You Suck at Craigslist

Author: drmk

  • YSaC, Vol. 324: Someone to watch over me ….

    Need Pet sitter maybe 2 nites a week

    I’m a sales guy that travels about 2 nites a week for work. I am looking for someone or preferably a couple that loves dogs and would like my dog Forest’s company. He is ZERO trouble, sits on your lap like your best friend and only wants his tummy scratched as much as he can get it done lol

    If your going to reply with how much does it pay, don’t reply, i need someone to watch him that isn’t looking to make money off him

    a retired couple would be best as he loves being outside walking if possible or a fenced yard. Also he’d prefer no children.

    thanks,
    jeff
    xxx-xxx-xxxx
    323

    Translation: I need a pet sitter, but I’m not willing to pay for the service.

    What’s awful about this is that I can think of a lot of ways he could have spun this request that would have made it slightly less asshattish. For example, he could have said, “I know that elderly couples enjoy having animals around, so I would be willing to leave my dog with you a couple of nights a week while I am at work.” It still has the same meaning — i.e., I’m not willing to pay for a sitter — but it’s not as bad as “Don’t reply if you want pay because I’m not paying you.”

    [Thanks for the submission, Jen!]

  • YSaC, Vol. 323: I’d ask them if Jesus rode a dinosaur.

    An Unabridged Interview With Jesus

    I’m conducting an interview for a book with a person who remembers the life of Jesus. If you were to take part in the interview, what would your question or questions be?

    Now’s your chance, folks — if you were to interview someone who remembers the life of Jesus, what would you ask them?

    [Thanks for the submission, Catherine!]

  • YSaC, Vol. 322: I think I’m turning Asianese, I really think so …

    asian or oriental tutor needed today

    This evening asap i need a asian or oreintal person to teach me the asian language. I pay $10 an hour. Send me your contact information and i will call you.

    Kaitlin says, “I can’t pick a favorite part: The poster’s need to clarify a difference between Asian and Oriental (or oreintal, I don’t know, maybe he pronounces it differently), needing to know THE asian language, needing to learn the language in ONE night, or pondering over what the poster could possibly need it for.”

    Chris also sent this one in, with a theory: he says, “Anything to book that Flower Drum Song audition, right?”

    I’m sure it will only take a few hours to master Asian. After all, something like eight billion people speak it — how hard could it be?

  • YSaC, Vol. 321: Meta-hilarity ensues.

    Hi. Welcome to You Suck at Craigslist, a site where I make fun of poorly constructed Craigslist ads.

    What? What’s that you say? You’re wondering why I’m stating that, when it’s perfectly obvious what the site is?

    As it turns out, perfectly obvious might not be obvious enough to some people, as evidenced by an email I got (exchange is behind a cut, as it’s relatively long):

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 320: Ice cream does fix everything.

    Elle, who was also responsible for the “Free blowdry and style” submission, sent this one in. It got flagged almost immediately, but luckily she’d taken a screenshot:

    320

    Click here for a larger version, and be confused for a while. The two pictures themselves are like those puzzles in Highlights magazines where you were supposed to spot the differences between the two pictures: The hair comb! The green thing! The white/grey square blob to the right of the pink thing just above his head! Find and collect them all!

    Elle says, “I have so many questions. What/where is GUATSUSNAKE? Who is “HE”? Are they offering up an unemployed/retired person? A snake? Why did they include two almost-identical Photoshopped photos? Is that a mannequin? A dead body? Is there anything that ice cream doesn’t fix?

    This may have put me off Craigslist forever.”

    Here, I’ll save you the trouble — here’s a link to a Google search for “guatsusnake“. You’ll notice that nothing comes up. (I’m hoping the search engines will catch the word quickly enough that it will link back here by the time this post goes up!)

    In other words: Nope, I’ve got nothing.

  • YSaC, Vol. 319: At least he’s a self-aware dumbass.

    shy me – 22

    I’m a dumb ass , now i have to take a bus cause they took my dl(got one month left), have abit of a problem with a head and some of my friends tell me im an asshole ,got no front teeth, live in my parents basement ,never finish or if i think about it never stared the school that would explain my spelling(i thik the last homework i did was in 3 grade) and on top of it all just lost my job(god that looks bad)ha but so far in last six years that i spend in canada over all i did allrigt, i’m 5.11, 165pounds,still got my 6 (not like its matters)im white ,well fit ,grey eyes,with dirty blonde hair,intelegent inaf to realize the level of my personal stupidity,sick and tierd of the mind games shit,will not lie or betray.
    If some one ask me what i’m looking for in the girl i gona have to say that she must be well fit,able to think(i hate stupidity) and she cant be to much of a bitch everything else dont realy matter
    So if u think u can deal with the sad reality a have just presented send me an e mail and we go from there
    O ye i do have good sence of humor (i can laugh at my self)

    This is like a litany of personals sadness. Lost his drivers license, his friends think he’s a jerk, lives at home, dropped out of school, unemployed … wow. At least he claims he can laugh at himself. What’s the line from Hedwig and the Angry Inch? “I have to laugh … because I’ll cry if I don’t.” That seems apropos here.

    I think we might actually have to start that “I can’t imagine why you’re still single” tag. That’s a bit long, though — any suggestions about a shorter tag name?