You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: wall of text

  • YSaC, Vol. 1772: No weirdos.

    Hey gentlemen! Are you looking for that special lady? Well, keep looking, because I doubt you can meet THESE high standards:

    Seeking a prince with valor and loyalty – 35

    35/F, Christian, does not fornicate. Looking for man who does not have sex unless he is in love, married, or someone who is a virgin. NO SEXUAL HOOKUPS. NO HOOKUPS AT ALL.
    Looking for a friend. Semi-attractive, used to be more attractive female, need to work on myself, get in shape. Not a relationship based on looks or lust. Real friendship and connection, best friend, loyal, honest, non-sexual relationship. Friends, then maybe romance later. NO HOOKUPS, NO SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS. Contact me if you are a Christian, celibate, looking for something real, no booty calls, no lustful relationships. Please do not send any sexy photos or half-naked photos. Please do not reply and send me any photos. Only reply if looking for a long term relationship, a serious friendship, a soul mate. Do not reply if you do casual hookups, date more than one person at a time to try to weed out those you don’t like, if you date a few or several girls at once and are intimate with more than one person during that time period, if you have casual sex, if you do oral sex, if you have one night stands, if you go out to bars and try to pick up women, if you lust after women, if you watch porno, if you love breasts or love vaginas and desire to get lucky and score, if you rack up the notches on your bedpost, if you think that sex is a commodity, if you think that lustful sex is not immoral, if you think cheating is not immoral, if you care more about the physical looks of someone than who they are as a person, if you do not desire a personal connection built on trust and loyalty. If you are the type who is commitment-phobic, afraid of love, run away if a girl says she loves you, if you reject women after you sleep with them, please don’t e-mail me. If you are interested in being with someone, anyone because you desire to touch someone, but it’s just for here and now, don’t contact me. Don’t contact me if you think that women are like 31 flavors. Don’t contact me unless you value one person, monogamy, and unless you can cherish a person and don’t want anyone else. Don’t contact me if you want a physical relationship. If you try to wait to have sex until you find someone you love and/or you will marry, then contact me. If you believe in fornicating with anyone and it’s not a sin, don’t contact me.

    So none of those things are OK. On the other hand, run-on sentences seem to be just fine. I think if we can find her a nice coma patient, she’ll be in good shape. Otherwise… good luck there, Sparkette.

    Thanks for the post, Mike!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1750: Sorry for exploding.

    Who’s ready for a wall of crazy?

    saw big (now huge) jon from blue bird taxi wed – w4m

    Just saw big jon from blue bird taxi at ingles parking lot. I saw him the 1 day my feet hurt too much to drive. He looks like he put on about 100lbs. He was all smirk probably cause he had always told me id never drive. So that was probably a “see I told u you’d never drive,here u r taking a cab again” smirk,smile&look. I feel so uncomfortable&mixed up right now. Could really use a hug. It took me this long to sorta start getting over my friendship with him&now this. I kinda want to show him that I can drive,but don’t know if I can handle being next to him without the company of a big guy,I’m kinda scarred of him. I do want him to know I do drive,but at the same time show him see how much business u r loosing by not being my friend any more,how much business u&blue bird taxi r loosing. I am kinda happy he gained weight,means he didn’t do so good loosing the friendship either. Ok so person I sometimes ride with now,doesn’t walk my dog while I shop or make out with her or litterally take her on a date with a buy one entree&get1free coupons,both going to resturants where she gets second entree. Caby,I ride with now doesn’t do any of that,but also doesn’t try to” buy “my classic chevy impala “with a kiss” after purposely crushing my van in junkyard&keeping the money for their rent. I guess he was hoping if he gave me a kiss id sign what will be my daughters car over to him(most likely for his daughter. I did lent him both my cars for almost3yrs,but no way I was gonna sign it over to him,esp not for a kiss.Ok,so the ppl I ride with now don’t give me big hugs like big jon used to&honestly,I really do miss that&could really use a huge hug right now,but atleast they r not grroming me to be their next financial victim for2plus yrs. Sorry,just ranting. Could totaaly use one of big jons hugs now,but haven’t found a replacement for that yet. His hugs r awesome,but even they r not worth my classic chevy.
    I told todays caby about what big jon from blue bird taxi was probably thinking. He said not to worry about it. I can take a cab when I want to take a cab. Ya,but still I want to proof to jon that I do drive&use less cabs then b4,but my doggy needs a new friend&I just sometimes need anyones company&jon knows I used to pay him just so id have someone to talk to b4 we became friends. My cabby thanked me for our buisness. He should be thanking big jon,cause had big jon from blue bird not broke off our friendship after he crushed my van id still be riding with them&I still would probably not have the heart to ask for my2nd car bk&definatly still be riding with blue bird taxi.Cabby I ride with now from an actual competitor company may not walk my dog&may not give me hugs,but would never take advantage of a disabled lonely single mom like that. Ok,got it out of my system,but really could use company. Anyone up for company? Any church ppl. Ok,just ranting,used to do this w big jon when something was upsetting or sad,but now just throwing it out there in the wind. Its just a lil therapeutic for me. I know this will get flagged&its ok,its already helped me therapeutically just to write this. I used to be the one bragging about big jons petfriendly service&he used to thank me everytime he got new regular customers for him&for blue bird taxi cause of my brags. I’m not gonna mention names of company or ppl I ride with now cause I don’t want anyone to pull a big jon on me in a few yrs blaming it on my compliments about them. Blue bird used to be rated one and a half stars b4 I started raving about big jon,soon after I started they were rated four and a half stars&probably stayed that way. I don’t want to do this for another company&take a chance on it backfiring on me. Seing big jon was awkward,but since we r almost neighboers(did this unpurpose,moved a wk from eachother within a few miles so we can help eachother without waisting gas),it was bound to happen,was just hoping it wouldn’t happen til I was emotionally stronger. Boy am I glad we didn’t have my dog with us. She really was in love with him,the way they acted around eachother,but she may have finally forgotten,although she was&may still be heartbroken. Big jon used to say any man who hurts a woman in any way physically,financiallyor emotionally which includes breaking her heart is not a man,but a scumbag. He did appologize to me cause he was tired of feeling like a scumbag&cause he wanted to be a good example for his sons,how can he expect them not to hurt woman when he as their dad does not practice what he preaches. Ok,now,i’m really done ranting&if big jon sees this telling him how I really feel. Ya,I miss u,your fam&your hugs,but I don’t miss basically supporting u,(ya,I know everytime u asked for money for repairs on a car I never drove,car may not really needed repair,but u obviously needed or wanted money for something&I don’t deny my friends what I have&ofcourse I want u to be able to comunicate with ur fam even when u r tight on cash for ur ph bill&ofcourse I want your wife&son to be healthy&get any sergerys they need even if money for deductable is tight. I don’t miss not having the heart to ask for my cars back cause u needed a 2nd&3rd car for your fam&when I went on most of ur . . ..,I now know the real reason why u wouldnt(or couldn’t)set foot in a church to come to my baptism. I do miss the rest&being able to help someone in other ways,like sharing my freebees and helping someone I care about never go hungry. Now,I have almost everything I want to say out of my system,will write what I wanted to write long ago. But thatlll be a few wks or a few months.
    Then ill stop for good. Meanwhile happy bday to one of ur2older girls. And happy aniversary to u in august. Still love u like a brother,but working on not feeling that way.glad I atleast enabled u some nice father son summer vaccation memories with the councilman&what was it your son said “the stop in arizona where the preetiest girls r”. Ok,I need to be done.I think its finally out of my system except the one thing ive been saving in my drafts&gotta find when I feel like it. It won’t be posted on cl. Oh incase ur thinking of scarring me,I won’t be traveling alone,caby u saw me with is almost ur size. But other then that it was nice seing u.ya,I was intimidated,but hey it doesn’t take much for a 6’9,by now 600lb guy to intimidate a 5’2,by now 144lbs handicapped lady using a walker. Also regret not wearing my jeans that make me look hot cause everyone likes having hot friends,even hot platonic friends. Anyway someone like big jon,his size,with his former jobs prowrestler etc,marine etc,well someone like him intimidating someone like me does not take that great of a feat,but if that makes u proud..ok I better stop. Maybe something good will come from this. Couldn’t hold this part in any more,sorry for exploding.

    ps, I wrote this on wed,but wasn’t able to post it til today,dont know if I would have been able to face big giant jon alone had I been driving that day. im glad we didn’t have our dog with us that day,that would have broke her heart all over again,she has actually started acting old since than,didnt eat for a few wks after the incident in 2012,the crushing my car and after I forgave him crushing my furbabies heart by ending the friendship. ok now I need to be done except for one thing which will take a while. still love u,but was never in love with u and never will be,that was my dog and sorry but even ur kiss wasn’t good enough for me to fall in love with u or to give u my classic car for. besides there is a very lovely lady in your life I would never hurt like that,several actually(I wouldn’t have lent u our back up phone for her to use or for u to use to communicate with her or paid for her surgery deductible if I didn’t care about her or not said anything when she drove my van when the deal was between u and me for driving my car as a loan til I get my dl and relearn to drive in the mountains,which I just did,had u not crushed my van,u would still be driving the second car until my daughter gets her licence and since we are almost neighboers we would still let u barrow one when we don’t need it,heck we might have taken ur advise and moved next door so whoever needs the cars first could use it. and since I cant do some things I would have paid ur son and daughter to do them like trash paid ur son for that and paid ur daughter again for petsitting,ask her how much I gave her last time,more than I would give most petsitters and more than most charge cause I wanted to). sorry for ranting.
    oh ya, happy mothersday to your wife and probably also to your daughter in law, u did always say your biological son would make u a grandpa too soon. personally I think he is a very nicepolite responsible young man.

    Well good. Glad we got that cleared up. I just have a few questions:
    1. What was the elephant doing in the grocery store in the first place?
    2. Why didn’t this person just have the badger laminated?
    3. Shouldn’t the notary public lose their job for that?

    Thanks for the post, HML!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1642: Worst baby name list ever.

    Olive Edith Zola Koa Beatrice Chamois Petal Cindy Urna Lila – 19

    Arnold Cypress Merlin Puck Luke Mike,Mikey Dickens Kokamo Magic Hamlet Jock Fletcher Comet Falcon Basil Hobbit Morley Mako Gusevik Zog Elwood Fighter Bubby Friday Dalton Wiggles Houdini Juice Harper Piranha Kegger Bellamy Norman Wolfer Durango Micha Davinci Rusty Paloma Cowboy Flipper Cujo Joe Zepplin Horus Caliber Patches Felix Rooney Pylon Ronin Matera Bean Hunter Wiley Zephyr Fender Atlas Moose Loki Hart Funky Zeb

    I give this four stars. I want to give it five, but the third act was slow and a little hard to follow. Also the use of the deus ex machina to resolve the central conflict was a bit of a cheat. So really it’s only worth three stars, now that I think about it. And even that might be a bit generous. I mean, they introduce “Piranha” about halfway through and never develop the character at all. And you can see the twist ending with “Zeb” coming a mile away. So maybe only one star, minus one-half star for the comma splice and lack of punctuation.

    Thanks, Mike!

  • YSaC, Vol. CLXXIX

    Are You Ashamed Of The Lack Of Dressers In Your House

    It is a very frustrating experience staring at those empty spaces in the main rooms of your house, clothes scattered all across the floor, and your closets just as messy; your rooms are just perpetual messes that never seem to get in order, no matter how much time and effort you spend cleaning them. What is the result of this frustrating process? Your overall well-being suffers and you find yourself making little problems into much larger difficulties. These little things that we are exposed to each day are the triggers for negative snowballs in our lives. Studies have proven that not having the necessary little things to complement our lifestyles are what give rise to bigger problems and the big problems are never really the cause. All the while, you are confused as to how you got yourself into such a knot. Coupled with the constant reminder, “Money can’t buy happiness,” mantra, causing you to think that saving your money will help your problems. The truth is that money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the convenience to allow happiness in the door, such as buying the things you do need. Don’t let the little things build to something much worse. Your home is your sanctuary and you need certain things to make it so. You are fooling yourself to think otherwise.

    [Editorial comment: There’s more — much more — below the cut. Please read the lengths this person is willing to go to in order to sell two dressers. (And they’re not even French Prudential dressers!)]

    (more…)

  • YSaC, Vol. XCII

    Da Vinci Nirvana Cabinet – £1000000 (pacific coast)

    -DA VINCI NIRVANA CABINET-(Leonardo da Vinci used pattern recognition to come up with new ideas. In, A Way of Stimulating and Arousing the Mind to Various Inventions, Leonardo advised himself and others to “look at a wall spotted with stains, or with a mixture of different kinds of stones; if you have to invent some scene, you may discover a similarity with different kinds of landscapes, embellished with mountains, rivers, rocks, trees, plains, wide valleys and hills in a varied arrangement: or, again, you may see battles and figures in action or strange faces and costumes, and an endless variety of objects which you could reduce to complete and well-drawn forms.” So pay attention to the master and see what is in this cabinet’s woodgrain.)
    So you’ve seen the Da Vinci Code Miracle Door, the completely coincidental trinity of figures appearing in the woodgrain of my cabinet door. Now it’s time to see the rest of the story: The opposite door which makes up The Da Vinci Nirvana Cabinet! So you’ve seen the door on the right with the Sign of the grail(a V) above the headless nude woman (the disempowered Magdalene)which has the shape of a fish (in some forms, the Christ sign)in what could be the sun (though dark). SO now to add another chapter to this story, the DOOR ON THE LEFT: The Da Vinci Nirvana Door. Now to look at this door we will rotate it so that the left side becomes the top. Now you can see if you’ll look closely, a rising out of the woodgrain on the right side ( above what looks a little like the start of a fleur-de-lis on it’s side) that becomes a round circle of lines radiating outward. From this the lines widen out and on the left side they take on the shape of a mushroom. This is important and what comes next is even more so. The next line breaks the mushroom mold and forms a nose over a neck and chin making a face looking upward to the heavens. YOW! Then in the next line radiating out from it, the face’s mouth is agape with awe and wonderment at what it has beheld and in the following lines the face is absorbed into the universe at one with everything. Knowing all things and making only those ripples in the ocean of creation that serves all and destroys only that which wants to be destroyed and be transformed because it is time. SO to sum up: The Da Vinci Nirvana Door shows us the start of an insular self-centered mushroom-like (kept in the dark and fed bullshit) existence perceiving that the heavens somehow revolve around it not aware of the careless ripples it makes in the ocean of the universe (with luck it’s universe will be small surrounded by other insular self-centered universes)And then it begins to realize BANG the universe does not revolve around it and ZOW it percieves a woodwork of thought, action, consequence and existence that inspires awe unlike any it had experienced before. And then KABLOOIE it becomes as one with the universe and it’s workings. There ya’ go, a whole ‘nother door to complete the Da Vinci Code Miracle Door/Da Vinci Nirvana Cabinet Mega Coincidence, umm…Miracle? AND it’s still only a million dollars or best offer! Not for sale to people who want to use it to start a war or lord it over people for the sake of it. If you buy it and do these things or attempt to do these things, you must return the cabinet to me and no refund will be forthcoming to you and this is a rule of this sale. It is alright though to make peaceful wads of money to be used worhtwhiley off of it though, as long as all subsequent owners understand that Karma will (if not an actual agent of myself) have total and lawful contracted authority to wrest the cabinet away from whomever they are and bitch-slap them back into their mushroom phase of existence. Price : £1,000,000.00 or best offer.

    Up until the point they specified that it wasn’t for sale to people who want to use it to start a war or lord it over other people, I was right there with them — if I had this, I would absolutely lord it over everyone else.

    I’m also wondering what would happen if you got this piece of furniture too close to the flying chair.

    This was posted in the London Craigslist. I didn’t realize England had a coastline on the Pacific. That must just be me, in my insular self-centered universe, not realizing that the ocean of creation has no physical boundaries and that the KABLOOIE can make the Pacific Ocean one with the England universe.

    I think I’m going to have to start a new tag for this one — “trying too hard”. There’s clever, and then there’s trying too hard to be clever.