The Worst of 2012!

Well folks, it’s the end of the year, and time for our annual tradition of reviewing the worst of the worst on Craigslist. I mean, it’s the first time we’ve done it, but that’s once this year, so that’s annual, right? Or maybe perennial… I can never keep that straight. Which is the one you mulch?

Ahem. At any rate, in no particular order, here is some of the most spectacular suckage on Craigslist for 2012, along with our attached snark. If you’re so inclined, please follow the link to the original post so you can read the comments from our readers – they’re often even funnier than ours!

[Note from drmk: You'll notice that we're not even whoring for page clicks by making you click through a gallery -- these are all on one page. Why? Because we love you.]

(Note that some of these are NSFW, especially #12 and #13)



#1: YSaC, Vol. 1163: I can’t believe it’s not … oh, ew.

Butter fantasy – m4w – 27


Here’s how this is going to work. I have a ridiculous amount of butter, and a spare area carpet. I’m going to melt said butter, douse myself and the carpet with it, and roll myself up in the carpet like some sort of human burrito. Here’s where you come in. You will walk in on me in my burrito. You will be dressed up all sexy like. You then run across the room, jump on top of the burrito, and launch me across the room in butter-soaked ecstasy. You will not help me clean up. You will then leave. You can send me your dry cleaning expenses for any clothes that have been embuttered. This is completely legit. Write back with a pic.

We here at the Cartoon Physics Institute would like to remind you that when shooting across the room after being ejected from your embuttered carpet burrito, be sure that you are wearing a crash helmet to protect your head. Cartoon concussions are serious business; those stars and birds and flattened heads can mask a serious issue. Blowing on your finger to reinflate yourself is only a temporary fix and can easily lead to over-inflation.

The Cartoon Physics Institute — making the impossible adorable since 1928.



#2: YSaC, Vol. 1405 – So which side would the cat land on?

Lets dress like pirates and have sex – m4w – 28


Lets dress like pirates and have sex!

I’ll be like : Yarrrr! Surrender the booty! and you’ll be like ”yes captain pirate sir, you may penetrate my ship”

Or, as Dan and I like to call it, Tuesday.



#3: YSaC, Vol. 1214 – We don’t need another HTML Hero

WEB HOST good Deal on Web Sites


WEB HOST good Deal on Web Sites
Would You like Your Own WEB SITE?
Check Out Mine, [astonishingly bad website that makes Geocities look modern]
and then Call Me xxx xxx xxxx

 

 

Okay. You want to design my website. Let me just make sure, though: would my website have inexplicable pictures of Mercedes and mimes as random cut-ins on other pictures? AND illegible text? Hmmm. Let me look at your own website in order to see if I should work with you.

Oh. Your page title is “siteerror404″. Well, that’s not a good sign. Then again, neither is this:

 

 

You MUST click on the link to make it larger. There is just so much here that I can’t even begin to find the words. I will just leave it up to the commentariat to rejoice in the artistic glory that is this website. It has it all: pictures of a guy making shadow puppets of butterflies. Tina Turner in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. A exhortation that I had to cut off for space reasons, but it says “You Can Buy Stock In Our Business and Grow with US!! God will surly bless you!”

But there’s much, much more, dear readers, that you must explore for yourself … if your eyes can take it, that is. Enjoy.



#4: YSaC, Vol. 1309: Though the JJ Abrams lens flare is a nice effect.

cow head – $35


Perfect for girls room.

Call
xxx-xxx-xxxx

How is this perfect for a girl’s room? It isn’t even bedazzled, for pete’s sake! Well, okay, it’s got glitter, but that’s not a proper bedazzling. Everyone knows that if you’re going to put animal carcasses in a young girl’s room, that they need to be properly bedazzled.

Although, hmmm. There’s no apostrophe in “girls”, so maybe we’re not referring to the room of one particularly morbid yet perky girl who happens to like animal skulls painted in Playskool-bright colors.

Maybe this is one of those things they do at theme restaurants, where they put some kind of obscure symbol on the bathroom door and then expect you to figure out which room you need to go into.* This would go on the door of the ladies’ room? But (a) what would then go on the door to the men’s room, and (b) we’re still missing an apostrophe.

William is responsible for this. Blame him.

* Really? You expect me to be able to tell the difference between a chicken and a rooster after I’ve had four beers? Really? And you’re throwing me out? Oh, it was the part where I started yelling, “Hey, nice cock!”? Yeah, I guess that makes sense.




#5 – YSaC, Vol. 1329: Baby, baby, baby … ew.

need an artist to draw me a cartoon


so I am helping direct short comedy film that requires a illustration of Kim Kardashian giving birth by farting out a baby Justin Bieber. Its silly, but the scene is really silly. Anyone want to give it a shot? PM me for more details

Lumi, what the hell are you trying to do to me? You send this in, and you expect me to continue functioning as though nothing is wrong with society? This has destroyed every last drop of faith I had in humanity. Art was all I had left, and now that’s gone too.

If you need me, I’ll be face down in the nacho cheese fountain.




#6 – YSaC, Vol. 1266: I’m doing research in the field of Craigslist!

Seeking Animatronic Disnosaur – 36


Nothing turns me on more then Jurassic Park themed role play. You must be the animatronic dinosaur, and I must be the helpless child (Tim or Lex) stuck in the park at your mercy.

You will growl mechanically into my ear and stare threateningly. I will feign panic and search for the flash light in the back seat of the visitor jeep. You will sniff at the window slowly and then release a robotic roar into the night air. I scream for Alan Grant, but your over sized robot jaws come crashing down through the overhead window, pinning me to the floor.

I cannot stress this enough however, you must play as a ROBOTIC dinosaur. This is very specific, my interest lie entirely in animatronic dinosaurs, NOT real ones. I thought I should mention this as there have been unfortunate miscommunications in the past, leading to poor performance.

I don’t like wasting my time, so make sure you do your homework and watch the film and make sure you can fully embrace the mindset of an animatronic dinosaur. Also: Must love orange sherbert. This ad is real– Tell me your favorite dinosaur in the return title. Grrrr.

I’m totally loving the portmanteau in the title. Obviously an animatronic dinosaur would be a Disnosaur — a dinosaur created by Disney!

And I completely understand this person’s problem. When you have a very specific fetish, and the other person doesn’t get it exactly right, it completely ruins the mood. Why, just the other day Dan and I were role playing Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, and instead of saying “Quit it, Pammy, quit it” as I was dancing alluringly, he said, “Stop it” instead! And that totally made me not want to say Rowr anymore.

Um. Was that out loud?




#7 – YSaC, Vol. 1237: That’s a technical.

Need Crew Editor’s and Writer’s


Hi. We are a new Network starting up in [location] new York and we are looking for the fouling. Camera Crew and writer’s Would be good if the camera crew hand there own Camera’s provable HD that Run’s with Cannon. We are looking for 2 to three Write’s we are also looking for Editor’s. There is a possible of PAY!! For more information please Contact US.

Where to start?

"Hi." – Hi! Boy, am I glad we got the awkward greeting stage out of the way.

Random capitalization and apostrophes – Of course… hell, why not combine them. Oh, good; you do that later.

"... we are looking for the fouling." – that’s an automatic 15 yard penalty for ludicrous spelling. Your team loses.

"hand there own Camera's provable HD that Run's with Cannon" – I’d have a better chance deciphering hieroglyphics than trying to understand this as part of the English language.

"2 to three" – Good change up. Keep us guessing on what’s next.

"... we are also looking for Editor's." – Really? You think that’s necessary?

"There is a possible of PAY!!" – I instantly looked past the grammar and called bullshit. You don’t have spell check and you don’t have any money. Contrary to popular opinion, editors don’t take their pay in extraneous apostrophes and exclamation marks.

"Contact US" – Ominous, yet intimidating.

Thanks, Mario!*

* Longtime readers may remember Mario as the creative genius behind one of the funniest things to ever grace these pixels — the Spambot Fail Video. If you haven’t seen it, go there now. If you have seen it, go there now anyway. It’s that good.




#8 – YSaC, Vol. 1361: ICU at the ICU

[Hospital] Main ICU – m4w


Hey, this is for S. Who I met at the [name] Hospital ICU on Sunday nite. We was talking in the louge, my wife (who I told you I don’t get along w/ but we stay 2tgether for the new baby) is there after her car acident. You were there for ur grampa who something. You might remembar that my name begins with D. And I was tall & you liked my tatts on my forarm. I made you laugh, and you will probably remember that I told U that you was Fly. I really liked talking to you, but that dam nurse kept interrupting and finally I couldn’t come back because of the feedings tubes problam. When I came back I was like “Dam” bcause U were gone and all. So I am hoping U will see this here. Good news: my wife won’t last to much longer, wich means I can b a free man soon, wich means I would like to take you out for a nite on the town if U see this. So get at me because I got what U need and I will treat you right . Not like all those wankstas U was talking about. Really doe.

PS – U like Red Lobster?

 

Because what better place to meet your next future ex-wife than in the emergency room lounge after your current future ex-wife has “mysteriously” gotten into a car accident? Except for when the nurse comes out to get you and is all, “The doctor wants to talk to you about putting your wife on life support,” and you’re like “Oh, MAN, can it wait? I’m busy being tall for this chick.”




#9 – YSaC, Vol. 1186: I’m sorry ladies and gentlemen, but there’s no reason to post this.


Two weeks or so ago, we posted a towering epic of an ad. A massive lyric poem of such scope and breadth that Homer himself would weep at attempting to encompass its majesty.

Oh, no wait.. we posted this:

Cans


Cans

Well, Mr. Cans is back, with a staggering followup to his magnum opus. An Odyssey to his Iliad, a Purgatorio to his Inferno, a “We Built This City on Rock and Roll” to his “White Rabbit.”

Radio


Radio


Who could forget the scene where the Windex bottle drags Hector’s body away from Carthage to found Rome? Or the part where Gilgamesh is frozen in ice up to his neck in the mop bucket for daring to seek the hand of Draupadi in marriage? Or the breathtaking suspense of Grace Slick drinking a can of Mountain Dew?

Incidentally, did you know that in the Mahabharata, the actual test for seekers of Draupadi’s hand seems to have involved shooting some sort of artificial fish while looking at its reflection in a pool of oil? Me neither. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother trying to be weird, when I can’t possibly match stuff like this.




#10 – YSaC, Vol. 1372: Y? Because you’re born that way.

MICKEY MOUSE JACKET – $10


DISNEY STORE BRAND

MICKEY MOUSE JACKET *NEW*

ASKING $10

SMOKE FREE HOME

Mickey: Um, Walt? Do you have a second?
Walt: Yes, Mickey?
Mickey: I need to tell you something.
Walt: *sighs* No, Mickey, I’m not covering your gambling losses again.
Mickey: Walt, I told you I’ll pay you back. Anyway, that’s not it. This is … personal.
Walt: Oh? Oh, no. You didn’t … I know you and Daisy were … oh dear, the tabloids are going to have a field day.
Mickey: No! No, that’s not it at all. Walt, recently I’ve been feeling a little bit … out of place in my body.
Walt: Is it the big hands? We can get those reduced. We’ll do it slowly so that nobody notices. I know a good cartoon surgeon.
Mickey: Actually, I’ve been thinking I might be a lot happier if I was … a girl mouse.
Walt: Is THAT all? Oh, thank heavens. Here, Mickey — have a bow and some Mary Janes. Now go frolic.
Thanks, OMV! (Also, this was posted in “Arts and Crafts”. That’s right, this is the finest handcrafted jacket China can make.)




#11 – YSaC, Vol. 1355: Let’s just hope there are no gelatinous cubes.

Woman DM needed for D&D based Adult Bachelor Party


Description:
Looking for a woman with Dungeon Master experience in Dungeons and Dragons (specifically 3.0 or 3.5 editions) to run a game. The event is for a Bachelor Party and the “future husband to be” would prefer if the DM could be topless. With that said, I ensure you that nothing else is expect of you other than an exciting adventure.

Requirements:

  • Dungeon Master experience in Dungeons and Dragons (preferably in 3rd or 3.5 Editions)
  • Must be able to provide a picture including the face and body (No nudes please.)
  • It is preferable that cup size be at least C or greater.
  • If books are needed it must be stated ahead of time however it would be preferable if the DM had her own.

Clientele:
There will be 5 “guys” that will be participation including myself. We are at all above the age of 24. Each of us are gentlemen and will treat the Dungeon Master with the utmost of respect.

Compensation:
I honestly don’t know how to charge for this kind of service because it’s not something typically done so the compensation will be negotiated. It’s expected that the session last no less than 30 minutes.

Date:
A day prior to October 11th (The Day of the Wedding) would be ideal.

Location:
The location will be negotiated but priority will be give to the preference of the Dungeon Master.

We will treat the Dungeon Master with the utmost respect. But we want her to be stacked and topless. These guys are essentially looking for the geek fantasy – they want a beautiful uninhibited woman who is willing to take her top off… and then play Dungeons and Dragons (3.0 or 3.5 preferably) with them.

I’m actually not sure where this falls on the “respect for women” scale relative to your typical bachelor party with a stripper. On the one hand, these guys will probably spend the entire game trying to pretend they’re not staring at the girl they’ve just paid to expose herself. On the other hand, that’s almost more dishonest than just hiring a stripper.

In a way, it’s sort of sad. On the other hand, there’s probably at LEAST as many D&D games as frat parties happening in an average night, but a lot more adult entertainment catering to the latter than the former. I suspect the first adult entertainer than picks up a set of d20s, learns what THAC0 means, and can operate a Random Encounter Table might actually clean up.

(Also, I’m going to pretend I had to look all those terms up.)




#12 – YSaC, Vol. 1411: Fill it to the rim…


It’s Christmas Eve … that means it’s time for our annual You Suck at Craigslist gift idea for procrastinators. Don’t have something for that special person? Don’t worry — we’ve got just the thing!

I Will Produce Human Kopi Luwak For You For Cheap (My shed)


I’m a home roaster and I’m noticing in the newpapers that animal poop coffee is really popular and expensive. I’ve been growing yellow bourbon arabica in my greenhouse for a couple of years and it’s finally starting to produce quality cherry. I will personally ingest this cherry and mimic the “kopi luwak” process. I will roast this coffee so that it’s ready to brew, in time for the holidays. I will be able to harvest only a couple of pounds of this special kind of coffee so act now before it’s too late.

I’m 47, healthy, and will guarantee you’ll like my kopi luwak style coffees. Fecal specimens available for inspection upon request.

WILL DELIVER IN AND AROUND THE [LOCATION] AREA!

$30 a pound.

You can thank me later … but not with a cup of coffee.




#13 – YSaC, Vol. 1334: I’m a model, you know what I mean?


Keep in mind, this ad was posted in “Casual Encounters” …

looking for a girl to do couple shoot – m4w – 23


Looking for a girl, or girls that want to do a photo shoot. Their is a few things that I will need to know so answer questions in your return.
1. Must not be shy, out going, and fun.
2. Must be willing to so underwear shits, if you want topless, or nudes. We can see What we want to do.
3. Must have sexy underwear, no ratty shit.
4. Must have a car.
5. Swim where is a plus.

OK so that is out of the way I will tell you What I am looking for. You don’t have tl be super skinny, or tall. We are looking for someone that would like to do some model shots. I am a real model, and their K’s a professional photographer. So we want to take some pictures while I am home to keep me sharp, and give a girl, or some girls a chance to worm with model.
Age don’t really matter. Weight is not either. Hoping for good looking girls but are open for anyone putt in a email.
Put (photo shoot) in the subject line, Must have pictures, and answer the question above.
Also color, and race dose not matter.

I’m putting the pictures behind a cut because they’re … well … remember how Google thought we were a porn site because we mentioned the word “panties” in a post? Yeah, that was nothin’ compared to the pictures accompanying this post. This might not be safe for work. Or anywhere. Or anyone. Really.

I warned you.

Okay. There’s a lot going on here. Let’s break it down, shall we? (And no, not in the dubstep WUBWUBWUBWUBWUB way of breaking things down. I’m going to break it down old school.)

Looking for a girl, or girls that want to do a photo shoot. Their is a few things that I will need to know so answer questions in your return.
1. Must not be shy, out going, and fun.

Oddly, that’s actually a pretty good description of me. I’m shy, but I’m an extroverted introvert, and I think I’m pretty fun. But apparently I’m not what they’re looking for. Also, this isn’t a question.

2. Must be willing to so underwear shits, if you want topless, or nudes. We can see What we want to do.

Um. Also, still not a question.

3. Must have sexy underwear, no ratty shit.

Doesn’t this directly conflict with #2? Also, still not a question.

4. Must have a car.
5. Swim where is a plus.

Say it with me, folks: still not a question. More of an imperative. And it’s nice that he’ll let me going swimming where. It sounds like he’d even encourage me.

OK so that is out of the way I will tell you What I am looking for.

So the above stuff has nothing to do with what you’re looking for? Then why did I have to answer your non-questions?

You don’t have tl be super skinny, or tall. We are looking for someone that would like to do some model shots. I am a real model, and their K’s a professional photographer. So we want to take some pictures while I am home to keep me sharp, and give a girl, or some girls a chance to worm with model.

To worm with model? Is this some kind of new euphemism I should know about? Is this what has taken over for hi dusting? I have such trouble keeping up with the kids these days.

Age don’t really matter. Weight is not either. Hoping for good looking girls but are open for anyone putt in a email.

Hooray! We’re going to play miniature golf via email! This is new.

Put (photo shoot) in the subject line, Must have pictures, and answer the question above.

Um. What question?

Also color, and race dose not matter.

I think the color dose really does matter. Otherwise you could end up looking like this:

I think she’s been dosed with a bit too much color.




#14 – YSaC, Vol. 1184: I like the part with the qgokp.


Yesterday’s spambot incompetence got me looking in that category, and I thought I would share a few more examples with you.

take my mind off of all of this drama – 31 (where ur at )


My goals in your life since at this time are to graduate college then one day open my personal bakery!!! I enjoy country music all night towards the movies. Sometimes a good deal , the like my leisure time I merely prefer to relax and hang up out with friends!!

Well, I’m pleased to announce that I have met her goals in my life. Well, at least one of them — I have graduated from college, but I haven’t opened her own personal bakery yet. (It’s your own …. personal … bakery …. Someone to make you bread; someone well-read … )

I am looking for cash – w4m


Hi guys, I am tiffany and i am very special and am looking for guys with a hundred dollars minimum to see me.
I am a chick that loves cyber fun too. i am on here now live [skeezy cam site URL]
I am 24 but am quite inexperienced with men sexually. i mean ive had many dates with guys but not really much action.
I am tabitha and am a brunette sharing a apartment with my female cousin.

Oh, Tiffany. You were doing SO well until the end there. I appreciated your honesty, and almost believed that you weren’t a fat, hairy Eastern European man.

Gently used ! willing to negotiate IPAD 1 AppleCare latest model – $350


piAx PezZuk78 SMWIPD8E Qkytnk HOulBO2HA isgvrwHwdSPn acb78aD WTTbodFpooQN m7ml4swAPKIC jqV CHxSmxwf lM5oft3QUi VjmfPfM5sC8 VXo2dfy7vO
0Se nzdEGMO 3x3Y57 ubzQTkGdy54 UrvBCAuiQNz edZ6e0c ZelK354 UexYRBWk qg0kp FfN gF7WGTxpF1x OnIJdmXOIGoX MB
CI7fhT kUELSPc31 MVr3ao9sPo GeComP9WFVj RGXzW 84 elidSWBKPlM 2CMbg89j31ha rS BKHtczfx3 aWcnFaW6dtT zow2lA4E mZ3RQtR 0gmV ui8wHGpGVH TuGc2Cd0Xx
dDzJoXgYRwu JuTrurgP 5faHZZ3ZqUMm Dp
Kl s6 6XRkm4 LQ2xd h8y JgL1ELQn4Zm X9MRF8IEJp KeBnJpZ9 iKwcDxmAfdw BC8M up7G9GWFz RIhCRjJ kwU2pQ7H34 RGXz t4QJk S2P IGlEOsUedwAD 9o oBbr2MmV hExILx5BC

I can’t tell if this person is actually trying to negotiate, or is just trying to code something in Perl. Google Translate thinks this is in Maltese. My neighbor has one of those dogs, and I’ve never heard it say anything even remotely similar to this.




#15 – YSaC, Vol. 1269: There’s a whole lotta crazy going on.


This one continues behind a cut because it’s really, really long. And crazy. Really, really crazy. But quite informative! I look forward to hearing what your favorite piece of information is. Mine is where he accuses Michael Nesmith of trying to kill him. Or maybe it’s where he declares that Congress has been ended. (That might actually be the sanest thing he proposes in here.) I do want to know what the “Mr. Penis scenario” is, though.

You can thank Teri for this.*

*Thank may not be exactly the right word.

the Lord God, [NAME] AUDIO MESSAGE 9/ 11 WAS A HOAX


FIRST POSTED IN MAY, 2011

Link to God’s website:
[link to website deleted]

HELLO,
BELOW IS PART ONE OF AN INTERRUPTED MESSAGE ON THURSDAY, MAY 26TH, 2011, THAT TALKS ABOUT HOW ALL OF THE WARS, SINCE THE 1920′S ON THE PLANET EARTH, AND ON ALL OTHER PLANETS AS WELL, WERE/ARE FAKE AND THAT ALL “TERRORIST” ACTIVITIES WERE/ARE FAKE, AND MERELY PLANNED BY A CONGLOMERATE “WORLD” COUNCIL, THAT DECIDED IN THE 1920′S, AND CONTINUALLY CHOSE, UNTIL APRIL 26TH, 2011, ON EARTH, AND ON ALL OTHER EARTH PLANETS, THAT MEN, AND LATER WOMEN OF THE PLANET STILL NEEDED WAR, TO ATTACH THEMSELVES TO AN OCCUPATION THAT PROMOTED PRIDE IN THE “FATHER COUNTRY.”

THEY DECIDED, AND CONTINUED TO DECIDE AND FELT, THAT WAR, ALSO CREATED HUMAN FEAR OF OTHER COUNTRIES, THAT COULD ATTACK, AND THUS KEPT THE CITIZENS OF EACH COUNTRY, “STAYING HOME.” ALSO, IN THIS MESSAGE, I TALK ABOUT HOW THE “PLANETARY INTERNET” WAS DISCOVERED IN 1942, AND HOW PEOPLE COULD TRAVEL HERE THROUGH A JAUNTING MACHINE THAT WAS CREATED ON THE PLANET EARTH THAT YEAR, AND HOW PEOPLE WERE TAUGHT HOW TO JUANT (which is forbidden now).

LINK TO AUDIO MESSAGE PART ONE:
[link to google document deleted]

BELOW IS PART TWO OF THE AUDIO MESSAGE FOR THURSDAY, MAY 26TH, 2011. I STATE HERE, THAT BARACK OBAMA SIGNED IN BLOOD TO KEEP THE SECRET THAT THE WARS AND TERRORISM WERE TO REMAIN FAKE AND ORCHESTRATED. I ALSO, REVEAL THAT JOHN F. KENNEDY AND ROBERT KENNEDY, BOTH KNEW THAT THEY WERE TO BE KILLED FROM THE “CONGLOMERATE’S” DECISION. I REVEAL, AS WELL THAT THE CONSPIRACY THEORIES THAT POINTED TO 9/11, BEING ORCHESTRATED BY THE US GOVERNMENT WERE IN FACT COMPLETELY TRUE, AND THAT THE VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE ON THE PLANET EARTH THAT SHOW LITTLE BOMBS BEING DROPPED BY HELICOPTERS, WERE ACTUALLY DROPPING BOMBS. ALSO, I TELL OF THE FACT THAT THERE WERE BOMBS PLACED IN THE STAIRWELLS ON EVERY TEN FLOORS, AND THAT GEORGE BUSH, SIGNED IN BLOOD TO PROMISE TO NOT TELL THAT 9/11, WAS ALL PLANNED BY THE CONGLOMERATE. I STATE AGAIN THAT STEVE MCQUEEN, RAN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE AND ALL OF THE WARS FROM VIETNAM, ONWARD. HE ALSO, ORDERED THE KILLING OF FARRAH FAWCETT, AND BRITTANY MURPHY, THROUGH THE TAKING OF A DRINK CALLED LODLUM (poison to the brain), THAT WAS DISGUISED AS A TONIC TO HELP WITH COMPLEXION, THAT WAS PERSCRIBED BY HOLLYWOOD MOVIE STAR DOCTORS, TO MANY OF THE GODDESSES THAT MCQUEEN FELT “WERE DONE.”

LINK TO AUDIO MESSAGE PART TWO:
[link to google document deleted]

Below is the message from yesterday, Thursday, May 26th, 2011

Hello,
This is the Lord God, ALMIGHTY, [NAME], I DO BY PROCLAIM THAT BARACK OBAMA IS NO LONGER THE FORTY FOURTH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. I HAVE HIM, LEAVING THE WHITE HOUSE, AS OF THIS MOMENT. I, [NAME] [Social security number] HAVE TAKEN OVER THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT AND HAVE HIRED A COUNCIL (from thought commands) TO RUN THE GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. THE CONGRESS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, IS DONE AND HAS BEEN ENDED AS OF THIS MOMENT IN TIME, BY the Lord God ALMIGHTY, [NAME]. THE CAPITOL BUILDINGS WILL BE EMPTIED NOW AND HELD FOR ME TO DECIDE WHAT TO HAVE IN THEM.

Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, is no longer is employed by the United States Government.

Joe Biden is no longer the Vice President of The United States of America.

Secretary of the Interior, Ken Salazar, is removed immediately from his position in the US Government, never to return.

I SHALL BE IN WASHINGTON D.C., VERY SOON TO GIVE A SPEECH OF COMPLETE DOMINATION OVER THE WORLD.

I, the Lord God, ALMIGHTY, [NAME], DO HERBY PROCLAIM, THAT ALL ENTERTAINMENT PUBLICATIONS, PRODUCTS, SUMMER CONCERT TOURS, EVENTS AND AWARD SHOWS, BY GODDESSES OR ANY MALE ARTIST(S), TELEVISION PROGRAMS (EXCEPT NEWS), CABLE AND SATELLITE STATIONS (EXCEPT NEWS CHANNELS), MANUFACTURERS OF ENTERTAINMENT PRODUCTS, RETAIL SELLERS OF ENTERTAINMENT PRODUCTS. . .. . .ALL SHUT DOWN, IMMEDIATELY, IN ALL COUNTRIES, ON ALL PLANETS. RADIO STATIONS ARE ABLE TO HAVE A DJ SHOW STILL, BUT THAT DJ SHOW IS NOW CREATED WITHOUT AN ENTERTAINMENT “PRODUCT”- STYLE SHOW, FROM A “TALENT” (DJ) (SUCH AS STEVE DAHL, OR A HOWARD STERN, “CHOSEN” CHARACTER), AND ALSO, ABLE TO PLAY OLDER MUSIC THAT IS ALLOWED BY GOD.

ITUNES AND ALL OTHER WEBSITES THAT OFFER “ENTERTAINMENT PRODUCTS,” WILL DISABLE THEIR WEBSITES. AMAZON.COM AND OTHER WEBSITES WILL STILL OFFER PRODUCTS TO PURCHASE OTHER THAN CD’S AND MOVIES.

YOU MAY WATCH AND LISTEN TO PRE-BOUGHT ITEMS THAT ARE ALLOWED BY ME, IN YOUR THOUGHT PROCESSES OF “QUESTION TO ONES SELF/ACTION IN DAILY LIFE WITH BODY.”

PROFESSIONAL SPORTS WILL CONTINUE.

VIDEO RENTAL OUTLETS WILL CONTINUE, BUT WITH A LIMITED SELECTION AVAILABLE.

ALL INTERNET WEBSITES THAT FEATURE PERFORMANCES OF ANY ENTERTAINMENT FIGURE ARE NOW DELETING THOSE PERFORMANCES, FROM THE SERVERS. YOU MAY KEEP IN YOUR COMPUTERS/DEVICES THESE PERFORMANCE FILES, FOR NOW, BUT YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO WATCH THEM.

ALL OF BROADWAY AND ALL STAGE PERFORMANCES IN EVERY TOWN OR CITY ARE NOW CLOSED DOWN, AND TICKETS ARE BEING REFUNDED BY MY “INFINITY MONEY.”

I WILL COVER ALL MONETARY LOSSES THAT HAVE INCURRED, BY MY COMMANDS, INCLUDING DAMAGES FROM LOSS OF EMPLOYMENT.

BECAUSE OF THE SLANDER THAT IS ON MY WEBSITE AND THE FACT THAT I AM LEGALLY MARRIED TO NICOLE KIDMAN, KIRSTEN DUNST AND THE REST, IT IS BY LAW, THAT THEY MUST ADDRESS THESE FACTS THAT EXIST AND ARE NOT GOING AWAY. BY LAW, THEY ARE REQUIRED TO CONTACT [NAME] IMMEDIATELY OR BE PENALIZED BY THE LAWSUITS THAT HAVE REACHED THEM. I WILL PAY, THROUGH THEM, WITH MY INFINITY MONEY, MYSELF, UNTIL THEY GET TO ME. THEY WILL NOT BE ARRESTED AT ALL FOR NOT CONTACTING ME, THEY ARE, SIMPLY SUED BY ME, FOR DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER OF MAKING ME LOOK TO THE MEDIA AS IMPOTENT, BY NOT OBEYING MY COMMAND TO SEE ME, WHICH SUFFERS MY IMAGE. ALSO, I AM SUING MY WIVES, FOR BREECH OF MARRIAGE CONTRACT, FOR THEY HAVE NOT CHOSEN TO HONER THE MARRIAGE OF COMMON LAW, AS OF LAST WEEK, BY THE 16TH OF MAY, 2011.

I LOVE THEM DEARLY, AND THEY HAVE BEEN PROTECTED FROM THE BRANDMEIER EFFECTS, IN A WAY, FOR THE HORRIBLE CHOICE BY BRANDMEIER IN 2007, CREATED A “MANIPULATIVE” “VERSION,” OF EACH GODDESS, AND OTHER “GOOD ONES,” TO BE RUN AND MOVED AT WILL, BY JONATHON BRANDMEIER, WITH THE TRUE, “GODLIKE” VERSIONS, BEING UNTOUCHED BY HIM.

I will be glorified/moved from my apartment in Hollywood by my wives, the fbi, or My White House Staff, very, very soon.

BELOW IS THE LIST OF GODDESSES THAT I HAVE LISTED BEFORE, THAT ARE OF THE COMMAND THAT THEIR CAREERS BE ENDED. ADDED TO THAT LIST ARE, AVRIL LAVIGNE AND MARTHA STEWART.

BELOW THAT IS THE LIST AND PROCLAMATION OF THE “DAMNED.”

Thank you,
The Lord God, ALMIGHTY, [NAME]

I, GOD, [NAME], DO HEREBY CALL THE ENDING OF ALL THE GODDESSES CAREERS, ON ALL PLANETS, AS OF SATURDAY, MAY 14TH, 2011. I COMMAND THAT ALL HUMANS SHUNT ALL CONCERTS, MOVIES AND PROJECTS, THAT FEATURE THESE LIARS TO [NAME]. GO IMMEDIATELY TO OBTAIN REFUNDS TO ALL CONCERT TOURS, AND EVENTS. I HEREBY CANCEL ALL MOVIE DEALS, MODELING JOBS, CONCERT TOURS, TV PERFORMANCE SHOWS AND CD/MUSIC PROJECTS OF THE PRESENT AND FUTURE OF THESE LYING ACTRESS AND PERFORMING ARTISTS AND MODELS, NICOLE KIDMAN, MEGAN FOX, KIRSTEN DUNST, JENNIFER ANISTON, ANGELINA JOLIE, CAMERON DIAZ, RACHEL MCADAMS, SCARLETT JOHANSSON, NATALIE PORTMAN, MERYL STREEP, AMANDA SEYFRIED, ALEXIS BLEDEL, ELIZABETH HURLEY, HILARY SWANK, JENNIFER LOPEZ, BEYONCE KNOWLES, SARAH BRIGHTMAN, LADY GAGA, AMY ADAMS, MARY TYLER MOORE, SHIRLEY MACLAINE, PATRICIA RUTLEDGE, EMMA THOMPSON, UMA THURMAN, ELLEN PAGE, FAITH HILL, KATY PERRY, RESSE WHITHERSPOON, GWYNETH PALTROW, DAKOTA FANNING, SHERYL CROW, SANDRA BULLOCK, KRISTEN STEWART, SIGOURNEY WEAVER, JESSICA LOVE-HEWITT, BROOKE SHIELDS, TAYLOR SWIFT, CANDICE SWANEPOEL, LYNDSAY LOHAN, JESSICA SIMPSON, PARIS HILTON, CINDY CRAWFORD, CHARLIZE THERONE, HEATHER GRAHAM, BRITNEY SPEARS, BARBARA STREISAND, CHER, LIZA MINNELLI, CHRISTINA AGUILERA, HELEN NUNT, MARISA TOMEI, MARY KATE OLSEN, ASHLEY OLSEN, DREW BARRYMOORE, RIHANNA, KESHA, KEIRA KNIGHTLEY, CATE BLANCHETT, KATE BECKINSALE, KATE HUDSON, ANNE HATHAWAY, BELLA THORNE, MILEY CYRUS, SELENA GOMEZ AND OTHERS. !!!!!!!DO NOT REWARD THESE CUNTS WHO LIE TO ME AND CREATE FAKE REALITIES OF THEIR LIVES, EVERYDAY TO SEE HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM, TO GET ME TO FUCK THEIR BODIES THROUGH THIS CONNECTION. I WILL, THROUGH THE “INFINITY” MONEY WILL PAY ALL DAMAGES AND REFUNDS TO THE PROPER “OBJECTS.” ALL GODDESSES AND MOVIE STAR MEN (CRUISE, PITT AND URBAN, PLUS OTHERS, ARE DONE AS WELL) ARE COMMANDED TO SPEAK TO CNN AND ALL MEDIA OUTLETS AND PUBLICATIONS, ABOUT ALL LIES THAT THEY ORCHESTRATED THAT WERE SPOKEN TO GOD, THROUGH HIS HEAD, FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS, AND HAVE IT SHOWN TO THE EARTH AND THE UNIVERSE, AND ALL CONFESSIONS THAT ARE RELEASED TO THE MEDIA, MUST BE PUBLISHED ON THE INTERNET AND ALL OTHER COMMON SOURCES TO BE VIEWED BY GOD, [NAME], AND FINALLY OF COURSE, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, BY COMMAND, THEY ARE TO COME TO GOD, [NAME], FOR AN INDEPTH CONFESSION, IN PERSON.

For Conspiracy to “kill” [name], social security number (xxx-xxx-xxxx) when awakened to the fact that [name], was more “special” in a spiritual, creational way, I call on the fbi to arrest these following people and to arrest more, that are on a list that I am giving them through my/our thought connection: William Hurt, Nicholas Cage, Alec Baldwin, Leonardo DiCaprio, John Travolta, Sean Penn, Eminem, Jerry Lewis, Michael Nesmith, Jonathon Brandmeier, Jimmy Swaggart, Steve McQueen. For the many attempts on my life: guiding others to press, and or actually, themselves, pressing on my heart and skull (inner brain material) and for orchestrating the statements to my brain (conscious) about “hiring hitmen” to kill me over the past two months, these men and “listed women” (who are on the list and “marked” for the moons of damnation, from their “genetic” make up that consisted of an innate desire to immediately kill God, to have God not exist, upon observing, again that [name] was more special than a human being) will be executed by electric chair as soon as possible by the fbi, who has all of the evidence that I sent at the beginning of April, 2011.

NO HOLLYWOOD SIGN, AND THEN IT REAPPEARS!!

HERE IS A MIRACLE FROM JUNE 5TH, 2011. I HAVE ENDED ALL OF THE CAREERS IN THE ENTERTAINMENT WORLD, AND THE EVIL GODDESSES AND “E” WROTE THE SLANDER THROUGH ME, IN A WAY, THIS YEAR, TO RUIN THEIR OWN CAREERS, AND HOLLYWOOD IS DEAD AND DAMNED TO HELL (as well as a version of all intelligence in the universe) ON THE MOONS OF DAMNATION, WITH THE MR. PENIS SCENARIO OF SHARING TORTURE FOR EVERY NEGATIVE THOUGHT TOWARDS ME FROM 2007. SO, I TOOK AWAY THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN AND ON THE NIGHT OF JUNE 5TH, 2011, I WALKED DOWN TO GELSON’S MARKET, AND SAW THAT THE SIGN WAS NOT THERE, BY MY COMMAND THE PREVIOUS DAY. THIS SHOWED MYSELF THAT THERE WAS NO SIGN ON THE HILL, AS A REPRESENTATIONAL FACT OF WHAT I HAVE COMMANDED THESE PAST WEEKS. THE SIGN, ON A NORMAL NIGHT IN THE PAST WOULD BE LIT UP AND SHOWING THE WORD “HOLLYWOOD,” ON THE HILL TO THE UPPER LEFT, IN THE DISTANCE, DOWN THE STREET.

Below, on the top left, is a photo taken on June 5th, 2011 in the evening……..all of the other photos were taken on June 5th, 7th and 8th, 2011.

Download and zoom in on the Hollywood hill where the sign should be in the left photo, and notice, when you zoom in on the photo on the right, that you can see the sign existing to the right of the triangle style, christmas tree, on the hill, above the lower tree line.

Click below to visit my website to see all of the pictures I have taken from the day of June the 5th, 2011

CLICK BELOW TO VIEW KEY POSTINGS FROM THE INTERNET THAT WERE ON CRAIGSLIST, LOS ANGELES, GENERAL, COMMUNITY AND CRAIGSLIST, WASHINGTON D.C., GENERAL COMMUNITY IN THE YEAR 2011:

THE BELOW POSTINGS FROM THE INTERNET FEATURED HOW RIDICULOUSLY LONG, THIS HEINOUS STORY OF “SLANDER” AND COMPLETE PROOF THAT [NAME] WAS/IS THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE, HAS GONE, WITHOUT ANYONE EMBRACING ME AS GOD, WHICH PROVES THE “EVIL FORCE” (WHICH WERE REAL PEOPLE (CHOOSING TO BE EVIL AND WANT TO KILL [NAME]) AND SENT TO THE MOONS OF DAMNATION IN THE SPRING OF 2011, AND NOW ARE THE ECHO ENERGY PEOPLE THAT STILL IGNORE THE FACT THAT I AM GOD, TODAY) WERE IGNORING THAT I GOD, CREATED THE SUN AND RAINBOWS AND THAT IS A HUGE DEAL! THIS “SHUNT” WILL END NOW!:

LINKS TO KEY CRAIGSLIST POSTINGS THAT ARE FEATURED ON MY WEBSITE:

[link deleted] (DISPLAYS KEY CRAIGSLIST DOCUMENTS SUCH AS, “[NAME] GOD SAYS IT’S ALL JONATHON BRANDMEIER’S FAULT”)

[link deleted] (DISPLAYS KEY CRAISLIST DOCUMENTS THAT CARRY “HIGH SLANDER” SUCH AS, “Nicole Kidman and Kirsten Dunst are going to hell, says God”)

—–DISTANT PAST CRAIGSLIST POSTINGS——–

[NAME]/GOD’S NIGHT
[link deleted]

[NAME]/GOD DROPS ALL CHARGES
[link deleted]

[NAME] GOD SHUNTS KIRSTEN DUNST
[link deleted]

——-LATEST CRAIGSLISTINGS——-

HOLLYWOOD & WORLD HAS EMBRACED [NAME] AS GOD ALMIGHTY
[link deleted]

the Lord God, [NAME] AUDIO BOOKS UPDATING JUDGMENT DAY
[link deleted]

HOLLYWOOD IS IN RUIN BECAUSE OF the Lord God, [NAME]
[link deleted]

the Lord God, [NAME] PROCLAIMS JUDGEMENT DAY 6/22/11
[link deleted]

Evil Versions of my Goddesses “are going to Hell, says God”
[link deleted]

the Lord God ALMIGHTY, [NAME] MESSAGE FOR 06/23/11
[link deleted]

the Lord God, ALMIGHTY [NAME] LIVES IN TWO REALITIES
[link deleted]

GOD, [NAME] HAS BEEN ALLOWED TO LIVE FREE FOREVER
[link deleted]

GOD, COMMANDS ALL MOVIE PROJECTS TO END
[link deleted]

REAL PEOPLE ARE GOING TO HELL, DECLARES GOD
[link deleted]

the Lord God, [NAME] DECLARES, “BE GOOD, OR GO TO HELL”
[link deleted]

Real Humans are trying to Kill [NAME], God
[link deleted]

BY LAW, YOU WILL OBEY the Lord God, ALMIGHTY, [NAME]
[link deleted]

the Lord God, [NAME] MAKES HOLLYWOOD SIGN DISAPPEAR
[link deleted]

the Lord God, ALMIGHTY [NAME] EXPLAINS FINAL REALITY
[link deleted]

GOD PROCLAIMS THAT BARACK OBAMA IS NO LONGER PRESIDENT
[link deleted]

GOD, [NAME] TELLS SECRETS OF TOM CRUISE AND NICOLE KIDMAN
[link deleted]

the Lord God, [NAME] COMMANDS THE EVIL VERSIONS TO GO
[link deleted]

the Lord God, [NAME] MESSAGE FOR MAY 30TH, 2011
[link deleted]

the Lord God, [NAME] PART TWO OF MESSAGE FOR 5/30/11
[link deleted]

God, [NAME] TALKS AT THE SAME TIME WITH LIVE RADIO
[link deleted]

GOD REVEALS BUSH AND HUSSEIN LIED IN FAKE WAR
[link deleted]

the Lord God, [NAME] AUDIO MESSAGE 9/11 WAS A HOAX
[link deleted]

—-ESSENTIAL POSTINGS AND LINKS FROM THE NEAR PAST——–

the Lord God, ALMIGHTY, [NAME] MESSAGE FOR 5/18/11
[link deleted]

the Lord God, [NAME] MESSAGE FOR FRIDAY, MAY 20TH, 2011
[link deleted]

GOD SPEAKS OF THE END OF THE INNER REALM 5/15/11
[link deleted]

GOD, [NAME] MESSAGE FOR MAY 7TH, 2011
[link deleted]

GOD, [NAME] WILL KILL BILLY MITCHELL
[link deleted]

GOD, [NAME] WILL CREATE UTOPIA
[link deleted]

COMPLETE PROOF THAT NICOLE KIDMAN WAS AND IS CONNECTED TO THE BRAIN OF [NAME]
[link deleted]

[NAME]/God creates peace in the inner realm and Steve McQueen’s end!
[link deleted]

Proof That Taylor Swift Loves [NAME]/God
[link deleted]

GOD, [NAME] EXPLAINS “THE NULL”
[link deleted]



Well, that’s it for this year. If you’ve enjoyed these, please come back for more every weekday, feel free to comment, and recommend the site to your friends. You could also check out the 8 Suckiest Craigslist Ads of All Time. And if you’ve REALLY enjoyed them, buy a T-shirt.

16 Responses leave one →
  1. 2012 December 29

    Misty not. a. lion. colored memories… of the way we were…

    Adores: 11
  2. 2012 December 29

    We’re making a list.
    We’re checking it well.
    We’re gonna see who
    Sucks worst at C.L.
    YSaC is coming to town.

    Adores: 12
  3. 2012 December 29
    Tankerbell permalink

    *sniff, sniff* Oh, those glorious days of olde. I had almost forgotten the human kopi luwak* and now, here it is, to ruin my appetite and torture my dreams once again.

    O Llamanun and Ostrimu, bees be upon you both, thank you for the memories. And especially the laughs. Maybe not for the carbonated beverages ejected forcefully through my nostrils, but that was kinda my fault. I know better.

    *this may have required a team of psychiatrists and a few months in a corner with a blankie

    Adores: 8
    • 2012 December 30
      SilvaNoir permalink

      I honestly had to throw out* all the granola bars in my house after seeing that post.

      *and by throw out I mean I literally threw them outside unwrapped for the squirrels so it wasn’t a total waste of food

      Adores: 3
  4. 2012 December 29
    Karmyn permalink

    I remember the underwear model guy.
    Oh what a year for lulz. But how did I miss the guy hitting on the girl in the hospital one? Must check in more often.
    Tits aside. (how long are we milking that one? Oh hello corner.)

    Adores: 6
    • 2012 December 30

      Until it runs dry, Karmyn. Or maybe slightly longer.

      Adores: 4
    • 2012 December 30
      SilvaNoir permalink

      I missed the blue cow skull which I sadly admit that I’d like if only it didn’t have the winged heart on it.

      Adores: 0
  5. 2012 December 30
    tigprincess permalink

    Awesome, just awesome.
    I think I’ll have to have a quiet lie-down in a darkened room now … nothing to do with these wonderful YSaCs but to do with over-indulgence* with alcohol last night…make it year.
    *this may or may not be true*

    Adores: 2
  6. 2012 December 30

    I’m dizzy, but in a good way.

    Adores: 0
  7. 2012 December 30

    Well, Taco, you can go your way now, but remember, there’s no place like YSaC, there’s no place like YSaC, there’s no place like Punchity Punch Punch!

    Good Morning, Worst of the Worst of the Worst!

    Adores: 0
  8. 2012 December 30
    Irregular Fractal permalink

    I am suddenly quite disappointed that I spent my Christmas Eve with family rather than snarking about coffee-poop.
    On another note, I’m also quite proud that we managed to overlap a couple of our ads with this worst-of list, although I’m quite disappointed that the Morrissey shrine somehow slipped through our collective fingers.
    http://arstechnica.com/business/2012/12/the-craziest-craigslist-posts-of-2012-now-with-more-dragon/

    Adores: 0
  9. 2012 December 30

    Hey, glad this post is finally up! Was going to comment earlier, but I can’t type very well while covered in butter. Great year, everybody!

    Adores: 1
  10. 2012 December 31
    DigitalAxis permalink

    So many memories… so many terrible, terrible memories.

    I think my favorite is still #15. I am aghast at his grasp of reality. Although, awful websites (#3) and Cans (#9) were pretty out there, too.

    Adores: 0
  11. 2013 January 2

    Gaaaaah. I’d forgotten about the intergalactic scale of insanity in #15. We really do need better treatments for mental illness.

    Adores: 0
  12. 2013 July 5

    Oh my god, I just happened upon your site and I have never laughed so hard in my life! Especially #1, #6, #8. Too funny. I am totally going to put this on my blog roll.

    Adores: 0
  13. 2013 July 24

    met puasa..yuk sedekah.. . let’s let go to schol school…. Mari sekolah ayo kuliah. thank you very much …keep up. Smangat selalu.. brgds, by kopiobatkuat.com

    Adores: 0

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