YSaC, Vol. 547: Searching for Basil Fawlty.

2010 January 15
by drmk

Hotel front desk clerk/Reception


Succusfull aplicants will have a great demeanor, consisting of a positive attitude and great smile.
You will be bondable and be able to stand on your feet for the duration of your shift. You will have excellent english and superb cumunication and phone skills.
You have a energy about you that is unmistakably resiliant and you remain calm and collective under pressure and despite the attitude of the guest.
You are cumputer illiterate and learn systems, rules and regulations quickly. You can be trusted with responsibility and are acountable with money, records and time.
Your confidence is reflected in your tone of voice both in person and on the phone.

If this describes you – we woluld like to invite you for an interview.
Please send your brief cover letter and resume by email to [name] ( General Manager )
No phone calls please.

We are hiring full time and part time positions.

I woluld apply for this position, but I’m not cumputer illiterate. Darn it, I knew my extensive computer skills would cost me jobs one of these days! Now I’ll never be a succusfull aplicant.

I’m also wondering how they’re going to judge your phone skills and confident tone of voice on the phone when they refuse to take phone calls.

Thanks for the listing, Jessica!

118 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 January 15
    tacomagic permalink

    I’d apply for this position, but given the need to be both bondable and resilient, I think my lack of a polyvinyl coating might disqualify me.

    Adores: 16
    • 2010 January 15
      MsDolfinn permalink

      You mean you DON’T have a polyvinyl coating??? See all this time I was picturing you wrong.

      Adores: 10
      • 2010 January 15
        Ed Snyder permalink

        With Gorilla Glue, everyone is bondable.

        Adores: 10
        • 2010 January 15
          sweetbiscuit21 permalink

          In Soviet Russia, Gorilla Glue bond YOU.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 January 15
          Pennywise permalink

          When you’re down here with us, you’ll bond too!

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 January 15

          Yumm… tastes like meme.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 January 15
          Ed Snyder permalink

          In Soviet Russia, meme tastes like you.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 January 15
          mudslicker permalink

          I’m a JB Weld girl myself. I just hate it when there’s 800 lb. gorilla glue in the middle of the room and nobody even wants to discuss it.

          Adores: 15
        • 2010 January 15
          Lola permalink

          I’m sorry, Mudsy, what gorilla?
          *whistles innocently*

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 January 15
          sarajean80 permalink

          AHHH!

          Scary clown!

          AHHH!

          Scary Tim Curry clown!

          AHHH!

          Scary grunge Soviet Ed!

          huddles in corner whimpering

          Adores: 3

        • 2010 January 15
          Lola permalink

          Here, Sarajean, here’s a book and a drink [both of your choice, it’s virtual]. There, there, now.

          Adores: 0
  2. 2010 January 15
    MsDolfinn permalink

    Pleese aply for this wunderfull job with Bset Wsetrn. We ned gud pepple.

    Adores: 9
    • 2010 January 15
      Heather permalink

      I’d say this is more of a Red Roof Inn job, myself.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 January 15
        queensbee permalink

        no, its that other one. motel6. we’ll leave the lite on.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 January 15
          Lola permalink

          Or Red Lite Inn.

          Adores: 2
  3. 2010 January 15
    Sparky permalink

    Okay, I’m not cumputer illiterate, but I know regular illiterate when I see it.

    Talk about putting the suck in succusfull!

    Adores: 13
  4. 2010 January 15

    You have a energy about you that is unmistakably resiliant and you remain calm and collective under pressure and despite the attitude of the guest.

    Umm, isn’t this a listing for a helicopter pilot? They need collective despite the attitude.

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 January 15
      tacomagic permalink

      Well, they are looking for a high flyer who isn’t afraid to rise to the occasion.

      Adores: 8
    • 2010 January 15

      In Soviet Russia, collective remains you under pressure.

      Adores: 10
  5. 2010 January 15
    arallyn permalink

    See, obviously this job listing is a fake. The GM told some lackey to write a listing for this position, stressing that the applicant MUST be computer illiterate. Not wanting any new idiot co-workers, the lackey posted the listing on CL. If somehow the computer illiterate got on CL (God forbid!) he makes sure that no one will apply by requiring an email response! Genius, if you ask me.

    Adores: 13
  6. 2010 January 15
    Camille permalink

    I prefer to stand on someone else’s feet for part of my shift, so this job is not going to work out for me.

    Anyway, don’t you need more than one person to form a collective? Even under pressure?

    Adores: 16
  7. 2010 January 15
    Lola permalink

    “Cumputer”? Clearly, that’s what those fetish-related CL personals are written on.

    As for Bondable – if that means they should resemble Daniel Craig, that would be frankly kind of awesome.

    Adores: 16
    • 2010 January 15

      Oh, hell yeah!

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 January 15

      I would make him say, “The only blood I care about is Jewish blood” over and over.

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 January 15
      sarajean80 permalink

      There is no Bond but the true Bond, Connery be his name…

      *deep sigh*

      It’s the accent. I could listen to the man read the telephone book and it would turn me into a bowl of pudding.

      Adores: 11
      • 2010 January 15
        sweetbiscuit21 permalink

        He is awesome, but Pierce is my Bond of choice – comes from being a teenage fan of Remmington Steele.

        Adores: 4
      • 2010 January 15

        I loooove his voice! + eleventy for you! I love his Scottish accent when he’s a Russian sub commander on Hunt for Red October.

        Adores: 2
    • 2010 January 15
      Ed Snyder permalink

      The ad for those who are Bondable is only found on DanielCraigslist.

      Adores: 42
  8. 2010 January 15

    They’ve certainly set the standards higher for this position than that of the people currently working there. The desk clerk they hire will soon be the manager (or maybe CEO for that matter)……..

    Adores: 4
  9. 2010 January 15
    lost_compass permalink

    Lemme guess who’d hire this guy as a general manager. Dazed Inn? Imbeciley Suites? Motel IQ-of-6?

    Adores: 19
    • 2010 January 15

      Residunce Inn?

      Adores: 15
      • 2010 January 15
        Caro permalink

        Let’s aim higher. The Fontaineblooper. Ditz-Carlton.

        Adores: 11
        • 2010 January 15
          queensbee permalink

          how bout the Rots-Carleton?

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 January 15
      Lola permalink

      The Paris Hilton.

      Adores: 49
      • 2010 January 15

        Win.

        Adores: 2
      • 2010 January 15
        lost_compass permalink

        Lola’s straight man… now there’s a position I’d apply for.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 January 15
          Lola permalink

          Coincidentally, I prefer straight men. And currently have a vacancy. Do you have references? When can you start?

          One thing – please don’t own a cumputer. Thnx.

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 January 15
          lost_compass permalink

          References? Damn. I knew there’d be a catch.

          I suppose next you’ll want me to explain those 3-to-5-year blank spaces in my job history.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 January 15
          Lola permalink

          Prison is not an acceptable reason for the gaps, nor is alien abduction. However, out of the country on black ops or psy ops or hiding from enemies in general will be considered. (Gunrunning will depend on situation.)

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 January 15
          tacomagic permalink

          Don’t forget the urine samples and the essay.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 January 15
          Steampunk Stormtrooper permalink

          Please make the essay sort of disturbing and tl;dr.

          Adores: 5
      • 2010 January 15
        queensbee permalink

        dingadinga, we gots a winner!

        Adores: 1
  10. 2010 January 15
    Caro permalink

    I haz a energy. (I’m afraid I won’t be a succusfull aplicant, though, because it was actually painful to type that.)

    Adores: 7
  11. 2010 January 15
    Ed Snyder permalink

    We need collective. Resistance is futile.

    Adores: 15
  12. 2010 January 15
    sarajean80 permalink

    WHOO! My slightly off-topic rant from yesterday got up on the sidebar!

    I just have to wait for Windrose to pop by for my punch. I wonder if I have enough for the free toaster yet?

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 January 15
      Lola permalink

      I was totally hoping they’d pick that. It made me laugh (or snort, depending on if I was at work) every time I read it. I could just picture so clearly what you described. (And I agreed with the parenthetical bit at the end.)

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 January 15
      Kanye West permalink

      Yo Sarajean, I’m real happy for you… yehhh… it’s too early for this.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 January 15
        tacomagic permalink

        Yo Kanye, I’m real happy for you. Ima let you finish, but early morning is the best time of day. Early morning is the best time of day.

        Adores: 11
        • 2010 January 15

          …Of all time!

          Adores: 8
    • 2010 January 15
      Windrose permalink

      Sarajean, why are your hole punches in the shape of a penis? Oh, sorry, I was holding it upside down. 8)

      I’ve totally decided this weekend I am going to go back to Jan 1, 2010 and start tracking the Don’t Sucks. Won’t that be fun?

      Adores: 0
  13. 2010 January 15
    Steve-O permalink

    I can’t exactly figure this add out. At first I though this was plagiarized, but I believe this is an original. I am not exactly sure what to make of this, but it makes my brain hurt. I can’t reconcile this, and now my whole day will be out of balance. 🙁

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 January 15

      Trust me Steve-O, when it comes to the brain hurting part, you are most definitely not alone. I’m still trying to work out what “bondable” is

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 January 15
        Count Blah permalink

        I think “bondable” just means you haven’t gotten in trouble with the law, or something. It’s a technical term for “we can hire you and you won’t turn out to be a felon, right?”

        Adores: 2
      • 2010 January 15

        After further coffee, I’m thinking maybe they actually meant to say “flexible”. Given the mess of the rest of it though, anything’s possible I guess.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 January 15
        Traveler permalink

        I think that they are asking for someone with a bondage fetish. Which seems coherent with the “cumunication skills” and the use of a “cumputer”. And being resilient (or resiliant) and capable of performing under pressure (collectively) sound like helpful traits for that kind of activity.

        Adores: 8
  14. 2010 January 15
    Traveler permalink

    I’m a Spaniard and my name is Manuel, so there is really just one thing I can say about this:

    ¿Qué?

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 January 15
      mudslicker permalink

      I say Que lastima….

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 January 15
      Lola permalink

      Ah, you’re from … Barcelona.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 January 15
        Traveler permalink

        No, but i’m balding slightly, and I could turn my goatee into a moustache for a better impression.

        Adores: 1
    • 2010 January 15
      mudslicker permalink

      ¿Que?

      On those trays?

      No senor, uno dos tres..

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 January 15

        Ah, ¡mantequilla! Sí, sí. Uno, dos, tres.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 January 15
          mudslicker permalink

          Si. Or I Can’t Believe It’s Not Mantequilla.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 January 15
          lareina permalink

          My Spanish is a bit rusty, but would that be No Creo Que La No Es Mantequilla?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 January 15
          Traveler permalink

          More or less close, lareina (hmmm, now that we a switching languages I should call you “thequeen”). It would be “No puedo creer que no sea mantequilla”.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 January 15
          lareina permalink

          Yeah, definitely been a while.

          And actually, if you translate a bit further you wind up with my actual, given name.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 January 15

        Si. Mantequilla! Burro is “hee-haw, hee haw”!

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 January 15
          MsDolfinn permalink

          I thought Hee Haw was a defunct country version of Laugh-in type show from the 70s???

          Adores: 3
  15. 2010 January 15
    screamer permalink

    Whichever hotel this is, I’ve stayed there. I’ve dealt with the cumputer illiterate; with desk clerks who are part of a collective (bargaining unit – so don’t have to perform their job responsibilities) and they had a great smile. In fact, the great smile was about the only redeeming quality they had.

    Adores: 4
  16. 2010 January 15

    This sounds like my last job! Heh Heh Heh

    Adores: 8
  17. 2010 January 15
    MrWhite permalink

    .. so this hotel job will involve smiling blankly, while Dick Cheney crouches behind the counter telling you what to do.

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 January 15
      Lola permalink

      That was the undisclosed location? Behind the front desk of the Watergate Hotel?

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 January 15
      lareina permalink

      And providing an on-the-spot reward when you comply, likely as not.

      Adores: 3
  18. 2010 January 15
    Ellipses permalink

    Obviously they won’t take phone calls because they don’t yet have any employees who have a confident tone of voice over the phone. That’s why they need someone who does. Duuuh.

    Adores: 6
  19. 2010 January 15
    andrea permalink

    “You will have excellent english and superb cumunication and phone skills.”

    Really? How would you be able to tell?

    Adores: 12
  20. 2010 January 15

    It’s times like this that I have to remind myself that editing their ads and sending them back covered with red marks is a BAD way to get jobs.

    Adores: 4
  21. 2010 January 15
    cbc72 permalink

    Bondable?

    I thought they meant that if you were to be sent to jail, you would qualify for a bail bond.

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 January 15
      sarajean80 permalink

      I thought it meant they had to be willing to have their teeth capped*.

      You know, for that great smile.

      *AKA dental bonding, not being shot in the mouth.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 January 15
        Steve-O permalink

        You said shot in the mouth…… 🙂

        Adores: 3
  22. 2010 January 15
    InsideJoke permalink

    Deer Ohtel,

    I am cumputer illiterate, and haz many bondage esperience asa fromer striper. Can I haz positison? Ma Rsume is beelowe:

    – unmistakably resiliant energy
    – learn systems quickly
    – reflective energy

    Adores: 8
    • 2010 January 15

      After having spent far too many hours reading forms filled out by the public at large, I am convinced that the OP has just given up trying to post an ad full of correct spelling, puncuation, and grammar. Deciding to go with “Craigslistese” may reach the bondable cumputer whiz he/she’s looking for.

      From one of said forms: “I had enouhgt.” Don’t know if that’s an indication that the form-filler-outer was fed up or a Swedish delicacy. And these forms are filled out online, home of the hallowed spell-check.

      Adores: 1
  23. 2010 January 15
    Fred permalink

    Jessica is pulling your leg. I found the original listing on craigslist in Vancouver. It does not have the errors that are published here.

    BTW, bondable means that you can you able to get bond insurance. Typical for anyone who is handling a lot of cash. If you walk off with the cash, the insurance company holding the bond will reimburse the company

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 January 15

      Actually, Fred, I saw the listing with my own two eyes — they may have reposted it, or corrected it, but I saw this version of the ad myself. I don’t post anything I can’t verify.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 January 15
        Windrose permalink

        I almost feel sorry for the poor sap who published the original post. When his or her boss saw this and gave him or her heck for it! *chuckle* Okay, sorry isn’t what I am feeling.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 January 15

          What you’re feeling is called lulz or Schadenfreude.

          (Link NSFW)

          Adores: 0
  24. 2010 January 15
    queensbee permalink

    i’m still out looking for those german tourists..

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 January 15
      Lola permalink

      Whatever you do, don’t mention the war.

      Adores: 6
  25. 2010 January 15

    Where’d everybody go? I have a difficult time believing that everyone here has plans on a Friday night. 😛

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 January 15
      Lola permalink

      Hey, some of us had to stop off on the way home to get dinner, books, 😀 liquor, 🙂 and makeup for the rest of the weekend.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 January 15

        How much makeup would you say you use on an average weekend of drinking and reading?

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 January 15
          Lola permalink

          Three days’ worth if I go out of the house every day. (I may leave the house to drink, too.)
          There’s a place down in the Village called Bar & Books. A lady needs a book and toiletries for a place with a name like that – they’ll supply the drink.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 January 15
          sarajean80 permalink

          A bar with books? I want one of those, preferably within staggering distance.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 January 15
          Lola permalink

          Sarajean,
          It’s not within staggering distance (that’s what cabs/car services are for), but that doesn’t mean it’s not cool …
          http://www.barandbooks.cz/hudson/

          It’s like the downtown, NY version of one that was in the town where I went to college. What I loved about that place was that, particularly later in the evening, there was always some drunkish person (usually several, especially later) who had taken a book off of the shelves and was intently reading it as the night raged around them. Sometimes that person was me. That place had a fairly awesome microbrew selection, at least at the time, as well. Celeb sighted there by a friend: Michael Stipe (I’m totally dating myself, as that was the tour for Green).

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 January 15

          I guess I deserved that answer (I was looking more for a volume or weight 😛 ). Nice that they have a place that provides a place for reading and drinking. I usually take a book to social outings when I want to make a point that I’m not too enthused about being there.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 January 15
          Lola permalink

          It’s also cigar-friendly, which I don’t care for. I’m too old and curmudgeonly at this point to actually miss going out and coming back smelling like an overflowing ashtray now that you can’t smoke in establishments anywhere in this state (I’m pretty sure that dancing, particularly to live music, in places where smoking was allowed has taken a year or two off of the back end of my life). I don’t care how calidad your contraband Cuban cigar is …

          Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get a refill of Dewars and soda …

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 January 15
      lareina permalink

      Sorry, Graham-cracker, I was off in my cricket-nerd incarnation on FB and the TMS site. There are two Test matches on at the moment… 🙂

      Besides, it’s already past 5 am where I am!

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 January 15
        Lola permalink

        Two test matches?!? Have you slept?

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 January 15
          lareina permalink

          Um…maybe?

          *avoids eye-contact*

          I am going to now, though, the Pakistan-Australia match is gripping (albeit in a train-wreck-in-motion kind of way – oh, Pakistan!) but I have to get behind the wheel of a car in a few hours and I’d prefer not to do that while reeling like a punch-drunk zombie from sleep deprivation.

          Have fun, folks!

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 January 15

        Welcome back! Get some sleep before the sun comes up!

        Adores: 0
  26. 2010 January 15

    If Basil Fawlty is running it, I’ll be applying to Fawlty Towers in no time.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 January 15
      Lola permalink

      Sybil, or Connie’s position?

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 January 15

        Manuel, of course!

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 January 15
          Lola permalink

          You may get to arm-wrestle Traveler for it (see earlier in comments). That would make an awesome pilot ep, though!

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 January 15

          Oh, didn’t mean to step on any toes. Hadn’t seen it yet! He can have Manuel, i’ll be the bane of Basil’s existence, Sybil. I’m good at that.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 January 15
          Lola permalink

          Wish I had photoshopping skills (any – aside from the ones that actually make the pictures of myself look fatter). I’d totally ‘shop a Sybil ‘do and a cigarette onto your avatar. That’d be brilliant.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 January 15

          Might could do that if’n I had a higher res version of HHNF’s avatar.

          Adores: 1
  27. 2010 January 15
    Windrose permalink

    AUUUUGH!!!! *blinks, looks around the room* Oh, sorry. I had to get that out of my system though. Such a FUN day at work. 8/ The chaser was an offer of working overtime, for comp time instead of money, and at straight time because of the holiday on Monday. Not only No but HHNF No!

    So glad to be here perusing the help wanted ads.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 January 15

      Did you just use my name…in vain? *smiteth*

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 January 16
        Windrose permalink

        Ouch! No no no! Well, yes. But I was thinking good thoughts.

        Adores: 2
  28. 2010 January 15
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    I was in IKEA hell all day. I barely got the Søfahsnåkel put together.

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 January 16

      We missed ya.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 January 16
      Lola permalink

      Let me guess – you got the sofa put all together but can’t figure out how to get the snake in.

      Adores: 4
      • 2010 January 18
        eridanis permalink

        simple way to get the snake in = throw in a dead mouse first.

        e~

        Adores: 1
  29. 2010 January 22
    Vanessa permalink

    I’m always fascinated at the words people misspell (excuse me, mispeel) and misuse in the midst of others that are correct. Like, they get “demeanor” right which is fairly uncommon compared to “cuminication.” And they are wordsmithy enough to request a reslient demeanor but are asking for computer illiteracy. Not to mention being “calm and collective” which means, they are looking for a peaceful Socialist maybe? Intriguing.

    Adores: 0

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