You Suck at Craigslist

Tag: punctuationally challenged

  • YSaC, Vol. 1798: It’s not how crazy you are, it’s how crazy you feel.

    Over the years, we’ve done our best to take care of our single readers. Specifically, we’ve tried to make sure they thank their lucky stars every day for that status. To that end:

    Single and looking for cuddle boddy – 37

    age : 37
    I am 36. Single and looking for a cuddle boddy or a friend to hang out get to know as friends have a good time. My name is #### you text me
    show contact info
    Okay In [location] any city s close by only. I am a good person trustful nice carving maybe something more in future see what can happen .

    This person’s interest in carvings would be terrifying, in the sense that maybe he’d do some carving on YOU after the ritual killing. Fortunately, he’s gotten a year younger just over the course of posting this ad, so the Benjamin Button syndrome’s probably eliminated the danger by now.

    Thanks for the post, SC!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1796: Deck Us All With Boston Charlie

    scaffaling – $450




    3. Sets. With. Planks. ..2. Sets. AR.e. 5. By. 5. Tall … 1. Set. Is. 49. By. 6. Tall….3. 10. Ft. Planks. Aluminum. 4. Wheels. Coupllers. . Has. Cross. Pieces. …Calls. Please. ###–####

    It’s the holiday season! And I HATE holiday music! But I still can’t help hearing this one to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” (start at seven for best effect)

    “3 Sets with planks,
    2 Sets a-are,
    FIVE BY FIVE TALL!
    O-one set is four
    Nine by six
    Taaaaal.
    And the couplers has cross pieces.”

    In the holiday spirit yet?

    (Thanks for the post, Peter!)

  • YSaC, Vol. 1793: Yo. I can do that.

    Do you like to do work? Preferably something which requires years of training, and expensive equipment that you have to provide yourself? Are you nonetheless morally opposed to monetary compensation for such work? Mike, one of our regular readers, lives in a city where you’ll have PLENTY of opportunities!

    REBRANDING! looking for VIDEO/PHOTOGRAPHER

    compensation: no pay

    GREETINGS!

    Male Socialite looking to rebrand myself and webpage in the upcoming new year! I am looking to grow into a self proclaimed “Creatif”! I have plenty of concepts, and I am open to yours also! I am looking to create images from outlandish to fashionable. I am a graphic designer so raw or edited images are fine! Looking to shoot sooner then later, but open to scheduling things further into the year! Dont hesitate to hit me up! Looking forward to hearing from you!

    Because helping you realize your dreams of becoming a modern day Oscar Wilde is definitely going to pay off down the road.

    Photographer for Exotic Fitness Model

    I’m beautiful and fit and I’m looking for a team of photographers that can capture my beautiful fit physique. I’m also building my brand so I’m interested in photographers that have great contacts in the health and fitness industry. I expect a full portfolio, I will provide my own wardrobe and makeup artist. You must have a professional portfolio of work before I will consider working with you.

    Serious inquiries only. Forward your info including contact info.

    No Pay. I provide you with a stunning model and you provide photos.

    How about I just provide you with “no?” However, I know someone who MIGHT want to photograph you, just not in the way you intended:

    A very particular kind of photography

    I am an extremely experienced photographer looking for help for a new body of work I am putting together. I am looking for people to model for me for pictures that could show your face your eyes, your mouth, or any part of your body being touched. Yes, I would want to touch you–perhaps very intimately–while I am photographing you. No, I would not try to have sex with you. If you are interested, please shoot me a note. I am very serious about this. You get copies of everything, and if there is any kind of picture you need, I will shoot it for you.

    If you really insist that there be at least a possibility of compensation, there’s always THIS guy:

    Wanted: Online dating Digital Voice

    compensation: Compensation based either on a flat weekly fee or incentive program

    Getting a lot of matches on Tinder and Hinge, but schedule does not permit to holla at bitches all day long.

    Need someone to craft endearing and provocative messages through my online dating networks with the end goal of securing real world dates. In other words, I am looking to hire someone to be my online dating digital voice. No help needed once date is secured as my real-life pimp game is on point.

    About me:
    – Well-above average looking guy
    – Normal Cat
    – Sailor, cyclist, traveler, great sense of humor, outdoorsy, lover of life, and dog-lover

    Ideal Candidate:
    – Lipstick lesbian who understands women, but who enjoys the company of men
    – Non-judgmental and believes in efficiency
    – Great sense of humor and dog-lover

    Will compensate based either on a flat weekly fee or a more lucrative incentive system based on number of dates acquired per week.

    But for real certainty that you’ll be making money, I think it’s hard to beat this position:

    Precision Artist

    DETAILED ARTIST

    Needed a professional artist who is skilled in the art of fine detail. I am an ex-printer that specializes in making satirical knock-offs of various currency. This project is STRICTLY FOR FUN however. The artist should be skilled in rendering precision quality portraits of various popular deceased presidents. The artist needs to be thoroughly acquainted with color shifting inks and their application on various types of cloth paper stock and aware of the latest print technology including numerical type-setting. It would be of great benefit if they were familiar with new 3d technology such as making detailed holograms or at least willing to learn. This part is absolutely critical they must be willing to listen, pay attention, extremely eager to do a great job{PERFECTIONIST} and is willing to follow specific directions. Looking for that special person who is extremely motivated by company benefits {SPECIAL PERKS} and KNOWS exactly what he is doing. On a personal note no we don’t run background checks or use e-verify so we won’t know if you’ve ever been to a FEDERAL PENITENTIARY.

    Thanks for all the material, Mike!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1791: Was the immortal guy also Shakespeare? Because then we’d really have something.

    Reply,Reply,Me,Me,Me,Me Brilliant – m4w

    I love Shakespeare’s Sonnet 62, and in it’s irony, the poet’s partner has become part of the poet’s self and hence by praising himself he is in fact praising his beloved who is the source of beauty in the poet’s life.

    The person whom sent me this response. It is a honor to run into someone ,whom is even aware with Shakespeare!I am very impressed that you are out there,hoping that you have secured a viable minds to share your views,and opinions,certainty there must be a man who appreciates cultivation in a woman. I like the Dark Knight have elected to not seek out brilliance,knowledge,or wisdom;inside of s society primarily inspired by social cues. Only a few walk amongst us worthy enough to know the meditations of Marcus A.Not many even have a interested in poetry these days,rarely is one heard in public reciting it openly with passion. Nevermore,Nevermore, my poetic mystery lady,you definitely have revealed that “I am not Alone”/ May i suggest a movie which you might find extremely interesting, produced for philosophical minds like yourself. On a cold night in a remote cabin, Professor John Oldman (David Lee Smith of CSI: MIAMI) gathers his most trusted colleagues for an extraordinary announcement: He is an immortal who has migrated through 140 centuries of evolution and must now move on. he name of the movie is the”The Man from Earth”.

    I think these two lovebirds are made for each other. I mean, the poetic mystery lady who sent the response about Shakespeare’s Sonnet 62 clearly loves poetry enough to plagiarize an interpretation from a bizarre and questionable internet source, and our Dark Knight (minus brilliance, knowledge, or wisdom) has plagiarized the description of the movie he is so intent on having our heroine watch.

    So let’s see: woman responds saying she’s very fond of a sonnet that is apparently a justification for narcissism, and man responds favorably with a reference to a movie about an immortal man who reveals that he himself was Jesus. (Oh, sorry, spoiler alert.)

    Yup, I think these two crazy kids just might make it.

    Thanks, Beth P.!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1790: Betsy Ross Decides to Kick Some Ass

    If ever there was a time for the “this can only end badly” tag, it’s here:

    Vintage Sew Machine

    Please see the required phone call info posted below–NO TEXT–NO EMAIL:
    For sale here is a Most Excellent Vintage sewing machine from Sears Roebuck & Co…This Kenmore machine was built when they still built GOOD sew machines ,is VERY heavy duty cast iron in a nice well built, solid wood , dove tail [Cherry I think], cabinet with knee control..looks to be very little used and comes with the original operator manual also in as-new condition ,and drawers full of attachments for this machine–A give away @ $150, and I might take some ammunition reloading equipment as trade.. Loosing my eyesight & threading needles is a real project..

    Right. You’re going blind, so you’re not interested in sewing. So what hobby are you turning to instead? SHOOTING?!?

    If you need me, I’ll just be hiding over here in Newfoundland.

    Thanks for the post, Gina!

  • YSaC, Vol. 1787: Much invested! So Truck! Wow!

    @@!!!! 99. LIFTED. TAHOE. MUCH INVESTED. NEEDS. REAR END WORK $3450 – $3450

    SELLING. A TAHOE. THATS. HAS. A CUSTOM LIFT. WITH. SUPER NICE. RIMS. & TIRES. ALSO. HAS. SPRINGS. SHOCKS. UP GRADED. STEREO. POWER AMP. CD. CHAGER. CUSTOM. PUSH. BAR. KC. POWER. LIGHTS. SOME. EXTRAS. PLEASE. READ. I. HAVE. INVESTED. 8 K IN. IN. NEEDS. A. REBUILD. REAR. END. BAD. GEARS. IN IT NOW. HAS. LO MILES. 350/V8. VORTEC. ENG. LOOK AT PIC. SELLING. $3450. IN. RENO. PLEASE. NO. TRADES. NO. TEX. I WILL NOT. RESPOND. TO. TEX. HAVE. NO. ROOM. TO. STOR. THIS. TAHOE. GOT. A. SMALLER. TRUCK. JUST. CALLS. THANKS. IN. [LOCATION].





    “Howdy, Tex – how’s your truck search going?”
    “Well pardner – not so good. I found a truck I like, but the owner won’t respond to me.”
    “Who’s the owner?”
    “I think it’s William Shatner.”
    “Jerk.”

    Thanks for the post, Mike!