You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: unrealistic expectations

  • YSaC, Vol. 1799: Paging Raven

    Iam looking for a editor

    Iam looking to find a editor to try to help me do my book. Its a fantasy series and I just found out its going to cost some gig bucks to get it done. what kind of deal could we work out Iam up to just about anything besides some gay guy trying to get something from me. I can do a lot of things paint,remodel,driveways,roofing,car work. Hay Iam a guy that can do a lot of things and have had ny hands on a lot of stuff. So with that can we work a deal

    OK, Iam (if that is your real name), let’s see if I can do some editing for you. You’re a homophobic jerk, so let’s see if I can make your post a little more hilarious:

    …I can “do a lot of things”: “paint,” “remodel,” “driveways,” “roofing,” “car work.” Hay, Iam a guy that can “do a lot of things” and have had my hands on a “lot of stuff.” So with that can we work a deal?

    There. Now to just repost this in “m4btwsami” (Men for biker types with serious anger management issues). Great – hopefully that gets you the attention your work deserves. Hopefully the btwsami doesn’t want apostrophes from you.

    Thanks for the post, TLS!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1793: Yo. I can do that.

    Do you like to do work? Preferably something which requires years of training, and expensive equipment that you have to provide yourself? Are you nonetheless morally opposed to monetary compensation for such work? Mike, one of our regular readers, lives in a city where you’ll have PLENTY of opportunities!

    REBRANDING! looking for VIDEO/PHOTOGRAPHER

    compensation: no pay

    GREETINGS!

    Male Socialite looking to rebrand myself and webpage in the upcoming new year! I am looking to grow into a self proclaimed “Creatif”! I have plenty of concepts, and I am open to yours also! I am looking to create images from outlandish to fashionable. I am a graphic designer so raw or edited images are fine! Looking to shoot sooner then later, but open to scheduling things further into the year! Dont hesitate to hit me up! Looking forward to hearing from you!

    Because helping you realize your dreams of becoming a modern day Oscar Wilde is definitely going to pay off down the road.

    Photographer for Exotic Fitness Model

    I’m beautiful and fit and I’m looking for a team of photographers that can capture my beautiful fit physique. I’m also building my brand so I’m interested in photographers that have great contacts in the health and fitness industry. I expect a full portfolio, I will provide my own wardrobe and makeup artist. You must have a professional portfolio of work before I will consider working with you.

    Serious inquiries only. Forward your info including contact info.

    No Pay. I provide you with a stunning model and you provide photos.

    How about I just provide you with “no?” However, I know someone who MIGHT want to photograph you, just not in the way you intended:

    A very particular kind of photography

    I am an extremely experienced photographer looking for help for a new body of work I am putting together. I am looking for people to model for me for pictures that could show your face your eyes, your mouth, or any part of your body being touched. Yes, I would want to touch you–perhaps very intimately–while I am photographing you. No, I would not try to have sex with you. If you are interested, please shoot me a note. I am very serious about this. You get copies of everything, and if there is any kind of picture you need, I will shoot it for you.

    If you really insist that there be at least a possibility of compensation, there’s always THIS guy:

    Wanted: Online dating Digital Voice

    compensation: Compensation based either on a flat weekly fee or incentive program

    Getting a lot of matches on Tinder and Hinge, but schedule does not permit to holla at bitches all day long.

    Need someone to craft endearing and provocative messages through my online dating networks with the end goal of securing real world dates. In other words, I am looking to hire someone to be my online dating digital voice. No help needed once date is secured as my real-life pimp game is on point.

    About me:
    – Well-above average looking guy
    – Normal Cat
    – Sailor, cyclist, traveler, great sense of humor, outdoorsy, lover of life, and dog-lover

    Ideal Candidate:
    – Lipstick lesbian who understands women, but who enjoys the company of men
    – Non-judgmental and believes in efficiency
    – Great sense of humor and dog-lover

    Will compensate based either on a flat weekly fee or a more lucrative incentive system based on number of dates acquired per week.

    But for real certainty that you’ll be making money, I think it’s hard to beat this position:

    Precision Artist

    DETAILED ARTIST

    Needed a professional artist who is skilled in the art of fine detail. I am an ex-printer that specializes in making satirical knock-offs of various currency. This project is STRICTLY FOR FUN however. The artist should be skilled in rendering precision quality portraits of various popular deceased presidents. The artist needs to be thoroughly acquainted with color shifting inks and their application on various types of cloth paper stock and aware of the latest print technology including numerical type-setting. It would be of great benefit if they were familiar with new 3d technology such as making detailed holograms or at least willing to learn. This part is absolutely critical they must be willing to listen, pay attention, extremely eager to do a great job{PERFECTIONIST} and is willing to follow specific directions. Looking for that special person who is extremely motivated by company benefits {SPECIAL PERKS} and KNOWS exactly what he is doing. On a personal note no we don’t run background checks or use e-verify so we won’t know if you’ve ever been to a FEDERAL PENITENTIARY.

    Thanks for all the material, Mike!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1775: Who’s a blurry dog? YOU’RE a blurry dog!

    wanted foam to keep sound out

    we cant use foam from couch. we can use any other foam sheets, rolls . I need 2in x37 in x 41in . its for a window. my dog is afraid of the rain

    If only there were some way to acquire products besides simply posting about your needs to Craigslist. Can you imagine the magical, fantasy world we would be living in if there were some kind of place you could go to get things? Actually, there’s so many different kinds of things, that in this hypothetical utopia, we might want to divide these thing-acquiring-places into categories. There’d be a home-thing-acquiring-place, a food-thing-acquiring-place, and maybe even a thing-acquiring-place devoted entirely to different types of popcorn!

    Wouldn’t that be amazing?

    But since we don’t have that, I suppose the next best thing would be if someone worked out some way to create some sort of internet-virtual-thing-acquiring-place. It would be like the real thing-acquiring-places, but you just wouldn’t be able to poke the things until they arrived at your home.

    We should probably think of a better name than “thing-acquiring-place,” as awesome as that would be in German.

    Maybe the dog could help.

    Thanks for the post, Lace!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1773: Technical Foul

    We’ve had plenty of posts from people looking to get something for nothing. It’s sort of a cliche that musicians get asked to play “for the exposure,” which as far as I can tell means that since they’re not getting paid, they’re likely to die of exposure.

    Here’s someone looking for a free photographer, although what they really seem to need is someone with a few extra periods and commas:

    Let’s create some art

    Hey everyone I’m Jimmy 21 year old male model for the past year I’ve been lucky enough to work with some amazing photographers allot of which I’ve met on CL so recently I’ve been slacking and I have not been producing new work so let’s fix that I have a few girl friends who have been asking me to shoot with them I’m looking for photographers who willing to shoot edgy provocative semi-nude work I’ve done full nude but I’m not too sure if the girls are willing to do nudes I’m sure some of them are all of these shoot would be individual maybe a group I have a few idea and we are also ready to help you execute any of your ideas this is a TF so no money would be made from these pictures let me know if you’re interested and I’ll send you pics of myself and of some of the girls thanks

    This is a TF. What is a TF, you ask? I have no idea. I tried looking it up, and here’s the first two dozen or so matches:

    • Transformers (toy)
    • Transformation
    • Track & Field
    • Transferrin
    • Transmission Fluid (automotive)
    • Transflash Memory Card (mobile device)
    • Tooth Fairy
    • Turbofan
    • Trotteur Francais (France)
    • True Friends
    • Trap Flag
    • Too Funny
    • Trigger Finger (stenosing tendovaginitis)
    • Tuition Fee
    • Two Fluid
    • Testicular Feminization (reproductive pathology)
    • Trace Flag
    • Transmission Factor (radiation exposure)
    • Transit Facility
    • Tranche Ferme (Marchés Publics)
    • Terminal File
    • Transient Fault
    • Terminal Forecast
    • Type of Funds (USACE)
    • Thomas-Fermi Approximation

    None of these make any sense, of course, but I really hope it’s not the Tooth Fairy. Thanks for the post, Mike!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1772: No weirdos.

    Hey gentlemen! Are you looking for that special lady? Well, keep looking, because I doubt you can meet THESE high standards:

    Seeking a prince with valor and loyalty – 35

    35/F, Christian, does not fornicate. Looking for man who does not have sex unless he is in love, married, or someone who is a virgin. NO SEXUAL HOOKUPS. NO HOOKUPS AT ALL.
    Looking for a friend. Semi-attractive, used to be more attractive female, need to work on myself, get in shape. Not a relationship based on looks or lust. Real friendship and connection, best friend, loyal, honest, non-sexual relationship. Friends, then maybe romance later. NO HOOKUPS, NO SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS. Contact me if you are a Christian, celibate, looking for something real, no booty calls, no lustful relationships. Please do not send any sexy photos or half-naked photos. Please do not reply and send me any photos. Only reply if looking for a long term relationship, a serious friendship, a soul mate. Do not reply if you do casual hookups, date more than one person at a time to try to weed out those you don’t like, if you date a few or several girls at once and are intimate with more than one person during that time period, if you have casual sex, if you do oral sex, if you have one night stands, if you go out to bars and try to pick up women, if you lust after women, if you watch porno, if you love breasts or love vaginas and desire to get lucky and score, if you rack up the notches on your bedpost, if you think that sex is a commodity, if you think that lustful sex is not immoral, if you think cheating is not immoral, if you care more about the physical looks of someone than who they are as a person, if you do not desire a personal connection built on trust and loyalty. If you are the type who is commitment-phobic, afraid of love, run away if a girl says she loves you, if you reject women after you sleep with them, please don’t e-mail me. If you are interested in being with someone, anyone because you desire to touch someone, but it’s just for here and now, don’t contact me. Don’t contact me if you think that women are like 31 flavors. Don’t contact me unless you value one person, monogamy, and unless you can cherish a person and don’t want anyone else. Don’t contact me if you want a physical relationship. If you try to wait to have sex until you find someone you love and/or you will marry, then contact me. If you believe in fornicating with anyone and it’s not a sin, don’t contact me.

    So none of those things are OK. On the other hand, run-on sentences seem to be just fine. I think if we can find her a nice coma patient, she’ll be in good shape. Otherwise… good luck there, Sparkette.

    Thanks for the post, Mike!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1767: Tear me down

    Demo guys needed commercial

    Demo guys
    I’m looking for demo guys that kill themselves no posers I’m only looking for the 1% 0f guys that give you 10 hrs work in a 8 hr day this is what I need .Do not bullshit me you will be fired the first day
    I am looking for the guys that want to work not feed a habit if you cannot lift at least 80 lbs on a regular basis beat it I’m sick of guys that say they can work and bitch and moan fuck you my team works hard and is a close nit bunch If you talk to much this crew is not for you we don’t speak we work no fat guys no drugs no bullshit drama with I don’t have a ride don’t have a hard hat don’t have boots fuck off this is real world if you want it work for it good … it will not be handed to you this is the military type job if you think you got what it takes reply

    I think I see why you have such a high turnover problem here, Sparky McBossypants. If you keep hiring guys that kill themselves, that may be why they don’t last too long in your “close nit bunch.” Or they may just not like all the nits. Plus, you have to spend so much time picking the nits. Do I want the lime nit, or the grape nit? Picking is hard. I prefer military type jobs, where I just get told which nits I want to pick.

    Thanks for the ad, some guy!