YSaC, Vol. 848: The Chair Way to Heaven.

2010 November 12

nice kitchen table and chairs must sell!! – $115


Must sell!!! reduced price to 115.00 chairs have imprint of 10 commandments!! If interested call natalia xxx-xxx-xxxx!!

I am thy table and thy chairs.

Thou shalt have no other chairs before me.

You shall not make for yourself any other chairs, whether in the form of wingbacks, stools, or chaise longues.

You shall not sit in any other chairs, for I am a jealous chair, and I will punish you and your children with discomfort, but I will be comfortable to those who sit in no other chairs.

You shall not make wrongful use of the chair.

Remember the chair, and keep it cushioned. On the seventh day, you may rest in me and watch football.

Honor thy table, so that your meals may be long.

You shall not break the chair.

You shall not bring other chairs into the household.

You shall not take chairs from others.

You shall not lie to the chair.

You shall not covet thy neighbor’s chairs, as they are evil chairs and do not love you the way I love you.

Thanks, Amy! (Amy has also submitted the curio cabinet full of bicycles, the Hugh inventory, and the table that’s taller with a tablecloth, among others! Methinks it’s time for Amy to get her own tag!

179 Responses leave one →
  1. 2010 November 12

    Man, those are some old chairs!

    I wonder if they were made from burning bush wood?

    Adores: 14
    • 2010 November 12
      MandaB permalink

      If your bush wood is burning, seek medical attention immediately.

      Adores: 20
      • 2010 November 12
        mudslicker permalink

        I thought that was only if it was burning for over 4 hours with no sign of it going flaccid out…..

        Adores: 9
      • 2010 November 12

        Or Richard Pryor

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 12
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Hammy OT — Oh how cute. What kind of puppy is he/she/it?

          If I were into the anagram thing, I could spell sheeit — a southern word for dam .

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 12

          Cardigan Welsh Corgi, his name is Casper. He’s 4 years old now, he has lots of obedience titles and he’s a therapy dog. he Visits mental wards mostly which is the most difficult therapy certification for a dog to get.

          Good boy Casper.

          Adores: 12
        • 2010 November 12
          christina permalink

          How very awesome! Give Casper a belly rub from all of us. :)

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 12

          Grown up Casper

          Adores: 5
      • 2010 November 12
        Mindfield permalink

        Don’t worry, it’s just because I use the warming variety.

        Adores: 5
      • 2010 November 12

        Burning Bush Wood is my Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band.

        Adores: 10
  2. 2010 November 12
    Mindfield permalink

    Being a kitchen table, I assume then that this is where Jesus had The Last Brunch. You know, the one they didn’t make a painting of, where only a small group of the closest apostles were invited to talk smack about Judas and complain about Matthew’s unholy taxes before the big shindig over mugs of ale — the same mugs, as it turns out, that TacoMagic would later learn to type with, earning him his new nickname.

    EDIT: Yay! Editing has been de-re-deactivated!

    Adores: 17
    • 2010 November 12
      mudslicker permalink

      Mindfield, I think you’re confusing “mugs of ale” with “holy grail”.

      Adores: 9
      • 2010 November 12
        Mindfield permalink

        No, no, the Holy Grail is like fine china, you only bring it out at the important shindigs. The Last Brunch was just a few friends and some canapés. If Jesus brought the grail out his disciples would be all like, “Oh, Jesus, does he have to trot that thing out every time we get together? It’s not like he makes it easy to forget the whole Son of God thing as it is, he has to drag out his pimp cup for a beer break, too?”*

        * No offense intended to religious sorts. My snark is pantheistic.

        Adores: 22
        • 2010 November 12
          mudslicker permalink

          Oh, I get it now. Sort of like the equivalent of using Dixie® cups and Chinet® plates at the rehearsal dinner.

          I hate it when Jesus insists they drag out the good stuff every Sunday.

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 November 12
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Mindfield — I have a horrid headache, please don’t make me laugh any more.

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 November 12
      Tankerbell permalink

      O beloved Llamanun, bees be ever upon thee, we thank thee for the blessing of the edit function. For we know that our snark is unworthy and full of typos and mucked-up HTML. Henceforth, on this day, we will remember the miracle of the Returning Of The Edit Function by eating unhealthy amounts of food, hanging out with family members who disapprove of us and fight with eachother, and spending money we don’t have on gifts. We will sing songs unto thee, and light five candles, one for each time the edit function was here, then gone, then returned, then gone, and finally one special candle in the middle signifying the miracle of the Returning Of The Edit Function. For five days and nights, we will spin the bottle and give gifts to one another in your name.
      Ramen.

      Adores: 31
      • 2010 November 12
        Artsy Computer Geek permalink

        Tank — don’t forget the chocolate … never forget the chocolate.

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12
          Lola permalink

          “Why is this chocolate different from all other chocolates?”

          Adores: 5
  3. 2010 November 12
    mudslicker permalink

    chairs have imprint of 10 commandments!!

    Unfortunately, the only scenario I can’t seem to get out of my head is this:

    Moses needs to take a break halfway down the mountain and happens upon some biblical chairs. He lays the tablets down on them to rest himself. This results in said “imprint” of the 10 commandments. The downside is that the writing is left as a mirror image.

    ! REDRUM!

    Adores: 11
    • 2010 November 12

      ‘.eM erofeb sdog rehto on evah llahs uoY’ :ENO

      ‘.htrae eht rednu retaw eht ni si taht ro ,htaeneb htrae eht ni si taht ro ,evoba nevaeh ni si taht gnihtyna fo ssenekil yna–egami devrac a flesruoy rof ekam ton llahs uoY’ :OWT

      ‘.niav ni doG ruoy DROL eht fo eman eht ekat ton llahs uoY’ :EERHT

      ‘.yloh ti peek ot ,yad htabbaS eht rebmemeR’ :RUOF

      ‘.rehtom ruoy dna rehtaf ruoy ronoH’ :EVIF

      ‘.redrum ton llahs uoY’ :XIS

      ‘.yretluda timmoc ton llahs uoY’ :NEVES

      ‘.laets ton llahs uoY’ :THGIE

      ‘.robhgien ruoy tsniaga ssentiw eslaf raeb ton llahs uoY’ :ENIN

      ‘.s’robhgien ruoy si taht gnihtyna ron ,yeknod sih ron ,xo sih ron ,tnavres elamef sih ron ,tnavres elam sih ron ,efiw s’robhgien ruoy tevoc ton llahs uoy ;esuoh s’robhgien ruoy tevoc ton llahs uoY’ :NET

      Adores: 11
      • 2010 November 12
        mudslicker permalink

        Yeah! Just like that!

        8)

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 12
          mudslicker permalink

          You shall have no other dogs before me!

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 November 12

          !rednu

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 12
          mudslicker permalink

          You just made that up, cute little puppy! I distinctly read erofeb.

          *pinching those puppy cheeks*

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 12

          Hey! Let go of his butt!

          Adores: 5
      • 2010 November 12

        Just don’t decide to spend part of your ‘special night together’ on the kitchen chairs. You’ll wind up with an imprint of the 10 Commandments on your backside.

        Adores: 10
        • 2010 November 12

          Oh Baby!! Shalt not me again!!!!!!!

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 November 12
          frigglesnitz permalink

          “Shalt me once,
          ‘n shalt me twice,
          ‘n shalt me once again;
          It’s been a long, long time…”

          “Shalt me, baby, one more time
          Once is never enough
          On a chair with you…”

          annnnnnnnnnd now I’m done.

          Adores: 4
      • 2010 November 12
        Stephanae permalink

        I got about halfway through that, Hammy, but it’s hurting my head. Could you play the record forward now so I can read the non-demonic version?

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12
          Stephanae permalink

          Oh, never mind, where’s my coffee? The non-demonic version is just the regular old 10 commandments.

          Why do I find the phrase yretluda timmoc ton so appealing?

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12

          You like it from beh…nevermind

          *Goes to corner*

          Adores: 16
        • 2010 November 12
          Stephanae permalink

          Oh, that was a naughty doggy!

          Somehow the fact that “not” is “ton” backward gives a completely different feel to the backward demonic commandments.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 12
          SpaceBug permalink

          ::Blink::
          Blinks again at Steph’s avvie

          I see dust bunnies.

          *I hate being late to the party…

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12

          I was looking at Steph’s avvie but my monitor fogged up. Am I missing anything?

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12
          Tankerbell permalink

          Could you play the record forward now so I can read the non-demonic version?

          I’m pretty sure the demonic 10 commandments would have more instructions to do stuff we want to do anyway, and more lighting stuff on fire.

          Adores: 3
      • 2010 November 12

        The only thing my brain assimilated is that “eight” backwards looks like “thingie” and that made me giggle.

        ….Yes, I am 12 today. :-p

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 November 12
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          EB — that seems to be a good age. Lots of giggling, writing all over yourself and friends and giggling about boys that you’ve known since you were 6 months old.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12

          Haha, 12 actually was a pretty fun age for me… I had a group of 6 really good friends, and we did sleepovers every month or so that made us all act like we belonged in an asylum. (Also, I think that’s how old I was when I had a boooooooyfriend :-p) But, man, I loved those pixie sticks… (I wonder if my mom still has any of the video tapes my friends and I made… Too bad for her she missed the opportunity to play them at my wedding :-p)

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 12

          (I think it goes without saying that me being 12 was NOT a good age for my mom :-p)

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 12
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          EB — I learned the first time around. Now I take pictures of everything. Do you want your friends to see pictures of you and Sam, when you 2 taking a bath together, then get that room cleaned up. Works wonderfully. She doesn’t even know if I really have pictures, but if I did. . . ……..

          Oh yeah — I wish sleep overs were only once a month or at someone elses house or not at the same time her brother has one.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 12

          Oh, the haircut I had when I was 12…. I -know- my mom has pictures of that.

          We rotated… I think I (and by that I mean my mom) probably hosted 8-10 big ones a year (accounting for summers) when I was in middle school. Two of the other girls had biggish houses–but one of them had 5 brothers and sisters, so there was one other major host-er :-p

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 12
          christina permalink

          I was 12 in the mid-eighties. My mom loves showing off the picture of my frosted mullet and huge glasses.

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 November 12
          Lola permalink

          Ah, the memories, christina … when I was in high school I had hair and makeup after Joan Cusack in Working Girl. Yeah. (No Staten Island accent, though.)

          Adores: 6
        • 2010 November 12
          christina permalink

          Senoir year I rocked the Audrey Horne from Twin Peaks look. That is the only school pictures I can look back on without cringing.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12
          Lola permalink

          My official, photographer-done senior pictures had notably calmer hair and makeup, though the candids in the yearbook are a monument to Aqua Net.

          Adores: 5
  4. 2010 November 12
    christina permalink

    What they forgot to mention is that the table is imprinted with the full text of the Koran. Talk about some awkward family gatherings.

    Adores: 13
    • 2010 November 12
      Stephanae permalink

      Oh, this set will look nice in my dining room on top of the hardwood pentagram inlay!

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 November 12
        mudslicker permalink

        I’ve got a hardwood Ouija board built into my dining room table! I just can’t figure out where to place the scrabble letters on it.

        Adores: 7
        • 2010 November 12
          CapnMac permalink

          Scrabble on a ouija? Wouldn’t the tiles just arrange themselves into triple-word scores while you weren’t looking?

          Seem like you’d need an OED just to get to a draw (and that by invoking the OED like a Necromicon)

          Adores: 9
      • 2010 November 12
        Artsy Computer Geek permalink

        I’m sure there must be some Hebrew on it somewhere.

        Just think of all the interesting Thanksgiving conversation starters. I’d check weapons at the door.

        Adores: 4
    • 2010 November 12
      Moira permalink

      Inter-faith cooperation for the win!

      Adores: 5
  5. 2010 November 12

    Talk about a sparky of Biblical proportions.

    Adores: 7
  6. 2010 November 12
    Windrose permalink

    (pretend blockquote)nice kitchen table and chairs must sell!! (/pretend blockquote)

    Table, you gotta sell 15 protection plans today, or you and all your chairs will be out on the street. Don’t give me that Thou Shall Not Lie crap. You tell the people their houses are going up in flames if they don’t buy the plan, and you look like you mean it! And that goes for you chairs, too. Five plans each, or you go up in flames.

    Adores: 12
  7. 2010 November 12
    MandaB permalink

    Well, you know what they say: tables are for glasses, not asses and commandments are for butt dents.

    Sitting on the table = rude. Sitting on the Ten Commandments = totally acceptable.

    Adores: 12
    • 2010 November 12
      mudslicker permalink

      I wonder if their couch in the living room is imprinted with the Declaration of Independence. It would be a nice example of the separation of church and state.

      Edit: Copious thanks for getting this function back up and running!

      Adores: 19
      • 2010 November 12
        CapnMac permalink

        Sounds a bad trend, really. You could wallpaper an entire subdivision with just the one copy of the Internal Revenue Code.

        Which would not be a deductible expense under Table 1034(b) of Schedule 8056J(1)(e) is filed, but only if a non-business, commercial operation are defined by Chapter 455.1B(A)(1)(IV) if filing under Table 990/B-2(f), if filled using a registered Gozarian CPA under Schedule 3B, Chap 44598, P135 (f), inclusive (not valid in CA, MA, NJ, or US Protectorates)

        Adores: 8
        • 2010 November 12
          ToBScholarly permalink

          Those Gozarian CPAs – they will getcha every time.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 12
          Tankerbell permalink

          Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a CPA, you say YES!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 12
          Smedley permalink

          It’s Miller time!

          Adores: 2
    • 2010 November 12
      Mindfield permalink

      Something something ten commandments, my ass something.

      Adores: 7
    • 2010 November 12
      christina permalink

      Well, you know what they say: tables are for glasses, not asses

      Manda, my mother used to say the same the thing.

      Adores: 1
  8. 2010 November 12
    mudslicker permalink

    BTW…I like the way Amy thinks!

    She, like Bacontini, has a real eye for the Sparkle!

    Muchas Gracias Amy! Keep them coming!!!!

    Adores: 3
  9. 2010 November 12
    Windrose permalink

    And Smedley has a well-deserved day in the Golden Lotus! 8)

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 November 12

      ***Horrible, wicked bad, naughty Elvis impression***
      Uhh… Thank ya, thank ya very mush…

      Thank you. I am actually going to print out this page and hang it on my fridge.
      Do I have to supply my own blindfold and cigar for the punchity?

      Adores: 6
      • 2010 November 12
        Artsy Computer Geek permalink

        Here you can borrow my blindfold. It’s pink and sparkles. (don’t ask)

        Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12

          Huh. A battery operated blindfold. I bet that set you back a couple of obos.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12
          Smedley permalink

          Umm… When I put it on, it looks like my eyes are
          bugging WAY out.
          Is that normal?

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 13
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Your eyes were like that before you put it on …. trust me

          Adores: 3
  10. 2010 November 12
    Yancy permalink

    I wonder how well the table and chairs with imprints of the disciples’ butts from the last supper would sell. Probably the Vatican has already scooped them up and is keeping them in a special chamber.

    Adores: 4
    • 2010 November 12

      You haven’t heard? That’s the topic of Dan Brown’s next book: The DaButti Code.

      Adores: 11
  11. 2010 November 12
    Camille permalink

    I’m having an image of Moses staggering down from the mountaintop, carrying a stack of kitchen chairs, only to find his people worshipping a Golden La-Z-Boy.

    Adores: 12
    • 2010 November 12
      mudslicker permalink

      BWAHAH!

      The kitchen chairs might have been the draft copy.

      My husband worships at the altar of the Golden La-Z-Boy every weekend.

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 November 12
        Artsy Computer Geek permalink

        My son tried to convince me to bring back his Grandfathers Lazy-boy instead of his sister last weekend. I think that he has potential as a Lazy-boy worshiper (especially if there is a tellitubby with ESPN on in front of it).

        Adores: 6
  12. 2010 November 12
    Tankerbell permalink

    And Lo! Moses said unto them, “These are the rules. God said. And I carried these heavy-ass tablets all the way down yon mountain, so y’all better damn well learn them and follow them. And… uh… carve them into stuff! Yeah, that’s it. Joab, son of Sam, son of Abitch, I want a set of kitchen chairs imprinted with these babies by 0800 tomorrow.”

    Adores: 13
    • 2010 November 12
      Mindfield permalink

      “…and Lo, did God send forth signs as images to remind us to carve these commandments into everything. He sent images of himself and the Virgin Mary in our tree stumps, our grilled cheeses, our grease spots, our water damage, our grill stains, our Golden Retriever butts, our clouds, our Cheetohs, our potato chips, and our handkerchief snot Rorschachs that we may dutifully carve his rules into all and sundry…” – Corinthian Leather 16:9

      Adores: 14
      • 2010 November 12

        *Biblical graffiti*

        “Hey, Jebediah did you see I tagged Cleopatra’s barge last night, it says”

        *Thou shalt not grab my Asp*

        Adores: 12
        • 2010 November 12
          mudslicker permalink

          *Old Testament graffiti*

          For a good time, don’t call Job!

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 November 12
          Stephanae permalink

          Rachel won’t do it, but her sister will!

          Adores: 13
        • 2010 November 12

          אסור לכתוב על הקירות

          Adores: 10
        • 2010 November 12
          mudslicker permalink

          Hey! Lot’s wife! I bet that’s the last time you ask to “pass the salt”

          Adores: 7
        • 2010 November 12
          Smedley permalink

          I sort of get the feeling that Stephanaes’ sister is named Rachel.

          Or something biblical just happened and I look like a doofus.

          Great. Vacation Bible school, all over again.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12
          Stephanae permalink

          Smedley, you made me laugh so hard I snorted coffee all over my keyboard—before the edit! So you don’t look like a doofus. And I don’t recommend Vacation Bible School; they have uncomfortable chairs.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12

          I think it’s the printing on them.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12
          Tankerbell permalink

          Pharisees rule, Sadducees drool.

          Adores: 8
  13. 2010 November 12
    Tankerbell permalink

    Biblical graffiti

    John the Baptist does it in the water.

    Adores: 10
    • 2010 November 12

      That’s more like a biblical bumper sticker.

      “If this camel’s rocking do bother knockin.”

      “A sea is a difficult thing to part”

      “Seven deadly sins…want to try for eight?”

      “I Brake For Jezabels!”

      “Ponchus is my co-pilot”

      “Got goat?”

      “Jesus is here, everyone look busy.”

      Adores: 16
      • 2010 November 12

        “Jesus is here, everyone look alive.”

        *sends self to the corner*

        Adores: 6
        • 2010 November 12

          My favorite joke, and also the reason why I’m going to hell:

          Q: Why can’t Jesus eat brownies?

          .

          .

          A: Because he’s dead.

          Told to me by a priest, of all people.

          Adores: 11
        • 2010 November 12

          I chuckled at my desk. I’m sure I’ll see you there.

          (Though, seriously? I’m fairly certain that God has a wonderful sense of humor.)

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12
          Lola permalink

          If we are supposed to be made in his image, EB, then it would follow that sense of humor is a shared trait, I would think.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12

          I don’t know, Tyco, why Jesus can’t eat Brownies. Is it cause they wiggle too much?

          I forgot, he doesn’t play after the street lights come on.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 12
          christina permalink

          Amen Lola. God’s sense of humor extends further than just the creation of the platypus*.

          * I love my new and improved spell checker!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 12
          Tankerbell permalink

          If we are supposed to be made in his image, EB, then it would follow that sense of humor is a shared trait, I would think.

          I am sure God has a sense of humor, Lola. For example, just take a look at this echinacea anteater thing that Sarajean found.

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 12
          sarajean80 permalink

          Hey, don’t hate on the echidna! I think they’re cute. It’s not their fault they look like the result of a porcupine and an anteater having a drunken weekend in Vegas.

          Adores: 3
    • 2010 November 12
      Lola permalink

      “What happens at Rahab of Jericho’s stays at Rahab of Jericho’s.”

      Adores: 8
      • 2010 November 12

        “Sodom you Sodom me.”

        Adores: 6
        • 2012 May 25
          LurkRealClose permalink

          Sodom together, naturally.

          Adores: 1
  14. 2010 November 12
    Litarider permalink

    Just want to say that I love this, “Honor thy table, so that your meals may be long.”

    Adores: 5
  15. 2010 November 12
    kelli permalink

    Honestly, I really don’t think this ad completely sucks. The poster used too many exclamation points and could use a few grammar lessons, but the ad is comprehensible. I really don’t care about the imprint of the ten commandments on the chairs. It’s a bit unusual, but some people are into religious decorating.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 November 12

      Moderating a bit, Miss Kelli?

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 November 12
        kelli permalink

        Nope.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 12
          Smedley permalink

          Okey dokey.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 12

          I think she’s still mad cuz she gave me a teat yeterday…

          Adores: 4
    • 2010 November 12
      Stephanae permalink

      I think exclamation points are the only punctuation Natalia remembers from school. And despite her abundance of them, she still managed to end up with this incomprehensible string:

      reduced price to 115.00 chairs have imprint of 10 commandments

      If she’d only redistributed one of her exclamation points and put it after “115.00,” then I might have to agree that her ad doesn’t completely suck. But it did give us our glorious new commandments from the llamanun*.

      *bees be upon her

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 November 12
      CapnMac permalink

      **Reprises Bluto trying to cheer up Flounder in Animal House, but fails miserably**

      Adores: 2
    • 2010 November 12
      Mindfield permalink

      I think the funny here is either the idea of “The 10 Commandments of Furniture” or the idea of planting your butt on the foundations of Christianity.

      Of course, it’s probably just me, but I find the idea of someone sitting on one of these commandment chairs, letting one rip, and innocently pleading, “the God did it” quite amusing.

      Adores: 14
  16. 2010 November 12
    Stephanae permalink

    Is it just that I can’t count, or did the llamanun* give us 11 chair commandments? I think my neighbor Natalia’s chairs only have 10 commandments. But I do not covet her chairs, for they are evil and do not love me the way the llamanun’s chairs love me!

    *bees be upon her

    Adores: 7
    • 2010 November 12

      All furniture on Craigslist has at least one more of something then advertised, could be sides could be commandments…

      Adores: 6
    • 2010 November 12
      Mindfield permalink

      These were the 10 Catmathments.

      Adores: 10
      • 2010 November 12

        Or maybe moses dropped one…

        “Behold the 11…*crunch, oops*…10 commandments!*

        *Spell checker changed that to condiments…
        Thou shalt not relish they neighbors wife.

        Adores: 13
        • 2010 November 12

          But what if thy neighbor’s wife hasn’t been relished in a while?

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 12

          Well, if you give her a few condiments she might let you…*Insert comment about meat and buns*

          What? I meant use her BBQ.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12
          Stephanae permalink

          EB, we’re close to being neighbors, and even though I never relish my wife, I don’t want you to relish her, either. That nasty flavor lasts for days.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          Thou shalt not relish thy neighbors wife.

          My new favorite commandment. Hammy, if I could do counted cross-stitch, I’d put it on a pillow for you for the holidays.

          Thanks so much for giving the edit crutch function back.

          Adores: 9
        • 2010 November 12
          Tankerbell permalink

          Gamaliel: Honey, what is that? Are you bleeding?
          Abijah: No, it’s just ketchu – uh, yeah… I think I might be bleeding.

          Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 12
          Smedley permalink

          Sorry, saw “teat and buns.”

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 12
          Moira permalink

          Oh, Artsy, I just may need to do that on a bookmark with little catsup and mustard squeezie bottles and maybe salt and pepper shakers.

          …And a BBQ fork.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12

          Artsy, it’s my new favorite commandment too, and I can do counted cross-stitch. I’ve actually kind of been antsy for a cross-stitch project…hmmm….

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 12

          Oh Silva…How about a little art project?

          A “Thou shalt not relish thy neighbors wife” BBQ apron?

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 12

          The 10 Condiments

          1. Thou shalt not use any other Worcestershire but Lea & Perrins.
          2. Thou shalt not make gravy lumpy.
          3. Thou shalt not take the name of Heinz in vain.
          4. Thou shalt not use fake Wasabi.
          5. Thou shalt not vinegar your fries.
          6. Thou shalt not forget the mustard.
          7. Thou shalt not commit over salting
          8. Thou shalt not A1.
          9. Thou shalt not use miracle whip for mayo.
          10. Thou shalt not relish they neighbors wife.

          Adores: 4
        • 2010 November 12
          christina permalink

          Well I’m already a commandment breaker, seeing as vinegar is my second favorite fry topping. Mayo and hot sauce is my favorite. Don’t judge me.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 13

          I can’t judge you on that, christina… I like “fry sauce,” which is a regional thing… mayo and ketchup mixed. My favorite variation came from a local burger place (that shut down, *tears*) which is barbecue sauce and ranch dressing. Don’t knock it till you try it!

          Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 13
          CapnMac permalink

          Yeah, steak-cut fries with malt vinegar and coarse salt.

          Further, Yes to A1; no to Heinz 47 (except on Tony Roma oninon rings)

          An’ doan di the ‘Whip. First off, the Whip is _the_ way to make egg salad. Oh, and for chicken salad on toast, ‘Whip on one side, and creole mustard on the other–it’s moah betta, Ay gu-ar-an-tee.

          (Oh, and the powdered ‘fake’ wasabi is the easiest way to may wasabi mayo on the fly.)

          Adores: 1
    • 2010 November 12
      Smedley permalink

      It’s a Carpenter’s dozen of commandments.

      Speaking of which…
      What job has the highest percentage of people who have anorexia?

      Carpenters.

      Too soon?

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 November 12
        Stephanae permalink

        Is that a reference to Karen or Jesus? It’s a confusing day to talk about carpenters.

        Adores: 2
        • 2010 November 12
          Smedley permalink

          Both, actually.
          I remember that my wood shop teacher had a few parts of digits missing, and I wanted to reference that in the Carpenter’s dozen, then after it timed out, realized this would mean said carpenter would have twelve fingers.

          Adores: 3
        • 2010 November 12

          Before getting one lopped off, most carpenters only have 11. Unless you count toes.

          Adores: 4
    • 2010 November 12

      [corey] There were actually 14 or 15 imperative statements in the Commandments, and different religions parse them differently into 10. [/corey]

      Adores: 5
      • 2010 November 12

        That way you don’t have to take off your shoes to tic them off ;-)

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 12
          Smedley permalink

          Or pants.

          Adores: 2
      • 2010 November 12
        Stephanae permalink

        I just knew I had to be seeing through the glass, darkly!

        Adores: 2
      • 2012 September 1
        CapnMac permalink

        Well, to be pedantic (which seems to go hand-in-hand with religion) there were a sheaf of Egyptian Commandments, from 28 to 32 depending upon the source quoted. Moses’ ten can be found–to some degree or extent–in those.

        At least if we wish to believe the sources. Filthy heathens and apostates that they are; stuck up, repressed, monothesists, I swear!

        Adores: 0
  17. 2010 November 12
    Stephanae permalink

    ?yretluda timmoc hajibA diD

    Oops. That should have been up there under Tankerbell’s comment. Fat lot of good edit’s doing me.

    Adores: 2
    • 2010 November 12

      Well, you did your breast.

      Er… I mean, you did well at avoiding looking like a boob.

      Er… You nippled it in the bud.

      Uhh…

      Shoulder Knees.

      *Runs*

      Adores: 9
  18. 2010 November 12
    CapnMac permalink

    [Days of (this) Week Update]
    Monday;

    Monday²;

    Monday/2 + n(e) – 1.289E5 joules;

    Monday * f(x)->n(e)^e – 12.875E3 joules + catulator stalk house three times, make disgusted noises, then sit on the recliner with one’s head jammed into the cushion. oh, and -$1157.

    Fri-no, f(x) where had to give up my last $10 cash (& househuld goods) to settle a debt, Ergo Monday – more money – more Joules + indignity and debasement of raiding the shelves for books to sell, at a loss in both price and the wealth which is a book ***dark clouds follow atround with no rain, but too much thunder and lightning***

    Adores: 3
    • 2010 November 12
      Stephanae permalink

      You know, it doesn’t quite feel right to give that a door, Cappy. I need a Sympathize tag.

      Adores: 3
      • 2010 November 12
        Moira permalink

        Yeah – it’s like the FB “Like” tag which really should be either “I’m with you on that” or “This is relevant to my interests” except that is too long.

        Hugs & symps to the Cap’n

        Adores: 5
        • 2010 November 12

          I always wanted a, “Politely agree because I don’t want to stir up trouble even though inside I just died a little more.”

          When do we get that button?

          +1 Sympathy and Wellwishes.

          Adores: 5
      • 2010 November 12

        FB needs a LOT more buttons.

        I, too, feel wrong giving this a door. +1 sympathy.

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 12
          Lola permalink

          Wish I could line up some book-buyers for you, but don’t know anyone local.

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 12
          Smedley permalink

          I can throw in a first edition “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn”.
          And a 1950 “The House at Pooh Corner”.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 November 13
        CapnMac permalink

        Well, mostly dug into my OOP old textbooks. Culled out a bunch of old reference tomes, too. Still tough to part with books, especially when in good condition (1980 Business Law, 3rd Ed. (Special Conditions) rather tough, as it is still largely valid, and it was a memento of the last class taught by one of our more famous professors.)

        Equally wretched to take 35# of books to HPB and get $8. Almost as pleasant as seeing that gasoline had gone from 2.599 to 2.699 (but, I beat the 2.749 it will go to on monday or tuesday).

        I’m not quite prepared to dig into my specialized texts; and some things, like my set of Churchill’s Histories just too valuable for the writing style within.

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 November 12
      Tankerbell permalink

      Yeah, what they said, Cap’n.

      +1 sympathy
      +1 hug
      +1 “buck up, camper – it’s gotta get better soon.”
      +1 shot of Jagermeister (umlaut optional)

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 November 13
        CapnMac permalink

        A Double of all that, but the Jäger–I’ve far too much distilled spirit in the house, and it’s scary to get in and self-medicate.
        (That, and an unopened bottle would make better barter,)

        Adores: 0
    • 2010 November 12
      Windrose permalink

      Sounds like it’s time for a YSaC bake sale. Everyone bake something, sell it on Craigslist, and put it in Cap’n's PayPal account. We should be able to raise $30 easy. (wish it were that easy) ((HUGS))

      Adores: 2
      • 2010 November 12
        Smedley permalink

        Can you get money out of a Paypal account?

        Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 13

          I’m not sure, but you can buy stuff on Etsy with PayPal! (I’m still peeved that I can’t buy things on Amazon with PayPal…)

          Adores: 1
        • 2010 November 13
          CapnMac permalink

          Yes you can. PayPal will ding you (the parties transacting) somewhere between 4-6% on the transaction, but, will deposit straight to your verified bank account (or to your PP debt card, if you have one).

          Been with PayPal since before eBay bought them.

          Seems fair to note that our benevolent hosts, bees be upon them, can accept PayPal donations as well.

          Adores: 0
    • 2010 November 13
      CapnMac permalink

      Do feel compelled to state, aver, and avow my gratitude and appreciation for all of your kind wishes.

      Has not been a lot of sunshine of late, which makes it all to easy to fall into a habit of pessimism about darkness.

      So, it is good to be prodded into looking around and noticing that, while overcast, the light is there, giving that perfect backlit light photographers prize so much for seeing so seldom.

      Adores: 1
  19. 2010 November 12
    christina permalink

    OT fun: My coworker has started printing insane Craigslist ads and sticking them on my wall. One was for free bees. I suspect we have a lurker.

    Adores: 7
  20. 2010 November 12
    christina permalink

    I gave a door to make up for all the doors I could not give before.
    Have you considered coming back to the metroplex? Our job market may be one of the last remaining decent ones state wide.

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 November 12
      christina permalink

      Oh heck, that was supposed to be under Capn’s comment a ways up.

      Adores: 1
      • 2010 November 13
        CapnMac permalink

        Is ok, appreciated in whichever location.

        DFW has taken a hit in the AEC trade lately–bunch of people up there asking me a bout work down here, and out west towards Austin and SA.

        Dallas still leads the nation in unused Class-A office lease space. It’s not as bad as a decade ago, coming off 1.1 million excess square feet–but not must better, either.

        I’m living in the lowest unemployed rate county in the state (out of 254). Been pulsing the job markets in metro-houston, DFW, metro Austin-SA since last December. Had a nibble in Irving, and another in Plano in Q1 this year–but good that I did not take them, neither company is still open.

        i need to stop reading about Timmy Gaithner’s and Benny Bernanke’s antics–they are not good for sound sleep or positive rosy outlooks.

        Adores: 0
        • 2010 November 13
          Artsy Computer Geek permalink

          CapnMac – I feel your pain. I’m in the same situation — overqualified for everything.

          Adores: 1
  21. 2010 November 13
    Windrose permalink

    Okay, Smedley, put out the ciggy and brace yourself. Punchity Punch Punch! Oh, sorry about that. I knocked the e right out of there.

    G’night, Jericho!

    Adores: 1
    • 2010 November 13
      Smedley permalink

      Ow! My spl n! Now I hav to buy on from Tank. Sh is cutthroat with h r pric s.

      Hey! you knock d all my aft r D’s out!

      Adores: 3
  22. 2010 November 13

    Late to the party I know, but inspiration only struck me as I was opening the bedroom curtains this fine sunny Saturday morning. Betting that these chairs don’t have the 10 Commandments on them at all – but they do have upholstery with Latin text of some sort. Sparky doesn’t read Latin, but someone told her it was a dead language, so she thinks as it’s a dead language it must be the Bible, and as it’s the Bible it must be the 10 Commandments.

    It’s probably from Sallust’s History of the Jugurthine War – that’s what’s on my bedroom curtains. (This is actually true. And yes, at the moment I realised it was from the Jugurthine War I did feel slightly ashamed of myself for not getting out more).

    Adores: 7
  23. 2010 November 15
    AmyG permalink

    Thanks for the tag!!!

    Is it pathetic that this achievement is more meaningful than things like, say, my actual paying job?

    Adores: 3
  24. 2010 November 16

    ..I always knew Lovely Listing’s infamous “Chair” would eventually have a cult following.

    Adores: 3
  25. 2012 September 1

    1. Buy table and chairs.
    2. Place in dining room.
    3. Invite Clint Eastwood over.
    4. Watch him argue with the Ten Commandments.
    5. ?????
    6. PROFIT!

    Adores: 5
    • 2012 September 1

      Let my furniture go!

      Adores: 2
    • 2012 September 1
      Lizzi permalink

      His kids, if he has any, need to be keeping an eye on him. He is clearly senile now.

      Adores: 0
  26. 2012 September 1
    DigitalAxis permalink

    Chair must not injure a human being, or, through inaction, cause harm to befall a human.

    Adores: 4
  27. 2012 September 1
    Brer Fox permalink

    “reduced price to 115.00 chairs”

    I only have 3.75 chairs until payday. But then there’s getting food for the table. Not to mention that stupid committee I have to chair. How am I ever going to save up so many chairs? I guess I’ll just have to get the one with the 10 commitments. It’s only 1 chair.

    1. Thou shalt commit grammar good.
    2. Thow shallot comit profer speeling. Spellchequer iz yor frend.
    3. Thou shalt commit to using only one exclamation point per sentence!!!
    4. Thou shalt commit all of your doors to me.
    5. Thou shalt not use strange text when appropriate.
    6. Thou sHALT Commit pROPER Use oF Caplocks
    7. Thou shalt commit to proof reading tofind errors in your text.
    8. Thou shalt learn how to count.

    Adores: 2
  28. 2012 September 1
    funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

    [religious Corey (or is it Matt? I forget)]

    Blasphemers!!! Y’all are going to Hell! Making fun of the Ten Commandments! Shame, SHAME!

    On a happier note: This is first day off in about 20 days straight. Happy Labor Day, everyone! :)

    Adores: 1
    • 2012 September 1
      funky "looking innuendo" monkey permalink

      PS:

      1) Why can’t I edit on my ‘puter at home?

      2) Happy Labor Day Weekend, Happy Labor Day on Monday!

      3) For our YSaCers across the pond, Happy Labour Day! (yeah, yeah, I know, means squat to y’all).

      Adores: 2
      • 2012 September 1

        Some mothers would disagree.

        Adores: 1
      • 2012 September 1

        We had our free day off last Monday (August Bank Holiday, doncherknow) but thanks for the sentiment. Enjoy Labor Day :-)

        Adores: 0
    • 2012 September 1
      One Moving Violation permalink

      Labor Day is the day my mother went into labor with me. I was born on the first Monday of September. My birthday present every year was the whole family went to the Labor Day rodeo. Yay!

      That’s why I thought it was called Labor Day. Back then I thought I was the center of the universe.

      Adores: 2
  29. 2012 September 1
    Supreme Ruler permalink

    I can’t believe that no one has mentioned the unclosed parentheses.

    Adores: 0
  30. 2012 September 1
    LimeLolly permalink

    All my chairs have peanut butter and jelly imprinted on them, and stale chicken nuggets. Imagine 115.oo chairs with the 10 commandments….is that a smudge or does that word say killpbje? I’d go blind trying to read all those chairs.

    Adores: 1
  31. 2012 September 1
    Demon Duck of Doom permalink

    This type of imprinting is what happens when chair eggs are removed from the nest, hatched in captivity and raised by scripture. One of the chairlings was starting to become attached to Onan when he came into the pen to scatter his seed on the ground. Fortunately that was nipped in the bud.

    Adores: 2
  32. 2012 September 1
    CapnMac permalink

    Y’know, carving individual Commandments into the chair backs could be interesting.
    If only to see which chairs might be sat in least.
    Though, it might be a bit of an onus to be the eleventh diner, sitting in that chair from the sweing room and all.

    So, perhaps engraving them in Latin, or Greek, or Hebrew–which could still be fun seeing people select/deselect certain chairs.

    Adores: 1
  33. 2012 September 1

    And I marvel at the sheer number of people that have since gone dormant. So much snark stilled. OK, too much melancholy. Time to blow stuff up on Xbox.

    Adores: 1
  34. 2012 September 2

    Taco, thou shall not withhold thy snark from YSaC,

    Thou shall not covet they neighbor’s dining room set.

    Thou shall not feed thy toddler after midnight.

    Thou shall present thy card. Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Mr. Eastwood!

    Adores: 0

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