You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: possibly awesome

  • YSaC, Vol. 1797: Gotta get movin’ to a clown that’s right for me.

    safety issue

    Is it safe, to allow your kids to eat candy flavored chap stick?

    My son, eats about 3 containers a day, of various flavored lip balm sticks. He particularly likes the blueberry flavored chap sticks.

    He says they give him super powers. So idk? He did survive being hit by a moped, and he didn’t break a bone. And the clowns moped was totaled. So I’m beginning to wonder.

    Chapstick Connoisseur is my Lipps, Inc. cover band.

    What super powers would chapstick consumption convey? The ability to …

    Okay, wait a minute. Seriously — you just know that the dancers in that video have had nightmares about this gig ever since, especially the poor girl designated the lead funky-seeker. I mean, she is not in any way funky, and she could really use an escort to somewhere that would provide her with the recommended daily allowance of funky to ameliorate her funkyless condition, but I’m not sure this was the best way to entice someone who has an excess of funky and the means to provide transport to allow her to accompany them on their journey.

    I seem to have gotten distracted. Look, a clown on a moped! *crash* oops.

    Thanks, mc l!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1791: Was the immortal guy also Shakespeare? Because then we’d really have something.

    Reply,Reply,Me,Me,Me,Me Brilliant – m4w

    I love Shakespeare’s Sonnet 62, and in it’s irony, the poet’s partner has become part of the poet’s self and hence by praising himself he is in fact praising his beloved who is the source of beauty in the poet’s life.

    The person whom sent me this response. It is a honor to run into someone ,whom is even aware with Shakespeare!I am very impressed that you are out there,hoping that you have secured a viable minds to share your views,and opinions,certainty there must be a man who appreciates cultivation in a woman. I like the Dark Knight have elected to not seek out brilliance,knowledge,or wisdom;inside of s society primarily inspired by social cues. Only a few walk amongst us worthy enough to know the meditations of Marcus A.Not many even have a interested in poetry these days,rarely is one heard in public reciting it openly with passion. Nevermore,Nevermore, my poetic mystery lady,you definitely have revealed that “I am not Alone”/ May i suggest a movie which you might find extremely interesting, produced for philosophical minds like yourself. On a cold night in a remote cabin, Professor John Oldman (David Lee Smith of CSI: MIAMI) gathers his most trusted colleagues for an extraordinary announcement: He is an immortal who has migrated through 140 centuries of evolution and must now move on. he name of the movie is the”The Man from Earth”.

    I think these two lovebirds are made for each other. I mean, the poetic mystery lady who sent the response about Shakespeare’s Sonnet 62 clearly loves poetry enough to plagiarize an interpretation from a bizarre and questionable internet source, and our Dark Knight (minus brilliance, knowledge, or wisdom) has plagiarized the description of the movie he is so intent on having our heroine watch.

    So let’s see: woman responds saying she’s very fond of a sonnet that is apparently a justification for narcissism, and man responds favorably with a reference to a movie about an immortal man who reveals that he himself was Jesus. (Oh, sorry, spoiler alert.)

    Yup, I think these two crazy kids just might make it.

    Thanks, Beth P.!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1746: Hey Jack Kerouac …

    You know what’s always sounded like fun? Loading up everything I own into a motorhome and taking off. Just hitting the Eisenhower highway system, going wherever I want to go, with all the comforts of home right there behind me. These modern motorhomes are just amazing — they’re super efficient with space, and some of the newer ones are downright luxurious.

    The one thing I’d be afraid of is that in windy conditions, they’re pretty much a giant rolling billboard getting blown around on the road. All that surface area just catching the wind — it’s got to be pretty hard to keep it going in a straight line.

    So imagine my excitement about this:

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. 1655: I can swing my sword.

    Sword (cursed) – $100

    Looking to sell my sword. The power and temptation are too much to bear anymore. Here’s a little bit about the sword:

    42″ blade, Cursed so that it will kill a man every time it is used and will be the cause of three great evils.

    * Forged by magic, handle carved from the tree Barnstokkr.
    * Cutting strength and durability beyond that of an ordinary weapon.
    * Unbreakable by anything but wrongful acts of its wielder.
    * Bursts into flame when wielder is challenged or in danger.
    * Under the correct circumstances can sever its victim’s head in one blow!
    * Frightens unworthy opponents and the elderly.

    $100 or best offer. Also willing to trade for other cursed items.

    Hmmm. I don’t know if I’ve got anything cursed lying around here, but I have some haunted furniture and a haunted painting you might be interested in.

    Wait, I’m trying to understand this sword’s special powers. It’s cursed so that it will kill your opponent? Isn’t that a good thing, assuming that your opponent isn’t Joey from down the street? And apparently it kills your opponent by … bursting into flame. Now, I’m no Medieval specialist, but I was under the impression that swords were supposed to be more on the solid spectrum than the fire spectrum. It seems it is also responsible for the three great evils of Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous, and Titanic 2: Mermaid Saviors. Okay, now we’re talking power.

    Although, I think I’d like a sword that would not break when I rip the tags off my mattress with it.

    Thanks, Angel!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1651: Picc your poison.

    Just for fun, here’s something that definitely gets the “trying too hard” tag but doesn’t actually suck. Rather the opposite, really.

    4SP Silver Plated Gemienhardt Piccolo w/ hard case – $300

    They call the trumpet “God’s Instrument.” The instrument that takes a month to learn and a lifetime to master. Forget that. I’m giving you the chance to own “Satan’s Instrument.” The instrument that takes a second to hate and a lifetime to get used to. If your goal is world domination, getting the ball rolling on the apocalypse, or simply disarming someone who’s a little too “rapey,” this miniature flute of terror will hold the game down. And how.

    Brought to you by Lucifer himself, this 4SP Silver Plated Gemienhardt Piccolo will serve his evil minion well. From it’s compact arthritis-inducing body this pipe will unleash a sound that can bring entire crowds of people to their knees in pain and surrender. If you’re thinking of starting a bloody coup, leave the AK-47s and sarin gas at home son, this picc is all you need.

    This instrument has the ability to sing an A five lines above the staff so crisp and clear that if you’re not careful may actually cleave your conductor’s brain clean in half. It’s highest note is one only dogs can hear, that composers have dubbed “X.”

    Apart from the oboe, this is the only instrument able to kick a field goal of pain right between the goal posts of your unfortunate target’s neurons, resulting in synaptic misfires, blown mental fuses, and a complete breakdown of all left brain activity, leaving the right brain to writhe in pain and confusion whilst scrambling all bodily motor functions. Any soul unlucky enough to wind up on the business end of Beezulbub’s piccolo will instantly be reduced to the fetal position and revoked of their right to free will.

    Aside from violating several Geneva Convention protocols, this wailing weaponry can produce frequencies that wreak havoc upon others by causing:
    – sudden unexpected nosebleeds
    – aphasia
    – heart palpitations
    – aneurisms
    – loss of sanity
    – unexplainable rage
    – spontaneous combustion
    – abandonment of the will to live
    – anal leakage

    It’s a common mistake to think that the piccolo also has side effects on it’s user. Many claim it causes acute narcissism, but in reality the only people drawn to this instrument are already delusionally narcissistic, have serial killer tendencies, and show traits as promising future dictators.

    Because of this instrument, I now rule over my own sovereign island, where I preach from balconies and lounge in my throne poppin’ bottles while getting fanned with palm fronds waved by ridiculously hot cabana boys. Tomorrow’s forecast: Whatever the hell I want.

    Since I’m livin’ the dream, I’m retiring from my reign of terror and passing on the torch. Being evil is an arduous, exhaustive effort, and this musical scepter cannot be played by your average whitebread vanilla villain. Only the most cunning, dextrous, morally ambiguous, and questionably sane may apply. Who among you is worthy?

    $300 obo. Willing to throw in a box of gravel and ship.

    Fun fact: drmk owns her own piccolo, and knows how to use it. This ad is pretty much spot on.

    Thanks, Kaitlin! You’ve won the prize of drmk NOT serenading you on the piccolo. Enjoy!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1639: Too hot! In the hot tub!

    Free 4 person Hot tub Trash compactor

    Free 4 -6 person hot tub 80″s ? No motor but inside is good with cover, Trash compactor works well older 90’S dishwasher door askew but runs. Again Hot tub does not have motor
    Call if interested you need to pick up we do not deliver
    Thanks for looking
    Jen xxxxxxxxxx

    I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this movie. The hot tub is really a time machine that will only take you to the ’80s, and once you’re there you realize you’re in the bowels of a spaceship with walls that are closing in and a trash monster that’s trying to squish you, but you’re able to escape because the motor’s broken and the door is half open.

    Kind of a disappointing third act, really.

    Thanks, Kit A!