YSaC, Vol. 241: Nobody wants Ponce de Leon.

2009 March 16
by drmk

WANT TO BUY DEAD EXPLORERS


WANT TO BUY DEAD EXPLORERS CALL DEBBIE OR GARY AT xxx-xxx-xxxx

Alyssa sends this in, saying, “This is missing some valuable information, such as the answers to: Is Magellan worth more or less than Columbus? Will you pay more for a completed set (like Lewis and Clark, as opposed to just boring old Clark)?”

I wonder if they’ll consider a trade. I’ve got Vasco de Gama lying around, and I’d really like a mint condition Sir Francis Drake.

65 Responses leave one →
  1. 2009 March 16
    Jackie permalink

    I think this also warrants a wtf? tag.

    I really want to know the back story on this one.

    Adores: 2
    • 2009 March 16
      Daniel permalink

      Agreed. This one is begging for a wtf? tag.

      Adores: 0
  2. 2009 March 16
    PrincessLuceval permalink

    And on the subject of a trade, my Neil Armstrong, while not dead, would make a fine addition to any collection! I would only take a Columbus for it, though.

    Adores: 2
  3. 2009 March 16
    Courtney permalink

    They’re looking for out of commission Ford Explorers. You know, the cars that had the Bridgestone/Firestone tires that used to separate from the rim at 55 MPH and kill people. That’s what they’re actually looking for.

    Personally I’d like the explorer for whom this continent was named – because Amerigo Vespucci is just fun to say!

    Adores: 4
    • 2009 March 17
      Mrphysic permalink

      Just for the sake of being technically correct – America was named after Richard Ameryk, not Amerigo Vespucci (although it is much more fun to say)the Vespucci thing is just a popular misconception originated by a cartographer.

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 March 17
        drmk permalink

        Just a conspiracy of cartographers, then?

        Adores: 11
        • 2009 September 6
          skluz permalink

          RnGrD reference WIN!!1!11!one!!eleventyone1!1

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 24
          Lara permalink

          OMG DRMK<3 It may be months after you made this statement but you have made my day! I say this at the most inappropriate moments and no one knows what I am talking about.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 24
          Windrose permalink

          Agreed, Lara. And just for the record, I have often not been on boats.

          Adores: 1
      • 2010 January 21
        JMeister permalink

        So if what you’re saying is true, people were fooled into thinking America was named after this Gazpacho guy by some dude that takes pictures of CARS for a living?

        Wow, you Yanks really ARE gullible!

        Adores: 3
    • 2011 April 24

      Look – it’s a pre-corey corey!

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 April 24
        Lara permalink

        ooooo, it’s like an artifact

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 24

          The Rosetta Corey.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 April 24
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          Do we have to go back and name them Courtneys now? Or are we going to go all Abner Doubleday and just pretend this never happened…

          Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 24
          Windrose permalink

          This sounds like a case for the YSaC Supreme Court! *dons wig and heels and sparkly dress* I’ll bang me little gavel.

          Adores: 2
        • 2012 July 18
          Bombdude permalink

          Do we have to go back and name them Courtneys now?

          No, you need a new spec Rx, there IF… We have to go back and rename them all MrPhysics.

          Adores: 0
  4. 2009 March 16
    Sam permalink

    I like the idea of another ad being posted following this explaining what the explorers would be used for..

    A DEAD EXPLORER CABARET!!

    I’d buy tickets…

    Adores: 5
    • 2009 March 16
      gas station bathroom permalink

      IAWTC.

      Adores: 0
    • 2009 March 16
      drmk permalink

      I’m not sure I want to see Dead Marco Polo in tights and a feather boa.

      Adores: 4
  5. 2009 March 16

    Come on, Drake is worth a de Gama and at least a de Soto.

    Oooh, I wonder if they trade like commodities in Chicago? Can we composite an index to follow their relative worth on the market?

    Adores: 0
    • 2009 March 16
      Dan permalink

      And what about explorer futures? Do we think Cortez is likely to increase in value based on current trends?

      Adores: 0
      • 2009 March 17

        Cortez has increased lately, even in this bear market. However, Hudson has plummeted since the news reported his lavish Canadian lifestyle and multi-million dollar bonuses to his first mate.

        In other financial news, Lewis and Clark have announced that Pike will acquire their exploration where they left off.

        Adores: 8
  6. 2009 March 16

    This is great! We found a mint-condition Henry Hudson in my grandma’s attic after she died. I’ve been wondering what to do with him.

    Adores: 5
  7. 2009 March 16

    What if I’ve got a live Explorer on my hands? He’s BARELY alive, and probably couldn’t even be classified as ‘kicking.’ I suppose I could take matters into my own hands, but I’m kind of squeamish and nightmare-prone.
    Gary and Debbie: How firm are you on the dead thing?
    Vanessa
    http://www.wideawakeinwonderland.com

    Adores: 4
  8. 2009 March 16

    Does the Smithsonian know about this? Debbie & Gary wouldn’t happen to be curators would they?

    Adores: 0
  9. 2009 March 18
    Catu permalink

    Does anybody else think that this advert would make a brilliant Monty Python skit? I can just imagine Michael Palin asking John Cleese if he’d rather have one that’s been dead for centuries or a freshly dead explorer.

    Adores: 14
  10. 2009 August 20
    tigprincess permalink

    What about incomplete but still alive explorers? Sir Ranulph Fiennes is still alive but he did cut off some necrotic frostbitten fingertips with an electric drill…. would he be allowed? or do you have to be really dead? How about Captain Cook ?

    Adores: 0
    • 2011 April 24
      Lara permalink

      There is also John Wesley Powell, the one armed guy who explored the Grand Canyon for the first time. He lost his arm before exploring though, does that bring the price down?

      Adores: 1
  11. 2009 September 17
    cedar permalink

    Anyone ever find it curious that the car that followed the killer Ford “Exploder” was called the “Escape?”

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 April 24
      CapnMac permalink

      [belated ford suv corey]
      Actually, Expedition was the after Explorer; then the Joint-Venture with Mazda created the Tribute/Escape (which is why Mercury had Aviators which were Explorers, then Aviators became Escapes).

      In parallel, they re-invented the Excursion, on the F-350 drive-train and chassis.

      Nifty triva: The original Excursion is what caused GM to create the Suburban; the re-invented Excursion was meant to be the Suburban-beater. Except the timing was off and gas went up as the economy went down, and ever’body but ever’body was hatin’ on SUV.

      Now, Escape is going to be shut down by FoMoCo to concentrate on the Edge “crossover” instead. Mazda is still scheduled to produce Tributes, which actually have a few more engine-drivetrain options than Escape.
      [/corey]

      Adores: 0
      • 2011 April 24
        LimeLolly permalink

        Is a Trailblazer like an Explorer? ‘Cause mine is just tired and worn down from wielding it’s machete. These concrete jungles are tough, man.

        Adores: 0
        • 2011 April 24
          CapnMac permalink

          [suv corey]
          “Trailblazer” was coined by GM as they did not like the way the “S-1o Blazer” was being referred to as “junior’ “pint-size” and the like.

          This, especially since they needed to sell a lot more of the smaller-sized vehicles to meet CAFE as well.

          Which is why the H2 is on a Tahoe chassis, and the H3 is “on” a Vibe chassis (it’s monocoque, really).

          Which actually has created a vehicle which causes me to point and laugh. out loud, on sight–the “pick-up” version H3. Again, built like a Vibe, so Front-wheel-drive. Rear bumper higher than wheel centerline, so no bumper hitch possible. No good frame hitch possible (even if available). On a vehicle not really suited for towing anyway. But, it’s the “bed” that is barely big enough for a footlocker, and yet, too deep to put a cooller in, unless you’re going to open the gate every time. So, it’s the “pick up truck” for those who really do not need one, and have $25-30K to waste on “pretend” . . .
          [/corey]

          Adores: 0
  12. 2009 September 28
    Sara permalink

    I’m related to Sir Francis Drake and I don’t think you should have him. If anything, I should have his… really old corpse.

    Adores: 1
  13. 2009 September 29
    MamaC permalink

    Dead Explorers only, eh? Hmmm…
    (*picks up blunt object*) “Oh, Dora? Dora!”

    Adores: 23
    • 2011 January 26
      Caro permalink

      Now I’ll have “I’m the map” stuck in my head all day

      Adores: 4
  14. 2011 April 24
    Jen permalink

    If I can just [matt] it up a little, clearly what has happened here is Spark-bie and Spark-ry have attempted to connect with ‘the yoof’ by creating an ad in ‘young-speak’. Knowing from the rap music they hear in Walmart that money is referred to as ‘dead presidents’*, they have deduced that “young people these days” prefer their objects to be imbued with a whiff of dead, bygone days.

    Therefore, if dead presidents = money, because money has pictures and words relatong to deceased rulers of the nation adorning it, so too must dead explorers = maps and dead smart guys = Spark-bie’s online degree from the University of Canadia.

    *Disclaimer – I have never been to a Walmart, nor do I listen to rap music, though I understand both can induce a desire to laugh uncontrollably while fearing for the future.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 April 24

      You can simulate the rap music experience by inserting a running power drill into your ear canal.

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 April 24
        Lara permalink

        No, that’s heavy metal

        Adores: 3
        • 2011 April 24

          :checks chart:

          You’re right! Rap music is rubbing your head with honey and inserting it into a fire ant hill.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 April 24
          CapnMac permalink

          It’s only heavy metal if you use a hammer-drill.

          Adores: 1
  15. 2011 April 24

    Ooh! This would be the perfect dumb sucker enterprising Sparky to unload my slightly freezer-burned George Mallory on!

    I’ll be able to put Klondike bars in the basement freezer again!

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 April 24

      What atrocities did you commit for those Klondike bars, ghostie?

      Adores: 0
      • 2011 April 25

        I can’t really talk about it until after the tribunal meets.

        Something about trade sanctions and an embargo, I wasn’t listening too closely.

        Adores: 0
  16. 2011 April 24

    Bit of a shame, really. I’ve already got a pretty good collection of dead gangsters, dead pharoahs, and dead poets (I belong to a society for the latter) but I’ve been so busy with those that I haven’t had time to start my dead explorers collection. It seemed like a bit of a niche market so I wasn’t expecting to find many there to swap with. Looks like I missed a good opportunity here.

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 April 24
      Lara permalink

      So that’s where my Keats went!

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 April 24

        Sorry, he’s one of the jewels of my collection. I have Frost if you’re interested though. Whoever I got him from didn’t store him properly so he’s a little more tanned than perhaps he should be.

        Adores: 2
  17. 2011 April 24

    Would having Giovanni da Verrazano in your collection be considered bad taste?

    Adores: 1
  18. 2011 April 24
    Lara permalink

    Let’s go see if Neopolitan’s remains are really in that gold coffin in Paris. He was an explorer..kind of. Hell, let’s just go to Paris.

    Adores: 4
  19. 2011 April 24
    Lara permalink

    I feel weird when I respond to comments from quite a while ago but I can’t help myself!

    Adores: 4
  20. 2011 April 24

    Christopher Columbus is Not.A.Leon.

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 April 24
      LimeLolly permalink

      Maybe not, but he didn’t age very well.

      Adores: 2
  21. 2011 April 24
    Windrose permalink

    Dead Explorers Aren’t Much Fun. Oh, and Happy Rites of Spring Bunnies and Eggs, Chocolate Feast to Everyone!

    Adores: 3
  22. 2011 April 24

    What about John Holmes? He explored many dark holes.

    *Hey, there’s chocolate bunnies in the corner*

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 April 24
      Windrose permalink

      We hid the dyed eggs in the sofas!

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 April 24

        Those are snake eggs!

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 April 24

          crunch, crunch

          crunch, crunch

          They’re not half-bad once you dip them in chocolate.

          crunch, crunch

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 24

          Snake eggs are not crunchy…I think you found Taco’s stash of dumpster Cheetos.

          Adores: 2
        • 2011 April 24

          Worst. Euphemism. Ever.

          Adores: 4
    • 2011 April 24
      Irregular Fractal permalink

      That’s not chocolate, dear.

      Adores: 4
  23. 2011 April 24
    SisterLyle permalink

    After an extensive search through my closets, the bathroom, and under my son’s bed, I finally found the explorer I was going to sell this guys. *drags forward the carcass of Livingston* At least, I presume Sparky will want this one.

    Adores: 7
    • 2011 April 24
      Windrose permalink

      Yes, but only if you change your name to Stanley.

      Adores: 2
  24. 2011 April 24

    Alright, nobody’s said it yet, so…

    I think “Dead Explorers” would be a great name for a band.

    Then after a few years of success, they can break up due to infighting and the drummer can go off and form his own group. He can call it “Lewis and the Clarks”. Sacagawea will be the tambourinist.

    Adores: 3
  25. 2011 April 25
    Windrose permalink

    Gee, I hope no one mistook HamCan for Easter Dinner. Then again, he might like that. 8) Hammy, Punchity Punch Punch!

    G’Night, Explorers of the Millennium!

    Adores: 0
  26. 2012 August 27
    P-Rex permalink

    umm

    Adores: 0
  27. 2013 November 25
    meeshybee permalink

    Hey, I’ve got an old Marco Polo around here somewhere. He’s always a big hit at pool parties!

    I know I missed the party by a couple years on this one, but it was too good to pass up.

    Adores: 0

Leave a Reply

Note: You can use basic XHTML in your comments. Your email address will never be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS