YSaC, Vol. 467: Yay team!
CHERRLEADING COUACH AND OR DANCE COUACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mMy cherrleading team at [name of high school] colligent does not have a coauch this year and we really need one asap!!! We are not allowed to do any stunting till we have a certified coauch please we really need your help!!!!!!!!
We are a great group of girls dedicated and passoinite about our work. This would count as volenteer hours for you. Practic and scuedual will work for you we will plan it to how it works for you. Thank you!!
Your North American public school system at work, ladies and gentlemen. It’s too bad that their dedication and passoin doesn’t extend to, say, their coursework.
“Gimme an S!
Gimme a U!
Gimme a C!
Gimme a K!
What’s that spell?
No, really, what’s that spell? I have no idea.”
Sometimes the stereotypes just reinforce themselves.
Thanks to Wren for passing this one along from Kijiji.com! (I’m not going to use 38 exclamation points. I’m tempted to,* but I won’t.)
*This may not actually be true.
My colligent cud youse a speeling couach. (I cudn’t even figgar owt wat “colligent” means)
“Collegiate”, which is part of the name of the school, apparently.
Thanks… I’d been obsessively rolling possibilities around in my head – “currently”, “contingent”, “collagen” – but “collegiate” certainly never came to mind (not with this post).
I bet they know a lot about the use of collagen.
If so, that would be some serious irony…
I’m wondering if they are looking for a couch that coaches??
“Hey, let’s hedge our bets and use ALL the letters, just in case!”
There should be a tag based on this. Maybe “hedging your bets”?
“Oops, I dropped the keyboard”?
I think I went to High School with that girl 15 years ago. Maybe she’s still there? But referring to herself as a “girl” at our age…
The only thing this is an advertisment for is homeschooling.
It literally hurt my eyes to read this thing.
They are not allowed to do any stunting? You don’t need a coach, couch, or couach to deprive yourself of proper nutrition, just eat badly. It’s not that hard! Also, I hear cigarettes stunt your growth (according to old people/relatives of mine). Smoke up, missy!
Kids these days, man … you have to spell everything out, and even then have no idea if they will get it.
Also: “passoinite”? Isn’t that a simulated semi-precious gemstone or something?
Lola -you are correct, I recognise “passionite” from QVC – its very awthentik and set in 13 carrot platinum sold by stunted ex-cherrleaders who fit it into their busy scueduals and speak fluent exclamation marks.
I will go now and lie down and pray for forgiveness for my misdemeanours from the great Spelling Bee.
Don’t forget coffee. Many of my elderly relatives said that coffee will stunt your growth. Get the cheerleaders to a Starbucks!
See, I call shenanigans on that, because I started drinking coffee around the time I turned twenty-one and grew almost an inch over the next two years. It was clearly a lack of coffee holding me back (or down, in this case), and all the people who told me it would stunt my growth just wanted to make sure they would always be taller than me.
I second the shenanigans. I started drinking coffee when I was twelve and I’m 6’6″.
Thank god I don’t drink coffee then. I’m 6′ tall and that’s plenty for a woman. Especially one that is NOT athletically talented.
I’m gonna call shenanigans on all the people calling shenanigans then using anecdotal evidence. Unless you’ve lived two lives from birth in the same body with and without coffee.
Then I wouldn’t call shenanigans.
I’ve heard excessive alcohol use will stunt growth and inhibit brain function.
It would explain a lot.
hey,, my alchohol use.
is none of you’re buziness!!!!1!
I thought a Poissonite was a fan of the Madame du Pompadour.
I thought it was a brand of luggage.
I’m British, so excuse my naiuvete (extra vowels – hawt!) but doesn’t “count as volunteer hours for you” kinda suggest that they’d be looking for someone with a community service judicial sentence? Or is there another meaning to this?
I’m an American and I thought the same thing. Just the sort of person you’d want hanging around immpressionable youth. They could learn a valuable skill, like hot-wiring a car, instead of working on that weird synchronized clapping thing “cerrleaders” do.
I think synchronized clapping IS a valuable skill, especially when you get to college and need to play those clapping, cup slapping drinking games. Keep in mind that the drinking could also help their stunting.
A lot of high schools require their students to do a certain number of hours of “volunteer” community service. Of course, licensed coaches/couches usually aren’t in high school any more, so I don’t know why this would apply to them. Perhaps these girls think the whole world works like high school?
I think there are some service groups, like certain sororities and fraternities, that have similar requirements. I’ve never been in one, so I can’t be sure.
And then there are the prisons, too.. 😉
In this province, kids are required to work 40 volunteer hours in order to graduate from high school. But I doubt they’d be looking for a high school student to coach/couch/coauch them.
Does it make anyone else cry a little inside knowing that this girl can’t even spell “cheerleading” right? People like this are who we will eventually be trusting the well being of our society with.
drmk is right, humanity is doomed.
*edit to add: but on the bright side, she used the proper form or “your” which is oh-so rare to find these days.*
Worse still, this young lady is probably headed for college, where she will (a.) go into debt and (b.) major in education. Give her six or seven years, and she’ll be applying to teach middle-school English with those spelling skills.
My fiance is majoring in Elementary Education. He refuses to associate with nearly any of his peers in his major because the vast majority have about the same brain function as this lady.
Keep in mind that the school I go to is listed as 5th best in the nation and #1 in the Midwest for producing quality teachers! I am terrified to see what the other schools produce…
I think the correct use of “your” is a fluke, given all the other very glaring problems here.
There is a 33.3% chance of getting it right and it was bound to happen one day. Kind of like winning the grammar lottery.
I think the proper use of “your” here is a fluke, because it’s easier to just type “your”.
Is the Grammar Lottery anything like a Grammar Rodeo?
Yeah, I’m gonna take a second and apologize for my generation.
I’m 16, and I feel like my school is almost entirely made up of idits who tlk lk dis LOL!!!!
Don’t worry, you can entrust the world to me.
I’ll take it over and make sure nothing goes wrong. 😉
Igor, they do NOT talk like me, I can assure you. 😉 The world would be a slightly more coherent and less giggly place.
Thank you Igor for restoring a bit of my hope in the younger generation. We need to gather you, and kids like you (intelligent) and keep you in a secure, undisclosed, underground location so when these kids try to take over the world we’ll have you to come up with a master plan to re-gain control. I’m pretty sure people like this “cherrleader” are the zombies everyone is so worried will take over…
Do I get to form up in an awesome killing square, like World War Z? 😛
Igor: do what is necessary.
You may begin compiling your “First Up Against The Wall When The Revolution Comes” list as you see fit.
Message from the future:
Igor, did you take over yet? Because I think I love you and I want to know how you turned out. Also, I’m running out of vintage cereal and crisco hiding from the zombie cherrleaders in this underground cave, and I’d like to come out now.
If I had to guess, I would have to say that she/he has been engaging in too much “stunting” already. Stunting that has resulted in one too many head slams into the hardwood basketball floor.
Perhaps this person should practice the skills it takes to be a skilled “couach/coauch” potatoe [hats off to Dan Quayle!] instead.
That’s why they need the couch to land on while stunting. The school authorities have obviously forbidden them from any further saltoing (sorry, I’m unclear as to cheerleading practices since my country is mercifully cheerleaderless) until they acquire a certified couch.
You can lead a cherr to couaching but you cannot make her think. (Apologies to Dorothy Parker).
This is nearly as good as the original.
I’m saddened by the selection process that resulted in this girl posting the ad. “You do it, Brit, you’re the best writer!”
Not surprisingly, Cathy, this is often how many people in my class SPELL.
Please, someone kill me…
No, live Igor, you’ve got to live!
*shakes your prone form dramatically*
Someone has to be the one to lead them out of the darkness … after our generations are gone … they must follow your light.
How do I know it’s you? Your avatar says “I f*cking GLOW,” doesn’t it? 😉
If they’re all following MY light, Lola, we’ve got a problem. Imagine a million people thpeaking like thith?
And hell yeah, it does. Only good looking picture of me ever taken was in my friend’s basement, in the dark- (This is the negative sepia version of it.)
According to my not-at-all-indepth analysis of the google results, schools with “collegiate” in their name seem to be of the boarding school/prep school/private academy ilk.
These are our nation’s elite, people. Doomed indeed.
In my hometown, most of the regular public high schools had “collegiate” in their name. But I’m Canadian so maybe it’s different.
This was, in fact, Canadian.
Oh, it’s Canadian! Whew! Settle down people, Nothing to see here. Just blame Canada for this train wreck.
When the boy was much younger and spreading his spelling wings, his couches were cowches. This actually made me all warm and mooshy inside for a moment.
Ohhhh, so this cherrleader was speaking CANADIAN? No WONDER we couldn’t understand it!
Not where this was posted. It’s in pretty much every high school here.
Maybe these cheerleaders got dropped one too many times during a game?
I am hoping that this message was created on a cellphone using only one thumb while the author jumped in place holding a pom-pom in the other hand and giggling passoinuitely.
WHATEVER U POPL R JST JELUS CUZ U CUD NOT B CHERLEDIRS ND U HAT ALL TH POPULR GIRLS!!!
Whew, okay, that’s out of my system. You know it was a LOT harder to write that in stupid people speak than it is to type correctly?
It reminded me of a Yahoo Answers post I saw a while ago. And yes, I just can’t help but put it on here. Hope you will humor me.
“WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE HATE CHEERLEADERS???
People always call us dumb and stupid and slutty, but we’re not! Cheerleaders are actually very smart people, and maybe the reason most cheerleaders are popular is because we ARE smart and people like to be around SMART people.
Most of the girls at my school that hate cheerleaders are the fat, ugly, rude, annoying girls who are jealous of us. It’s their fault that they are fat and ugly … not ours. Maybe they should SHUT UP AND LOOSE SOME WEIGHT.
Also, cheerleaders ARE NOT sluts, or whores, or whatever you want to call it. We get boyfriends, because the boys like us because we are beautiful and smart at what we do. Why would a guy want to go out with some ugly girl? It’s only natural to want to be with beautiful people, and cheerleaders tend to be beautiful people.
So I think most people are jealous of us. I think the other girls are jealous of us because they want to be beautiful, and popular like we are … but their not. So what do you think? Do you agree with me?
3 years ago
Additional Details
basketball_chick … what do you mean we “show ourselves to boys”? Whatever that means, we don’t do that. Your obviously a lesbian.”
The last line is really the kicker, don’t ya think? I do assume that any girl who doesn’t approve of slutty behavior is a lesbian. They are such prudes.
And I think this lovely lady probably had one of those “ugly” girls write this for her.
I shudder when I think that these two could somehow make it into positions of power.
Meredith, I present to you two things to describe my generation:
http://failblog.org/2009/04/10/intelligence-fail/
And my sincerest apologies. I’m ashamed of my age group too. And I rarely, if ever, apologize.
Dude. I would not even put you in the same category as someone who thinks tumbling is a sport and doesn’t like chess. They should apologize to you instead of you apologizing for them.
Igor, you are exempt from the massive failings of your age group. Welcome to the warms embrace of those “too cool for school”…or too old.
it must have been an only moderately ugly girl, as “your” was not correct……again *sigh*
This reminds me of a movie I saw, “But I’m a Cheerleader!”. This girl’s family and friends stage an intervention because they think she’s gay and send her to a ‘re-orientation camp’. One of her arguments against going is that she can’t be gay because she’s a cheerleader (hence the title.) I recommend it if you can find it (I discovered it on Netflix), it’s funny and you get to see RuPaul out of drag.
I love that movie!
Me too!!! Her bewildered expression throughout makes the movie. And I was always jealous because RuPaul has to be the ONLY person on EARTH who looks good as both man and woman (although a BIT flamboyant).
At my high school, you also had to have a good amount of expendable income (also known as “rich”). You had to buy you uniforms, pay for the bus to each game, and for trips to competitions. It came to a few hundred dollars each semester, and that was 25 years ago…
I was in the band, we raised money with playathons and Henco candles…. sigh…
Sorry, but if you can’t spell “cheer” (which is relatively simple), I find it difficult to believe that you’d be able to spell “leading” (particularly considering the way that “cheer” is misspelled), or many of the other properly spelled words in this ad (and, while “volunteer” is spelled incorrectly, I would have expected the “-teer” part to present a problem).
She can’t help it – it’s spelled out on the butt of her shorts and she can’t see it from here!
Does anyone else think that this is just asking for creeps and perverts to volunteer? I highly doubt any quality “cherrleading cuoaches” are going to respond to this.
Calling Chris Hansen!
Another show idea for “To Catch a Predator – CraigsList Edition”.
I take back my previous tag suggestion. *THIS* needs to be a tag!
I have a feeling craigslist is already their primary source of predators.
I am temped to take this on, except for the small fact that I am a lazy cat.
If I did take it on, I would require the “cherrleading team” to take one hour of spelling and grammar with me for each hour of “stunting”. That would be the deal, take it or leave it. An hour in the classroom, then an hour on the field.
The problem seems to be that they have more concern for cheerleading than they do for studies.
I don’t think it is fair to blame the school, without knowing anything about the school. Both of my children spent kindergarden through 12th grade in public school, with their parent’s divorce in the middle of it, yet still graduated and received multiple scholarships and are now in college. Yes there are bad schools out there, but there are bad parents and students with bad priorities as well.
Ahem. That is all. -scoots soapbox back to its hiding place –
Speaking as an educator, thank you.
I am an educator as well. What kind of educator are you?
I’m a sexual educator. Is there any other kind?
I nominate Tuffy for cerrleading cuoach for YSaC!
But Tuffy would only choreograph the Grammar Slap.
I don’t think I’d mind…
For the YSaC squad, the Grammar Slap is the most important cheer … move … routine … whatever* that they can learn. Tuffy’s ideal for coauching that.
*I don’t know, I wasn’t part of the “spirit squad,” I was the sort who lounged on the bleachers in what I hoped was an existentially cool fashion and made snarky comments sotto voce during the standard Friday afternoon “pep rally.” It still burns me that the last class of the day got written off once a week in the name of school spirit. Fortunately, I learned spelling and grammar prior to that time, and so was relatively unscathed.
I would sit at the very top of the bleachers behind the tallest person I could find and read a book I smuggled in.
It’s a crying shame when the happy-peppy celebration of a handful of students cuts into the time spent, I don’t know, actually learning something. And heaven forbid you suggest cutting a penny of the sports budget. Get rid of art, music and all that “unimportant stuff” first. Who needs that sort of thing when you could watch someone try to pass a spherical object through an elevated circle? That’s an important life skill, right?
*falls off soapbox*
I really don’t think it would be that hard to become a “certified coauch”. You just need a printer and some basic computer skills. It’s not like anyone would be able to refute your claim, unless there is a Cherrleading Coauch Scurtificaition Assoiciaton I am unaware of.
Actually there is the American Association of Cheerleading Coaches and Administrators. Many high schools require their coaches to be certified for safety reasons. Granted, this has nothing to do with cherrleading or couaching so your guess is as good as mine on that one.
Well, sure, in America! But remember, these are Canadian cherrleaders. A grant of land from the Crown and a few beaver pelts, and you’re certified, eh?
This reminds me of a recent episode of “Glee”, where it was revealed that the members of the award-winning cheer team were getting undeserved passing grades from most teachers and ended up functionally illiterate. Key quote: “I have in my hand a Spanish quiz, in which one of your cheerleaders misspelled her name and answered every question with a drawing of a sombrero.”
Sounds like the only cheerleaders I know…
Look. If these cheerleaders want to be bankers, lawyers, or captains of industry, the most important lesson they could possibly learn is how to do a roundoff. Literacy be damned: “TO GAME!”.
My roommate/as of yet undefined relational partner watches Glee, and I was rebelling against watching it. I’m a fan of REAL old school musicals, and I hate when people say “Me too” and then, “I love Moulin Rouge and Grease”
ANYWAY….I walked in when that scene was going on…it made the show for me.
Glee is pure comedy genius! Much like this craigslist post, but you know, intentionally so.
I’m just going to cry for a while.
I’ll take the job. ‘Couaching’ means coaching them to sit on a couch, right? I’m great at that! Pass the remote.
Perhaps you are right. If so, please recognize that the job of Couch Coach involves much more than just remote control management. A certified Couch Coach should focus on important topics such as:
– The correct Couch Slouch posture
– Supplementing your income with Couch Coins and other Found Treasures
– Don’t eat that Cheeto!
– What’s that smell?
Not having any formal training in couch sitting, I find this topic fascinating!
I am curious, emsies, I understand Couch Coins but what other Found Treasures are you supplementing your income with? Most of the Treasures I discover in my couch just go in the garbage, should I be selling these things or something? Have I been missing out on a money making opportunity all these years?
Trinket, by “Found Treasures” I most often find “Alternate food sources” (Disgusting probably germy things that I eat anyway)
Also, you can supplement that beer belly with a sculpted gluteus maximus, just do some butt push-ups!
For just $19.99, you can learn the secrets of Couch To Cash, my best selling ebook! Make thousands a week from the comfort of your living room!!!!!
emsies,
Are you going to sell your book on Craigslist?
Lola,
for a limited time only, you can buy this on YSaC. Just scroll up to the top of the page and click on the link. Thanks, drmk!
HA HA
Made you look.
Okay, probably not.
Don’t forget the advanced course: “Using a couch recliner – look out for the cat!”
Now I finally know who orders using those pictograph menus at McDonald’s…
*Cerrleader points at pictograph menu*
“I want that.”
*minimum wage worker stares at her.*
“That’s Mayor McCheese.”
“Can I get him without cheese? I’m at the top of the pyramid next week. Oh, and two of those purple blobs and a side of scary clown for my friend.”
You are awesome.
I nominate “Side of Scary Clown” for Band Name of the Day.
SaraJean, I’m in hysterics at work right now. I’m squinting at the screen because I’m crying happy tears.
I…I think I love you.
Oh, and I NOMINATE SARAJEAN FOR COMMENT OF THE WEEK!!! ALL IN FAVOR????
I’m blushing 🙂
Ow, that hurt my feelings, Heather. Illiterate people have feelings too, you know! I had to use the pictograph menu just last night. Granted I live in China so I’m dealing with learning a second language and not my native tongue, but still!
You get a free pass, trinket. But this girl…
I think I’ve cracked the code.
The overuse of exclamation marks is actually an alpha numeric code. There are 4 instances of exclamation mark overuse to the following degrees:
25, 3, 8, 2 – now using a simple system of a=1, b=2 etc. you get the letters Y, C, H, B……..OK nothing yet, but you will also note the overuse of the word ‘it’ in the last sentence:
“plan it to how it works”
So mixing the letters Y, C, H, B, I, T………..you get BITCHY.
Jeez them cheerleaders is smart sometimes. They make out like they’re tards but actually they’re dissing people IN CODE!!!!!
Just like the Governator!
Also, nice analysis.
Wow, you really do have a lot of time on your hands. Maybe you should consider volunteering. Do you know anything about cherrleading?
This gave me the giggles so bad it made people stare. Good one ♥
Somehow, the mention of this counting as ‘volenteer’ hours makes me think of a really bad movie plot involving a hardened criminal out on parole and a team of idiotic but lovable cheerleaders who need his help coaching their team. From there it could either turn into a heart-warming comedy or a gut-wrenching horror. Or some amazing combination of the two.
Wasn’t Billy Bob Thorton in that?
I vote for gut-wrenching horror. I’d watch Billy Bob make french fried per-ta-ters out of cherrleaders.
GIMME A G!
GIMME A U!
Aah, F it. You get the idea.
F-a-n-d-a-n-g-o? H-h-hobocamp…?
My eyeballs are burning. I see spelling like this in elementary school kids. How is it she’s in high school?