You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: humanity is doomed

  • YSaC, Vol. 264: The suck runs deep with this one.

    Free Chickens

    Have 520 chickens-must get off the property IMMEDIATELY! I will NOT give the chickens to black people, I don’t like them! Sorry!
    Call Fat Willie- (270)xxx-xxxx

    This one was flagged almost immediately — what a surprise. And again, it was difficult to restrain myself from leaving in the phone number.

    Jami (from DateWrecks) sent this one in, pointing out that the neighborhood in which this was listed is not exactly country bumpkin land; she says it’s a southern urban area. That’s rather a lot of chickens even if you ARE on a farm, instead of having them running around your three bedroom split-level ranch. I’m thinking Fat Willie might have had a run-in with Animal Control.

    I can’t even make up a funny story in my head about this one. Not to perpetuate stereotypes or anything, but:

    1. Southern
    2. Racist
    3. Going by the sobriquet of “Fat Willie”

    … the “asshat” tag is kind of unavoidable, isn’t it?

  • YSaC, Vol. 261: I didn’t really need proof of that last part. Thanks, though.

    2.5 yr old yellow lab. UTD on shots

    He’s friendly, utd on shots, was raised w/ children and houstrained.

    261b

    I didn’t think it would be possible to take a less-flattering picture of the dog you’re trying to abandon than this one, but these people have managed to do it.

  • YSaC, Vol. 260: Note to self — don’t search for “sexy secretary” with safe search off.

    Sexy Personal Assistant

    I’m looking to hire a personal assistant to help out around my home office. I’m a good looking 28 year old man who runs a small company and I need to hire someone to take care of answering the phones, responding to clients and taking notes while I’m in meetings and just everyday helping out and tidying up around the office. I would like to hire a sexy little 18-25 year old girl. This is a strictly working relationship and not require you to do anything physical with me. I only require that whoever I hire comes to work in cute and sexy outfits to parade the office all day and giving me something to stare at. You would have the opportunity however to make extra money every now and then giving me a lap dance if you were open to that. Serious inquiries only. Looking to fill the position by the end of the week.

    I think someone’s been watching Secretary a few times too many. Would I have to wear the saddle and hold the carrot in my mouth?

    Kim submitted this one, saying, “I kind of want to take the job just so I can sue him for his business later on.  I’m sure I could run it better than this ungrammatical horndog, whatever it is.”

    This really is a lawsuit waiting to happen. I like how it progresses from “strictly working relationship” to “you can give me a lap dance”. Nope, I’m sure there’s no ulterior motives here.

    Maybe he’ll get lucky and get Mrs. Wiggins!

  • YSaC, Vol. 259: In space, nobody can hear you’re stupid.

    A couple of people sent this one in. Unfortunately, it had been flagged by the time I got to it … but luckily Sarah had taken a screen shot of it:

    256

    For those of you with Internet Eye Syndrome, here’s the text of the ad:

    “Hi i have 8 7591 vacuum tubes that were new old stock, i tested these in a scott amplifier and worked well. I carefully removed the glass on each tube to clean both sides as all the tops had silver inside blocking view of tubes light now the tubes have no glass but may still work. asking 50.00 each.”

    John had also pointed me towards this listing, saying:

    “This guy’s post is for a set of 8 NOS (new old stock) tubes for audio amplifiers. NOS mean they were made long ago, but are still not used. A pack of 8 of these NOS would be worth $200+ easily. So this guy breaks off the glass and “cleans all the shiny stuff” off the insides. The only place these might work would be the vacuum of space and are now worthless. That’s sort of like: New Light bulbs. I opened them to clean out the white stuff. They should still work. Oh and they don’t come with the glass anymore.”

    Sarah’s commentary was, “It’s almost worth the $50 to see if this guy keeps doing it. Almost.”

    Of course, since I’m a girl, my reaction was, “But will they match my shoes?”

    Thanks, Sarah and John!

  • YSaC, Vol. 254: $5 *is* a lot of money to invest in yourself.

    Im looking to sell myself, but dont wana pay 5 bux – 27 (wherever u are)

    Did you know that to post in “Erotic Services” you need to pay 5 bucks, AND a phone confirmation!! Im trying to make money, not spend it! So basically the truth is, a couple nights ago I watched “American Gigalo” with Richard Gere.. You remember that one? In it, Richard plays the role of a lifetime, where he basically lounges around all day by the pool, waiting for his shift to start.. And his job is simple-Look good in a tux.So I thought, why not. I look good in a tux RIGHT?
    So I came here to craigslist to post myself Richy Gere style, but was shocked to see that in order to post, u gota spend FIVE DOLLARS!! WHAT!?
    Plus, I didn’t see one single dood in the erotic services sooooooo……..
    if you’re going to that dinner with tha mayor tonight..Don’t hesitate to, first buy me a tuxedo, then call me up.

    My name is Julian. Prices may vary. [spelled out area code], five hundred fourteen, [number] thousand [number] hundred [number]-nine

    Overall, this is a great plan. There’s just a few problems with it that I’d like to address:

    1. You aren’t Richard Gere.
    2. Posing by someone else’s Mercedes is not classy.
    3. If you’re going to be a gigolo, you should really own your own tux.

    Other than that, I can’t see a single problem with this plan.

    I think I should start a “what could possibly go wrong?” tag. Or does “this can only end badly” cover it?

  • YSaC, Vol. 252: Iw4mW,B V: I think she’s on the way to the second circle, too.

    This Friday installment of w4m week is brought to you in conjunction with the lovely and talented Date Wrecks, who has been very patient with me for infringing on her territory all week long. Thanks, Jami!

    Sugar Lips Sharon Wants YOU!!!! – 39

    Easy going, loving, blonde bomb shell. Loves to give and recieve 😉 anything goes with this wild child. Lick in the front poke her in the back is my life motto. Also for the guys with wifes and girlfriends just remember EATING AIN’T CHEATIN!
    Send me an email if you are interested. Looking to do something soon!

    Let me count the ways in which I am appalled and horrified by this.

    1. You have two pictures of yourself on the toilet, and one picture of your ass. None of them are particularly attractive pictures of you, you realize, although I’m taking some comfort in the fact that you know to wash your hands.
    2. You can’t get the “liquor in the front, poker in the rear” saying correct, even though it’s your “life motto”. You know, some people have mottos like “Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing” (Helen Keller). Just saying.
    3. Seriously, honey, if you’re going to use cheesy phrases to illustrate how slutty you are, at least get one of them right. Either include both ‘g’s or drop both: “eating ain’t cheating” OR “eatin’ ain’t cheatin’. Pick one.
    4. You are not only wearing, but prominently displaying, a religious icon. Now, I’m not particularly religious, but isn’t one of the primary tenets of the religion that icon symbolizes something like “thou shalt not propose oral sex upon married men with a vulgar rhyme”?

    It’s official: humanity is doomed. The first sign of the impending cultural apocalypse was Miss Congeniality II: Armed and Fabulous, followed closely by the indisputable second sign, Beverly Hills Chihuahua. [Warning: one of those links contains sound and video. Your guess as to which!] This Craigslist ad is surely the third sign.