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YSaC, Vol. 1655: I can swing my sword.

Written by

drmk

in

Sword (cursed) – $100

Looking to sell my sword. The power and temptation are too much to bear anymore. Here’s a little bit about the sword:

42″ blade, Cursed so that it will kill a man every time it is used and will be the cause of three great evils.

* Forged by magic, handle carved from the tree Barnstokkr.
* Cutting strength and durability beyond that of an ordinary weapon.
* Unbreakable by anything but wrongful acts of its wielder.
* Bursts into flame when wielder is challenged or in danger.
* Under the correct circumstances can sever its victim’s head in one blow!
* Frightens unworthy opponents and the elderly.

$100 or best offer. Also willing to trade for other cursed items.

Hmmm. I don’t know if I’ve got anything cursed lying around here, but I have some haunted furniture and a haunted painting you might be interested in.

Wait, I’m trying to understand this sword’s special powers. It’s cursed so that it will kill your opponent? Isn’t that a good thing, assuming that your opponent isn’t Joey from down the street? And apparently it kills your opponent by … bursting into flame. Now, I’m no Medieval specialist, but I was under the impression that swords were supposed to be more on the solid spectrum than the fire spectrum. It seems it is also responsible for the three great evils of Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous, and Titanic 2: Mermaid Saviors. Okay, now we’re talking power.

Although, I think I’d like a sword that would not break when I rip the tags off my mattress with it.

Thanks, Angel!

Comments

53 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 1655: I can swing my sword.”

  1. CapnMac Avatar
    CapnMac

    ugh. Sorry all I have is gibberish. Perhaps I’m cursed. Even some inflammation–but the creme seems to be working . . .

  2. Dave and Ferret Tribe Avatar
    Dave and Ferret Tribe

    Thanks, but I think I’ll pass. If I brought this into the same house with my headboard with bad juju, I might start a chain reaction of supernatural awfulness.

  3. C"From Behind.....Suddenly"J Avatar
    C”From Behind…..Suddenly”J

    Kind Sir,

    I hereby demand the return of my sword, as there are many enemies within my country (and without) for which the sword is the only defense.

    Also, Lancelot needs a good beheading for his, ahem, indiscretions with my wife.

    Sincerely,

    King Arthur of Camelot

    1. CapnMac Avatar
      CapnMac

      I used to trade with King Arthur of Flour. But, the soufflé has risen and fallen upon that regime.

    2. Supreme Ruler Avatar
      Supreme Ruler

      Oh, I do love “a good beheading”.

  4. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
    MissMommyNiceNice

    Step 1: obtain magical sword to vanquish my elderly enemies
    Step 2: discover curse
    Step 3: accidentally burn down my great hall
    Step 4: profit

    1. SilvaNoir Avatar
      SilvaNoir

      Better luck next time, Beowulf

  5. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
    MissMommyNiceNice

    I didn’t realize Ikea was making swords now. Do I have to assemble it and does my ability to read cryptic pictogram instructions affect its curse and/or effectiveness?

    1. ghostcat Avatar
      ghostcat

      I got one of those cursed swords from Ikea once, I tried putting it together and ended up with a trebuchet.

      And I still had a couple of little widgets left over.

      1. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
        MissMommyNiceNice

        I curse A LOT any time I put anything together from Ikea.

  6. mudslicker Avatar
    mudslicker

    The Sword and the Stoned

    Is this CL post from Colorado?

  7. TC Avatar
    TC

    I found the gaping plot hole in your saga, Sparky:

    The sword kills a man every time it is used. You know of its power, which means you must have used it already or seen someone else use it. And yet, it breaks if the wielder commits a wrongful act. Such as… killing another person. So tell me, how does this thing still exist?

    I know. I am absolutely no fun at all.

    1. DigitalAxis Avatar
      DigitalAxis

      It was a “stand your ground” situation. Or, as they all it, “You! Shall! Not! Pass!”

  8. HamCan Avatar
    HamCan

    I’ll take “Swords” for $100 Trebek.

    1. DigitalAxis Avatar
      DigitalAxis

      Scimitar!

      1. P-Rex Avatar
        P-Rex

        You need to answer in the form of a question.

        Where is my scimitar?

        FIFY

        1. Brer Fox Avatar
          Brer Fox

          Does your scimitar lose its flavor on the bed post overnight?

  9. nojazzhere Avatar
    nojazzhere

    FINALLY!!!! The answer to our student behavioral problems in our schools! May I borrow this sword for a few days? I promise to return it with only a few scorch-marks. I’m tired of being cursed by sixth graders….and sweet-faced little girls at that!!!

  10. meeshybee Avatar
    meeshybee

    I will take the sword to Mordor!

    1. ghostcat Avatar
      ghostcat

      Do you know the way?

      1. CapnMac Avatar
        CapnMac

        Isn’t it on the way to San José?

      2. meeshybee Avatar
        meeshybee

        I should be good as long as I make that left at Albuquerque.

        …Or was it a right?

      3. meeshybee Avatar
        meeshybee

        Actually, I could use a sexy exiled-king-turned-freelance-ranger-going-by-the-pseudonym-“Strider” as a guide.

        No elf chicks.

        1. ghostcat Avatar
          ghostcat

          You and me both, Meeshie.

    2. HamCan Avatar
      HamCan

      So…it’s the sword of MoreDoors, lets see if it works…

  11. meeshybee Avatar
    meeshybee

    The temptation to use a sword that bursts into flame and murders people is too much to bear? Sparky must work with the public.

    1. ghostcat Avatar
      ghostcat

      There are just those special people that you meet who make you think “Why hasn’t anyone hit you over the head with a clue-by-four yet?”

      1. Brer Fox Avatar
        Brer Fox

        Ow!

  12. One Moving Violation Avatar
    One Moving Violation

    Sword (cursed) – $100

    So does this mean you swear at the sword when you use the sword?
    Do you swear at your enemy when you use the sword?
    Do you swear at the sword when it bursts into flame?
    Do you swear at the sword when it breaks?

    1. CapnMac Avatar
      CapnMac

      This precisely why soul reapers are meant to wait ten years before attempting to achieve bankai with their zampakuto.

  13. One Moving Violation Avatar
    One Moving Violation

    Cursed so that it will kill a man every time it is used and will be the cause of three great evils.

    Does this mean if it is used against a woman, somewhere in the world a man dies?
    What if I use it to cut down a tree?

    Cutting strength and durability beyond that of an ordinary weapon.

    Even cheese?

    Unbreakable by anything but wrongful acts of its wielder.

    Like selling a cursed sword on CL?

    Bursts into flame when wielder is challenged or in danger.

    Like when you get to a door that says “PULL”?

    Under the correct circumstances can sever its victim’s head in one blow!

    It’ll huff. It’ll puff. It’ll blow your head off.

    Frightens unworthy opponents and the elderly.

    Ha! You’ve never seen Granny wield her walker have you?

    1. Brer Fox Avatar
      Brer Fox

      Bursts into flame when wielder is challenged or in danger

      Really? Let’s see.
      *grabs sword*
      *walks up to door that says “PULL”*
      *push on door*
      *sword bursts into laughter*
      BWAHAHAHAHA!
      Okay, maybe it’s just you.

  14. HamCan Avatar
    HamCan

    Forged by Magic

    Brings a who new meaning to “point guard”.

    1. P-Rex Avatar
      P-Rex

      Who new brewn cue.

  15. P-Rex Avatar
    P-Rex

    Don’t want anything that bursts into flame. It’s bad enough when things burst into tissues.

  16. Innana Avatar
    Innana

    Be careful — this might put an eye out.

    1. Innana Avatar
      Innana

      a corey: I think this was Odin the One-eyed’s sword (see my eye warning up above). I was waiting to see if someone else posted this.

  17. zoe Avatar
    zoe

    Sorrowful Sparky seeks substitute slayer to sustain Soylent Green supply.

    1. Bombdude Avatar
      Bombdude

      Anachronistic alliteration… Aclamatory approval amassed!

  18. TC Avatar
    TC

    It’s not a greatsword. I’m not even sure I’d call it a prettygoodsword. It’s a mediocresword at best.

  19. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
    MissMommyNiceNice

    Three Great Evils is my Nickel Back/Slipknot/Maroon 5 mashup band.

    1. Bombdude Avatar
      Bombdude

      Harsh words indeed!

      1. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
        MissMommyNiceNice

        I will not lie that it took me a minute to remember nickel back’s name so I googled worst band ever and lo and behold, I was not failed!

  20. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
    MissMommyNiceNice

    With this cursed sword will I finally be able to defeat the horrors of the golden piccolo and earn my seat at the red table?

  21. SpaceBug Avatar
    SpaceBug

    The sword is a LIE!
    I recognize it.
    Sparkles tried to use it on me once, but all it did was singe my beard.
    Then again, a elderly gent across the street did die of a heart attack.

    1. HamCan Avatar
      HamCan

      It may be a lie, but it can cook and cut cake at the same time!

  22. SpaceBug Avatar
    SpaceBug

    Sparky’s Three Styled Sword

    There once was a sword with a curse.
    A C-note removed from your purse.
    In magic was forged.
    In flame it’s engorged.
    For killing you needn’t rehearse.

    The power, temptation, and three evils great.
    Unbending, unyielding at all dangers’ gate.
    A wielder, unwrongful, swing a fine weapon.
    Opponents, beheaded, leave blood to step in.
    Unworthy, the frightened, you’ll think of your fate.
    Unbroken, Barnstokkr, but don’t show your mate.

    Unbearable now
    Elderly need not apply
    Refrigerator

  23. Ralph Avatar
    Ralph

    “Bursts into flame when wielder is challenged or in danger.”

    Finally, a useful tool for internet flame wars. How do you attach it to a comment?

    1. limelolly Avatar
      limelolly

      -|====>

      Like that.

      1. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
        MissMommyNiceNice

        -|=====>~~

        There, I fixed it for you.

  24. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    kelli, One, C””J, Punchity Punch Punch! Hey, stop all the cursing, will you?

    Good Morning, Silly English K-niggits!

  25. Irregular Fractal Avatar
    Irregular Fractal

    Clearly, this was the sword used in Highlander 2. That would explain all of this rot.

  26. One Moving Violation Avatar
    One Moving Violation

    Today on YSaC, we probe the possibility of the existence of cursed swords.

    Apologies for using the terms “probe” and “sword” in the same sentence.

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