2014 August 12
        DigitalAxis permalink

        Ride of the Valkyries, as it turns out.

        Adores: 2
        • 2014 August 13
          Windrose permalink

          Squee! Hi Digi!

          Adores: 1
  8. 2014 August 11
    Windrose permalink

    Wait, if it has wings, doesn’t that make it a plane?

    If it’s much powers full, does that make it a muscle plane?

    If it has the single cams in existance, does that make it an enigma?

    Too many questions for a Monday Morning.

    Adores: 0
    • 2014 August 11
      Demon Duck of Doom permalink

      I think the wings are to help you avoid (ahem) *accidents*.

      Adores: 4
  9. 2014 August 11
    Windrose permalink

    By the way, Hammy, Punchity Punch Punch and stuff.

    limelolly, the box be yours. Alone. All by yourself. The door is locked. It has professionals stickers.

    Good morning, race fans!

    Adores: 3
    • 2014 August 11
      limelolly permalink

      I am all alone here,
      there is no one here beside me,
      all my problems they are gone,
      there is no one to deride me,

      but you gotta have friends,

      Adores: 3
  10. 2014 August 11
    Bombdude permalink

    Ahoy! They’ve released the Kraken!! Shift it into Aaarrrrrrr and let’s get the hell out of here!!

    Adores: 2
  11. 2014 August 11
    One Moving Violation permalink

    “gastransmission” For when your snail needs more than one speed.

    Edit: or maybe you just need to fart faster.

    Adores: 3
    • 2014 August 11
      Bombdude permalink

      I am afflicted with gastransmission on a regular basis. Thank jeebus I work alone…

      Adores: 3
  12. 2014 August 11
    One Moving Violation permalink

    It’s a lot easier to get a title status automatically, but manual title statuses are more thorough and less likely to have the wrong name on them. (Unless of course you are prone to misspelling your own name.)

    Signed,
    Old Monkey Vomit

    Adores: 2
  13. 2014 August 11
    P-Rex permalink

    And racing wings

    I’m calling “Bullsh*t” on this one. And not just any bullsh*t, but “Red Bullsh*t”

    Adores: 1
  14. 2014 August 11
    HamCan permalink

    17 inche rines

    That’s what she said…

    Adores: 1
  15. 2014 August 11
    limelolly permalink

    That’s not what my mother used to call racing stripes.

    Adores: 2
  16. 2014 August 11
    One Moving Violation permalink

    The car is 5 speeds with R makes its 6 speeds

    If I remember correctly, R is a variable tied to ones sanity. According to Hitchhiker’s Guide, Slartibartfast’s little hover craft travelled at 17R.

    Since I no longer have a Guide close at hand, and Google was no help, I am somewhat, but not entirely unsure of my facts.

    Adores: 1

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