YSaC, Vol. 712: Darlin’, it’s better down where it’s wetter!

2010 June 29

Actors and cast needed for Titanic 2: Mermaid Saviors


Megamonolith Pictures is holding an open casting call for TITANIC 2: MERMAID SAVIORS, a sequel to the Academy Award-winning 1997 blockbuster TITANIC, on July 1st and 2nd. The film begins moments after the sinking of the Titanic. All who have drowned are brought back to life by a futuristic race of mermaids, called the Mantocks, who welcome the humans to their underwater paradise. Soon after, JACK DAWSON is elected king of the underwater humans. DAWSON requests that all humans be returned above water, a request that is denied by KING MANTROCK. The humans are slowly brainwashed into worshiping their mermaid saviors. Meanwhile, the sunken TITANIC has become a haunted underwater wasteland inhabited by RAGGARO and his band of mermaid pirates. Will the humans ever free themselves from their mermaid slavery? Will the mermaid pirates wage war on Mantock?

All actors seeking consideration must reply to this post with:

1.) A headshot
2.) A few short paragraphs on why they’re qualified for MERMAID SAVIORS.

Actors with mermaid and under water acting experience are highly desirable.

I thought I would post this just in case any YSaC readers haven’t already responded to the casting call for this version of Titanic. Or to this call for a heartfelt goth movie.

Anyway, regular readers will recall that I’m the last remaining person on the planet who has not seen Titanic. I’m afraid that I might miss some of the finer plot points of this sequel. Like, for example, what the futuristic race of mermaids are doing in the freezing waters of the north Atlantic in 1912.

Here’s a sample of dialog from Titanic 2: Mermaid Saviors:

Jack: Glug glug glug gurgle burble glug.

King Mant(r)ock: Gurgle gurgle blub!

Jack: Blurgle glurgle glub!

*shark eats Jack*

Shark: Om nom nom.

Thanks for the submission, Yancy! I look forward to hearing how YSaC readers plan to audition for this retro-futuristic underwater blockbuster.

313 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 June 29
    penguin permalink

    If Johnny Depp is somewhere on the cast list, I’m in. Think they would notice if I used a clip from my daughter’s Ariel dvd and passed it off as an example of my mermaid acting skills?

    Adores: 7
  2. 2010 June 29
    LurkRealClose permalink

    It’s so hard to find actors with mermaid experience, these days. Good thing he thought to post this on CraigsList, rather than someplace silly. I’m sure this movie will be amazing!*

    *This may not actually be true.

    Adores: 7
  3. 2010 June 29
    Grampdaddy permalink

    Completely OT, but mandatory:

    Bacontini makes the national news!! ‘Bacon-flavored Vodka’

    http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100629/ap_on_bi_ge/us_salmon_vodka

    *excuse me while I go retch*

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 June 29
      Bacontini permalink

      Bacontini wait for dis day to happen! He so happy! Bacontini like to thank all de ladies who make dis moment possible!

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 June 29
        Meredith permalink

        Oh no, Bacontini, thank YOU!

        Adores: 2
    • 2010 June 29
      Bridgete permalink

      I’ve known about bacon-flavored vodka since it came out about a year ago…I always thought Bacontini was a reference to that vodka.

      Also: Once the fish is smoked, the skin is removed and employees masticate the fillets. Did anyone notice this means that the employees are chewing the salmon? *barf*

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 June 29
        CapnMac permalink

        Hoping that means mechanical mastication (like with a waffle-faced meat hammer) or, even better, a misspelling of “macerate” (which would be apt to the process).

        But, in 80-proof, your average “spit” is of middling neutral effect.

        Except to the wording of the HR description. Employees may not ingest anything during the shift which will impute or imbibe flavor on the product. This restriction to apply to lunch and break times. Employees must be able to masticate for an entire shift. Employees cannot have allergies or reactions to seafood, fish, or the like in general or specific. Employees must hold Employer harmless with respect to any loss of desire to ever consume fish again, or any changes to quality of life for never wanting to be near littorals, pelagic environments or entertainments containing the word “ocean.”

        Adores: 5
      • 2010 June 29
        TacoMagic permalink

        [Bacontini corey]
        Bacontini is sort of a reference to Bacon Vodka. We actually discovered bacon flavored vodka slightly after we came up with the Bacontini (Martini with bacon in it).

        It started as the Bacon Martini. You’ll see several days later we found the Bacon Vodka after Lorena shortened the name to Bacontini.
        [/corey]

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29

          We oughtta collect the stories of such characters as Corey and Bacontini and make a movie. YSaC Origins: Bacontini and YSaC Origins: Corey

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 June 29
          Bridgete permalink

          Oh, okay. Thanks Taco!

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          Bridgete permalink

          Although… this is the bacon vodka I was thinking of.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        Grampdaddy permalink

        Bridgete, I had the same reaction when I read that. Turns out that there is an alternative meaning for “masticate” that is “to shred and mash”. In some ways, it isn’t really any better though.

        However, it IS better than what I thought it said when I first read it – the image of workers practicing onanism on salmon for vodka almost sent me to the kitchen for Citron vodka from the freezer and boiling bleach from the stove.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 June 29
          Bridgete permalink

          Hmm. Well, okay, the alternate meaning of masticate is a BIT better. I still need the brain bleach to get the image out of my head though…

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29
      sarajean80 permalink

      So there’s fruit-flavored vodkas, vegetable-flavored vodkas, herb-flavored vodkas…

      Next up – mineral-flavored vodkas. I would endorse a tungsten-flavored vodka, if for nothing else than to make a cocktail called “The Lightbulb”.

      Adores: 15
  4. 2010 June 29
    Windrose permalink

    The shark gets all the best lines. 8/

    Adores: 15
    • 2010 June 29
      LimeLolly permalink

      Well, the seagull just steals the show!

      And whatever other shiny bits he can find.

      Adores: 11
    • 2010 June 29

      Ttianic 2: We’re Going to Need a Bigger Boat.

      Adores: 17
      • 2010 June 29
        CapnMac permalink

        Titanic III: RMS Olympic.

        Actually a boring movie, 24 years’ service (good enough to be called “old reliable”).
        RMS Olympic did run over a German U-Boot in 1918.
        Later, her skipper managed to sink the anchored Nantucket Lightship by ramming into her.

        Titanic II: RMS Britannic might be slightly more Cameron-esque, she’s fitted out as a hospital ship (changing her prefix to HMHS) for WWI, and sinks after striking a mine off the Greek coast, and sank is a very similar fashion, slowly going down by the bow, before tipping over and going in. Only 30 were lost, though.

        Adores: 2
    • 2010 June 29

      “Fish are friends, not food!”

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 June 29
        sarajean80 permalink

        But, according to the article provided by Grampdaddy, they can be booze.

        Adores: 4
  5. 2010 June 29

    I just KNEW I should have kept my sparkly tail fin costume. Man, that was one crazy Halloween.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 June 29
      Grampdaddy permalink

      Sparkly? That’s like shiny, isn’t it? Shiny, spark… what were we talking about?

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 June 29
        Laurelhach permalink

        Squirrels. I’m pretty sure the topic was squirrels.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          It’s illegal to put squirrels in pants for the purposes of gambling. Recreational use is permitted.

          Adores: 11
        • 2010 June 29

          How about for commercial use?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          Meredith permalink

          Astro, you have to get a permit.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 June 29
          Laurelhach permalink

          And what if your parents find out?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 June 29
          CapnMac permalink

          And you cannot be a minor.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 June 29

          That’s right. Minors are supposed to keep canaries, not squirrels, in their pants.

          Either that, or minor birds.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          You could take a page from all those idiots who grow pot in their closets and keep the squirrels in your closet. Hope you don’t have any clothes you are fond of.

          (“Closet Squirrel Farmer” sounds like either an insult or a euphemism, I haven’t decided which. Any thoughts?)

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 June 29
          Windrose permalink

          “He was a real Closet Squirrel Farmer.”

          “I love it when you pull out the Closet Squirrel Farmer.”

          Don’t know, both work very well. 8)

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 June 29
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      Wait, sparkly? Do I smell a Titanic II/Twilight crossover?

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 June 29
        ZandarValkinoor permalink

        **Eye twitches** Oh dear, I’m having Twilight flashbacks……..IT BURRRNNNSS USSS!*

        *Anyone else reminded of KAAWWASAAAKA?

        Adores: 0
  6. 2010 June 29

    My boss’s daughter auditioned for the 4th PotC movie as a mermaid. Synchro swimmer.

    This one sounds like the newest SyFy monster flick. Maybe a better plot… :0/

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 June 29
      LurkRealClose permalink

      Yes, this definitely has more plot than a SyFy channel “original”

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 June 29
        TacoMagic permalink

        In that this movie is based on a movie with a plot.*

        *So I’m told.

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 June 29
          arallyn permalink

          HEY! Flu Bird Horror and Anonymous Rex TOTALLY had plots!

          Delinquent teens being hunted by giant mutant infected birds and dinosaurs dressing in latex (and later using holograms) to hide among humans are amazing plots!

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          Don’t forget Cube and HyperCube!

          “OMFG We’re in booby-trapped rooms!” *Death*

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          Meredith permalink

          I’m partial to Rock Monster. Straight and to the point there.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          [lit. corey]Eric Garcia’s books, the basis for Anonymous Rex, are about a hundred times better than that particular piece of … film. Kind of like Jurassic Park as written by Dashiell Hammett. I highly recommend them.[/lit.corey]

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 June 29
          arallyn permalink

          Yeahhhh, I don’t think I’ll read them. The movie was just so…so…BAD. I mean, Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove is a fun and good book, but if a movie of it was made, it would be SyFy quality and ruin the book for everyone.

          I am so, so disappointed that the producers of Being Human allowed SyFy to re-make their series and Americanize it. That was such a good (and funny) show, but the mofos on BBC America are being lazy about picking up the second season. I hope that people see the BBC version before they ever even see a commercial for the SyFy version. But BBC America is on extended cable and SyFy is basic cable, so people will never appreciate the greatness of the real show.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          Bridgete permalink

          [more lit. corey] Dashiell Hammett, SJ? Jurassic Park is by Michael Chrichton. And according to the Googles, there’s not another book with the same title by Dashiell Hammett. [/more lit. corey]

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          Bridgete permalink

          Oh, and arallyn…what’s this about BBC America being lazy w/ Being Human? I watched the first season when it was on before, I’ve been anxious for the next one!

          As for SyFy creating some American version…yeah, I’m not watching that. After seeing what happened to Coupling, What Not to Wear,* and Changing Rooms (which became While You Were Out) I have decided that The Office is a rare phenomenon when it comes to US versions of British shows.

          *Say what you want about the TLC What Not to Wear, but those people are NOT Trinny and Susannah and never will be.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          CapnMac permalink

          Hey, “Cube” has a bit of that, there-isn’t-anything-else-to-watch “cult” sort of vibe, at least on a non-commercial channel.

          “Hypercube” was just an excuse to employ Canadian actors and keep a Vancouver studio busy.

          But, Canadian employment is much of what the SyFy content is all about.

          Oh, and what NBC did to “Coupling” right down to lifting the dialog straight, no cultural or background changes, was flat-out criminal.

          Office was successful because somebody actually did some homework. Otherwise Dwight Schrute would have been Territorial Army veteran, which would not translate well into Pennsylvania.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          Bridgete – I know, I was just describing the style of writing, not referencing an actual book. That way sounded better than “detective novel but with dinosaurs” in my head.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          Bridgete permalink

          Oh. Yeah, I didn’t pick up on that. I get it now…

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29
      arallyn permalink

      It sounds like a combination of The Little Mermaid + Shark Swarm + Sea Beast. The last two are SyFy originals that are fantastical to watch while drunk. Watch them sober and you’ll wonder what the writers were smoking/not smoking/why they hate life so much that they’d write it.

      Adores: 1
  7. 2010 June 29
    Litarider permalink

    Are mermaids required to have screen actors guild cards? Is this movie a vehicle to revive Daryl Hannah’s career?

    Adores: 5
    • 2010 June 29
      sarajean80 permalink

      They have to be members of SAG – The Swimming Actors Guild.

      Adores: 11
      • 2010 June 29
        Grampdaddy permalink

        I don’t think mermaids should ever sag – something about buoyancy and all. Now mermen might have a problem with “shrinkage”, especially if the water is cold.

        Adores: 4
    • 2010 June 29
      Meredith permalink

      They have to be a member of the Screen Actors Gill, I think.

      Adores: 11
      • 2010 June 29
        TacoMagic permalink

        Don’t forget the Screen Aquarium Guild.

        Adores: 6
    • 2010 June 29
      EclecticBlue permalink

      Darn, I was hoping it was a vehicle to destroy Hannah Montana’s career.

      …No offense to TM, of course!

      Adores: 2
  8. 2010 June 29
    Camille permalink

    [intellectual property law Corey] Dear Sparky: You don’t have the right to make a sequel to someone else’s movie using someone else’s character, unless that movie and character are in the public domain (which they’re not) or you’ve paid big bucks (which I’m guessing you haven’t). [/intellectual property law Corey]

    Though I do like that the production company is named after a big monolith.

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 June 29
      Lola permalink

      “Titanic II: Cease and Desist”

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 June 29
        TacoMagic permalink

        “Titanic II: Iceburg of Justice”

        When you’re on the Titanic, don’t drop the soap.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          Now all I can think of is a big bald guy named Bubba telling Jack Dawson, “Mmm, Boy, you smell purdy. I’m gonna breach your hull with my iceburg.”

          I’ll be showing in boiling bleach if you need me. I’ll also not be dropping the soap.

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 June 29

          I used to live in Iceburg, but it was too damn cold.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          Yay, JG gets the First Taco Correction award for the day!

          *Hand JG a gift certificate to Mine Hors Bistro and a copy of “Correct Taco” the board game.*

          On Saturday if any of our weekly winners are the first to correct Taco they’ll get a paid vacation to TacoLand!

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          LimeLolly permalink

          Now Taco is showing.

          I’m gonna have to start wearing protective eyewear.*

          *so no one can see where I’m looking.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          You may not want to phrase it “Now Taco is showing.”

          There is a euphamism ambush waiting therein.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 June 29
          LimeLolly permalink

          I can’t help it if you get ambushed, TM. You’re the one showing.

          I’ll be over at the head of the line collecting the admission fee. $10 a person, right?

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 June 29

          Wait, Taco’s showing? Does that mean we’re going to have lots of little mini-Tacos in a few months?

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 June 29
          Meredith permalink

          And it’s third installment, just for the kiddies,

          Titanic 3: Ice Ice Babies!

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 June 29

          TM: Are you attired in one of GD’s “Taco t-shits” during the showing? If so, that may make it a bit more bare-able. Then again, maybe not.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          Grampdaddy permalink

          A couple of comments (or corrections): 1) Limelolly is correct about Taco ‘showing’ -it is what you said, TM, in reference to the boiling bleach. 2) Archie, I would like to take credit for the Taco ‘T-shits’, but that also is a Taco original from the other day. I was merely recycling the phrase.

          TM – are you doing a cooking show where you are “rolling the tamale”?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          Actually, yes. But I was promised that it’ll be tasteful.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          Grampdaddy permalink

          Wow, that’s saying a mouthful.

          What?!

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29

          A euphamism, as everyone knows, is when someone speaks well of the cartoonist John Pham.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 June 29

          I shoulda known, GD. TM is a master at dual-meaning misspeelings.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          Your right Archie! I should have my own shit!

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          I’d think you’d be full by now.

          What?

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 June 29

      Camille, are you telling me I have to stop production on my sequel to From Hell? But what am I going to do with all of this Jacqueline the Ripper merchandise?

      Adores: 7
  9. 2010 June 29
    LimeLolly permalink

    Wasn’t there already Titanic II made? Except it was called something like: Jaws Revenge or Dude, Where’s My Boat?

    Adores: 14
    • 2010 June 29
      Kae permalink

      Oooh, me play!

      King Lear II: Ye Olde Familye Therapye In which it turns out that Cordelia has only fainted, Lear’s had a stroke, Edgar thinks he deserves the throne AND Cordelia, and the Prince of France is none too pleased about it. They’ve had enough war, so it’s off to familye therapye under the auspices of the wisely rollicking Ellen De Generes. With cameos by Ryan Stiles, Sir Ian McKellen and introducing Gonzo the Wonder-Duckling.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 June 30
        Innana permalink

        Ha! I think Nahum Tate beat you to it by about 300 years.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 30
          Kae permalink

          But he didn’t have Ellen Degeneres, or Gonzo the Wonder-Duckling.

          (And I haven’t encountered Mr. Tate…my theatre program seems to be more about Rent and simulating oral sex on stage than teaching us about Shakespeare. Yes, I shall be VERY marketable when I finish my grad school. But I do wonder how he got around that whole “Cordelia’s already married to the prince of France” bit. Unless he just dropped a gargoyle on the only gutsy man in the whole darn play.)

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 July 1
          Innana permalink

          Cordelia didn’t marry the King of France; she ran away in disguise like Edgar. Then rescues Lear, then marries Edgar, who is king after Lear’s abdication.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 30
        sarajean80 permalink

        Does Gonzo the Wonder-Duckling get his own spin-off sitcom?

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 30
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Yes, he and Howard the Duck and Daffy Duck join forces to defeat the Mighty Ducks, who have all become zombies.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 30
          Kae permalink

          I think that would be fair. As long as he’s voiced with a horrible Jamaican accent.

          Adores: 0
  10. 2010 June 29
    sarajean80 permalink

    Another “gem” by Megamonolith Pictures;

    The English Patient 2 : The Count’s Revenge

    Recovering from a fatal overdose of morphine, the “English patient” joins forces with a group of futuristic time-travelling genies to fight a also-still-alive Geoffrey, who is attempting to steal the Pyramids. Told completely in flashbacks and iambic pentameter.

    Adores: 16
    • 2010 June 29
      TacoMagic permalink

      Casablanca 2: Ninja Nazi Airplane Ambush

      On the flight, Laszlo realizes that the other passengers are actually Ninjas sent by the Nazis to capture her. With the help of a pan-dimensional unicorn found in the cargo hold, Laszlo has to take control of the plane before the Ninja Nazi’s can transport it to the Hitler Dimension. Unbeknownst to the protagonists, Cyber-Nazi Renault is directing the Ninja Nazi’s with his telepathy waves!

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 June 29
        sarajean80 permalink

        Snakes on a Plane 2 : Love in the Air

        A retired FBI agent and a spunky stewardess attempt to set up the world’s first airline/reptile breeding farm. A goofy former child star is hired as co-pilot and many wacky hijinks ensue. Rated G.

        Adores: 9
    • 2010 June 29
      Meredith permalink

      English Patient 2: Is this part of the Crow franchise?

      And now all I can think about is Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season. (It’s in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back)

      Adores: 7
    • 2010 June 29

      I Am Legend II: OMGMOREZOMB-
      Will Smith blew himself up in vain when the zomb-
      -learn how to make fire of their own and attack the human settlement!

      Yellow Submarine II: Night of the Living Beatles
      When Ringo and Paul are sucked back into Pepperland by a magic fairy named Lady Madonna, they find themselves confronted by Blue Meanies who, using the ancient sacrificial rites of Mean Mr. Mustard, resurrect John and George. AS THEIR ZOMBIE MINIONS!

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 June 29
        LurkRealClose permalink

        Yellow Submarine II: Night of the Living Beatles

        Um…..I’d totally watch that.

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 June 29

          That’s the Genius of it. Also, it’s actually based on something. In an exercise to see why all the plots for movies of the type sound so bad, and, often are, I attempted to take the Beatles mash-up album Love and turn it into a plot outline. After a couple days, I managed to get something vaguely coherent that showed me why it’s bad for plot to plan out music first.

          Adores: 4
      • 2010 June 29
        CapnMac permalink

        I’m now afflicted, after the lady “Madonna” image, of day-mares of blue-sequined, B&D-themed support garments and shrill Detroit accents . . .

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 June 29
        Windrose permalink

        I’d totally watch that and buy the sound track!

        Adores: 2
      • 2010 June 30
        ZandarValkinoor permalink

        Seth MacFarlanes Casting plot for American Dad, Family Guy, and The Cleveland Show: An idiotic yet lovable husband with a hot wife, a daughter who hates him, an equilly idiotic and lovable son, a comically sized Sadist, and a Non-Human best friend=pure gold

        Adores: 2
    • 2010 June 29

      Hamlet 2 II: Steve Coogan Deserves to Find an American Audience.

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 June 29
        sarajean80 permalink

        Does “The Audience That Enjoys Minature Roman Centurions” count?

        Adores: 1
    • 2010 June 29
      Supreme Ruler permalink

      Ha! I love: “Recovering from a fatal overdose of morphine”

      Adores: 1
  11. 2010 June 29
    Grampdaddy permalink

    Is it just me (probably a dumb question), or does the title by drmk take anyone else back to the Greek posting the other day?

    *Goes to drown, with Mermaid Saviors, in brain bleach.*

    Adores: 2
  12. 2010 June 29
    TacoMagic permalink

    As somebody who has also not seen more than random clips of Titanic (having never been an adolescent girl), you’ll have to excuse any inaccuracy of what follows:

    Scene opens on a Bollywood style rendition of “Under the Sea”. Jack is pleading with mantROCK! for the freedom of his people.

    Jack: Let my people go!
    King mantROCK!: Not until you open the 7 doors of Punk! Rock on!
    Jack: But, King! No one has ever survived the doors.
    King mantROCK!: Not my problem, now go to worship with the peasants; I’ve got some power cords that need my attention!

    King finishes the rendition of “Under the Sea” with a 7 minute guitar solo.

    Scene change to Jack sitting on the steps of the King’s amphitheater, depressed. Female Mantock (leaMETAL daughter of mantROCK!) swims on scene to talk to Jack.

    leaMETAL: What’s wrong, Jack.
    Jack: I’ll never free my people. How can I compete with the power of your father’s rocking? He has my people bewitched with the awesomeitude of his chords.
    leaMETAL: You just have to find your sound, Jack. I believe in you!
    Jack: You’re right! And the answers I need are behind the doors of Punk!

    They make out and scene fades to black. Scene changes to Jack standing in front of the masses of brainwashed people from the Titanic.

    Jack: My people! No longer shall we need to be the slaves of the Mantock! I shall go and open the 7 doors of Punk and be granted the power of ROCK! Then we can throw off these shackles and return to the surface! Long live the undead survivors of the Titanic!
    Random man in the audience: Undead? But we’re not zomb

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 June 29
      LurkRealClose permalink

      Now it’s less Pirates of the Caribbean meets Titanic and more School of Rock meets Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

      Adores: 7
      • 2010 June 29
        sarajean80 permalink

        With a touch of Spartacus thrown in for flavoring.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          Just in case you were all worried that I forgot the Raggaro in my screenplay, they do make an appearance. The Raggaro Philharmonic Pirate Orchestra is guarding the 7th door of punk. Jack has to sight read the first clarinet part in order to open the door.

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 June 29
          LimeLolly permalink

          It’s not a pirate movie without the ‘Pirates of Penzance’ and Ray Stevens.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 June 29
          LurkRealClose permalink

          You are the very model of a modern major LimeLolly.

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 June 29
          Laurelhach permalink

          Ooh, sight read first clarinet, that’s tricky. I bet all that icy salt water makes the high F go waaay sharp.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          That’s why nobody has survived the trials before.

          At least they didn’t make him do the oboe (of doom).

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          And by “do” I meant “play”. Not the “this one time at band camp” type of “do”.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 June 29
          Laurelhach permalink

          …or the OBO.

          And thank you for the clarification. I was starting to become concerned over the nature of this so-called 7th door of Punk.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          Cold water does tend to shrink things, so it’s not impossible

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29
      Meredith permalink

      As long as it’s in 3D, I’m in!

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 June 29

        I thought you were in DD, not 3D, Meredith!

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          Isaac is turning into Grampdaddy!

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 June 29

          What? I thought DD stood for Dunkin’ Donuts. It doesn’t?

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 June 29
          Laurelhach permalink

          It can be interpreted differently by different…personalities.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          LurkRealClose permalink

          How many personalities do you have?

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          Laurelhach permalink

          That depends, what are you looking for?

          Jk, I don’t date robot moose, only mutant aliens.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 June 29
          Grampdaddy permalink

          The more the merrier – and that applies to both TM and Isaac’s comment.

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29

      Oh, please. I didn’t watch chick flicks even when I *was* an adolescent girl.

      I did happen to see the scene in Titanic where DiCrapio dies, though. I walked through the room as someone else was watching it, and stopped to savor it. …yeah, I think he’s a menace to good movie-making. My husband managed to get me to watch The Quick and the Dead by pointing out that he dies in it, too.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        sarajean80 permalink

        And it’s much more “dramatic”, what with the gunfire and bleeding. Best part of an otherwise horrid movie I could have written in my sleep.

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29

        I thought he didn’t ruin What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.

        (He left that job for Juliette Lewis har har.)

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 June 29
        Moira permalink

        Never saw Titanic myself, either. Do NOT plan to… ever.

        That said, I can almost see how this sequel could be managed with a bit of hand waving. Your futuristic mermaids could be recently crashed aliens who are planning to use the humans in a bid to rebuild their ship or to take over the land dwellers. Alternatively, the water was SO cold that all the people who drowned were cryogenically preserved and some long time after humans genetically manipulate themselves and return to the sea (because we destroyed the land, dontcha know), the Titanic passengers are discovered and revived. They will be used to repopulate the land once it is deemed safe.

        However, I just can’t get away from the image of the construction worker merman cake I saw a while back… or the tattoo of two mermen. No brin bleach needed… I find such things amusing.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          Wow, your version actually makes more sense than the poster’s. Good job, Moira!

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          Moira permalink

          *brain, not brin, dammit.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          Moira permalink

          Thanks, SJ.
          Translating insanity into a coherent, if unusual, sequence of rationalizations is a hobby of mine.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          You’ll fit in fine, then!

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29

          I think if BP has taught us anything, Moira, it’s that humanity will ruin the seas at least as quickly as it ruins the land. So that’s a problem with your cryo-Leo scheme.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          Moira permalink

          Good point, Isaac.
          I then propose that BP do handwaving and distracting the public with something shiny and then *finance* this film in a bid to continue pretending everything is all right in the oceans.

          Or we just stick with the shipwrecked aquatic aliens in 1912 explanation.

          Adores: 0
  13. 2010 June 29
    Lola permalink

    As much as this plot summary sucks, I’m sure that if Hollywood got ahold of it, it would come out even worse.

    My suggestion for pretentious, suck-ass band name of the day: Mermaid Pirates.

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 June 29
      arallyn permalink

      Mermaid Pirates sounds more like a bad porn movie…

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 June 29
        sarajean80 permalink

        It’s worse if you add “suck-ass” in front of it.

        Brain bleach for everyone!

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 June 29
          arallyn permalink

          Suck-ass Mermaid Pirates: “It’s better down where it’s wetter”

          Definitely a really bad hardcore porn.

          Adores: 8
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          Things read cannot be unread.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 June 29
          LimeLolly permalink

          OMG… my eyes!!!

          Adores: 5
      • 2010 June 29

        “Mermaid pirate porn movie” sounds a little like the current storyline at c.urvy.org, another site that Astro’s parents probably won’t let him visit.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          And here I thought I was the only one who read that one. Isaac, you are no longer as pristine to my eyes.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 June 29

          I only read it for the articles.

          This month I think there’s an interview with Norman Mailer.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 June 29
          CapnMac permalink

          Wouldn’t that be a “seance” with Norm?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29

          Maybe it’s a re-run.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        Bridgete permalink

        There is a pirate porn movie, but it doesn’t have mermaids: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pirates_(2005_film).

        I haven’t seen it (honest!) but my friends tell me it’s hilarious.

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29

      **scrolls down. Reads a few comments. Make a couple of his own. Gets down to arallyn’s comments.**

      GAAAAAAAAAAAHMYEYES!!!!!!!!! BRAIN BLEACH! GET ME TO THE BRAIN BLEACH EYEWASH STATION!

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 June 29
        TacoMagic permalink

        Hey! That’s the verse for the 6th day of coffee!

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        arallyn permalink

        I’m hopped up on cold meds. I will not permit you to not see the crazy of when I’m braining. My mouthhole can’t scream insanity at you people so I will be type-y and showing brain evil.

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          You might want to check the expiration date on those meds, dear.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 June 29
          Grampdaddy permalink

          SO glad you’re back arallyn – have missed you and your comments. Makes me feel not so lonely down here in the gutter.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        sarajean80 permalink

        Great, another “Corruption of a Minor” charge.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          arallyn permalink

          That’s right sarajean…blame Grampdaddy…blame him *hypnotizes board into believing that I am a corruptible minor that is being turned to a force of evil by those here*

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 June 30
      Maureen permalink

      I’m going with Closet Squirrel Farmers, myself.

      Adores: 0
  14. 2010 June 29
    sarajean80 permalink

    Dear Sparky,
    I am perfectly suited to be a MERMAID SAVIOR, because I enjoy brainwashing recently revived humans. I do it on the weekends now for fun, in a few years I hope to build a good sized army and show that chirpy redhead who’s the boss. I can’t stand anymore of those relentlessly cheerful songs. Anywho, I could use a little extra funding; those shark-mounted laser cannons don’t run on kelp, you know! I own my own costume, it says “Queen of the Seas” across the back, but I’m sure that can be airbrushed out. Enclosed is the required headshots and a copy of my demands for world domination. Please note that if I am selected, your name will go on the protected lists and you will not be harmed in the great uprising to follow.
    Thank you,
    SaraJean ♥

    Adores: 13
    • 2010 June 29
      TacoMagic permalink

      Is it weird that I always read the little heart symbol as:

      Mwah♥

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 June 29
        sarajean80 permalink

        Considered everything else about you that is
        No, not at all.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          Touché SJ, touché.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29

          As if you weren’t already touched (in the head).

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29
      Laurelhach permalink

      Seeing as the name ‘Mermaid Pirates: etc.’ has been…reassigned, I think that the original Mermaid Saviors would make a fine band. Well, they aren’t actually all that great, but I’ve heard they’ve made a splash at the local cereal bar.

      Adores: 1
  15. 2010 June 29
    Tale permalink

    Add me to the Never Seen Titanic Club. Not because I’m vehemently opposed to seeing it, it just doesn’t hold any appeal for me.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 June 29
      Lola permalink

      There are a few of us on here – among them, myself …

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        TacoMagic permalink

        This whole “Never seen Titanic” thing feels oddly familiar

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        Laurelhach permalink

        *raises hand*

        Can I join? When do I have to pay my dues? Do I get a t-shirt?

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          Windrose permalink

          I’ve never seen Titanic, and so hasn’t my spouse!

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 June 29

      No T-Shirts, just T-Shits.

      Also, I’ve never seen it either.

      Well, that’s not totally true. I think I kindasorta tried to watch it very young, and have no recollection of any of it except that the old lady is the same person as the girl, because I had to have that explained to me at the tender age of 4. Also, I did a bit of research into whether the movie would be historically accurate back when I was into the Titanic (as in the boat. Checked out several books on Ballard, books on the Titanic, etc. It all started when I read that one Magic Treehouse book…) a while back.

      So, can I join?

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 June 29
        Laurelhach permalink

        I’ve never seen the movie, but I went to the museum. As far as I’m concerned, it was a boat. It sank. End of story.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 June 29
          LurkRealClose permalink

          OMG!SPOILERS!!!

          Adores: 11
        • 2010 June 29
          Steph permalink

          OMG HOW COULD YOU?! HOW COULD YOU GIVE ME SUCH SPOILERS?! I HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET!!

          *sobs loudly while lying draped dramatically across a velvet chaise*

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 June 29
          Laurelhach permalink

          *sneaks into Steph’s house with videocamera to begin filming Titanic IV: Spoilers on the Sea*

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 June 29
          LimeLolly permalink

          I’ve been on a boat before.

          A really, smallish, minty type boat. It wasn’t in a movie, though.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 June 29
          Meej permalink

          LimeLolly – was it a sandbox?

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 June 29
          CapnMac permalink

          I have commanded boats and conned ships, not one of which ever sank, or were in Jim Cameron movies.

          Though, did have one of the boats of my section of three go aground on a sand bar, racing to get back to the base first.

          Trying to remember if any of those rides were minty (in “our” sense of that, as opposed to after-dinner items or cleaning and deodorizing items).

          None were a sand box, either–although I’ve landed boats on the beach and recovered from same (and, unlike some, took back as many as I left with).

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 June 29
        Artsy Computer Geek permalink

        Astro — was that about two years ago?

        (Sorry Astro, I’m in major grumpy mood today). I have seen the great ice berg meet ship movie. Three hours and I know how it ends holds no appeal.

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29

      I’ve never seen Titanic.

      I didn’t even go to the Titanic docks when I was in Belfast.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29

      No wonder I drink.

      I’ve seen Titanic.

      More than once.

      I coulda saved thousands of dollars on therapy bills.

      Pour me another one, will ya?

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 June 29
        sarajean80 permalink

        :hides face:

        We had it on VHS back in the day. To be fair, I would only watch the second tape, fast-forwarded to the actual sinking part.

        Adores: 1
      • 2010 June 29
        Bridgete permalink

        I’m embarrassed to say this…it’s the only movie I’ve ever seen in the theater more than twice. But…I was 14, so I’m hoping I can be forgiven. And, I’ve at least gotten rid of my VHS tapes of it and have not replaced it on DVD, nor do I intend to.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          Technically I’ve seen it more than once in the theaters, but mostly because my friends kept dragging me along to see it. I took a book and a flashlight and sat in the back.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 June 29
          sweetbiscuit permalink

          I’m joining the club too. I half saw it at a friends house about 3 years after it finished in the cinemas, but after 40 minutes I got up to pour another wine and then got dist…oh! Shiny things!!!!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 June 29
          Bridgete permalink

          Ooh, SJ, I’m stealing that idea the next time I get dragged to some movie I don’t want to see. I even have a clip-on book light that will be perfect.

          Adores: 0
  16. 2010 June 29
    tigprincess permalink

    @Arallyn – I’m with you for Being Human – any thought of making it without the original cast and Americanising it makes me want to rip someone’s throat out. *goes to check date in calendar and finds empty cave with iron bars for some R&R*

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 June 29
      arallyn permalink

      Without the beautiful Lenora Cricholow and Aiden Turner (rawrrr) it just wouldn’t be anything worth watching.

      Syfy is like a holding pen for actors that people want to humor but really just want them to go away…they’re so terrible. And usually look like Skankasaurus Rex or Fugly la Fug

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        TacoMagic permalink

        To my knowledge both Joe Estives and Stephen Baldwin have appeared in SyFy movies, which pretty much tells you the quality of their productions.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          I also must say, it’s mind boggling that SyFy (SciFy) can do so horribly with “Original Movies” (Sharks in Venice, Flu Bird Horror, etc) but do so well with mini-series (Dune, Tin Man, Lost Room, etc). Maybe they steal all their series from Britain?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          I think there should be a petition to get Lost Tapes moved from Animal Planet to SyFy. They could make a half-way decent show out of it and there would be fewer gullible folk thinking it’s real footage.

          Adores: 0
  17. 2010 June 29

    This post, being about movies, is an excellent time for me to rant about what M Knight Shyamabalanana (or whatever his name is) appears to be doing with The Last Airbender. Avatar: The Last Airbender was one of the few decent shows Nickelodeon has come out with in the last couple of years. It was one of my favorites, too. An Mr. Shya-something or other is doing it wrong, as far as actors are concerned. I saw a preview for it last night while watching Malcolm in the Middle on Nick, and it looks like a spoof! None of the actors look or sound like the characters they’re supposed to be portraying! Compare Prince Zuko.
    The Show:
    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_aMwKIsX91zk/SfWL1IkzfvI/AAAAAAAAAC4/rK_Y22R6jgc/s400/1121828163_PrinceZuko.jpg
    The Movie:
    http://www.quangly.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/dev-patel-prince-zuko-airbender.jpg

    So, yeah. I’m not happy with the actors he’s chosen.

    That is all. Oh, yes, also, I won’t be uploading the final draft of my art until later today, because I want to make sure it looks as good as I can get it.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 June 29

      Astro, you ought to look at the things Derek Kirk Kim and Gene Yang have said about the Airbender casting. They’re two very insightful fellows (and top-notch cartoonists) who care about this property a lot.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      Astro – are you trying to compete with Taco and Grampdaddy for the longest link????????

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 June 29
        Bridgete permalink

        Well, you know how guys are, always competing to see who has the most massive link.

        Adores: 4
    • 2010 June 29
      SilvaNoir permalink

      Oh, I’ve known about this for MONTHS. There’s quite the protest over the movie. Making the eskimos white, changing the fire nation from Chinese/Japanense inspired to Indian, changing all the pronounciations of the names, taking all the humour from the show out of the movie, taking all the chinese writing and replacing it with nonsense symbols because Americans just wouldn’t “get” Chinese. The casting call specifically asking for Caucasian actors because they are the “better” actors. Punching a magical fish to death. Etc.

      In short: watch the cartoon, skip the failure of a movie.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 June 29
        CapnMac permalink

        Wow, glad I have been too busy to notice.
        Makes me wonder just what sorts of mortgage payments M. Night is behind in, to be associated with the project (or, if he’s sold his soul,* as so many do, to the h’wood mainstream).

        I remember looking this up to see if there was a Pratchett or Guinann connection, and never going much further than that.

        _____________________
        *This should be read to include the various industry ills such as addiction, multiple addiction, alimony, or such similar serial activity that lay the ‘mighty’ so low so often.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          SilvaNoir permalink

          He took on the project because his daughter really loved the cartoon. So he made a live-action version of it to ruin it for her (he’s the one who went to Hollywood with the idea of making it a movie, not Hollywood going to him). What a nice dad. >_>

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29

          In this case, wouldn’t it be Orlando, not Hollywwod, since it was a Nickelodeon show?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          SilvaNoir permalink

          Hollywood in the metaphorical people-in-charge-of-movie-making sense, not the location. I have no idea what actual office door he knocked on, only that I wish he didn’t :/

          Or that they would learn by now that turning cartoons and videogames in live-action movies generally does not work out well.

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 30
      Ruffin13 permalink

      I thought M Night Shyambalala was a Three Dog Night Greatest Hit.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 30
        CapnMac permalink

        No, but he opened for Otis Day & the Knights out at the Modesto Lake Club . . .

        Adores: 0
  18. 2010 June 29

    What I love about the plot of Sparky’s movie:

    Jack “is elected king of the underwater humans.”

    Elected king.

    Adores: 9
    • 2010 June 29
      LurkRealClose permalink

      You don’t vote for Kings.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29

        Oh, but you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          I mean, if I went around sayin’ I was an emperor just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 June 29
        Laurelhach permalink

        Maybe society is different for underwater humans. Or maybe Jack had already been brainwashed, and only thinks he has been elected king. He is really KING MANTROCK’s illegitimate child with the wife of the king of the RAGGARO, and his very existance is threatening the peaceful but unstable relationship between the two factions. With him brainwashed into believing he is king, he is sent on an important mission to Antarctica, where he is tragically eaten by ravenous orcas, much to the joy dismay of the Mantrocks, who were really quite sick of this tired and ill-designed plot, not to mention the special effects that were, due to budget cuts, done by the producer’s four year old pet mongoose, Charles.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 June 29
          LurkRealClose permalink

          So, Episode 3 will be called March of the Mantrocks?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          Laurelhach permalink

          Yes.
          *Imperial March begins playing*

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          And there will be an evil twin sister retconned in for dramatic effect.

          With amnesia.

          And an eyepatch.

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 June 29
        Steph permalink

        You vote for kings if you play Dragon Age: Origins! The throne of the dwarven empire isn’t hereditary very often, I don’t think. So it went in typical video game fashion: “ZOMG Player Character!! You–yes, YOU!!–are the only one who can pick our next king for us, despite the fact that, y’know, we’re a sovereign kingdom and usually pick for ourselves and junk like that.”

        Gah. Stupid dwarves.

        …Gimli is not included among the stupid ones. Gimli’s cool.

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        Meredith permalink

        Don’t tell that to George Lucas (ie: QUEEN Amadala).

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29

          This is like item #1,207 on my list of “things to tell George Lucas if I ever get to launch the tirade I have been planning.”

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 June 29
        Grampdaddy permalink

        LRC – make sure you put ‘corey’ before your statements such as “You don’t vote for Kings.” – that way people won’t be confused….

        Just tryin’ to be helpful :)

        Eh, never mind….

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Ha! Or ‘Monty’ perhaps, in this case. ;)

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 30
        ZandarValkinoor permalink

        To show how Lurk’s statement should be:

        [The MP version of Corey] You don’t vote for kings. [/corey]

        I think I may have got that wrong, I still am not sure

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 30
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Thank you, Zandar. I think you’ve got it.

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29
      Lola permalink

      Underwater humans are apparently more democratic and simultaneously more royalist than we dry-land types.

      Adores: 1
    • 2010 June 29
      sarajean80 permalink

      :cough:

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 June 29
        Meredith permalink

        Whoah, slickest Corey ever, SJ. No notice or nothing, just slid it right in under the radar. Nice one.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          I don’t want Isaac to unleash his pedantic fury upon me.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          Thats what I’m here four.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29

          Ugh. Sarajean, that plus the discussion yesterday about pedanticles… ugh.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          Gah. Not where I was heading, but thanks for the image.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          Grampdaddy permalink

          I had a pedantic fury once – I called it “Christine”.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          That was your Pedantic Furry, Gramps.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 June 29
          Laurelhach permalink

          It’s okay Gramps, you just sit back down in your chair, that’s a good boy, here’s your blanket, see, isn’t that nice? Oh, and here comes the nice lady with the white coat, see, isn’t she nice? Here, drink this juice and take these, they’ll make you okay again, see? That’s a good boy, you just stay right there, gooooooood boy.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          DOn’t forget to give him his bottle. I think it’s in the frezzer.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          LurkRealClose permalink

          The frezzer is the best place to keep your Bacon Vodka.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          Right between the Scrambled Eggs bourbon and the Rye toast.

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 June 29

        Like Vampire Weekend or a lopsided hatrack, I stand corrected.

        Still, if an elected king isn’t unheard of, it’s still pretty weird. Why would a bunch of shipwreck survivors elect a king?

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          CapnMac permalink

          [sociology corey] Well, some portion of the passengers would have been raised in the stratified limited-vertical-mobility class structure of 1912 Europe. Especially of the UK, where the “king” would need nominating from the nomenclatura of the 1st Class passengers.
          Also, if no one in that cohort had “royal” blood, there would must needs be some form of election of the most nobly-blooded of the aristos gurgling about, just to nominate a King.
          What the 2nd Class passengers would have done is subject to question. Probably nominate a spokesman to tug a forelock and supplicated for an audience from one of the lesser 1st class passengers. Especially after the blaggards in Steerage took all the toys (and the better booze) from them.

          Just the sort of thing that really offends my truly-republican sensibilities, and foments a great desire to have the brahmins and “betters” in my own society laid low–a trifle more difficult in what we are forced to call modern society, what with going sans cullottes getting a person arrested and all . . .
          [/corey]

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          Ummm…

          What he said?

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          LurkRealClose permalink

          *hands the Capn several doors*

          Adores: 0
  19. 2010 June 29
    TacoMagic permalink

    I suddenly realized what’s going on. This is not actually a call for a real movie. They are looking for females with questionable judgment (hence the horrible movie concept based on a typically female appreciated movie). Any males who reply to the add are ignored, females have their pictures screened for certain “assets”.

    Then the casting call goes like this:

    “We looked over your submission and are impressed. Can you make a 11:30 audition tomorrow? Great! Just so you know, the part you’ll be auditioning for requires some nudity, are you ok with that? Great!

    We’ll send you the script part you’ll be reading from in the audition. We’ll also need you to to do part of the audition nude in order to see if you can act while in a state of undress. It’s uncomfortable we know, but it’s the only way to see if you can actually handle the requirements of the role. Will that be ok? Great! Also, we’ll be recording your audition so we can review it during the final phase of casting; we’ll send over the release form. Thanks for taking the time to audition with us, see you soon!”

    The sad, sad thing is: I know some people who would fall for it.

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 June 29
      Innana permalink

      Oh, my, this brings back a memory. Several years ago I saw a City Paper ad looking for volunteers for a ghosthunting weekend. Female only. I didn’t get it. I responded and got an email with information on where and what the weekend agenda was; then I was asked to send a photo of myself. The penny still didn’t drop, so I did. I got an email telling me I was accepted, and I could bring a girlfriend if I wanted, and that this guy and his friend and about eight women would be meeting up for the ghosthung. THEN the penny dropped. I told him I couldn’t make it.

      I googled him and found a photo of him in a graveyard, plus a whole lot of rants online about how psychiatrists were controlled by the government to brainwash all of us and that we should get together and perform controlled experiments on doctors.

      Well. I missed the chance for a really exciting weekend, but I don’t really regret it. But I’m embarrassed how gullible I was.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 June 29
        TacoMagic permalink

        So, how well was the ghosthung?

        I’ll get back in my kennel now.

        Adores: 3
        • 2010 June 29
          Innana permalink

          Thanks for not disappointing me, Taco! When I noticed that mistake, I knew I’d get a comment from you….

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          Grampdaddy permalink

          I am not saying a thing – I’ll let Taco take all the “credit” (?) for that one.

          I didn’t even think it. I’m gonna go over here and smirk for a while.

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 30
      Ruffin13 permalink

      I mistakenly read this line as: All who have drowned are brought back to life by a futuristic race of mermaids, called the Mantocks, who welcome the humans to their underwear paradise.

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 June 30
        LurkRealClose permalink

        I actually found underwear paradise the other day. There was a big sale at Khol’s. Too much information?

        Adores: 0
  20. 2010 June 29

    You Suck at Craigslist Family Portrait, June 2010

    From left to right (sort of):

    Bacontini, Sarajean80, Kelli, PenguinConfetti, TacoMagic, CapnMac, Irregular Fractal, Jen, Grampdaddy, LurkRealClose, Astrognash, Arched Eyebrows, KYouell, LimeLolly, MandaB, Bianchi Sound, Meredith, Mudslicker, Innana (in Knee form), Windrose, HamCan, Lola, Artsy Computer Geek, Laurelhach, SilvaNoir, The All-Encompassing Quilt, Camille, Isaac, Seymour Bonobobritches III, Bridgete, and EclecticBlue.

    That’s thirty of us pictured, plus much more, too many to list who are represented by the Quilt. And yes, the Dead Parrot Sketch did not quite fit the TV. Also, Giraffes are awesome.

    Adores: 6
    • 2010 June 29
      LurkRealClose permalink

      It’s stunning. :)

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29
      Innana permalink

      Oh, my. I realize this is a picture showing my daily companions. I believe it truly exemplifies the phrase “motley crew”.

      This is a wondrous work, Oh As-trug-nash.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29

      Also, for those of you interested in the fact, I’ve also uploaded it to my DeviantArt here:

      http://astrognash.deviantart.com/art/YSaC-Fambly-Portrait-June-2010-169447831

      And, the best part is, the ad showing next to the image right now is for Fingerhut, which, if you remember, is one of the places Sparky claims to have gotten the Not.A.Lion. and Giraffe pictures from in YSaC Vol. III.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29
      Bridgete permalink

      Fabulous. Simply fabulous.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29
      Grampdaddy permalink

      Excellent Astro! You obviously are a young man of many talents and wondrous intellect – and a wicked sense of humor far beyond your chronological age.

      Your next mission, should you accept it, is to produce an acceptable image of Innana’s new “knees”.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29
      EclecticBlue permalink

      Is it just me, or does Taco’s face look awesome?

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        sarajean80 permalink

        He looks very well caffeinated.

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      Thanks Astro — I really needed that today. Great (or is it grape) job!!!!

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 July 11
      Addicted Reader permalink

      That’s awesome! I’m hoping to be caught up and actively participating soon so I can be in the next one.

      Adores: 0
  21. 2010 June 29
    CapnMac permalink

    No, I have not seen the film a local radio news guy loves to refer to as “My Little Dinghy” either. (His preferred enunciation is “Leo Dee-Carp-io” too.)

    But, I know I’m picky. And, I saw “A Night to Remember” too long ago at too formative an age (and still noted that they toned the Class distinctions way down even so).

    Oh well, like trying to talk about RMS Britannic or RMS Olympic . . .

    Grumpy, frustrated Bear will now sulk off, dangerously, in this corner, feelin’ as cuddly as a rabid mutant porcupine.

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29
      Artsy Computer Geek permalink

      Capn — you can’t use the corner today. I was there first and I’m bigger and meaner than you are!!!!!

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        TacoMagic permalink

        Get a (corner) room you two!

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        LimeLolly permalink

        There’s five corners in this octagon shaped room. Ya’ll can have separate corners.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          I had some ice cream instead. That’s the solution to all problems in the universe. Captn can have his corner back. Thanks for letting me use it Captn.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 June 29
        CapnMac permalink

        Grrrrr, Grrrr, Grrrrrr.
        Wish ice cream were enough; sacks of large-denomination bills without obvious owners, more suited.

        Or, perhaps some aristos hauled before their “lessors” for some object lesson in reality as exists in “fly over country.”

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          Windrose permalink

          But Rabid Mutant Porcupines would be a great name for a bluegrass band.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 June 30
          CapnMac permalink

          Seen’em play–they came in second in a band contest (the third band’s van broke down).

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 30
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          If you need any help just grrrrrrrr and I’ll be glad to assist. I think that someone let every one of the demons of stupidity loose yesterday. Today is yet another day.

          Adores: 0
  22. 2010 June 29
    Innana permalink

    Oh, they sank the ship Titanic,
    The home of RAGGARO.
    They thought it was a place
    That dead humans never would go.
    But the Mantocks brought them back;
    And King Jack planned an attack.

    It was sad when that great ship went down.
    It was sad (so sad)
    The film was bad (really bad).
    It was bad when the sequel was made.
    Finny girls were cast,
    Mr. Cameron was aghast!
    It was bad when the sequel was made.

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 June 29
      TacoMagic permalink

      Nude Nice work, Innana! That’s the breast best one so far today!

      *Cues Grampdaddy*

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 June 29
        Innana permalink

        Thanks! Do you want to attempt a second verse?

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          Grampdaddy permalink

          Taco says he has to wait an hour – it was in relation to something else, but he said it took him at least an hour to recover before he was good for a second verse.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          Limelolly permalink

          Second verse, same as the first.

          (just to confuse your earworms :) )

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 30
          sarajean80 permalink

          Gah! Not Henry the Eighth!

          Make. It. STOP.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        Grampdaddy permalink

        Don’t know how to follow that up, Taco – it was a hoot, er something like that.

        Adores: 2
  23. 2010 June 29

    For the Never-saw-Titanic camp, you can watch Red Letter Media’s Avatar review, which sums it up neatly in about 15 minutes. For that matter, if you’ve never seen Avatar, same thing. Perhaps someone with an actual computer could be persuaded to post the youtube link. Here’s a tub of vintage Crisco for the one who does.

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29
      sarajean80 permalink

      Part One

      Part Two

      Where’s my Crisco?

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29

        Thanks for those, SJ. Very edifying & entertaining. I’ve seen Titanic, and I was in my 30′s, and I cried my eyes out. But that was because 1) so many people really died* and 2) I wish I was as brave and adventurous in my life as Kate Winslet’s character. After seeing these I know I won’t be seeing Avatar.

        *Same reason I bawled my eyes out at the end of Braveheart. It’s one thing for Mel’s character to be in excruciating pain AGAIN, but another to realize that they really did disembowel that man. Unbearable to think of the pain.

        We now return you to your regular snark & I’ll go get some Goldfish for the kiddos.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          Moira permalink

          Oh god, I had trouble watching that last scene in Braveheart. The expressions on his face are *agonizing*. I blame my inability to watch realistic violence in movies on my mother who was constantly asking me, “how would you feel if someone did that to you?” Now, I can’t NOT imagine it.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          CapnMac permalink

          It’s ok, for those of us of Scot’s decent the nifty bits, like omitting the bridge in the Battle of Stirling Bridge helped span over some of the bits in that movie.

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29
      sarajean80 permalink

      You can’t see it, but I did post the links. They were so massive, I got a note saying they were waiting moderation.

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 June 29
      sweetbiscuit permalink

      Can I start a “Never Seen Avatar” Club??? Vintage cereals to the first 100 to join.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 June 29

        Sweetbiscuit – I need to sign up for that too. After reading the synopsis of the movie, Avatar, I really felt that I didn’t need to see a movie with a plot theme that’s been around since the 1800′s. (Classic read in seventh grade about a settler’s son kidnapped by Native Americans, raised to be like them, and then had to go back to his father several years later. He couldn’t adjust so ran back to the tribe and when it came down to laying a trap for the settlers, he stalled and thus banished. But I forgot which author wrote it…but I know it’s been around a dang long time!)

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          To be fair, there really hasn’t been an original plot produced since 1947. And before that, 1873.

          And I don’t think Hollywood ever produced an original plot.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29

        My parents said it’s just a sci-fi remake of Dances With Wolves. I’ve never seen Dances With Wolves, so I’m going on their authority.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          Dances with wolves, Pocahontas, Beauty and the Beast, The Matrix, Underworld, Othello, etc etc etc etc.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        Camille permalink

        I’m in.

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        Moira permalink

        I’m in currently but I may have to give up membership when the DVD comes out. I’m curious about the effects. And I think I will find it a less disturbing reimagining than Disney’s Pocahontas.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29

          The effects are top notch, such that next time we go down to Wilmignton, we’re renting the DVD again, because my Aunt has a MASSIVE HD TV.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          sarajean80 permalink

          I got it the other day from NetFlix, or I’d be in the club, too. :(

          After about five minutes of going “I know it’s fake, but DAMN!” I got bored with it. Very predictable story, not terribly well-written but not Mansquito-bad either. If it wasn’t for the effects it would be utterly forgetable. I watched it on my parents’ big screen with the surround sound on and it was definitely the way to go.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          LurkRealClose permalink

          The DVD’s out. The special effects are AWESOME! The plot is, well, there was one. Sort of. Disney’s Pocahontas was very disturbing and turned me off to Disney all together.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          TacoMagic permalink

          I agree with the consensus. It’s like a supermodel; beautiful but rather boring if you’re expecting something deep.

          For what it was, it was ok. I have similar sentiments about the first Matrix movie.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          Bridgete permalink

          I haven’t seen Avatar yet. I am curious about the effects though. So, I guess I can join the club for now, but I might have to quit if I decide to let my curiosity get the better of me.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29

        I’m in.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          sweetbiscuit permalink

          yay, I started a Club *does little happy dance*.
          BTW – see my new Avatar??????
          It is my son and me helping feed a not.a.tiger at a zoo here in Chile, where we also got to feed and pat the seven month old lion cubs – incredible! It’s a weird country here – you have so many frustrating days, and then out of the blue, something like that happens.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          SilvaNoir permalink

          Never saw Avatar either. I’ve read and seen enough of the very same plot in various forms of fiction over the years… greedy humans want to destroy fantasy race, one of the humans sides with the fantasy race, can’t we all just get along and live in harmony with the world, blah blah blah. From what I’ve seen of ads of it, the visuals are impressive but that’s it.

          I like (in a sarcastic way) how it’s meant to have a big environmental message, but there’s no way all those plastic 3-D glasses made for it are good for the environment.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          Grampdaddy permalink

          Me too – no Avatar, no Titanic, no Pocahontas, probably no movies in 10+ years. Disney lost me when they took over “Winnie the Poo” and turned him into a “Bear of Little Anything” along with turning Eeyore, Tigger, and all the rest into foppish, empty-headed disasters.

          I read A.A. Milne to my students, and they don’t recognize the characters or the stories because of what Disney has done to them. How very sad….

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 June 29
          LurkRealClose permalink

          That’s so sad :(

          I am a big fan of the silly old bear.

          Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 29
          Bridgete permalink

          Well, my Tigger tattoo is the Disney version, but I prefer the original Tigger. It’s just that he’s (sadly) more recognizable this way.

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        ZandarValkinoor permalink

        Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick Zandar!

        I am only fourteen, and I remember my mother reading me A.A. Milne’s original Winnie the Pooh. Sigh, I miss those days, especially nap time.

        I vote for Craigslist to have optional nap time! The only reason I miss it is because I used to stay up the whole time and talk to my friend, who oddly did not speak english, but he understood me as long as I made punching noises and said “I am Batman”…..

        Adores: 4
  24. 2010 June 29
    Bridgete permalink

    Completely OT, but as you’re all the kinds of people who would enjoy this…read the 2010 Bulwer-Lytton contest winners! The goal: to submit the best bad opening sentence for a novel that you can dream up.

    http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 June 29
      SilvaNoir permalink

      I remember hearing about that years ago, but forgot what it was to look it up again, thanks! I remember one year they mentioned something like “India hung off the continent like a wet towel” and the mental image always stuck in my mind.

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29

      Hmmm… I ought to enter that.

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        Bridgete permalink

        Absolutely!

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        LurkRealClose permalink

        Yes, you’d be great!

        Adores: 0
  25. 2010 June 29
    queensbee permalink

    na-ah…. i havent seen titanic either. and i dont need to. ship sails, ship hits iceberg, ship sinks. end of story. i’m with ya drmk – why see such a stupid movie. with such an arrogant a-hole director. i didnt even wanna see it on hbo. fawgeddabouddit. however, this sequel is gonna be made by whackos. they left out the zombies.

    Adores: 0
  26. 2010 June 29

    So I don’t need to send them any pelvis shots?

    Adores: 1
  27. 2010 June 29
    SilvaNoir permalink

    Hey, I know this plot…. isn’t this basically AQUAMAN? Underwater humanoid king of the seas, and all? but it unless it involves him fighting a zombie killer whale, I’m out.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 June 29

      Hey, I never voted for no Aquaman.

      Adores: 1
  28. 2010 June 29
    Jenn H. permalink

    I didn’t know mermaids could survive that deep down in the water.

    Adores: 0
  29. 2010 June 29
    Kae permalink

    I’m visualizing dialogue here…

    “Draw me, Jack. Draw me like one of your land girls.”
    “Hold still. It’s hard to get the proper shading on your tentacles.”

    Adores: 2
  30. 2010 June 29
    Windrose permalink

    Hey, look who is in the box! I SAID LOOK, DAMN IT! *takes deep breath* Sorry! Sorry, everyone! Just a little frazzled from work. Okay, Irreg. I’ll be back to punch you later.

    Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29
      Bridgete permalink

      Sounds like you need another margarita. I’m heading to the bar anyway, I’ll grab you one.

      *gets a couple margaritas*

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29
      LurkRealClose permalink

      Oh, shucks! I commented so much yesterday, trying to get in the box. I guess it really is a quality over quantity thing, huh. Rats.

      J/K – Congrats, Irreg!

      Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 29
      Windrose permalink

      Thanks, Bridgete! *slugs down in one gulp*

      LRC, there are certain things you must do to get in the box. First, you must find a golden door knob, and turn it clockwise thrice. Then, you must find a virgin mare, and collect her sweat. Finally, you must run through the woods at midnight while screaming like a chicken. Only then will you be selected for the Don’t Suck box.*

      *Not entirely true.

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 June 29

        Also, my independent research has shown that your chances of being in the box are improved if you post a poem, song lyrics, or a story related to the day’s post.

        Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 30
        LurkRealClose permalink

        Well, I used to be pretty good at Adventure on the Atari, so I may have a chance.

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 June 30
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      Wheeee! I get to wait to be punched!

      Adores: 0
  31. 2010 June 29
    keelhaulrose permalink

    I told my husband to forget the four horsemen of the Apocolypse, the true sign of the end of the world was when Disney would get their grubby little mouse paws on the story of the Titanic, and make it so a race of magical dolophins or friendly mermaids come in to save the day and stop the boat from sinking. All while the evil iceburg monster does a dance with his polar bear henchmen.

    I’m calling this close enough. Party in my bunker!

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 June 29
      SilvaNoir permalink

      There WAS a cartoon where a family of friendly mice stopped the Titanic from sinking, but it wasn’t Disney. I don’t even think it was American. But I remember hearing about it and seeing some clips on the internet a year back.
      Sorry I don’t have a link.

      I’ll bring some soda to the party :)

      Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 29
        ZandarValkinoor permalink

        Ok, we have soda, a mouse, a wolf. I’ll bring the salmon vodka and Bacontini*

        So then we will have a quilt**, some Bacontini*, some vodka, a mouse, a wolf……

        *still cant find my TM button

        ** quilt soon to be something a bit more..ermm.. Less random

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 30
          CapnMac permalink

          Young [insert sex identifier here] you best not be bringing
          adult beverages around here, if you are 14–last thing we need is Minors in Possession (bad enough with the possessed mynas posting on CL as it is . . . )

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 30
        ZandarValkinoor permalink

        Just trying to keep somewhat relevent to the comedy going on already, but, if my attempts bother you, I guess I will stop, concidering it is the opinion of the public.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 June 30
          Innana permalink

          He’s just doing a comic riff — nothing personal!

          Adores: 0
      • 2010 June 30
        SymphonyCynderyn permalink

        So was ZV, but it was an inside joke between him and his friends whenever they do roast parties about him,*
        but he usually ends it in “Goodbye Forever”

        *ALLL the time, considering we never know when he is actually going to move. His father said they were moving 2 months ago, he is still here…

        PS. WHOA! I got a cool quilt

        Adores: 0
  32. 2010 June 30
    Windrose permalink

    Irregular Fractal, you sly snarky one! Punchity Punch Punch!

    G’Night, Vancouver!

    Adores: 2
  33. 2012 June 30

    Mermaid Saviors are the tuna sliders in my chain of trendy eateries in strip malls.

    Adores: 2
  34. 2012 June 30

    You know, with all the mediocre films released recently based on things like the Battleship board game, Titanic II is starting to look better and better.

    Adores: 3
  35. 2012 June 30
    LimeLolly permalink

    I got lost in time rereading all the posts. Good times.

    Adores: 4
  36. 2012 June 30
    penguin permalink

    Was all set to make a Johnnie Depp ref when I saw that I was the first poster two years ago and it was a Depp ref. Still not a Leo fan and still think that Titanic would have been a lot more entertaining with Depp.

    Adores: 3
  37. 2012 June 30
    Dr. Baron Captain Digitalaxis von Awesomesauce permalink

    So is this a sequel to Titanic? Or Atlantis: The Lost Empire? Or The Little Mermaid?

    ’cause you know, who DOESN’T want to see Jack Dawson fall in love with Ariel and then something involving a war under the sea against Captain Nemo…

    But yes, definitely, chicks in bikinis.

    Adores: 3
  38. 2012 July 1

    Bianchi Sound, maybe you can get a role as the goddess of underwater music? This plot requires that no one have a problem with a male goddess so it would work! Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Sonia Nar!

    Adores: 0

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