YSaC, Vol. 1072: Yes, They’d Like Some Bananas.

2011 September 6

There are no monkeys!!!!!!!


Please stop calling. I don;t know who posted this with my number but I am not giving away monkeys.

Now, to be fair, this isn’t terribly sucky, other than the completely inexplicable semicolon. On the other hand, it is absolutely hilarious.

Two points:
1. This person does not rule out the possibility that they are SELLING monkeys, just that they are not giving them away for free.
2. I want this children’s book to exist. Commentariat, make it so.

Thanks, Mackenzie!

 

Updated by drmk to add: The comment below by “eBaiting” deserves to be featured here:

There are not any monkeys. We do not have them here.
Our store quit selling monkeys in August of last year.
We held a monkey sale, but we priced them far too low.
You simply can’t imagine how fast bargain monkeys go.
We sent a local flyer, but things soon got out of hand.
Our little ad went viral, and we could not meet demand.
Before we’d even opened, I peeked out at the throng,
A wall of eager monkey shoppers seven miles long.
They pounded on the windows. They rattled our front gates.
It felt just like Black Friday, but centered ’round primates.
At eight o’clock we opened and the mob came pouring in,
And snatched up all the monkeys from our monkey clearance bin.
Some people did not get one, and then the fights broke out,
With angry shoppers screeching, and flinging poo about.
They clambered on our counters, jumped up and down in carts.
We fled to layaway to get the tranquilizer darts.
We fired them at customers, which quieted them down.
We called the cops for help and they sent every car in town.
So next time you go shopping, recall this little verse:
There are not any monkeys, but humans act much worse.

I would totally buy this children’s book. Why isn’t it one yet?

 

118 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 September 6
    funky monkey permalink

    So, not.a.monkey?

    Adores: 13
    • 2011 September 6
      CoffDrop permalink

      That’s the point FM:

      Yes, we have no monkeys.
      We have no monkeys today.

      We’ve chimps and orangutans
      gorillas and baboons…..

      A Sumatran gibbon, a bonobo

      But yes we have no monkeys
      We have no monkeys today.

      PS: But we’ve got you..

      Adores: 10
      • 2011 September 6
        Angel permalink

        Yay for knowing the difference in monkeys and apes :) With rare exception (such as gibbons, which have tails and baboons, which are actually monkeys), monkeys have tails and apes do not.

        Adores: 6
        • 2011 September 6
          mud "" slicker permalink

          *hands you a pair of [corey] tags*

          Adores: 7
        • 2011 September 6
          CoffDrop permalink

          Baboons! I goofed on that one – thanks Angel corey……..

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 September 6
          Gary permalink

          It’s not important that I can tell difference between apes and monkeys, it’s only important that they (apes and monkeys) can tell the difference. Just saying…

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 September 6

          Apes and monkeys see each other as a series of ones and zeros.

          Adores: 10
        • 2011 September 6
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Those are only MTV new world binary primates.

          The old world primates are still living like it’s the old world. Change is a concept they’re having a problem grasping.

          Adores: 4
    • 2011 September 6

      *Waves his hand*

      This is not the Funky Monkey you are looking for.

      Adores: 9
      • 2011 September 6
        funky monkey permalink

        Whew. Thanks for covering for me.

        Adores: 2
    • 2011 September 6

      I’m so depressed, no more monkeys to spank…

      Oh, hi corner!

      Adores: 14
      • 2011 September 6
        CoffDrop permalink

        A game and a chant for you Ham Sir:

        im gonna spank the monkey,
        to make him deeper pink.
        im gonna spank the monkey,
        i dont care what you think.

        im gonna spank the monkey,
        jus bcouz i can,
        im gonna spank the monkey,
        to prove he’s a man.

        ive spanked the monkey,
        i made him look red.
        ive spanked the monkey
        shit…

        i fink the monkey’s dead!

        Spank The Monkey! A little game…

        Adores: 4
  2. 2011 September 6

    “These aren’t the monkeys you’re looking for.”

    “These aren’t the monkeys we’re looking for.”

    “He can go about his business.”

    “You can go about your business.”

    Adores: 10
  3. 2011 September 6

    That Copernicus.

    I knew when The Bloggess brought him home there’d be trouble.

    And, now, he’s got his own Facebook page and is starting to play practical jokes on her.

    I tried to warn her, but did she listen?

    Adores: 8
  4. 2011 September 6
    MandaB permalink

    Singalong time!

    “Hey Hey there’s no monkeys!
    We ain’t got no monkeys around!
    I’ve got no idea who did this
    Saying that my monkeys abound…”

    Happy Monday! No…wait…sneaky long weekends. Happy not.a.Monday!

    Adores: 20
    • 2011 September 6
      LimeLolly permalink

      :tosses banana doors at Manda:

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 September 6
        MandaB permalink

        Silly LL! Bananas don’t have doors, but they’re still very a-peeling!

        Adores: 9
        • 2011 September 6
          LimeLolly permalink

          Plantains?

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 6
          Lola permalink

          I prefer spontaneous tains, myself.

          Adores: 10
  5. 2011 September 6


    There are no monkeys!!!!!!!

    You mean there are no monkeys left at all?

    Where did all the monkeys go?

    Wait – are aliens going to destroy the Earth to make a hyperspace bypass? Or is it just when all the dolphins disappear that we have to worry about that?

    Adores: 16
    • 2011 September 6
      Lara permalink

      I was worried about that too. I bet the monkeys are just hiding at the zoo and Sparky concluded they disappeared.

      Adores: 5
    • 2011 September 6
      funky monkey permalink

      Is that a Hitchiker’s reference?

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 September 6
        Lola permalink

        The /bypass/dolphins reference? Yes.

        Adores: 1
  6. 2011 September 6
    Lara permalink

    The original posting

    Monkeys for all!
    —————————————————–
    I am giving away monkeys. They have laser beams attached to their heads and they poop gold. They will clean your house and pay your bills with poop gold. Do not let them near your computer because they like to post craigslist ads. You must be alert at all times because they will kill you and devour your body. We found them out back and they kind of look like kitties with extra long hair and sharp fangs but my husband knows what monkeys look like from the zoo so we know they are just awesome monkeys. If you lost your monkeys, too damn bad. We like the gold but we are running out of space for them to poop in and we want to share the wealth out of the kindness of our hearts. We are asking 1 million dollars OBO. Call Trixie at xxx-xxx-xxxx

    Adores: 13
    • 2011 September 6
      Lola permalink

      “Poop Gold” has got to be IF’s Butthole Surfers tribute band.

      Adores: 10
      • 2011 September 6
        mud "" slicker permalink

        Darn! I thought it was Metallica!

        I can never get those cover bands right.

        Adores: 3
      • 2011 September 6
        Irregular Fractal permalink

        It absolutely is.

        Adores: 2
    • 2011 September 6

      Do not let them near your computer because they like to post craigslist ads. You must be alert at all times because they will kill you and devour your body.

      The truth is the previous caretakers of these gold-pooping monkeys didn’t give them enough bananas. The monkeys therefore revolted and killed the people, then ate them. At first everything was fine, but then the monkeys realized there was still nobody bringing them bananas. So the monkeys posted the ad. If you read between the lines, this is actually a great offer that includes a warning caveat. “Take good care of us and give us plenty of bananas. We’ll poop gold made out of the bits of previous banana-bringers that we ate. If you do take good care of us, we’ll clean your house and keep you living pretty with all the poop-smelling gold we can produce, but remember to keep bringing bananas; otherwise, we’ll eat you too and poop gold made out of your tasty bits to give to whomever heeds this warning and keeps us well-supplied with bananas. Oh, and we’re cute. We look like long-haired, fanged kitties, and who doesn’t think kitties are cute?”

      Adores: 3
    • 2011 September 6
      funky monkey permalink

      I can’t believe how misunderstood we are! Yes, we poop gold, of course. But we DON’T devour bodies after we kill people. We do however take over their lives and sleep with their spouses and run up their credit cards.

      Adores: 7
      • 2011 September 6
        Lola permalink

        When they sleep with their spouses, is it on the “bitch” side of the bed? Just wondering.

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 September 6
          funky monkey permalink

          Monkey please. You know it. :)

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 September 6
          Lola permalink

          “Monkey, please” is totally going to be my new mode of address.

          “You want it when? Monkey, please.”

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 6
          funky monkey permalink

          “How much for a gallon of milk? Monkey, please!”

          Adores: 2
  7. 2011 September 6
    LimeLolly permalink

    Sad; no more free monkeys.

    Adores: 6
  8. 2011 September 6
    Lara permalink

    I am going to write that book now Drmk.

    Adores: 8
    • 2011 September 6
      drmk permalink

      In other news, Lara will have a book deal before I will.

      Adores: 8
    • 2011 September 6
      Lola permalink

      Better hurry. I hear there are roosters and monkeys with typewriters rushing to get their versions into print!

      Adores: 3
  9. 2011 September 6

    If it doesn’t have a tail, it’s not a monkey…
    Even if it has a monkey kind of shape…
    If it doesn’t have a tail, it’s not a monkey,
    If it doesn’t have tail, it’s not a monkey, it’s an ape.

    Adores: 6
    • 2011 September 6

      Then he concludes that Bob is an ape since Bob is sans tail.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 September 6

        You got the reference! *does a little dance*

        Adores: 1
  10. 2011 September 6

    Storytime!

    A couple summers ago, my aunt and uncle were visiting my parents while we were there, too. Some guy called because he wanted to pick up his kids (sounded like a joint-custody situation). My uncle calmly told him that he had to wrong number. The guy flipped out and started yelling at my uncle about being a lair and he can’t keep his kids from him and he’ll be right over, expletive, expletive, expletive. It was pretty funny. I hope the guy felt like a right ass when he got to his ex-wife’s home and realized he hadn’t actually called first.

    Adores: 9
    • 2011 September 6

      He called your uncle a lair? Like the batcave? Or Skullcrusher Mountain?

      Adores: 10
      • 2011 September 6

        My Taco-ness strikes again!

        I think what’s even funnier is that I misspelled Liar the first time through and that’s what it auto-corrected to!

        Adores: 1
  11. 2011 September 6
    camille permalink

    There are no monkeys in the box;
    There are no monkeys in my socks.
    There are no monkeys in my house.
    (That’s not a monkey – it’s a mouse.)
    There are no monkeys here or there.
    There are no monkeys anywhere!
    I do not like this world without monkeys.
    I do not like it. It’s not funky.

    Adores: 28
    • 2011 September 6

      More doors than you can imagine are being flung in your direction, camille.

      Adores: 5
    • 2011 September 6

      Woops, wasn’t supposed to be a reply here. Go about your business.

      Adores: 5
      • 2011 September 6
        Lola permalink

        This is not the monkey reply you are looking for.

        Adores: 7
    • 2011 September 6

      camille, I thought of you this weekend! We were at my parents’ house, and my (brilliant) sister came into the living room yelling something about having seen a bear in the backyard, or it might have been a cat. My mother’s response was “If you can mistake it for a cat, it’s not a bear.” My immediate thought was “Of course, that’s because bears look like dogs!”

      Adores: 6
  12. 2011 September 6

    Taco didn’t get enough sleep last night to do any snarking today. I’ve sat here feebling trying to come up with something and my brain can’t put anything useful together.

    I’ll just be on the sidelines today.

    Adores: 3
    • 2011 September 6

      Just don’t start flingin’ poo if you become upset with what you read.

      Adores: 6
      • 2011 September 6
        Windrose permalink

        Is that a common problem?

        Adores: 2
        • 2011 September 6

          …you mean it’s not?

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 September 6
          funky monkey permalink

          It’s common if we’re not on meds.

          Adores: 2
  13. 2011 September 6

    There are no monkeys!!!!!!!

    But…who will type out the entire works of William Shakespeare?

    Adores: 11
    • 2011 September 6

      Speaking of the bard, there’s a movie coming out soon called Anonymous. The description states that it is “A political thriller advancing the theory that it was in fact Edward De Vere, Earl of Oxford who penned Shakespeare’s plays”. Having seen no previews, all I can think is it can’t be that thrilling if it rehashes the centuries-old academic discussion that the bard wasn’t actually the playwright. The only way I see a film about that theory succeeding is if it’s a comedy that paints the bard as a loveable drunk with charisma to spare who stands in as the figurehead for a repressed semi-royal who wishes she could destroy the glass ceiling that keeps women only in the audience and not on stage.

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 September 6
        mud "" slicker permalink

        …and if Robin Williams plays Shakespeare.

        Adores: 1
      • 2011 September 6
        funky monkey permalink

        …and if Nathan Lane plays his love interest, er, assistant.

        Adores: 5
        • 2011 September 6

          Could we recast Jude Law as Shakespeare and Ewen MacGregor as the love interest assistant? I would pay several monies to see the dictation scenes.

          Adores: 6
        • 2011 September 6

          Yes, please!

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 6
          funky monkey permalink

          Throw Rob Pattinson in the mix somewhere, please. Lordy, Lordy, it otta be illegal.

          Adores: 2
  14. 2011 September 6
    Windrose permalink

    I am not giving away monkeys. Or zebras. Or oppossums. Or wallabies. Or kakarikis. Or peacocks. Or sugar gliders. Or corgis. Or lemurs. Or Not.A.Lions. Or roosters. Or clams. Or thouroghbreds. Or deer. Or antelope. Or bison. Or flounder. Or cattle. Or parrots. Or dogs. Or cats. Or mice. Or cockroaches. Or pigeons. Or anteaters. Or spiders. Or iguanas. Or boa constrictors. Or canaries. Or groundhogs. This list is only a guideline, and not all inclusive of the animals I am not giving away.

    Adores: 12
    • 2011 September 6
      mud "" slicker permalink

      signed,

      Noah

      Adores: 10
    • 2011 September 6
      Lola permalink

      No sugar gliders? What about fennecs?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 September 6
        mud "" slicker permalink

        No aye-ayes either.

        :(

        Adores: 2
  15. 2011 September 6
    Windrose permalink

    karmyn, it’s your day in the box. I’m sure there’s plenty of porn in there already, so you don’t have to bring more.

    Adores: 2
    • 2011 September 6
      Karmyn permalink

      No problem. My favorite Canadian moved to New Zealand.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 September 6
        Jen permalink

        Do you need a native tracker to hunt it down and return it?

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 September 6
          Karmyn permalink

          Not yet. He’s going to be there another year or so.

          Adores: 0
  16. 2011 September 6
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    You can’t imagine so many calls about a monkey ad
    All of them coming anonymously but I still get mad
    I never thought I’d get my number trolled on Craigslist spam
    But everyone’s calling me saying, “Can I have your monkeys, ma’am?”

    Want chimps in swimsuits, they want chimps dressed up like a maid
    They ask their ages, and if I’ll send them postage-paid.
    They want to know if, I take Paypal or strictly cash
    And if they come with, a pair of cymbals that they crash

    Another phone call for chimpanzees
    I’m gonna get you, you fool Sparky

    Adores: 11
    • 2011 September 6
      LimeLolly permalink

      More banana doors for Barenaked Primates.

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 September 6
        Irregular Fractal permalink

        Let’s go a different direction now…

        No monkeys, I don’t have any
        Someone played a joke
        No monkeys for your lame frat party
        Yes I know you were stoked

        I say, “No monkeys” to the folks who call
        But they don’t believe
        They think it’s just some kind of secret code
        Or they just get peeved

        No monkeys in my garage or in the yard
        Please stop driving by my house
        No monkeys with prehensile tails
        No monkeys to work in your jail

        No monkeys for parties
        No monkeys for doing science to
        No monkeys who will clean your house
        Or to keep in your cool tree fort
        No monkeys for you
        No monkeys for you

        Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 6
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          And coincidentally, Monkeys for Doing Science To is the name of my Jonathan Coulton cover band.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 6

          Mila was beyond ecstatic when she met him at PAX and he signed a cd and her convention badge for her. She was only disappointed that I was not steeped in jealousy when she told me.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 6
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          Here’s one to make Mila turn green: He grew up the next town over from me in rural CT at about the same time. I’m pretty sure I marched in parades and played in band festivals with him.

          Also, he let me touch his beard in exchange for rubbing my bald dome last Saturday night.

          Adores: 4
        • 2011 September 6

          What happens at IF’s house should stay at IF’s house.

          Adores: 9
        • 2011 September 6

          If it makes Mila feel better, I’m mildly jealous of her.

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 September 6
          funky monkey permalink

          “What happens at IF’s house should stay at IF’s house”

          Yes. Rather than a catchy slogan this should be the Eleventh Commandment.

          Adores: 3
  17. 2011 September 6
    Bianchi Sound permalink

    That James Franco sure can’t take a joke, can he?

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 September 6
      mud "" slicker permalink

      :)

      Rise of the 127 monkeys…

      Adores: 3
    • 2011 September 6
      funky monkey permalink

      I think Bruce Willis and his 12 monkeys can whoop Franco’s 127 ANYTHINGs.

      Adores: 2
  18. 2011 September 6
    funky monkey permalink

    Okay, I’m confused. If I have a tail, am I or am I not a monkey?

    I don’t care. I picked this avatar ’cause it’s cute. And this is Chris’s monkey from his closet and Family Guy has never steered me wrong.

    Adores: 4
    • 2011 September 6

      It’s.A.Monkey.

      Adores: 3
    • 2011 September 6

      All monkeys have tails. All Monkees have tales. Clearer?

      Adores: 2
      • 2011 September 6
        mud "" slicker permalink

        Except for Manx monkeys.

        Adores: 1
        • 2011 September 6
          Irregular Fractal permalink

          Manx for clearing that up, mudsy.

          Adores: 3
        • 2011 September 6
          mud "" slicker permalink

          Grape ape, no problem, IF.

          8)

          Adores: 1
        • 2011 September 6
          funky monkey permalink

          Y’all are just bananas.

          Adores: 2
  19. 2011 September 6

    Free monkies. Please, dear God, come get them out of my garage.

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 September 6
      mud "" slicker permalink

      Monkees.

      :)

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 September 6

      But just think, you could open a store and be in the Monkey business…

      Adores: 3
      • 2011 September 6
        mud "" slicker permalink

        I believe Monkey Business had something to do with Gary Hart and Donna Rice. A different kind of shopping.

        Adores: 2
  20. 2011 September 6
    mud "" slicker permalink

    . (I’m apparently having my period. Pay no attention.)

    Adores: 1
    • 2011 September 6

      Even if the attention swears it paid for the tickets and I said I would pay it back Tuesday?

      Adores: 4
      • 2011 September 6
        mud "" slicker permalink

        Even more so! That attention is always trying to put the spotlight on itself.

        Adores: 2
  21. 2011 September 6
    eBaiting permalink

    There are not any monkeys. We do not have them here.
    Our store quit selling monkeys in August of last year.
    We held a monkey sale, but we priced them far too low.
    You simply can’t imagine how fast bargain monkeys go.
    We sent a local flyer, but things soon got out of hand.
    Our little ad went viral, and we could not meet demand.
    Before we’d even opened, I peeked out at the throng,
    A wall of eager monkey shoppers seven miles long.
    They pounded on the windows. They rattled our front gates.
    It felt just like Black Friday, but centered ’round primates.
    At eight o’clock we opened and the mob came pouring in,
    And snatched up all the monkeys from our monkey clearance bin.
    Some people did not get one, and then the fights broke out,
    With angry shoppers screeching, and flinging poo about.
    They clambered on our counters, jumped up and down in carts.
    We fled to layaway to get the tranquilizer darts.
    We fired them at customers, which quieted them down.
    We called the cops for help and they sent every car in town.
    So next time you go shopping, recall this little verse:
    There are not any monkeys, but humans act much worse.

    Adores: 53
    • 2011 September 6
      funky monkey permalink

      “snatched up all the monkeys ”

      Heh. Snatched. Monkeys. Heh heh.

      Beyond that: Bravo! Many many doors!

      Adores: 5
    • 2011 September 6
      Dan permalink

      Holy mother of god that is brilliant! That is EXACTLY the children’s story I wanted. That’s absolutely amazing… I just read it out loud to drmk while she was cooking dinner, and she was blown away too.

      Adores: 7
    • 2011 September 6

      This. This is why I love our commenters.

      Adores: 7
    • 2011 September 6
      MandaB permalink

      I read it to my two-year old for bedtime. She loved it!

      Adores: 6
    • 2011 September 6
      Lola permalink

      I am particularly enamoured of the phrase “monkey shoppers.” I may henceforth utilize it as a euphemism: “I have had it with these monkey-shopping snakes on this monkey-shopping plane!” Yes.

      Adores: 18
    • 2011 September 6

      This needs to be a pop-up book.

      Adores: 6
    • 2011 September 6
      CoffDrop permalink

      Oh so fine, eBaiting!

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 September 6
      Lou Stool permalink

      That. Was. Brilliant. Thank you for making my week.

      Adores: 2
    • 2011 September 7

      Just read this with my morning coffee. Well done, eBaiting.

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 September 7
      FrancescaLiber permalink

      I would buy this book in a heartbeat!! I have a 4 and 6 yo, and I promise I would read this to them every night, and in the mornings on weekends.

      Adores: 1
    • 2011 September 14
      D / DM permalink

      I may give up commenting forever now. I can’t compete with that. Thanks a lot, eBaiting.

      Adores: 1
  22. 2011 September 6

    There are no monkeys

    Very Zen.

    Adores: 2
  23. 2011 September 6

    Alternatively:

    “Ape, or ape not. There are no monkeys.”

    Adores: 11
  24. 2011 September 6
    Jen permalink

    I like to imagine that this ad is in an entirely different part of Craigslist, where it will likely never be seen by those desirous of procuring a monkey.

    It’s probs totes symbolic of man’s inhumanity to man. Or monkey.

    Adores: 1
  25. 2011 September 6
    Windrose permalink

    Dang, I missed a fun day here. Got e-Vacuated at work, and then had to catch up with all the lost time, then had to have a meeting about the e-Vacuation. Wheee.

    Adores: 0
    • 2011 September 6
      Jen permalink

      The way you write ‘e-Vacuated’ makes me think it was less natural disaster/Sparky-on-the-loose-mayhem and more vaccuum-related. Or have I been trying to make sense of the senseless* for too long?

      *Senseless here referring to brainless submissions, that is, not comments.

      Adores: 1
      • 2011 September 7
        Windrose permalink

        8) It was a homeless Sparky, in reality. I just like the e in front of works, like email and eotherthingsIcan’thinkofrightnow.

        Adores: 1
  26. 2011 September 7
    Ralph permalink

    Unfortunately, my state does not allow pet monkeys. The legislature is in denial about Primate Change.

    Adores: 3
  27. 2011 September 7
    Windrose permalink

    Karmyn, your box time is up. Punchity punch punch.

    G’Night, Dorothy Fragaszy!

    Adores: 0
  28. 2011 September 7
    minetruly permalink

    I have an explanation for the semicolon… In other countries, the keyboards may have a different arrangement. I visited Japan, and there were colons where you expect to find the quotes or something like that. So, this person is in fact trying to type on a laptop he stole from a visiting Japanese businessman.

    Adores: 1

Leave a Reply

Note: You can use basic XHTML in your comments. Your email address will never be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS