You Suck at Craigslist

Category: etc. jobs

  • YSaC, Vol. 1793: Yo. I can do that.

    Do you like to do work? Preferably something which requires years of training, and expensive equipment that you have to provide yourself? Are you nonetheless morally opposed to monetary compensation for such work? Mike, one of our regular readers, lives in a city where you’ll have PLENTY of opportunities!

    REBRANDING! looking for VIDEO/PHOTOGRAPHER

    compensation: no pay

    GREETINGS!

    Male Socialite looking to rebrand myself and webpage in the upcoming new year! I am looking to grow into a self proclaimed “Creatif”! I have plenty of concepts, and I am open to yours also! I am looking to create images from outlandish to fashionable. I am a graphic designer so raw or edited images are fine! Looking to shoot sooner then later, but open to scheduling things further into the year! Dont hesitate to hit me up! Looking forward to hearing from you!

    Because helping you realize your dreams of becoming a modern day Oscar Wilde is definitely going to pay off down the road.

    Photographer for Exotic Fitness Model

    I’m beautiful and fit and I’m looking for a team of photographers that can capture my beautiful fit physique. I’m also building my brand so I’m interested in photographers that have great contacts in the health and fitness industry. I expect a full portfolio, I will provide my own wardrobe and makeup artist. You must have a professional portfolio of work before I will consider working with you.

    Serious inquiries only. Forward your info including contact info.

    No Pay. I provide you with a stunning model and you provide photos.

    How about I just provide you with “no?” However, I know someone who MIGHT want to photograph you, just not in the way you intended:

    A very particular kind of photography

    I am an extremely experienced photographer looking for help for a new body of work I am putting together. I am looking for people to model for me for pictures that could show your face your eyes, your mouth, or any part of your body being touched. Yes, I would want to touch you–perhaps very intimately–while I am photographing you. No, I would not try to have sex with you. If you are interested, please shoot me a note. I am very serious about this. You get copies of everything, and if there is any kind of picture you need, I will shoot it for you.

    If you really insist that there be at least a possibility of compensation, there’s always THIS guy:

    Wanted: Online dating Digital Voice

    compensation: Compensation based either on a flat weekly fee or incentive program

    Getting a lot of matches on Tinder and Hinge, but schedule does not permit to holla at bitches all day long.

    Need someone to craft endearing and provocative messages through my online dating networks with the end goal of securing real world dates. In other words, I am looking to hire someone to be my online dating digital voice. No help needed once date is secured as my real-life pimp game is on point.

    About me:
    – Well-above average looking guy
    – Normal Cat
    – Sailor, cyclist, traveler, great sense of humor, outdoorsy, lover of life, and dog-lover

    Ideal Candidate:
    – Lipstick lesbian who understands women, but who enjoys the company of men
    – Non-judgmental and believes in efficiency
    – Great sense of humor and dog-lover

    Will compensate based either on a flat weekly fee or a more lucrative incentive system based on number of dates acquired per week.

    But for real certainty that you’ll be making money, I think it’s hard to beat this position:

    Precision Artist

    DETAILED ARTIST

    Needed a professional artist who is skilled in the art of fine detail. I am an ex-printer that specializes in making satirical knock-offs of various currency. This project is STRICTLY FOR FUN however. The artist should be skilled in rendering precision quality portraits of various popular deceased presidents. The artist needs to be thoroughly acquainted with color shifting inks and their application on various types of cloth paper stock and aware of the latest print technology including numerical type-setting. It would be of great benefit if they were familiar with new 3d technology such as making detailed holograms or at least willing to learn. This part is absolutely critical they must be willing to listen, pay attention, extremely eager to do a great job{PERFECTIONIST} and is willing to follow specific directions. Looking for that special person who is extremely motivated by company benefits {SPECIAL PERKS} and KNOWS exactly what he is doing. On a personal note no we don’t run background checks or use e-verify so we won’t know if you’ve ever been to a FEDERAL PENITENTIARY.

    Thanks for all the material, Mike!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1758: Like whining for chocolate

    Since Mackenzie sent our first two posts this week, let’s go for a trifecta: (That’s Latin for “three fectas”!)

    Searching For A Job Needing Help Without A Boss That…… (All Over)

    IM LOOKING FOR A JOB THAT IS IN NEED OF HELP. BUT I AM NOT LOOKING FOR WORK THAT HAS A BOSS WHO IS A TOTAL JACK-ASS HIPACRITE!!!!!!! A BOSS WHO ISNT A WHINER, CRY-BABY, OR A PUSSY BOSS, WHO QUIET FRANKLY ACTS LIKE A LITTLE BITCH, OR NEEDS AND WANTS MORE THAN A KID WANTING CHOCOLATE. IF YOU ARE A BOSS THAT FITS THIS SUBJECT THEN DO NOT REPLY. I DO TALK ON THE PHONE, TEXT, AND SMOKE. BUT I GET MY WORK AND TASKS DONE.

    This person meets ALMOST all of the criteria I have for a potential employee:

    • They smoke.
    • They text and talk on the phone while on the job.
    • They have no idea how to turn off caps lock…
    • …or when to stop using exclamation points.
    • They can’t spell “Hypocrite.”

    That pretty much summarizes my ideal employee right there. Sadly, I also need someone who lives in (everywhere) rather than (All Over), so I guess I’ll be looking elsewhere.

    Thanks for the week, Mackenzie! Next week, you can drive the YSaC backhoe if you like!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1732: Art for crap’s sake.

    Need someone to change a wedding photo a little…


    for 10 bucks I just need someone to do a semi-convincing photo shop of a wedding photo. It is a pic of them cutting a cake. I need it to look like they are cutting an animal for some sort of sacrifice or something and the faces need to be blurred out like it would be on the show COPS. It doesn’t need to be perfect. Just pretty good. I can easily do it in something like MSPAINT but…c’mon…it would be crap.

    Payment is via paypal. I’ll shoot it over. You can invoice me if you are a professional

    Full subscription to Photoshop CC 2014: $49/month
    High end photo editing workstation: $10,000
    4 years of art school: $150,000

    Ability to help Sparky here mangle someone’s wedding photo? Priceless.

    No, literally priceless. As in, probably no one will do this for any price.

    Have fun with MS Paint there, Sparky.

    Thanks for the post, Lisa!

  • YSaC, Vol. 467: Yay team!

    CHERRLEADING COUACH AND OR DANCE COUACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    mMy cherrleading team at [name of high school] colligent does not have a coauch this year and we really need one asap!!! We are not allowed to do any stunting till we have a certified coauch please we really need your help!!!!!!!!
    We are a great group of girls dedicated and passoinite about our work. This would count as volenteer hours for you. Practic and scuedual will work for you we will plan it to how it works for you. Thank you!!

    Your North American public school system at work, ladies and gentlemen. It’s too bad that their dedication and passoin doesn’t extend to, say, their coursework.

    “Gimme an S!
    Gimme a U!
    Gimme a C!
    Gimme a K!

    What’s that spell?

    No, really, what’s that spell? I have no idea.”

    Sometimes the stereotypes just reinforce themselves.

    Thanks to Wren for passing this one along from Kijiji.com! (I’m not going to use 38 exclamation points. I’m tempted to,* but I won’t.)

    *This may not actually be true.

  • YSaC, Vol. 445: Someone to sit over me …

    someone to sit on me for four hours

    Date: 2009-09-05, 6:31PM

    NEED A GUY TO SIT ON MY BACK FOR FOUR HOURS A WEEK FOR 20 DOLLARS AND HOUR ,HAS TO BE IN GOOD SHAPE, CAN NOT WEIGH MORE THAT 170 , THE REASON FOR THIS IS THAT I HAVE A BAD BACK AND THE PRESSURE HELPS ME RELIEVE THE PAIN NO BULL SHIT HERE , YOU COULD WATCH TV OR USE THE COMPUTER WHILE DOING THIS , PLEASE REPLY BY EMAIL xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx@YAHOO,COM

    thebean122 sent this in a while back. I thought, “Hmmm, that’s a little weird, but some people enjoy having their backs walked on, so maybe it’s not totally nuts,” and put it in the “probably not crazy” folder.

    Then Jami(no”e”) found this ad (separately) and sent it in.

    Need someone to sit on lap

    Date: 2009-09-22, 5:45AM EDT

    I have bad back problems, and need someone to sit on my lap for four hours a day ,it helps me straigten my, back I know it sound weird but it helps , willing to pay ten dollars and hour for four hours , twice a week , has to be in good shape and looking for a male to do it because they are stronger to do this sort of job, if you are interested e mail , this is not bs ,you could watch tv, use computer I will even give you food, please respond , just want to let you know that I am not gay or anything like that , just need the weight of you leaning on me , that is all, and sitting on me helps , trust me this is not what I wanted but it helps, thank you

    Despite the fact that yours truly has the memory of a steel colander, I remembered the initial ad. Yup, same town. Same comma style. But, it’s moved from someone sitting on his back for 4 hours a week for $20/hr to sitting on his LAP for 4 hours twice a week for $10/hr. And of course it has to be a male, because males are stronger at sitting on laps. That makes perfect sense. Women make terrible lap-sitters; everybody knows that.

    Maybe it’s just me, but my fetish-o-meter is going off. Look, dude, it’s fine with me if you want people to sit on you. It’s even fine with me if you want to PAY people to sit on you. Just be honest about why, okay? Oh, right, and be consistent when you post your searches on Craigslist, because some people have good memories.

  • YSaC, Vol. 410: Unemployment problem solved!

    Stuff Coordinator /part-time job/ $1000 monthly

    Condrea Group is a large European company. We are currently hiring employees in the USA for the position of Stuff Coordinator. This is a part-time job. The schedule of work 1-3 hours per day.

    Duties:

    Forwarding of post parcels to our customers.

    Primary job requirements:

    * Age over 21 years
    * Basic knowledge of the computer
    * Ability to print and scan documents
    * Ability to lift packages weighing up to 40 lbs
    * Accuracy and responsibility

    Send your resume for consideration.

    Sarah sends this listing, saying, “I love stuff! I could totally be a stuff coordinator. I wonder what kind of stuff I’ll be coordinating. I can’t wait to put that title on my new business cards!”

    Best of luck with your new job, Sarah. I’m sure there’s absolutely no chance that this is a scam; after all, you’d have a title and everything! After a few months, they’ll move you up to managing things. After that, who knows? Maybe you’ll become head of widgets, doodads and gizmos. Just remember us little people when you’re a big, important doohickey specialist, okay?