You Suck at Craigslist

Category: furniture

  • YSaC, Vol. 1795: This monkey’s gone to heaven.

    One of the recurring themes on this site has been people who, when faced with a piece of furniture they’d like to part with, apparently just bash their hands on the computer keyboard in hopes that their frenzied actions will somehow miraculously spell the name of the thing they are trying to sell. I mean, it worked for Shakespeare’s monkeys, right?

    amoria!

    Very nice in good cond asking best offer

    I’ve been writing this site for long enough that when I got this submission (in 2010), I was actually relieved that there wasn’t someone using the toilet in this picture, and kind of mentally glossed over the spectacular attempt to spell armoire.

    vintage sofa chimpindale style

    this is a good looking soft i want to find a home.

    There weren’t any pictures with this one, so I’m taking bets at even odds that this ad was written by a person who is either trying to rehome a monkey or is in fact a monkey. But probably not one of Shakespeare’s monkeys.

    And just for good measure, sometimes folks get the spelling right, but get so much else so very, very wrong:

    wood stationary rocker

    wood rocker — back 39″ h x 25″ w x seat 15″ h front with cushions — great condition ——- $ 15.00

    A stationary rocker. You know, for those folks who can’t handle standard rockers because of nausea and vomiting because of that whole “moving” thing. Also known as a chair.

  • YSaC, Vol. 1769: Federal Burrow of Investigation

    Free burrow pick up only

    Free burrow all wood it’s in good condition nothing is broken as far as drawers or anything just needs cosmetic work just sanding, painted and new drawer handles. First person to respond gets it only serious people please respond.

    Hello. I am a very serious person. I would like to pick up your all wood burrow. However, I am confused. A “burrow” is a hole, is it not? It is difficult to pick up an absence of thing. For that matter, how do you know the hole is an absence of wood? It could be an absence of molybdenum, or cheddar cheese. This is important to me, because I am a serious person.

    Of course, you could have just misspelled “burro.” Are you selling a donkey? Because I don’t think I want to try sanding a donkey. That would be insufficiently serious.

    Thank you for this serious post, Christine!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1765: Light the grail-shaped beacon!

    Just to be different, we’re going to lead with the picture today, and then follow it with the ad:

    That’s a blurry picture, but it’s not a terrible seeming bench. I wonder why it’s in the corner?

    Naughty Pine Bench – $25

    This bench is Naughty Pine. It is sturdy. Asking 25.00.

    Oh. It’s naughty. Naughty, naughty bench. Stay in the corner!

    (Thanks for the naughty bench, Jeff!)

  • YSaC, Vol. 1726: I’m pink, therefore I’m Spam.

    Good evening, and welcome to “Ask Mister Philosophy Person.” Today’s question on “Ask Mister Philosophy Person” is “What is the nature of the self?”

    The nature of the self has been debated for as long as there have been philosophical debates, which has to have been since at least, what, last Tuesday? Something like that. Descartes famously said “Cogito, Ergo Sum” which literally translated means, “How much for this box of toaster waffles?” Later, David Hume opined that the self is merely a bundle of perceptions linked by causality and similarity. Also duct tape. More recently, William James divided the self into four parts: the material self, the social self, the spiritual self, and pure ego. Not sure why these waffles keep cropping up. Contemporary philosophers of the self generally fall into two camps, the reductive and the non-reductive, but keep fighting over whose turn it is to use the trailer hookup, since the two camps share facilities.

    In short, the self is an illusive topic, about which we may never have definitive…

    SELF – $5



    Little dirty i can clean it.Email if interested.

    Oh. Well, there you go then.

    Thanks for the post, Elizabeth!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1718: Love seat, baby, love seat!

    5 foot maroon love seat willing to listen to offers – $125 (Lincoln)

    There’s some text with this one, but it’s not important. This is a 5 foot maroon love seat willing to listen to offers, folks — do you realize how rarely 5 foot maroon love seats are willing to entertain offers? Usually they just hang out and insist that you go see the movie THEY want to see, just like last weekend when they asked what you wanted to do and you said that you really wanted to go see “The Fault in Our Stars” and the 5 foot maroon love seat didn’t respond at all and then about five minutes later said, “Let’s go see the X-Men movie.” Or the time you tried to get it to realize that its flirting really upset you, and it promised it would take your feelings into account, only for you to find it at the bar hanging out with that ottoman from down the street. Or the time you tried to get the 5 foot maroon love seat to stop invading the Ukraine, and it said it was totally listening to you and it wasn’t building up its military forces on the border, but it actually was anyway and then went ahead and invaded even though you asked it very nicely not to.

    So this 5 foot maroon love seat is different, see?

    Thanks, Amy!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1645: Something’s fishy.

    Porcelain Fish Tank

    Porcelain Fish Tank – bird motif w/base with gold fishes painted inside

    Tank: 11-1/2″H x 14″OD x 11-1/4″ID
    Base: 10-1/2″ OD x 2-1/2″H

    EXCELLENT HOUSE WARMING GIFT

    Fish tank. A porcelain fish tank. Let’s assume that it was the presence of decorative fish that led them to the conclusion that this was a fish tank. Why, then, would you not decide that it was a bird cage? After all, there are birds painted on the outside, so clearly it’s got something to do with bird containment. Although if the birds are on the outside, and the fish are on the inside … oh, I see.

    I mean, sure … you could keep a fish in there, I suppose, if you have a serious vendetta against the fish. The poor thing is just going to think that the goldfish painted on the inside are constantly chasing it.

    True story: years ago, Dan and I were in a large superstore and walked by the wall of fish tanks (um, real ones) to get to the grocery area. We passed a small group of sorority girls (I’m not stereotyping — they were wearing letters), one of whom loudly proclaimed (in the classic sorority girl/Valley Girl/Cordelia voice), “Oh my god, you guys, fish are soo creepy!”, to which the other girls immediately and emphatically agreed.

    So there you have it. This would be the perfect housewarming gift if you (a) don’t like fish and/or (b) don’t like the person you’re giving it to.