YSaC, Vol. 1072: Yes, They’d Like Some Bananas.
There are no monkeys!!!!!!!
Please stop calling. I don;t know who posted this with my number but I am not giving away monkeys.
Now, to be fair, this isn’t terribly sucky, other than the completely inexplicable semicolon. On the other hand, it is absolutely hilarious.
1. This person does not rule out the possibility that they are SELLING monkeys, just that they are not giving them away for free.
2. I want this children’s book to exist. Commentariat, make it so.
Updated by drmk to add: The comment below by “eBaiting” deserves to be featured here:
There are not any monkeys. We do not have them here.
Our store quit selling monkeys in August of last year.
We held a monkey sale, but we priced them far too low.
You simply can’t imagine how fast bargain monkeys go.
We sent a local flyer, but things soon got out of hand.
Our little ad went viral, and we could not meet demand.
Before we’d even opened, I peeked out at the throng,
A wall of eager monkey shoppers seven miles long.
They pounded on the windows. They rattled our front gates.
It felt just like Black Friday, but centered ’round primates.
At eight o’clock we opened and the mob came pouring in,
And snatched up all the monkeys from our monkey clearance bin.
Some people did not get one, and then the fights broke out,
With angry shoppers screeching, and flinging poo about.
They clambered on our counters, jumped up and down in carts.
We fled to layaway to get the tranquilizer darts.
We fired them at customers, which quieted them down.
We called the cops for help and they sent every car in town.
So next time you go shopping, recall this little verse:
There are not any monkeys, but humans act much worse.
I would totally buy this children’s book. Why isn’t it one yet?