You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: zen

  • YSaC, Vol. 258: It’s no Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich …

    This was posted in “general”. I suppose it’s because Craigslist doesn’t have a section for “miracles and revelations”.

    GOD MAKING ADAM… – $500000

    A WATER STAINED CEILING TILE FROM A BROKERN WATER PIPE
    ON THIS EARTH …GOD MAKING ADAM…

    STARTING BID $500,000.00 OR HIGHEST BIDDER

    CALLS ONLY TO xxx-xxx-xxxx
    adam

    Um. I think we’ve found the seventh wonder of the stupid world.

    Actually, it’s probably the sixth wonder. The seventh wonder will be that someone will probably buy this from him.

    *goes off to smash some water pipes*

  • YSaC, Vol. 257: I think the desk is a metaphor.

    This was posted in m4w.

    Seeking smart woman for mahogany desk job LTR? – 38

    Career dreamer seeks icy snapper to sharpen my pencils in.
    I would like a partner to plug into my desk.
    I came upon this beauty a few months ago doing a cash side job on the West Side.
    Me and this guy named Sky were moving a prickly little poodle past her orifice,
    when divine intervention manifested destiny!
    We dropped her custom made Italian Mahogany partners desk down a manhole.
    She was married to this classical fellow who built a fortune from an erector set,
    but his eyes fell out and her cats ate them.
    She had to move on. So she’s trained in some kinda cerebella palsy… (powerful stuff),
    and she picks up this desk off Ruby Lane for a couple O G. Well this desk must have had some magic dust in it or something cause she started sucking up more clients then her little cube could handle.
    That’s where me and Sky came in. You tell us “where” and we ask you “why”. Sky came up with that one. Boss wouldn’t paint it on the truck though.
    So we were moving this tricky sweet pony uptown when she goes into a caramel latte slide and completely upsets our feng sway. Down goes the partners desk and the manhole is burping like an alcoholic barber.
    There was crap all over the place, and she wanted our heads. I looked up at Sky and said
    “The custom Italian Mahogany desk has fallin.”
    He just passed over man, like it didn’t even matter. I looked down at that beaded old purse and she was flapping like a wind sock on Mount Washington.
    Took me close to a month to find work again, (due exclusively too the mostly unkind ways in which she remembered us in the police report) but 30 days later I’m under the street sucking sludge for a guy named Demillo- and BOOM, its that desk!
    I hauled my prize back to the storage unit/apartment I rent- and there she sits.
    Its got two holes in it, I just need a partner to fill the other side. If you have a chair that adjusts it would be perfect as she lost a little height in the fall.
    Also- please be a highly educated professional gainfully employed white collar type,
    Cause I cant get the drawers open. There is magic dust in there!

    Well, there you go then. I wish I could say this was an April Fools joke of some kind, but I think this guy really brought the crazy out for this one.

    For the record, there’s actually a lot that’s GOOD about this post, too — the imagery is vivid, he has a good sense of cadence, and for the most part his spelling is accurate. And after about the fourth or fifth time reading through the post, you can start to get a general sense of the narrative. But there’s a lot that’s wrong with it, too.

  • YSaC, Vol. 251: Iw4mW,B IV: Pick one extreme, plz. Kthx.

    Wheres my bed buddy at? – w4m – 21

    It’s amazing how much thought i’ve put into this little post, so here goes.

    You’re right … it’s astounding. It’s almost as though you’ve thought about it at all.

    On the other extreme, there’s this, sent in by Kati:

    Cowboy Take Me Away… far away – 21 (Here)

    hmmm… Well, my dream man is:

    at least 6′ tall, not fat but not anorexic either (preferably semi-muscular), drives a truck (preferably a chevy).. if it’s not a chevy, it’s ok.. but I will make fun of you everyday, especially if you ever have the misfortune of breaking down. country music is a must (at least half the time). you don’t have to own a gun, but be able to shoot one. –not an alcoholic– DOESN’T OWN ANY PINK SHIRTS —THIS IS A DEALBREAKER!!! I WILL BURN IT. please at least believe in God. i won’t have you talkin trash about every country song that uses God’s name when I’m listening to it. (i don’t go to church a lot either) Trash-talking just annoys me. I don’t believe in abortion… (sorry… actually, no.. i’m not sorry) If we’re arguing and you ever have the balls to hit me first, I will make sure you don’t have the balls to do it again. However, if I hit you first(which i’ve never done in my life), hit me back… What the hell are you thinking?! You’re just gonna sit there and let me beat your ass???!!! Are you a man or not? hmmm Don’t have any diseases (just in case i ever do get around to doing that with you). You must be able to go to Wal Mart with me, even if it’s just to stand in the hunting/fishing section the whole time I do the shopping. Have a decent job (there shouldn’t be any question about this if you’re plannin on keepin that pretty truck of your’s). I know it’s branded across your little redneck heart, but PLEASE try not to say “Gitterdone” everytime someone says anything. Please don’t dip either (eww). I prefer non-smokers, but this is negotiable since obviously 90% of people in GA are dumb and want cancer. You need to like four-wheelers, mud boggin, kids, obviously trucks, going out occasionally, and the fact that i like t-shirts and jeans. You must own boots; if you don’t own any, I’ll know you’re fakin’.

    ok… well, I think I might be done. Who knows? I could be forgetting something. But, it doesn’t matter, does it because the man I’m looking for (if he does in fact exist) probably doesn’t know how to use a computer. ..so he will never even see this ad. … at least I provided ya’ll with some entertainment for a minute… If you do think you’re this guy, don’t be over 30. Email me, and I’ll reply. People who don’t think you’re this guy but just wanna bitch because I’m too picky. Please don’t email me. That just annoys me, and this is what I’ve wanted since I was 14 years old. Hey, if he’s out there, why shouldn’t I find him?

    I don’t think she’s thought about her fantasy man at all, do you? I mean, it’s not like anyone who responds is going to be compared to an imaginary standard that they’re going to fail to live up to in one way or another.

    What do you think is up with the pink shirt thing? For me, a man secure enough in his masculinity to wear pink is kind of hot.

  • YSaC, Vol. 249: Iw4mW,B II: Aphasia edition

    Very serious, deep-thinker, educated and ready to discuss the – w4m – 21

    Very serious, deep-thinker, educated and ready to discuss the

    I am too! OMG, we’re like very serious, deep-thinking, educated twins! So what do you think about the

    [Sent in by Wendy — thanks!]

  • YSaC, Vol. 246: Is there a world record for simultaneous reclination?

    4 Recliner Curved Sofa

    Want to buy a curved 4 recliner sofa

    Is that a question, or a statement?

  • YSaC, Vol. 228: Profound, or just stupid?

    Black Volvo XC 70 – $4300

    Engine is in Excellent Shape, does not smoke, does not leak, nice and quiet. email for more pics and details. Leather seats.

    Against this choice walks each incorrect gang. A gutter lurks across every undone fiddle. The benefit resists the faced shorthand over an adviser. Should a terminology peer near a spiral skin?

    OOOooooh, goody, it’s Mad Libs time! Here’s the format:

    Has a/Is a/Did a/Will a (noun)  (verb) across/near/over/with/by/for each/every/a/an/the (adjective) (noun)?

    Play at home. Report back. Here’s one of my results:

    Is a penchant enrolling over every ashen trickle?

    It’s also nice to see that the Volvo engine has kicked that nasty nicotine habit. I would get really tired of shoving the cigarettes into the radiator.