You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: humanity is doomed

  • YSaC, Vol. 1793: Yo. I can do that.

    Do you like to do work? Preferably something which requires years of training, and expensive equipment that you have to provide yourself? Are you nonetheless morally opposed to monetary compensation for such work? Mike, one of our regular readers, lives in a city where you’ll have PLENTY of opportunities!

    REBRANDING! looking for VIDEO/PHOTOGRAPHER

    compensation: no pay

    GREETINGS!

    Male Socialite looking to rebrand myself and webpage in the upcoming new year! I am looking to grow into a self proclaimed “Creatif”! I have plenty of concepts, and I am open to yours also! I am looking to create images from outlandish to fashionable. I am a graphic designer so raw or edited images are fine! Looking to shoot sooner then later, but open to scheduling things further into the year! Dont hesitate to hit me up! Looking forward to hearing from you!

    Because helping you realize your dreams of becoming a modern day Oscar Wilde is definitely going to pay off down the road.

    Photographer for Exotic Fitness Model

    I’m beautiful and fit and I’m looking for a team of photographers that can capture my beautiful fit physique. I’m also building my brand so I’m interested in photographers that have great contacts in the health and fitness industry. I expect a full portfolio, I will provide my own wardrobe and makeup artist. You must have a professional portfolio of work before I will consider working with you.

    Serious inquiries only. Forward your info including contact info.

    No Pay. I provide you with a stunning model and you provide photos.

    How about I just provide you with “no?” However, I know someone who MIGHT want to photograph you, just not in the way you intended:

    A very particular kind of photography

    I am an extremely experienced photographer looking for help for a new body of work I am putting together. I am looking for people to model for me for pictures that could show your face your eyes, your mouth, or any part of your body being touched. Yes, I would want to touch you–perhaps very intimately–while I am photographing you. No, I would not try to have sex with you. If you are interested, please shoot me a note. I am very serious about this. You get copies of everything, and if there is any kind of picture you need, I will shoot it for you.

    If you really insist that there be at least a possibility of compensation, there’s always THIS guy:

    Wanted: Online dating Digital Voice

    compensation: Compensation based either on a flat weekly fee or incentive program

    Getting a lot of matches on Tinder and Hinge, but schedule does not permit to holla at bitches all day long.

    Need someone to craft endearing and provocative messages through my online dating networks with the end goal of securing real world dates. In other words, I am looking to hire someone to be my online dating digital voice. No help needed once date is secured as my real-life pimp game is on point.

    About me:
    – Well-above average looking guy
    – Normal Cat
    – Sailor, cyclist, traveler, great sense of humor, outdoorsy, lover of life, and dog-lover

    Ideal Candidate:
    – Lipstick lesbian who understands women, but who enjoys the company of men
    – Non-judgmental and believes in efficiency
    – Great sense of humor and dog-lover

    Will compensate based either on a flat weekly fee or a more lucrative incentive system based on number of dates acquired per week.

    But for real certainty that you’ll be making money, I think it’s hard to beat this position:

    Precision Artist

    DETAILED ARTIST

    Needed a professional artist who is skilled in the art of fine detail. I am an ex-printer that specializes in making satirical knock-offs of various currency. This project is STRICTLY FOR FUN however. The artist should be skilled in rendering precision quality portraits of various popular deceased presidents. The artist needs to be thoroughly acquainted with color shifting inks and their application on various types of cloth paper stock and aware of the latest print technology including numerical type-setting. It would be of great benefit if they were familiar with new 3d technology such as making detailed holograms or at least willing to learn. This part is absolutely critical they must be willing to listen, pay attention, extremely eager to do a great job{PERFECTIONIST} and is willing to follow specific directions. Looking for that special person who is extremely motivated by company benefits {SPECIAL PERKS} and KNOWS exactly what he is doing. On a personal note no we don’t run background checks or use e-verify so we won’t know if you’ve ever been to a FEDERAL PENITENTIARY.

    Thanks for all the material, Mike!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1757: Hey, what’s this button for?

    doomesday preppers

    are you ready to take the next step

    I confess, the first three times I read this, I thought it said “doomsday peppers,” which I assume are basically like ghost peppers, but slightly hotter, such that consuming them brings about the end of the world. (They would only need to be slightly hotter than ghost peppers.)

    However, a more careful reading indicates that it’s actually “Doomesday” peppers. So these are clearly peppers which are used to record land ownership in England and Wales in the 11th century.

    Silly me.

    Thanks for the post, Mackenzie!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1730: They’re both named Gordon.

    2 Snow cap Geicos with all accesories and cage

    Well, here we go again!. My 6 year old has decided to stop playing and holding her geico’s. We have had them for a couple years and they are both great. You can hold both of them with no issues. One of the geicos needs to be hand fed with tweezers. He a little dumb! LOL The other is a great feeder and hunter and no issues. They both eat crickets. WE buy 24 of the every couple weeks for like $3.50. Other than that very easy to care for.

    You’ll get cage and everything in it and any criskets we have left.

    Small rehoming fee of $20.00 for everything.

    You know these kids these days. You give them a couple of large international insurance companies, and they lose interest after a while and stop playing with them and feeding them. At least this time it’s just these Geicos; last time I had to figure out what to do with two Aflacs. Nobody would take those — something about their voices being really annoying.

    Thanks, Ralph!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1656: Which witch is winch?

    2011 jeep grand Cherokee 4wd – $9000

    I have a 4wd Jeep Cherokee. Its is dully loaded and has a which attached to front ranch hand bumper and grill gaurd. It is on a 4 in suspension lift and a 6 inch body lift has 35 mud grip tires(1200) witch has only been on it for two months. The truck only has 48,000 miles on it. i am looking to trade it but I looking for certain things only. I don’t need it but its paid for so O don’t have to sell it. Now here is what I am looking for. A lady( preferable married to how wants the jeep) she mist be 18 to 50 and fit. I give you the jeep and you leave your wife with me for a week. When you come pick her up she have the signed title to the jeep. So if interested send me several photo of the wife and I get right back to you. The photo need to be nude after all she will be for a week.

    Hi all! It’s drmk here. You may have noticed that Dan’s been writing most of the posts recently. That’s because I’ve been … er, away. I’m back now, though.

    Hey, do you like our new Jeep?

    Thanks, Chance!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1655: I can swing my sword.

    Sword (cursed) – $100

    Looking to sell my sword. The power and temptation are too much to bear anymore. Here’s a little bit about the sword:

    42″ blade, Cursed so that it will kill a man every time it is used and will be the cause of three great evils.

    * Forged by magic, handle carved from the tree Barnstokkr.
    * Cutting strength and durability beyond that of an ordinary weapon.
    * Unbreakable by anything but wrongful acts of its wielder.
    * Bursts into flame when wielder is challenged or in danger.
    * Under the correct circumstances can sever its victim’s head in one blow!
    * Frightens unworthy opponents and the elderly.

    $100 or best offer. Also willing to trade for other cursed items.

    Hmmm. I don’t know if I’ve got anything cursed lying around here, but I have some haunted furniture and a haunted painting you might be interested in.

    Wait, I’m trying to understand this sword’s special powers. It’s cursed so that it will kill your opponent? Isn’t that a good thing, assuming that your opponent isn’t Joey from down the street? And apparently it kills your opponent by … bursting into flame. Now, I’m no Medieval specialist, but I was under the impression that swords were supposed to be more on the solid spectrum than the fire spectrum. It seems it is also responsible for the three great evils of Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous, and Titanic 2: Mermaid Saviors. Okay, now we’re talking power.

    Although, I think I’d like a sword that would not break when I rip the tags off my mattress with it.

    Thanks, Angel!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1646: “Me fail business? That’s unpossible!”

    Happy New Year, everyone! New Years Day is about self-reflection, and carefully considering how you will make yourself a better person in 2014. It’s about making a fresh start, and about being optimistic about the year ahead. It’s about the joy and wonder we can each find in our fellow man. It’s …

    who can tell that what’s my GPA score?

    I do not know my GPA ? who can tell me ? need apply for school

    Oh, never mind. It’s all about the Sparkys, just like every year.

    Happy New Year! Thanks, Buff!

    * To be fair, there is no GPA listed here, and this appears to be a transcript from a British university where they don’t calculate GPAs. But since Sparky here had 100% attendance in his Business program, one might assume that he would (a) know that and (b) be able to conjugate English verbs. Also, if Sparky has completed a Masters degree, and is applying for school, that means … no, it’s just too horrible to think about.