You Suck at Craigslist

YSaC, Vol. 1772: No weirdos.

Written by

dan

in

Hey gentlemen! Are you looking for that special lady? Well, keep looking, because I doubt you can meet THESE high standards:

Seeking a prince with valor and loyalty – 35

35/F, Christian, does not fornicate. Looking for man who does not have sex unless he is in love, married, or someone who is a virgin. NO SEXUAL HOOKUPS. NO HOOKUPS AT ALL.
Looking for a friend. Semi-attractive, used to be more attractive female, need to work on myself, get in shape. Not a relationship based on looks or lust. Real friendship and connection, best friend, loyal, honest, non-sexual relationship. Friends, then maybe romance later. NO HOOKUPS, NO SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS. Contact me if you are a Christian, celibate, looking for something real, no booty calls, no lustful relationships. Please do not send any sexy photos or half-naked photos. Please do not reply and send me any photos. Only reply if looking for a long term relationship, a serious friendship, a soul mate. Do not reply if you do casual hookups, date more than one person at a time to try to weed out those you don’t like, if you date a few or several girls at once and are intimate with more than one person during that time period, if you have casual sex, if you do oral sex, if you have one night stands, if you go out to bars and try to pick up women, if you lust after women, if you watch porno, if you love breasts or love vaginas and desire to get lucky and score, if you rack up the notches on your bedpost, if you think that sex is a commodity, if you think that lustful sex is not immoral, if you think cheating is not immoral, if you care more about the physical looks of someone than who they are as a person, if you do not desire a personal connection built on trust and loyalty. If you are the type who is commitment-phobic, afraid of love, run away if a girl says she loves you, if you reject women after you sleep with them, please don’t e-mail me. If you are interested in being with someone, anyone because you desire to touch someone, but it’s just for here and now, don’t contact me. Don’t contact me if you think that women are like 31 flavors. Don’t contact me unless you value one person, monogamy, and unless you can cherish a person and don’t want anyone else. Don’t contact me if you want a physical relationship. If you try to wait to have sex until you find someone you love and/or you will marry, then contact me. If you believe in fornicating with anyone and it’s not a sin, don’t contact me.

So none of those things are OK. On the other hand, run-on sentences seem to be just fine. I think if we can find her a nice coma patient, she’ll be in good shape. Otherwise… good luck there, Sparkette.

Thanks for the post, Mike!

Comments

37 responses to “YSaC, Vol. 1772: No weirdos.”

  1. Tigprincess Avatar
    Tigprincess

    Methinks Sparkesse doth protest too much. She may be a Christian and not into sex but she sure knows a lot about it to say she doesn’t want it. The word vicarious comes to mind, then again it’s Craigslist so maybe not.

  2. Ralph Avatar
    Ralph

    Sparky really wants a dog.

    1. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
      MissMommyNiceNice

      No way. No how. Not gonna happen. She’ll have to make due with her cats.

    2. kc Avatar
      kc

      Nah….a dog would try to have sex with her leg and then it would all be over.

  3. CapnMac Avatar
    CapnMac

    I’m thinking Sparkie here nerds some prompt medical supervision. Perhaps with some soothing English lessons concommittant therapy.

  4. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
    MissMommyNiceNice

    Hello,
    I am a 35 year old lifer at [location] state penitentiary looking for a lifetime non – sexual relationship with a committed crazy person of the female persuasion. Perhaps we can get to know each other better? I’m into long walks in the yard, reading case law, and have a nice side business in handcrafted shivs. What do you like to do in your free time?

    Looking forward to getting to know you better!

    Yours Truly,
    Inmate #DHV-64031227

  5. Dave and Ferret Tribe Avatar
    Dave and Ferret Tribe

    You must desire a personal connection based on real friendship and loyalty. I’m not going to tell you about my personality except for a single all-consuming aspect, and I will express it in a way that will most likely send you running away screaming. At least my cats understand me.

    1. nojazzhere Avatar
      nojazzhere

      WHEW!!! I got aroused just reading Sparkette’s post….I can only imagine what that repressed, tortured lady will be like when her inner demons are unleashed!
      So, Tina, hows about a little roll in the hay???? (extra points for naming that little movie reference)

      1. Brer Fox Avatar
        Brer Fox

        Not sure, but, Young Frankenstein?

        1. Brer Fox Avatar
          Brer Fox

          I googled “So, Tina, hows about a little roll in the hay?” and got are you looking for “My little Pony Games” and “Little Mermaid Pictures”

          How far off is that?

      2. C"From Behind.....Suddenly"J Avatar
        C”From Behind…..Suddenly”J

        Young Frankenstein, FTW!!

        Roll, roll, roll in za hay!

        1. nojazzhere Avatar
          nojazzhere

          Actually, Young Frankenstein would be very close, but no cigar…. The correct answer is “Diary of a Mad Housewife”. An approximate description of our mad Miss Lovelorn.

      3. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
        MissMommyNiceNice

        I don’t know how to imbed images. After many failed attempts enjoy this obnoxiously long link: –Elizabeth

        Editor’s Note: That will be 2 pounds of really high grade bird seed, no sunflower. Put it in the cup holder. Thanks. — WR

        1. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
          MissMommyNiceNice

          Aww, thanks! Our of bird seed. Here’s some coffee slices. ♡

  6. HanCan Avatar
    HanCan

    That’s a hard on to read.

    1. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
      MissMommyNiceNice

      That’s what she said.

  7. MissMommyNiceNice Avatar
    MissMommyNiceNice

    NO HOOKUPS is the name of my Christian John Lee Hooker cover band.

    1. One Moving Violation Avatar
      One Moving Violation

      The place I live has full hookups, but I am only partly hooked up. Can I still get in on this?

      Do you see yourself as half-naked or half-clothed? Because I have some nice half-clothed photos I can send.

  8. TC Avatar
    TC

    I for one simply cannot fathom why this prize catch is still single.

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      I know, right? This is like the plot of every romance novel ever published, and I expect her overly masculine alpha hunk-o-burning friendship first is waiting in the wings, trying to read this ad.

  9. C"From Behind.....Suddenly"J Avatar
    C”From Behind…..Suddenly”J

    I’m guessing Sparkette here maybe is not a fan of premarital sex?

    I don’t know, it’s hard to tell….

    1. One Moving Violation Avatar
      One Moving Violation

      ….or post-marital sex, or extra-marital sex, or inter-marital sex, or sextuplets, or Essex, or Sussex, or insex, or transex…

      1. HamCan Avatar
        HamCan

        Donkeys are right out, I suspect.

    2. nojazzhere Avatar
      nojazzhere

      Is this whatcha call the feminine mystique???

    3. Ralph Avatar
      Ralph

      It’s not premarital sex if don’t plan on getting married.

  10. Brer Fox Avatar
    Brer Fox

    if you have one night stands

    Um, I think it should be stand (singular), stands is for when you have more than one.

    No I don’t have one night stand, but I have a TV tray.

  11. Not-a-[censored] Lion Avatar
    Not-a-[censored] Lion

    That’s right! You tell ’em sister! We’ll not have any of that “Be fruitful and multiply” stuff going on around here! Ramen!

  12. HanCan Avatar
    HanCan

    I wonder if she would date Oral Roberts?

    1. Windrose Avatar
      Windrose

      Or as we like to call him, Oral Bob.

    2. Bombdude Avatar
      Bombdude

      No! no Oral! Didn’t you read the post?!?!?!

  13. Windrose Avatar
    Windrose

    Hammy, Ralph, close your eyes and I’ll punch you! Punchity Punch Punch!

    Okay, next time I’ll close my eyes.

    Good Morning, Sgt. Sparky’s Lonely Hearts’ Club Band!

  14. SilvaNoir Avatar
    SilvaNoir

    Carrie‘s mother looks to date

  15. NotMyName Avatar
    NotMyName

    I need to come back here more often. Also, no, crazy person. Just no. And no, I have nothing funny to say.

  16. Ninja Chow Avatar
    Ninja Chow

    I think Sparkette is looking in the wrong section, she might have more luck in the obituaries. Of course those guys are all stiff so maybe not.
    Yeah, I know, hello corner.

  17. ratwoman Avatar
    ratwoman

    “Please do not reply and send me any photos.”

    So Sparky doesn’t want replies at all – fair enough, she’s not going to be disappointed then.

  18. Brer Fox Avatar
    Brer Fox

    All quirk and no lay makes Jill a killjoy.

  19. camille Avatar
    camille

    Sparkette, honey, if you rule out all the men who lust after women, chances are you’re gonna end up with a man who lusts after men.

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