YSaC, Vol. 1268: Wait a minute, Mr. Postman …
letters to – $10
want a letter written to somebody but dont have the time? need to tell somebody off but dont have the proper vocabulary or materials todo it? well contact me via email and i will print and send you a letter to whomever you feel be it a grandmother that needs some lovin or just some idiot from last night that you may have to apologize to but dont want to…..email me my name is pat
Dear Pat,
I am writing you this letter to have you write a letter to someone I need to write a letter to but don’t have the time. See, I had to choose whether to write this letter to you or to the other person, and since I’m writing it to you, I won’t have the time to write it to the other person, so I need you to do it for me.
Here’s what I need: I need you to write a letter to Pat, this person from the internet, who can write letters for people. I need to write Pat a letter in order to have Pat write a letter to someone for me, but I don’t have the time to write Pat to have them write the letter. Can you write a letter to Pat to have Pat write a letter to someone for me?
Thanks, Elayna!*
*My brain hurts.
Schrödinger’s Cat leaps up, hisses, shreds the drapes in the 4th 7 7th spatial dimensions and runs off, very upset, to later hork leptons into somebody’s shoe!
Dear Pat;
I think you owe an apology to the English language.
Without affection,
Kelli
So take a letter, Maria.
Address it to this “Pat”
Re this letter writing scheme:
My answer’s no, and that’s that.
Dear Pat,
Please write the letter “Z” for me.
On a tree trunk, in rapier.
On a hillside, in candelaria.
On a piece of toast, in strawberry jam.
In return, I shall e-mail you payment post haste.
Sincerely,
Zoro
Hm… $10 to have someone named “Pat” write my grandmother a love-letter for me?
I think I’ll pass, thanks.
I was worried* about that aspect as well.
Those three words, bolded for emphasis, in such close proximity, kind of made me throw up a little bit in my mouth.
*made queasy
Dear Pat,
I don’t have time for this.
Send me a letter (blue or black ink only, on stationery – Miss Manners, you know) and I’ll let you know if I like it or not. I’ll only charge $20.00 to read your letter – send it (in cash) when you send the letter.
Thanks,
Lettercia Missive
Dear Pat,
I need you to write several reminders for me. I can’t remember what they are supposed to be about, so please write me a note to help remind me.
Thanks,
Taco
Dear Pat,
I have a crush on the boy that sits next to me in class. Can you write a letter, asking him if he likes me, with little boxes he can check that say “yes” and “no”? And can you fold the note up all complicated like? Throw some Skittles and stickers in the envelope too.
Thanks,
Tiffany Amber
Grade 5
Miss Krabapple’s 1st period
And I was sure the name would have been Anita.
Anita Sedative?
Anita Brain.
8)
Dear Pat:
I need (but dont want to write) a letter to an idiot grandmother from last night for some lovin, to apologize for the incident with her false teeth getting yanked out in a moment of passion. Do apostrophes cost extra?
Sincerely,
Stumpy
Dear Pat,
I need your help with a letter writing campaign. Please write a brazillion letters saying that Star Trek is the bestest show ever and it should not be cancelled. Cause then it will lead to Fox cancelling Firefly, and we can’t be having with that. Send the letters back in time to 1969, addressed to NBC Studios. When I wake up and see that Star Trek was never cancelled, and neither was Firefly, I will send you ten brazillion dollars unless you want quatloos.
Sincerely,
A Fan
Outsourcing brazilian letters would really shave alot of time off of your busy schedule so that you are able to wax more poetic in your comments. Good call.
10 Brazilian dollars, eh? That’s worth, what, about $6.00 US?
Dear Sparky,
Attached is the letter you ordered. I told you I could write real good.
Regards,
Pat
Dear Grammy:
Sorry to say I don’t have the proper vocabulary or a pen [apparently] to write you this letter but god sent me an [angle] from above and this letter appeared miraculously on the kitchen counter this morning.
I’ve noticed that you’ve been needing some lovin’ lately but I wanted to question what you were thinking by acting like an idiot at Buster’s Beer Lounge last night. Since we’re family, can we say, sloppy drunk? Sending free drinks over to my table all night was NOT COOL! Accosting me outside the men’s room in that dark hallway was NOT COOL! Slipping your phone number down the front of my Levis was NOT COOL! Can you still look me in the eye at Thanksgiving and ask me to pass the stuffing without it sounding all icky?
Believe me, I did not want to send you this letter, but felt I had to and luckily god provided me with a heavenly solution. Don’t be surprised if I forget to get you a prezzie at Christmas.
Hugs ‘n Kisses.
Your grandson,
Stevie
p.s. Sis will be sending you a letter as well. Suffice to say she was not happy with your behavior when she ran into you in Vegas last month.
Dear Pat,
You do realize that almost no one writes letters anymore, don’t you?
Kisses,
Ghostie
P.S. – You’re an idiot.
P.P.S. – An idiot who now owes me ten dollars.
P.P.P.S – Plus a five dollar stupidity surcharge. (See attached invoice.)
Perhaps, for only $5, she’d/he’d send a text for you instead.
Stupid Fees!
You’ve been pulling the kitchen drawers all the way out again, haven’t you missy?
*ahem* News Flash:::
Ghostie’s drawers have always been pulled all the way out.
“I hope there’s lemonade in the corner.”
In the corner there’s lemonade
That’s also where the brownies are made.
tsk-tsk
I’m not gone five minutes and people start talkin’ about my drawers.
Do what I do: Don’t wear drawers. That will show ’em.
I should know better and never trust a monkey to carry a conversation concerning lemonade.
*oh look! monkey flung a brownie!*
Last time I examined une femme sans cullottes, I was smacked ’round the head for it . . .
Just ain’t fair, I tell’ya.
Tip better next time. That wasn’t supposed to be free.
Uh, was mindin’ my own business in the library, having set aside Walpole for some far racier Greene & Greene (with David I Chappell “on deck” as it were), when said “lady” plopped across a nearby couch in an under-chaste, revealing-sort of way. Said sprawl further suggesting that I might have been one of the remaining few humans who had not been offered the view presented. This latter presumption was in some error, despite the contradictions the attire presented while committing willful battery upon my person.
And nary a cheese shop in commuting distance, either.
dear drmk,
my name is pa..er one and i just want to say that your website is really cool andis funny and makes me laugh because what people poston craigslist and dont know howto spell or use puntuation or gramma and are creepy and he wants to umm i wanto know if you have more funny websites or links to websites that are funny because he.. imean i dont have time to look for linx because iam so lonely and he has nothing better todo with my timebutt he paid me $10 to write this for hi..imean for myself
cinseriously,
pat
ps imeanone
You’re gramma need’s sum lovin.
Yeah, um, I’ve already got that part handled. I don’t apologize for that, either.
Dear Pat,
Here’s $10.00. I need you to write a letter to my bank. Please write it on a small rectangular piece of paper, and include the words “one hundred and 00/100” in the message. I don’t want them to know it’s me, so please sign your name. And don’t forget to date it.
Thanks again. As you can see, I’m much too busy to do this myself.
It’s sad that I’ve had customers who would actually do that.
DDD,
I have never actually dated a letter before.
U and I have not been formally introduced.
J has been dating K and I don’t want to be a third wheel.
Gramma B and Aunty M? Well, they are to old for me.
RT and OP are both the wrong gender.
Perhaps I can find a D or even a DD.
Dear Somebody,
OFF!!!
Specifically,
Not
(who needs pat?)
Is Pat played by Julia Sweeney?
I hope so. I lost Chris’s contact info, so maybe Pat can forward a message for me.
Dear Pat,
I’d like to buy a vowel.
Sincerely, Vanna
M_YB_ _T’S J_ST M_
Got pat down today,
all the way down to the ground.
Made me feel better.
Got pat down today,
Pat had made nary a sound.
Pat wrote that letter.
Got pat down today,
said she was fooling around.
Nobody met her.
ghostcat, let me show you the door so you can go forth and snark yet another day! Punchity Punch Punch!
Good Morning, Dead Letter Office!